Ben Roethlisberger: LIFE IS LIKE A HURRICANE, HERE… IN… BIG BEN! RACECARS, LASERS, AEROPLANES, IT’S… A… BIG BEN! MIGHT SOLVE A MYSTERY. OR REWRITE HISTORY… BIG BEN! WOO-OOOOO! EVERY DAY THEY’RE OUT THERE MAKING BIG BEN! WOO-OOOOO!

Mike Tomlin: Ben! Ben! Goddammit, Ben! Pay attention!

Roethlisberger: HOH?

Tomlin: Some of us are trying to gameplan for the Texans game. This ain’t the motherfucking preseason no more, shitferbrains.

Roethlisberger: BUT I’M PLAYING CALL OF DUTY 4 IN MY HEAD.

Roethlisberger: PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW

TAKE THAT, TURRURIST!

Tomlin: C’mon man, that’s enough already. Bruce Arians wants to go over QB keepers on 3rd and too many yards!

Ben!

Roethlisberger: PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW

Tomlin: Someone take those damn guns away from him!

Limas Sweed: [Said while dropping pass] But he doesn’t have any!

Rashard Mendenhall: [Said while fumbling ball] Yeah, he’s using gunfingaz!

Santonio Holmes: [Admires own penis]

Tomlin: How’m I supposed to get him under control, then?

[Ornate oriental curtain flies open]

Hines Ward: Me think me know how hander Rongrastname!

Roethlisberger: PEW PEW — OH HI HINES!

Ward: Herrrrrro Rongrastname. You and me, ferrow team captain! Leemembel what I say about you risten to coach Tomrin?

Roethlisberger: THAT I SHOULD DO IT?

Ward: And if you do…?

Roethlisberger: BEN GET CHOCO TACO!

Ward: That velee good Rongrastname. Go now, lun arong, go plactice!

[Ben skips off]

Tomlin: So that’s all I gotta do? Promise mental midget a choco taco?

Wald: You is stirr inexpelienced, coach Tomrin. Much to realn about qualtelback. One day, I show foll you. Untir then, KEEP YOUL BRACK HANDS OFF HINES WALD MELCHANDISE!

Tomlin: What merchandise?

Wald: Hey! Hey! I don’t want want no tlouber! I don’t want no tlouber!

[Backs away slowly]