Ben Roethlisberger: LIFE IS LIKE A HURRICANE, HERE… IN… BIG BEN! RACECARS, LASERS, AEROPLANES, IT’S… A… BIG BEN! MIGHT SOLVE A MYSTERY. OR REWRITE HISTORY… BIG BEN! WOO-OOOOO! EVERY DAY THEY’RE OUT THERE MAKING BIG BEN! WOO-OOOOO!
Mike Tomlin: Ben! Ben! Goddammit, Ben! Pay attention!
Roethlisberger: HOH?
Tomlin: Some of us are trying to gameplan for the Texans game. This ain’t the motherfucking preseason no more, shitferbrains.
Roethlisberger: BUT I’M PLAYING CALL OF DUTY 4 IN MY HEAD.
Roethlisberger: PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW
TAKE THAT, TURRURIST!
Tomlin: C’mon man, that’s enough already. Bruce Arians wants to go over QB keepers on 3rd and too many yards!
Ben!
Roethlisberger: PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW
Tomlin: Someone take those damn guns away from him!
Limas Sweed: [Said while dropping pass] But he doesn’t have any!
Rashard Mendenhall: [Said while fumbling ball] Yeah, he’s using gunfingaz!
Santonio Holmes: [Admires own penis] …
Tomlin: How’m I supposed to get him under control, then?
[Ornate oriental curtain flies open]
Hines Ward: Me think me know how hander Rongrastname!
Roethlisberger: PEW PEW — OH HI HINES!
Ward: Herrrrrro Rongrastname. You and me, ferrow team captain! Leemembel what I say about you risten to coach Tomrin?
Roethlisberger: THAT I SHOULD DO IT?
Ward: And if you do…?
Roethlisberger: BEN GET CHOCO TACO!
Ward: That velee good Rongrastname. Go now, lun arong, go plactice!
[Ben skips off]
Tomlin: So that’s all I gotta do? Promise mental midget a choco taco?
Wald: You is stirr inexpelienced, coach Tomrin. Much to realn about qualtelback. One day, I show foll you. Untir then, KEEP YOUL BRACK HANDS OFF HINES WALD MELCHANDISE!
Tomlin: What merchandise?
Wald: Hey! Hey! I don’t want want no tlouber! I don’t want no tlouber!
[Backs away slowly]
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STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELERS SUCK A FAT DICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111ARFADFAWQF;LKADJFLKJJAS;LKJFAS
I missed it the first time I read it but the “Bruce Arians wants to go over QB keepers on 3rd and too many yards!” line was a hidden gem. Excellent in every way.
Damn near chocked giggling like a hyena.
All I want is some Coach Coughlin screaming for the opener and this season is officially Gay Mafia for the Tommy Guy
/crying laughing
Are you fucking kidding me Tunison? Is this Roethlisberger character going to be recurring? Not only does no one give a shit about the Steelers, but the fucking character doesn’t make any sense.
Choco-Tacos rock my face off!!
/looks around, slightly ashamed for using the phrase “rock my face off”
/now understands how my grandmother felt after using the phrase “bling-bling”
/blushes, then goes to the corner and cries
[Ornate oriental curtain flies open]
Horee Cleist! Teels sklirt out my fucking eyes. What a way to ling in the leal NFeR season.
@The Gooch: You’re thinking of “Homer Simpson: Portrait of an Ass-Grabber.”
Thank you. This will keep me going for a month or so.
You are a whirlwind of suck.
Gunfingaz > Sticky Fingaz
pew! pew! pew! pew pew pew! *blows on smoking gunfingaz!*
I’ve got that fucking DuckTales theme song stuck in my head now. And I love it.
Any chance we might see a future episode where Hines takes Rongrastname to a karaoke bar? Their version of “Ebony and Ivolee” could be one for the ages.
I can’t wait for Nov. 16, Hines Wald meets Malmarald.
How the fuck do you even say “realn”?
gunfingaz!
EVERY DAY HE’S OUT THERE MAKING BIG BEN
WOO-OO
When is Hines going to dispense some of that Zen-like wisdom to Mendenhall and Sweed?
Out-fucking-standing
HEERRRRRROOO RA-RA!
Hines’ favorite Dellek and the Dominoes song? Bare Bottom Bruise
hines wald have frunny joke to ter to you.
you hear bout chinese couple who hald letarded rittle baby?
they call him sum ping wong.
har har, hines wald be ron frunny stal leceivel
@Mo Charlo: I’d like to imagine Limas spends his whole life in a constant state of dropping a pass.
A thing of beauty. If srightry lacist Hines Wald posts are wrong, I don’t wanna be right.
Herrrrrro Rongrastname > Hellllllo Nurse
I thought the funniest part was the brief cameos of Limas, Rashard and Santonio.
/just realized it was September 3rd.
Post of the month.
Hines Wald doesn’t cale about brack people
Hines Wold Say:
Young woman who sit on Judge’s lap get Honorable Discharge
Yea, I’m nearly positive that I’m going to call Pittsburgh “Duckburgh” for atleast the next 70 years
Between this and the Chad/Marvin, the AFC North is easily the most entertaining division in football.
If only we could get that welkaaaaaahhhhh pats fan guy into the division…
Also the shield was awesome last night.
fuck. yes. looks to be a great season the max payne trailer at the end was pretty cool too.
the brack hands twist was hilarious. thanks for posting this.
“You is stirr inexpelienced, coach Tomrin. Much to realn about qualtelback. One day, I show foll you.”
But muss glasp pebble from han befoll I show. Too muss nowredge too earry, bad ting. Make you wan run bawl awl time. No Hines smirre.
Ah, thanks for the clarification Stig. Now for my next question: that show’s actually good? I feel like I could never watch a drama outside of HBO, the lone exception being Lost, but if you racist assholes enjoy the Shield, maybe I’ll give it a go. I don’t know though, no cursing in a cop show? How can that be good/realistic?
I’m vely skeptiker.
Watching the Kung-Fu Network in HD the night before these posts really helped me tlansrate Hines Wald speak.
/Dragon-Fist!!! HA!!!
Great one. I always read Wald with the internal Shitty Wok guy voice. Works wonders. And for some reason, I heard a loud gong sound in my head as the curtain flew open.
Wrong fat dude, Gooch……..this one used to be “The Commish” on ABC.
Is that the show with the fat dude who used to show his ass on NYPD Blue all the time?
Also the shield was awesome last night.
TiVo’d. Can’t wait.
Agreed this was a great way to start the morning. Looking forward to more Ornate Oriental Curtains flying open around here.
/hully up and buy
//I feer solly fol youl mothel
fanfuckingtastic.
what, no HARF’s??
Wow. Very strong opener for today. I concur with all the “ornate oriental curtain flies open” comments. Of all things for Roethlisberger to crave – Choco Taco. Excellent.
For what it’s worth I play call of duty in my head all day at work as well.
Also the shield was awesome last night.
Poor Mike Tomlin will never realn
Duck Tales, Rongrastname, and Hines Wald, and the flying open of an ornate oriental curtain – Classic
I haven’t sung this song in over ten years. I feel gay like a little girl.
“Much to realn.” Classic.
I had to bite down on my gunfinger to keep from laughing too loud in the office.
Ah, you so lacist!
/ been waiting all offseason for the return of Hine Wald posts
Confucious say “Cooldinatol who not thlow fol stickS on thild and rong, soon find new wolk……IN BED”.
I’ll second the Ornate Oriental Curtain…….fuckin’ brilliant, Ape.
Big Ben only pawn in game of life.
Out-fucking-standing Ape. As a fellow Steeler fan I always enjoy post involving Hines and Ben. I’m sitting at my desk reading this (in Jackie Chan’s voice for some reason) and literally laughing out loud. “Ornate Oriental Curtain flies open”- nice touch.
I wish I had sound at work so I could get on key for the theme song.