A Bleak Glimpse of Things to Come
[Detroit, modern day the future!]
A horrid hellscape where traces of life are rarely apparent beyond the odd skittering insect. The air is choked by fluttering debris and the smell of offal. A solitary figure, faintly visible in the distance, hove into view.
Matt Millen: Maaaaaatttttttt-E
[A lone plant begins to peak out of the barren soil]
Matt*E: WHOA!
[Millen runs over it with his treads]
Matt*E: Whew!
[He scoops up a bunch of trash into his torso and spits out another highly touted rookie bust before scurrying along]
![[badge]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/themes/default/images/100121_FOXmsnBadge_200x50.gif)
September 23rd, 2008 at 1:33 pm
I’ll bet that weed runs a slant as well as Charles Rodgers.
September 23rd, 2008 at 1:35 pm
The weed outperformed Millen on the Wonderlic.
September 23rd, 2008 at 1:35 pm
I was hoping to see TJ Houshmanzedah come in and demand a drink out of Matt-E.
September 23rd, 2008 at 1:37 pm
You know, I’ve heard Jerome Bettis is from Detroit.
September 23rd, 2008 at 1:38 pm
That was a hell of a lot more entertaining than Wall-E
September 23rd, 2008 at 1:50 pm
I guess I got my post-Apocalyptic scenarios mixed up: I thought Detroit would rename themselves Bartertown and Matt Millen would be the retarded boy-giant half of Master Blaster (with Bill Ford being the midget). And where’s Tina Turner?
September 23rd, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Tina Turner represents the Detroit Lions fans…wrapping themselves up in the arms of this Ike Turner like franchise.
September 23rd, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Cool. I’ll meet you over at the ancient, rusting statue of Kwame Kilpatrick.
September 23rd, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Matt-e wouldnt surive without the love of the Ford family on his own. Not like that stud muffin Walle
September 23rd, 2008 at 2:01 pm
What? No overturned flaming cop car?
September 23rd, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Millen has the magical ability to appear unqualified for everything related to football and/or operating of said football beyond the yard lines…but yet that stache has the adverse ability to make any person’s underwear to disappear and engorge the genitals to orgasmic levels.
How this applies to apocalypse of the Iraq of the Midwest? Millen’s stache has nuclear capabilities.
September 23rd, 2008 at 2:12 pm
“RoboCop” was set in Detroit. They made that flick in ‘87 and they weren’t too far off.
September 23rd, 2008 at 2:13 pm
No Sarah Palin as Eve?
September 23rd, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Being from the area, I take offense to your negative remarks about Detroit.
/adjusts strap on kevlar vest
September 23rd, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Somebody somewhere needs to create a blog called ‘Matt Millen’s Resume.’
September 23rd, 2008 at 2:34 pm
@Gino Tourettsa
/just did some nuke
September 23rd, 2008 at 2:44 pm
Matt-E called ED-209 a faggot
September 23rd, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Matt Millen’s Resume:
Former LBer with 49ers
Mustache Lover
Chubby Chaser
Detroit Lions Destroyer
September 23rd, 2008 at 2:58 pm
There really should be a burning couch if it’s going to be Detroit.
September 23rd, 2008 at 3:06 pm
Kinetic strikes are overrated apparently.
September 23rd, 2008 at 3:47 pm
So Matt*E scorched the sky and created the Matrix? Next thing you’ll tell me is his living off of the liquified remains of former Lions fans…
Wait…what?
September 23rd, 2008 at 4:54 pm
Soylent Green is made from Matt*E’s wasted draft picks.
September 23rd, 2008 at 5:59 pm
But Mattizzle Millizzle saved the Lions! Before he was traded, Shaun Rogers tried to eat the team.
The power of the ’stache cannot be underestimated.
September 23rd, 2008 at 6:06 pm
What do you mean future? That picture was taken yesterday.
September 23rd, 2008 at 9:46 pm
I was watchin the 1995 NFC Championship with Matt Millen as sideline reporter. Just think, in a few years SUZY could be running the Lions!
September 24th, 2008 at 12:25 am
Add to Millen’s List Of Accomplishments:
Champion Eater of Golic Bread