People seem to think I have some kind of personal vendetta against Vince Young. Some might even say I have a bizarre obsession with making sure he fails as both a player and as a human being. But that’s not true. I’m an analyst. I’m paid to be critical. If that leaves me open to second-guessing, so be it. I can’t worry about that. All I can tell you is that, in my objective analysis, Vince Young is a closeted gay coward who still sucks on his mother’s floppy old titties for nourishment.

Again, I have nothing personal against Vince Young. I’m sure he’s a perfectly nice fellow. I’m also quite sure that, anytime something doesn’t go his way, he runs home to his mother, straps on a custom size 10 Huggies Overnight, drops a watery stool in his pants, and then nestles in his mother’s ample bosom like the little fucking bitch he is.

I also heard he’s a bedwetter. I spoke with Jeff Fisher before Young was drafted and he was adamant that the team NOT draft Young, because they learned in interviews that Young not only pissed his bed, but that he would pee in his bed even BEFORE he went to sleep, because it helped “protect him from all the ghosts”. That’s why he has that rubber fitted sheet clause in his contract. It’s also why no Titans want to room with him on the road. I heard his teammates hate him. I heard they wanted to gang rape him in training camp to “put him in his place.”

You know what else Vince Young did once? He beat a kid to death with a rock. No joke. The kid made fun of the way Vince threw the ball, so Vince went and grabbed this rock that was lying around. Then he just bashed the kid’s head in with it, until pieces of his brain were falling out and stuff, and then he left him in a ditch. I said this when he was drafted. I knew it. Why didn’t anyone else heed my warnings? That I don’t know. Again, I have no problem with Vince Young. Except that he fucks dogs.

Did I mention he’s a terrorist? Well, he is. I don’t think he’s happy just to destroy the Titans organization. No, I think he wants to wreak havoc on a global scale. Think about it. Infantile mind. Coddled by his nutjob of a mommy. Blames others for his shortcomings. Tall. Who does that remind you of?

Fucking Osama bin Laden. This kid is not ready to play in the National Football League, but I do believe he is ready to plot with several other terrorist masterminds to bring down planes or release biological weapons into a mall and/or subway tunnel. Don’t think he isn’t capable of it. Like I said, I mean no harm. I just think he’s a cock-guzzling momma’s boy who murders children and wants to end the world as we know it. NO ONE KNOWS HOW VINCE YOUNG’S MIND WORKS EXCEPT FOR ME! I KNOW WHAT HE’S CAPABLE OF! I’VE BEEN WATCHING HIM FROM OUTSIDE HIS HOUSE EVERY DAY FOR OVER FIVE YEARS! I’VE ROOTED THROUGH HIS TRASH! I’VE MASTURBATED TO HIM WHILE IN THE STUDIO! I’VE CUT THE BRAKES ON HIS CAR A FEW TIMES!

YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO ME! I TOLD YOU HIS FOOTWORK WAS SLOPPY! NOW I’M TELLING YOU HE WANTS TO BURN OUR OIL FIELDS AND SELL US TO CHINA! DON’T THINK VINCE YOUNG CAN’T DO IT! SPEAKING OBJECTIVELY, VINCE YOUNG IS A HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING AND A POX ON OUR ENTIRE SPECIES! IT WOULD BE BETTER IF WE KILLED HIM NOW TO PREVENT ANY FURTHER HARM! YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME!

NO! NOT THE PADDY WAGON AGAIN! MY MIND IS JUST FINE! IT’S VINCE YOUNG THAT’S SICK IN THE FUCKING HEAD, I TELL YOU!

[TEAM MEETING: 49ers practice facilitiy, Santa Clara, California] 

HEAD COACH MIKE NOLAN: Alright men, I know we normally take Tuesday off, but we really need this win coming up this week. We’re 2-2, and I really believe we can win this weekend and set up a run for the rest of the season. 

J.T. O’SULLIVAN: Coach, I think this team is poised to make a run. The loss last week has helped us realize that. 

FRANK GORE: [Holds up playbook] This is the first time I’ve ever felt like I’ve understood the offense! [Drops playbook]

JUSTIN SMITH: I think we can do it, Coach. [sips coffee] We’re really starting to come together as a team. I think everyone here has the right attitude. I think it’s time to kick some ass in the league!

[rest of the team cheers in approval]

COACH: That’s just the attitude I was looking for, men. This is gonna be a great week, I can feel it! Now, as we watch this film, on our opponent, keep in mind that–

[Coach hears knocking on door]

COACH: Hmm, don’t know who that could be. Now, men. These guys have lost some personnel on defense due to inj–

[Louder knocking on door this time]

COACH: Hey, whoever that is, we’re in a meeting! Fuck off!

[Knocking on turns into pounding, muffled screaming outside]

COACH: Boy, I’m gonna kick the shit out of whoever this is… [opens door]

(more…)

Lane Kiffin: What’s the big idea? Who crossed out my name on the door and wrote Lame Duckin? And, hey! What’re you doing in my office?

Greg Knapp: Howdy, Lane! Just trying to see how some of my Thomas Kinkade prints would look on the wall. Oh, this one with the cottage is right purdy.

Kiffin: On whose authority?

Public Address: Vould the owner of a vehicle vith the tags “LN KFFN” please be advised that your has been towed. Blllleeeaaah!

Knapp: His.

Kiffin: But I’m still the coach!

Knapp: Oh yeah. Yeah. Of course you are… Coach.

Kiffin: You took down my authentic cell of Kif!

Just threw it in the trash! Like it was nothing.

Knapp: Jesus, son. [Fishes it out, doesn't bother to wipe off coffee stains] Here. Aren’t you too old to be watching cartoons?

Kiffin: No, actually, not really. In fact, I was gonna test the waters with Animation Domination as a mantra for the year. Whaadaya think?

Knapp: Sounds like a winner.

[Door flies open, stench wafts out]

Tom Cable: Hoooo, man. Just had a commitment to excrement right there. You’re gonna need to let this place aerate a little bit.

Kiffin: You were in my executive washroom!

Cable: And you might wanna execute a little nose pinch if you try to go in there, my man. Anyway, If it’s all the same to you, I’mma hang on to the key.

Kiffin: What about when I gotsta go tinkle?

Cable: Well, we got fields. Lotsa fields. It’ll bring you closer to the fans.

Kiffin: That’s it! I hope Janikowski is ready for some 85-yard field goals in two weeks. I’ll right this ship yet! I’ll… did you already take the pictures of my family out of the frames on the desk?

Knapp: No, actually they came and got them. I think they know what’s up.

Kiffin: Fuck me.

The Steelers played like dogshit for all but about 15 seconds last night, but, oh, what a 15 seconds!
(more…)

Without sifting through historical records, it’s probably safe to say last night’s MNF was one of the most boring overtime games in the history of professional football. Which is why you should read our live-blogging efforts. Did Tony Kornheiser discuss Anne Hathaway’s love of anal sex? I think not.

Dystopian Port Town Versus Dystopian Steel Town… WHO YA GOT?!?!?!?

The other linebacking blowhard for the Ravens, Bart Scott, let it be known last year after Bawlmer got crushed on Monday night in Heinz Field and he got put on his ass by everyone’s favorite smirretime happy leceivel Hines Ward that he would like to kill the Steeler. While the media is playing up Rashard Mendenhall sending a boastful text to his friend Ray Rice, they’re mostly giving Scott a pass. At least the hometown Templeton-employing newspaper bothered to press him on it, to which Scott replied that he needs drugs and professes a willingness to beat up his mom. Just like everyone else in Baltimore.

“What are you talking about?” Scott asked rhetorically. “I don’t have a rivalry with anybody. Just trying to get a football game and get a dub. Need a dub.”

In the Ravens’ last visit to Heinz Field, Ward decked free safety Ed Reed and Scott with crushing blocks. Scott admitted to threatening to “kill” Ward during the game and pledged to even the score. But Ward did not play in the season finale at M&T Bank Stadium.

A reporter then told Scott that Ward said he likes the Ravens linebacker. Scott returned the favor, saying, “I think he did some tremendous things. I was really impressed with what he did with bringing those kids over from Asia. I watched the special. I think that was heartfelt. Football is a totally different thing. Like I said, I don’t care if my mother was out there. I’d smack her around, too. That’s just football. It doesn’t matter. If she’s got a different jersey on, she’s got to get dealt with.”

There’s only one way to settle this, boys: Smirre-off!

Also, this was pretty hilarious.

As an alum of the University of Merlin, I’ve seen many a celebratory bonfire in my days, albeit with couches serving as kindling in lieu of cars. Still, something about this one that followed the Jets’ drubbing of the Cardinals strikes me as all too familiar. Possibly because half the kids that go to Maryland come from fucking Jersey. You can just tell when a good conflagration has that distinctive Jersey touch stench.

0:04 — No exploding cigar? And I thought you guys were committed to mayhem.

0:10 — “That’s a fucking picture YESSSSSSSS!” No doubt it will fit nicely into the Tragedies of Jersey triptych he’s putting together.

0:38 — “This was an unexpected surprise.” I’m assuming he means the Jets victory.

0:53 — What’s with the rush to take a picture? As if burned out cars, houses, public buildings, Sheetz stations weren’t the norm around there.

1:02 — “That’s an all-aluminum frame too!” Just think what that’ll fetch at the scrap yard. I call dibs!

1:07 — Who needs hoses when Fireman Ed can easily yell the fire out?

1:12 — J-E-T-S chant while the blaze is being extinguished. C’mon flame, you can get that second wind and scorch the rest of the state, can’t you?

1:30 — What’s what with the Jerricho Cotchery and Wayne Chrebet unis? Peter King thinks these people are all fucking ingrates.

[Busted Coverage]

(more…)

In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Ocho Cinco into his home in a spirited attempt to get the two men to understand one another.

Marvin: Hey, Chad! Get down here. It’s time for us to study game film. We gotta get some work done if we’re gonna dig out of this hole!

Ocho: Comin’, coach! Comin’! Just finishing something up!

Marvin: Finishing something up? C’mon, Chad! Let’s move! We have some serious work to do here.

Ocho: Okay, okay, okay, I’m here. But I just wanted to show you something. I’ve been thinking a lot, Coach. I’ve been thinking about, like, the world and shit. I saw this movie about global warming, and it really opened my mind.

Marvin: You mean “An Inconvenient Truth”?

Ocho: No, it was “The Day After Tomorrow.” Did you know Dennis Quaid was a scientist? I did NOT know that. I thought he was just an actor.

Marvin: He IS an actor, Chad. He was only portraying a scientist. But he isn’t actually a scientist.

Ocho: Whoa ho yo, you didn’t see the movie. I did. Okay? He really knew his shit.

Marvin: No, he was reading lines off of a script. Lines written by a writer. He isn’t a scientist.

Ocho: Yeah, but you don’t know that.

Marvin: Yes, I do.

Ocho: No, you don’t.

Marvin: Yes, I do.

Ocho: No, you don’t. I saw “Innerspace”, okay? I saw him zoom around inside this one cracker’s body. He knew about, like, the pancreas and shit. And that was, like 20 years ago. Think about all the shit Dennis Quaid has learned since then. He learned to play baseball.

Marvin: That was “The Rookie”.

Ocho: He learned to gunfight with Wyatt Earp.

Marvin: That was “Wyatt Earp”.

Ocho: He learned to play quarterback. A whole lot better than fucking Ryan Fitzsimmons, by the way.

Marvin: That was… never mind.

Ocho: Anyway, Dennis Quaid was talking about this global warming shit, and I came up with a solution. Are you ready?

Marvin: I not sure how I possibly can be.

Ocho: Okay, here it is. I take this globe. Okay?

Marvin: Okay.

Ocho: Then I take this fan. Okay?

Marvin: Okay.

Ocho: Now I turn on the fan. Okay? BAM! No more global warming.

Marvin: …

Ocho: Nothing to say? I blew your mind, right?

Marvin: No, I was just having an aneurysm. So, you’re suggesting we place a giant table fan in space, yes?

Ocho: Who said anything about space? I can cool down this globe right here.

Marvin: Okay, do you understand what global warming is?

Ocho: Yeah. The globes are warm. So we gotta cool the fuckers down. This globe is a touch warm if you feel it. Almost like it has a fever. I hope it’s not sick.

Marvin: Globes can’t get sick. They’re inanimate objects. They have no cells for viruses to infiltrate.

Ocho: Objects can get sick. I saw Mr. Potato Head blow his nose once in “Toy Story”.

Marvin: That was animation. That didn’t actually happen. Furthermore, the issue of global warming does not affect globes, which are merely small-scale models of the entire earth, but rather the Earth itself.

Ocho: Whoa, hold up. You’re saying the earth looks like this?

Marvin: Yes.

Ocho: Pfft. This shit is ROUND! Ain’t no way the Earth is round. Look at the ground, Coach. That shit is FLAT. I rest my case.

Marvin: That’s because the planet is so large, its curvature so gradual, that you cannot perceive it. The world was proven as round centuries ago.

Ocho: By who?

Marvin: Galileo.

Ocho: Leo DiCaprio? He ain’t no scientist. He’s a tough cop from Boston.

Marvin: No, Galileo.

Ocho: Gargamel?

Marvin: GALIFUCKINGLEO. The famous Italian astronomer. He discovered the world was round. There are pictures of it from space now. Kids learn the earth is round as soon as kindergarten. It’s a fact, Chad.

Ocho: Yeah, well I didn’t hear Dennis Quaid say anything about that.

Marvin: BECAUSE HE’S AN ACTOR.

Ocho: See, there you go boxing people in again. This is why my Chad Ocho Cinco Global Coolin’ Globe Fan won’t get sold, because of your ignorance.

Marvin: That fan won’t get sold because it’s a piece of crap. The earth cannot be cooled by blowing a fan onto a globe. There are so many holes in your solution, there isn’t enough room on your globe, or the earth itself, to list them all. A globe is not some kind of voodoo doll for the entire planet.

Ocho: How do you know that? This globe is warm, and I’m feeling a bit warm myself. And watch this. (spins globe) See, don’t you feel kinda woozy now?

Marvin: No.

Ocho: That’s because you don’t believe in science.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. YOU FUCKING IMBECILE. IS THERE SHIT IN YOUR HEAD? NO REALLY, IS THERE A GIANT FUCKING LUMP OF SHIT IN YOUR GODDAMN BRAIN PAN? THIS IS WHY WE’RE FUCKING 0-4, CHAD. WE CAN’T WIN A GODDAMN GAME BECAUSE WE HAVE PLAYERS WHO THINK THAT THE EARTH IS FLAT, AND THAT GLOBES CAN RUN A TEMPERATURE, AND THAT DENNIS QUAID LITERALLY BECOMES THE PEOPLE HE PLAYS ON SCREEN.

ARE YOU REALLY THIS FUCKING DUMB? BECAUSE NOW I WANT TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF. I CAN’T LIVE IN A FUCKING WORLD WHERE PEOPLE AS PROFOUNDLY DUMB AS YOU ARE FREE TO WALK AROUND. YOU MAKE ME WANT TO FUCKING DIE, YOU STUPID, VACUOUS SHITHEAD.

Ocho: See, I think we’re 0-4 because of Ryan Fitzgeraldthomas. And I think Ray Lewis and Dennis Quaid would agree with me. Say, did you see there was a country called Chad on this globe? THAT’S MY COUNTRY!

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.