YES! I knew it! I knew staying in Denver after I got cut would pay big dividends. Oh, thank you, DNC. Thank you so very much. Finally, this town’s gonna be flooded with girls who are WILLING to have abortions!

Nice!

I can’t wait. For four whole days, I am gonna be surrounded by some seriously desperate independent feminazi poon tang. These chicks have been marching and canvassing and protesting all year long. Something tells me they’re ready to vote for some Travis Henry Cock to help wind down! It’s got the highest THC content of all!

Best of all, I don’t even have to TRY and convince these gals to go and get scraped! Hell, they can’t wait to get pregnant, then spin on over to the Baby Dispatch Clinic and get it all on video for their Master’s thesis art project at Oberlin. AWESOME.

Sure, most of these chicks are over 150 lbs, and old, and have short hair, and wear fanny packs. IT’S WORTH THE TRADEOFF FOR ONE KICKASS RU-486 PARTY, I TELL YOU! GET ME SOME PLASTIC SHEETING FOR MY CONDO FLOOR! All I have to do is tell them how hard it is to be a black man America today, and their lily-white, open-minded asses are MINE! Shit, I’ll wear a goddamn Obama mask if they want!

Finally. No more getting laid, then sitting around happily oblivious for six weeks, only to have the girl come knocking at my door talking about, “Hey, you’re gonna be a Daddy now, Travis. You have responsibilities. THIS IS MY BABY AND MY CHOICE!” God, what a bunch of tightasses these Denver chicks are. “I care about family!” Pfft. Whatever, Hitler lady.

No more trying to convince them. No more punching them in the tummy and hoping for the best. No more pretending to “sleepwalk” with my trusty wire hanger. No more calling Rae Carruth for advice. FINALLY, SOME CHICKS ARE IN TOWN WHO KNOW HOW TO FUCKING PARTY! THEY CAN’T ALL BE LESBOS!

I’m telling you, this town is gonna be Shangri-La for bareback riding enthusiasts the world over. I heard Larry Bird is even showing up! I’m gonna slip so many past the goalie, you’d think it was the goddamn NHL All-Star game. Just call me Alexander Inbitchkin!

I BETTER CALL WILLIS MCGAHEE!