Why, you’d get 49er reserve running back Zak Keasey, who was prominently featured in last night’s exhibition game against the Bears. Yes, that’s Zak with a K. TO THE EXTREME HE ROCKS THE MIC LIKE A VANDAL.

Zak comes to us from Princeton. And if you don’t think he had a Che Guevara poster on his dorm room wall, played hacky sack, protested the WTO, and read lots of John Updike books in order to tell people he read lots of John Updike books, then you don’t know preppy white assholes with dreadlocks as well as I do.

If you’re gonna handcuff Zak to Frank Gore, you better make sure those handcuffs have pink fur on them. He’s auditioning to be the bassist for Incubus as we speak.