What Happens When Harvard Meets Hard Time? Moderate Hilarity And Cruel Generalizations, Of Course
Could you imagine a guy from Harvard trying to play for the Bengals? We don’t have to! Ryan Fitzpatrick, who used to play with the Rams, is a Harvard alum! He’s really smart! He signed a one-year tender offer with Hamilton County Correctional in April, and agreed to keep a running diary through his first Bengals training camp, exclusively for KSK. Here’s the first installment from Ryan’s diary, a unique perspective from behind the scenes of a legitimate NFL franchise!
July 28
Camp started today here in Georgetown, Kentucky. I didn’t join the Bengals until September of last year, so this is actually my first camp with the team. That’s helpful since I have a good assessment of the players around me.
And my assessment is this: I’d rather be the cum rag at a porno shoot than be on this team. My Harvard team was never like this. At Harvard, we treated every teammate like a member of his own family. Even the colored guys. This is no family. Maybe what this team needs is a mom. Not a real mom, but someone like that fat readhead from The Facts Of Life. Man, that was a great show.
This is gonna be a long year.
August 1
Had the intrasquad scrimmage today. The warden said everyone looked good today. Oops, I mean Coach Lewis. I refer to him as the warden when I call home. I guess I could have just scratched that line off.
I guess I played pretty well today, but I’m getting tired of splitting reps with Carson Palmer’s brother. Or gay lover. Do homos share last names? Or just their immunodeficiency viruses? If that faggot ever tries to use my water bottle, we’re gonna have a problem. No wonder Carson’s clothes are so clean.
I miss normal white people.
August 6
Last day of two-a-days today, and you can really tell around here, because Kyle Larson just got shanked in the cafeteria. I told him not to go in there on meatloaf days; those animals just can’t control themselves. Where are the guards in this place? I’m already carrying pepper spray in each hand when I walk through the dorms. Maybe I should get a Taser.
The Warden says I look good. I just want to play football, but I don’t know if I can do it here.
August 11
Just finished our preseason game with Green Bay. Aaron Rodgers told me how much pressure he’s been under this offseason. Whatever. Wait until your offensive line tries to rape you in the shower, Aaron. Try eluding that rush and get back to me. He doesn’t know how good he has it over there. I’d rather live in Green Bay than Cincinnati. I think I’d rather live in Rosie O’Donnell’s ass than Cincinnati.
This place is really starting to get to me.
Thanks, Ryan! Can’t wait to hear more from you as the season continues!
Tags: cincinnati bengals, jeez punter that's just wrong, MMP, prison rape, Ryan Fitzpatrick's Diary
August 14th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
Come back next week, when Ocho Cinco teams up with Ryan! It’s the most hilarious buddy comedy in years!
August 14th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Gotta love the casual racism posts!
August 14th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Funny you posted this. I was watching “Hard Knocks: Training Camp with the Cincinnati Bengals” last week, but it was twenty minutes before I realized it was actually an old episode of “Oz.”
August 14th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Jeez Punte, that’s just wrong, racist, elitist, homophobic, and fucking hilarious.
August 14th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Sounds so bitter and desperate that I have to assume this is a real, honest to goodness diary by Fitzpatrick and not Punte’s imagination running wild.
August 14th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Well apparently the vernacular of Harvard alumni is much different from the Ivy League mocking we’re used to on this site, this guy can’t hold an elitist candle to the Garrett brothers.
August 14th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
That’s because us Harvard guys are smart enough to try to blend into the rest of the prison world so as not to draw unnecessary attention to ourselves, unlike those prissy Garrett boys.
Did I say us? I mean those Harvard guys …
August 14th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
Me personally … I am a pretentious prick.
August 14th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
Fitzy was a year ahead of me at school. This is exactly what he, and the rest of us, are like.
August 14th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
boy, that’s fucking timely punter.
Oh, and if he’s trying to avoid getting raped by the bengals line, the easiest way to get away is to run right through them…
/sad he’s a bengals fan…
August 14th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Another Harvard Grad (and the school/Ivy league all-time leading rusher) Clifton Dawson spent a week with the Bengals last season before the Colts re-signed him.
August 14th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
I miss normal white people
They have those at Harvard?
August 14th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Fitzy? How the hell did a dockworker from Quinzee get into Hahvahd? And how did it make it into the NFL
August 14th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
I wish I could tell you that Fitzy fought the good fight, and the Bengals let him be. I wish I could tell you that, but Bengals camp is no fairy-tale world.
August 14th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
@ CSW
Bra-fucking-vo!
Who would the sisters be on the Bengals though?
August 14th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
That Shawshank Redemption is an American Movie Classic. So who are the Sisters?
August 14th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
@CBAAS: FACK YOU AND YOUR LIGHTNING QUICK INTRATUBES CONNECTION!
August 14th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
@shakenbake: He’s also Canadian. And was released by the Colts on Sunday only to be re-signed again on Tuesday.
@porky1: I’m pretty sure the bitterness and desperation sound so authentic because Punter’s from Cinci.
August 14th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
“That’s because us Harvard guys are smart enough to try to blend into the rest of the prison world . . .”
I see what you did there. By using “us” instead of the proper “we,” you attempted to blend in with the mouth-breathing state college graduates on this board. Very clever you.
August 14th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
Andrew Hatch is a transfer from Harvard, and he’s about to go on a surprise Heisman season for LSU. Funny, huh?
August 14th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
this is a fantastic idea.
August 14th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
Blog Patron Saint Watch: The fantasy draft special is on ESPN right now, and I hate to say it, but Suzy’s hair is seven kinds of awful. Otherwise, she’s delightful as usual.
Also: With the first pick, Merrill Hoge took Purple Jesus. Does this affect what week PJ is going to blow his knee out and send Drew off the deep end? Suzy took LDT with the second pick and Method Man made his pick (Gore) in the third person. This show is surreal.
August 14th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
so now we know who Fitzy from Maaaaarbulhead is
\opens bottle of chardonnay, pours it out, spits in it
August 14th, 2008 at 8:22 pm
@smurphette
A Black, Canadian, Harvard grad, that’s would be one mixed up stereotype. Do the gay mafia like a challenge?
August 14th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
“I see what you did there. By using “us” instead of the proper “we,” you attempted to blend in with the mouth-breathing state college graduates on this board. Very clever you.”
Hey! I resent being referred to as mouth breathing! That’s the same kind of terminology I use to refer to schools like Northwestern Missouri State University (yes, it actually exists). And I breathe through my mouth because my allergies are acting up. Allergies, dammit!
August 14th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
there’s nothing funny about prison rape, unless you are in clown prison.
August 14th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
Hey, statistically 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
August 15th, 2008 at 12:34 am
Still waiting for the Dartmouth shout out
http://www.collegefastbreak.com/prediction-8-accbig-ten-challenge/
August 15th, 2008 at 6:33 am
Still waiting for the Dartmouth shout out
I believe that’s what the comment before yours was referencing.
August 15th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
I miss normal white people.
me too. i also miss leprechauns, unicorns and other things in imaginationland.
well done, mr. punter.
August 15th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
I miss normal white people.
me too. i also miss leprechauns, unicorns and other things in imaginationland.
well done, mr. punter.
August 15th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
fucking codes and double posts.