Things You Already Knew: Bears Dumb, Bengals Dumber, Pats Fans Annoying
In news you already know: Kyle Orton has won out over the Sex Cannon for the Bears starting job. Judging from the above pic, he’s as shocked as you are.
In news you already know but still can only scarcely believe: The Bengals have welcomed back troubled wideout Chris Henry. Apparently Chad Johnson’s shoulder injury is something of a concern and there wasn’t anyone else on the face of the planet who could catch a football other than this fuckup. How much of Dade County will he be showing us?
And, as a quick addendum: Pats fans still annoyingly find tangential reasons to rant about bullshit:
IT HAS been an honor to watch Michael Phelps in these Beijing Olympic Games, despite nearly drowning in the wake of the overwhelming media coverage.
However, I was most touched by the segment on NBC in which Bob Costas hosted a conversation between Phelps and 1972 Olympic swimming sensation Mark Spitz. I was moved by the gracious manner in which Spitz congratulated Phelps on his truly epic feat, going so far as to say that he was honored to be an inspiration to him.
Spitz’s words caused me to reflect on the media coverage of the 2007 Patriots’ quest for perfection, and specifically the remarks from some of the 1972 Dolphins as the Pats approached their remarkable feat.
Hopefully, Don Shula, Mercury Morris, Jim Mandich and others were watching the NBC segment. The next time a team challenges their epic season, they could certainly learn a lot from Spitz about how to carry oneself like a champion.
Congratulations to Michael Phelps, and go Pats!
GIDEON Y. ZELERMYER
Montreal
Yes. A Canadian Pats fan named Gideon. Nothing like the Olympics to bring together douchetaaaaahd Pats fans living under the flags of all different nations. And the only thing perhaps as gay as this ad.
Tags: quick hits, xmas ape
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August 19th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Bench Cannon.
August 19th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
- Kyle Orton over Rex Grossman: Turd Sandwich wins! Turd Sandwich wins!
- Chris Henry’s back: So what exactly IS a dismissable offense? Double homicide? Mob money laundering? Where’s the line?
- Pats fans: 18-1. Forever.
August 19th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
How am I supposed to believe that having your face that close to the water level … EVEN with bubbles … that those guys didn’t catch a glimpse of some man-meat?
August 19th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
Spitz’s words caused me to reflect on the media coverage of the 2007 Patriots’ quest for perfection, and specifically the remarks from some of the FACKIN QUEE-AH 1972 DAAAAAHHFFINS as the Pats approached their remarkable feat.
/Tommy’d
August 19th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
Viva El Neckbeard!
Fuck the Patriots.
That is all.
August 19th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
I’m really not looking forward to when Simmons come back from the Keys, or whatever gayass hiatus he’s on…
August 19th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
God, can’t the Pats return to mediocrity so that Bostonians can only be mouthy about the fucking Sawx?
August 19th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
That may be the gayest fucking ad of all time!!!
August 19th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
that is one happenin’ basement… no wonder Orton hangs out there
August 19th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
I could see Wade Philips blowing bubbles for JJ
August 19th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
neckbeard is going to be tough to make fun of. i mean, of course, aside from the neckbeard. he certainly doesnt fit the mold for most of the poking fun that goes on around here (gay, fat, scofflaw, kid brother, gay). hes just, like, a dude with a neckbeard. what a challenge for the gay mafia though to come up with something for him! cant wait!
August 19th, 2008 at 5:12 pm
Can we officially start the Sex Cannon to SF rumors now? Sexy Rexy in a Mike Martz offense would put me in a pure state of Rextacy. Plus the Cannon was born for SF. I’d be surprised if he wasn’t shoulder deep in a Thai “massage therapist” as I type this.
August 19th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
A douchebag named Gideon?
I bet he’s the one who keeps putting Bibles in the bedside tables in my hotel rooms. You’re not helping with the sexy mood, mister.
August 19th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
Oh my god that ad is so gay. You take every ad by McDonald’s, every ad by Nobody Beats the Wiz, every ad by Levitra — none of them hold a candle to that one for the sheer incomprehensibility that it could actually make it on to the air.
August 19th, 2008 at 5:35 pm
This warrants further ranting. We have here an advertisement in which two dudes blow bubbles two and a half feet from another dude’s balls, while that dude takes a bath. I mean, seriously, how in the fuck, right?
August 19th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
@Auksyte
…’scofflaw’, wow! I just……wow!
/has nothing
August 19th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
Fuck Orton…who’s the hottie on the left?
August 19th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
Or conversely, the Pats and Pats fans could take a lesson from Michael Phelps. In persuit of the record, show some fucking humility and when you’re “at a loss of words” you could…you know…shut the fuck up.
August 19th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
i’m pretty sure i read an article about how mark spitz refused to show up to michael phelps’ historic race, even going as far as to say wasn’t invited. i also remember countless interviews of that dolphins team where the players said that they were not in fact all just a bunch of mark spitzes sitting around hoping their record wouldn’t be broken. proof once again that canadians should talk never.
August 19th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
The first version of that ad had those guys sucking instead of blowing. Luckily someone told them that was too gay.
August 19th, 2008 at 6:56 pm
@Dan Daoust: Charles?
August 19th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
I’m guessing Gideon Zelermeyer watches Patriot games the same way Bela Karolyi watches women’s gymnastics
August 19th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
The Pats fan who wrote the letter? His name, GIDEON Y. ZELERMYER, is an anagram for EYED MEN – ZERO GIRLY.
Pats fans are gay, Q.E.D.
August 19th, 2008 at 7:53 pm
Typical Canadian wimpiness. That’s why they’ve got snowballs and we’ve got the H-Bomb.
August 19th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
I guess Gideon the Dumbshit didn’t see the FIRST time they interviewed Spitz about Phelps, where every sentence translated into “fuck Michael Phelps because I’m a gigantic douchebag.”
August 19th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
That picture gives no clue as to who gets to fuck the blonde in the back of a van. An educated guess would be the guy who didn’t blow his load on Orton’s shirt.
August 19th, 2008 at 11:01 pm
@sonofspam
r u really really good at anagrams, or do u just take KSK commenting as seriously as we all should? I salute you
August 19th, 2008 at 11:26 pm
@smk: i think its a bass-ment, according to the sign
August 20th, 2008 at 12:37 am
Yes, how dare the Dolphins be so ungracious as to not acknowledge a team that was worse than them as their betters. Truly, an affront to the game.
August 20th, 2008 at 1:17 am
I swear I know that chick.
August 20th, 2008 at 1:23 am
Is that a N. Illinois helmet?
http://www.collegefastbreak.com/
August 20th, 2008 at 8:44 am
Luckily, Gideon is from Canada, so his opinion is worth 40% less.
Oh wait, French Canadian? Then his opinion is worthless.
August 20th, 2008 at 11:11 am
[...] at any other viable options at the QB position during the offseason or that the sports blogging community now follows travails of such a mediocre player with a Rachel Nichols-on-Brett Favre-like zeal. [...]
August 20th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Thanks for spotlighting that commercial. It has been disturbing me ever since I saw it.
August 20th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Oberlin = Gay
August 20th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
You know whats more annoying than Pats fans? Fucking idiots (writers of this fine site excluded) talking about Pats fans. Seriously, its real fucking old.