[Int. Oxnard Residence Inn]

Tony: [watching PGA Championship while masturbating slowly] Oh Jesus, Oakland Hills, I would do such dirty things to your fertile grounds.

[cellphone vibrates]

[cellphone vibrates]

[cellphone vibrates]

[pulling phone out from underneath his ass]

Tony: You got Romo!

Jess: Hey baby, what’re you doin’?

[stops masturbating]

Tony: Oh not much, just going over the playbook and getting ready for the quarterbacks meeting. You know, typical boring training camp stuff.

Jess: Oh yeah? Are you sure you aren’t watching the golf again?

[mutes television]

Tony: No, I swear! I didn’t even know there was a tournament going on today, I’m way too busy studying football and junk.

Jess: You better be, because if I’m gonna make it as a popular country singer I can’t have you screwing things up for the Cowboys again this year.

Tony: Don’t worry Jess, I’ve got it this year. I’m focusing on nothing but football and you, baby.

Jess: Good, because daddy says I can bet my sweet sweater cows that my only chance of selling records is if my boyfriend wins a Super Bowl for the Cowboys.

Tony: Jeez Jess, I wish you wouldn’t let your dad talk to you like that. You’re a beautiful talented woman, and people will buy your albums because they love you the same way I sometimes do.

Jess: Oh please Tony, I’m not stupid. [sets hair on fire] If this is going to work out it’s because I’m dating the big studly quarterback, not some wannabe pro golfer washout.

Tony: Yeah Jess, I get the point and I promise I’m working really hard out here.

Jess: I’m sure you are Tony, I just wish I could be there with you. Are you sure there’s no way I can be a part of the Hard Knockers thing?

Tony: Sorry baby, but they said you couldn’t be on camera.

Jess: I thought you’d say that, which is why I have a surprise for you.

Tony: Oh yeah, and what’s that?

Jess: Well, open up your laptop’s video chat.

Tony: Hey, that’s you!

Jess: That’s right! I set this up so I can dance for you while you’re off at camp. Daddy says we can’t have you getting distracted by all those slutty cheerleaders, so I’m supposed to keep you entertained.

Tony: Wow Jess, I don’t know. [Jess begins gyrating awkwardly] This all seems a little creepy.

[door flies open]

Joe: Sweet Libby Hoeler, did I miss the show?!

Tony: What the hell are you doing here, Mr. Simpson?

Joe: Just wanted to make sure the connection was up and running.

Tony: Wait, you set up the webcam?

Joe: What, did you think Jessica did it herself? My baby’s got the tits that could launch a thousand dicks, but she’s dumber than a sack of implants. Wait a sec! Where the hell are the cameras?

Tony: What cameras?

Joe: The television cameras! We were supposed to be filming this shit for the HBO.

Tony: I told you Mr. Simpson, I’m not putting Jess on Hard Knocks, especially when she’s stripping on a webcam.

[door flies open]

Jerry: YEEEEE-HAW, LET’S SEE SOME OF THOSE TI-XAS TITTIES BOUNCIN’ FOR MY BOY, ROMO!!

Tony: Mr. Jones, i really don’t think this is appropriate.

Jerry: NONSENSE, YOU’RE A GOD DAMNED STAR, AND TIXAS SIZED STARS DESERVED SOME TIXAS SIZED TITTIES JIGGLIN’ FOR ‘EM! WHERE THE HELL ARE THOSE DAMN CAMERAS?

[door flies open]

Adam: Aw, hell naw. I ain’t down with that innernet porn bullshit. You bring that bitch down her and I’ll show ya how to turn that ass inside out!

Tony: Guys, I really wish you’d all just lea…

[door flies open]

Tony: I don’t need this shit, I have a tee time to get to.

[Tony exits]

Thanks to the tremendous Holy Taco.