The Continuing Adventures of Tony and Jess
[Int. Oxnard Residence Inn]
Tony: [watching PGA Championship while masturbating slowly] Oh Jesus, Oakland Hills, I would do such dirty things to your fertile grounds.
[cellphone vibrates]
[cellphone vibrates]
[cellphone vibrates]
[pulling phone out from underneath his ass]
Tony: You got Romo!
Jess: Hey baby, what’re you doin’?
[stops masturbating]
Tony: Oh not much, just going over the playbook and getting ready for the quarterbacks meeting. You know, typical boring training camp stuff.
Jess: Oh yeah? Are you sure you aren’t watching the golf again?
[mutes television]
Tony: No, I swear! I didn’t even know there was a tournament going on today, I’m way too busy studying football and junk.
Jess: You better be, because if I’m gonna make it as a popular country singer I can’t have you screwing things up for the Cowboys again this year.
Tony: Don’t worry Jess, I’ve got it this year. I’m focusing on nothing but football and you, baby.
Jess: Good, because daddy says I can bet my sweet sweater cows that my only chance of selling records is if my boyfriend wins a Super Bowl for the Cowboys.
Tony: Jeez Jess, I wish you wouldn’t let your dad talk to you like that. You’re a beautiful talented woman, and people will buy your albums because they love you the same way I sometimes do.
Jess: Oh please Tony, I’m not stupid. [sets hair on fire] If this is going to work out it’s because I’m dating the big studly quarterback, not some wannabe pro golfer washout.
Tony: Yeah Jess, I get the point and I promise I’m working really hard out here.
Jess: I’m sure you are Tony, I just wish I could be there with you. Are you sure there’s no way I can be a part of the Hard Knockers thing?
Tony: Sorry baby, but they said you couldn’t be on camera.
Jess: I thought you’d say that, which is why I have a surprise for you.
Tony: Oh yeah, and what’s that?
Jess: Well, open up your laptop’s video chat.
Tony: Hey, that’s you!
Jess: That’s right! I set this up so I can dance for you while you’re off at camp. Daddy says we can’t have you getting distracted by all those slutty cheerleaders, so I’m supposed to keep you entertained.
Tony: Wow Jess, I don’t know. [Jess begins gyrating awkwardly] This all seems a little creepy.
[door flies open]
Joe: Sweet Libby Hoeler, did I miss the show?!
Tony: What the hell are you doing here, Mr. Simpson?
Joe: Just wanted to make sure the connection was up and running.
Tony: Wait, you set up the webcam?
Joe: What, did you think Jessica did it herself? My baby’s got the tits that could launch a thousand dicks, but she’s dumber than a sack of implants. Wait a sec! Where the hell are the cameras?
Tony: What cameras?
Joe: The television cameras! We were supposed to be filming this shit for the HBO.
Tony: I told you Mr. Simpson, I’m not putting Jess on Hard Knocks, especially when she’s stripping on a webcam.
[door flies open]
Jerry: YEEEEE-HAW, LET’S SEE SOME OF THOSE TI-XAS TITTIES BOUNCIN’ FOR MY BOY, ROMO!!
Tony: Mr. Jones, i really don’t think this is appropriate.
Jerry: NONSENSE, YOU’RE A GOD DAMNED STAR, AND TIXAS SIZED STARS DESERVED SOME TIXAS SIZED TITTIES JIGGLIN’ FOR ‘EM! WHERE THE HELL ARE THOSE DAMN CAMERAS?
[door flies open]
Adam: Aw, hell naw. I ain’t down with that innernet porn bullshit. You bring that bitch down her and I’ll show ya how to turn that ass inside out!
Tony: Guys, I really wish you’d all just lea…
[door flies open]
Tony: I don’t need this shit, I have a tee time to get to.
[Tony exits]
Thanks to the tremendous Holy Taco.
Tags: Tony and Jess, Unsilent Majority
August 8th, 2008 at 11:22 am
If Maj and I were facebook buddies, I’d send him a simulated Hebrew Genesis Ale for this.
August 8th, 2008 at 11:24 am
thankfully, this gives wade enough time to grab a hamburger in peace.
August 8th, 2008 at 11:26 am
I like that Joe Simpson
August 8th, 2008 at 11:30 am
[door flies open]
August 8th, 2008 at 11:33 am
Needs more [door flies open]
August 8th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Just once, I’d like someone to open the door slowly and calmly
August 8th, 2008 at 11:39 am
Joe Simpson - The Creepier Woody Allen
August 8th, 2008 at 11:54 am
Roman Polanski thinks Joe Simpson is a pervert.
August 8th, 2008 at 11:56 am
pussy don’t sang
August 8th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
I have a hard time believing that this happened. You mean to tell me that Pac saw a woman dancing and didn’t imdiately throw money into the air. KSK has lost all credibility.
August 8th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
As a corollary to the overrated movies post, can I just say that Jessica Simpson has a fucking horse head?
To preemptively combat all of your objections, yes, of course I would still fucking the shit out of her. But I’m just sayin, there’s a lot hotter girls out there with just as, if not better, tittays.
I’m looking at you, Marissa Miller.
August 8th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Have to say I’m not a big Jess fan, but that is the best pic I’ve seen of her. Oh and wow her feet are huge.
August 8th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
It has come to my attention that I made an error in my previous comment.
I meant to say “just as good, if not better, tittays.”
I apologize for the error, and any confusion said error might have caused.
Best wishes,
The Gooch
August 8th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
@ognihs
Pussy kills. If you don’t believe me, just ask my man James.
August 8th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Needs more [door flies open] everyday.
@ The Gooch: why are you looking at her head?! Jessica Simpson has one body part that people care about. And that’s her chest. Jessica Simpson’s rack doesn’t deserve to be attached to the fading star of Jessica Simpson.
At least, that’s what her daddy says.
August 8th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
[door flies open] [makes it rain] [smacks a ho] [gun goes off] [lawyers up]
August 8th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Jess: Oh please Tony, I’m not stupid. [sets hair on fire] If this is going to work out it’s because I’m dating the big studly quarterback, not some wannabe pro golfer washout.
probably the smartest thing jess has ever said, actually.
August 8th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Is it bad that I like her new song?
August 8th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Wade really seemed to enjoy that Diet Dr. Pepper during Hard Knocks the other night.
August 8th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
That picture of Papa Simpson is so creepy it’s superb.
August 8th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
[turns off computer to go play mutant league football]
August 8th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Brilliant.
[beats off to Jess]
[Joe Simpson beat me to it]
[God I hope this doesn't happen]
August 8th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Definitely diggin the bonus post.
August 8th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
And by the way if you’re a guy and you say you wouldn’t eat a spoonful of her shit, you’re a liar.
August 8th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
where’s garrett to remember the time he feasted and talked of other times they feasted.
August 8th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
@Tanos: Seriously? I’m looking at it like, “Where’d her boobs go?”
August 8th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
This just isn’t funny.
August 8th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Where’s Thirsty TJ?
August 8th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
@ jets land favre! what, you couldn’t think of a gayer name?
August 8th, 2008 at 11:18 pm
@ jets land favre! what, you couldn’t think of a gayer name?
At least it’s not: i wanna f— farve! (PK’s screen name) That would be gayer. just saying
[not jets land farve!]
August 9th, 2008 at 4:19 am
And with this, KSK has taught me who Libby Hoeller is.
August 9th, 2008 at 7:04 am
I’m not stupid. [sets hair on fire]
Perfect.
August 9th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Is Romo’s dick hanging out during the whole story?
August 9th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
Damn..Jessica does have some Tixas Sized Boats. http://www.betsportsweb.com/
August 10th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
@H Cuz
And with this, some material I wrote in a blog comment section before I knew what a blog was 5 years ago gets linked from KSK.
August 11th, 2008 at 3:05 am
I love the fact that tony googled “terrell owens shirtless” Classic!
August 11th, 2008 at 11:12 am
‘because they love you the same way I sometimes do.”
and the same way romo’s sometimes a goddam star, and other times a feckless, hapless sackashit who resembles nothing so closely as the second coming of danny white.