The Adventures Of Matt Leinart And Nick Lachey: Douchebags In Crime! Episode 2: In Da Club
(at a club)
Drunk Girl: C’mon, man! Just play one request for us! This is Tina’s birthday!
DJ AM: I told you girls 400 times. I don’t take requests. I am not a DJ. I am the club’s executive music producer. So please don’t approach the table again. I’m trying to put Robyn’s voice over this beat from a Doves song.
Drunk Girl: But your name is DJ AM!
DJ AM: That DJ stands for Dax Julian, not disc jockey. If you want to make requests, buy a jukebox. Otherwise, please leave me to ply my craft.
Drunk Girl: You’re suck a jerk! You’re ruining my friend’s birthday! Where’s management? Can’t anyone help us out?
(door flies open)
Matt: BRAH!
Nick: BRAH!
Matt: Brah, this club sucks, brah!
Nick: I knah, brah! Too many girls here are over 100 pounds, brah! And they’re not wearing any Pradah, brah!
Matt: Or Oscar de lah Rantah!
Nick: Brah, you can’t show up to a club wearing middle tier brands, brah. That reminds me… (sends text message) I’m texting my stylist, brah! She’s gonna hook me up with some new scarves, brah.
Drunk Girl: Guys, guys! Can you help me? That mean old DJ won’t play my best friend’s song. We’d do anything for you if you could just help us out (bats eyelashes).
Matt: What song, brah?
Drunk Girl: Um, “Love Is A Battlefield”? Tina’s a huge 80’s fan.
Nick: Pat Benetah? BRAH!
Matt: BRAH!
Nick: You don’t wanna listen to that shit, brah. That shit is old. Let Uncle Nick play something for yah, brah. I got somethin’ that’s fucking tight, brah! (shows girl his iPhone) Peep this…
Drunk Girl: No, no, no! It has to be “Love Is A Battlefield”!
Matt: Dude, that’s a sweet iPhone, brah.
Nick: Check out how many texts I got today, brah.
Drunk Girl: C’mon man, help us out!
Matt: Who’s the DJ? We’ll maybe consider thinking about possibly entertaining the idea of helping you if you help us, brah.
Drunk Girl: Oh, you guys are so sweet! What do you want us to do? (bats eyelash)
Matt: Score us some blah.
Nick: Yeah, we need some blah, brah!
Drunk Girl: Oh, cocaine? I think Jenna might have some.
Matt: Make sure you get the stuff from Columbiah, brah.
Nick: Yeah, and get a lot of it, brah. ‘Cause our friend is coming, and our friend needs a lot of it.
(door flies open)
Paris: OMIGOD, I NEED COKE! WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE? EVERYONE HERE IS PATHETIC. I WANT COKE! SOMEONE HELP GET ME SOME COKE!
Nick: Oh Paris, you’re so hawt. We’ll help yah score some blah, brah.
Matt: I wish the girls here were as smart and grounded as you are, brah. You’re so down to earth and such a great businesswoman. Have you seen Nick’s new iPhone? 3G, brah.
Paris: YOU CAN GET THIS IPHONE AT A FUCKING STORE! IT’S NOT FUCKING EMBOSSED! FUCK YOU! I WANT SOME FUCKING COKE! I’LL FUCK ANYONE HERE FOR SOME COKE!
Matt: Hey, whatsyourface, get us that blah!
Drunk Girl: Okay.
(ten minutes later)
Drunk Girl: Hi, Jenna didn’t have any coke. But she knew a guy in the club who knew another guy who knew the bathroom attendant. And he got me some of this. Now, I paid $2,000 for it.
Paris: GIVE ME THAT! (snorts it all) I NEED MORE FUCKING COKE! I CAN BUY YOU ALL! NONE OF YOU ARE AS FUCKING TALENTED AS I AM! I’M TOO PROMINENT TO BE HERE! MORE FUCKING COKE NOW!
Drunk Girl: Can you guys please get the DJ to play my song now?
Matt: Whah? Nah, brah. You didn’t get our friend enough blah to make her happy, brah.
Nick: Yeah, what’s she supposed to do with just that small amount of blah? Go back to Encinah with you and your cheap friends, brah.
Drunk Girl: I paid $2,000 for that coke, man! Please. I’m begging you. I’ll have sex with both of you right now.
Matt: Brah, I get another text message! Wait, you’re still here? Fine, fine. I’ll let you have sex with me. Just point out the DJ.
Drunk Girl: (has sex witH him, points at DJ AM) It’s that guy.
DJ AM: Is that you, Matt?
Matt: BRAH! (hugs him) That party is hawt, brah. You get my text, brah?
DJ AM: Yeah. Sorry. I’ve just been getting harassed by fat girls asking for old 80’s songs.
Matt: Oh my gah, are you serious? Fucking lame, brah. Play some more Hooastank remixes, brah. That shit is hawt, brah.
Drunk Girl: Oh my God, you’re not gonna play my song?
Matt: No way. That song is stupid, brah. I’m helping you out by NOT playing it.
Nick: For reals, brah. If he plays that shit, then he has to play songs by Devah and Tahtah and shit, brah. Do you see any of those guys on this iPhone? Nah way, brah!
Paris: WHERE’S MY FUCKING COKE?! I NEED MORE COKE! EVERYONE HERE IS UGLY AND STUPID. I WANT MORE COKE SO I CAN GO DRIVING! FUCKING GET ME MORE COKE! THAT DJ FUCKED NICOLE! I FUCKING HATE THAT BITCH AND SO I HATE HIM TOO. IF YOU DON’T GET ME MORE COKE, I WILL FUCKING TEXTCOMMUNICATE YOU!
Matt: Shit brah! I don’t wanna be textcommunicated! Hey, fat girl, get us some more blah and I think about maybe letting you perform fellatiah on me again, brah.
Drunk Girl: You people are the worst human beings on Earth.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, LA douchebags are a special breed, The Adventures Of Nick And Matt
August 11th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
They should have requested “We Belong.”
/begins stomping along to drums
August 11th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
What about Motley Crah and U-Tah?
August 11th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Brah, that chick’s not wearin’ a brah!
August 11th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Lame.
August 11th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
RE “Drunk Girl: You people are the worst human beings on Earth.”
Drunk Girl speaks the truth. Can you make her a regular? I’d love to see her appear in a JJ and Wade episode.
And dudes who says “Brah” should be executed. I’m not usually in favor of execution for non-heinous crimes, but in this case, I think we’d be doing the human race an enormous service. We don’t need that DNA in the gene pool.
August 11th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
I was less than impressed. BRING BACK MARMALARD. That is all.
August 11th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
this site so gradually turned into TMZ that I didn’t even notice
August 11th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
I see someone else reads his wife’s in touch.
August 11th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Mahmahlahd, brah?
Jesus…my brain is getting dumber after reading that brah.
Oh and Paris Hilton…not hawt brah. Not hawt.
August 11th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
yeah, love is a battlefield does suck. but i agree with cc - we belong is the tits.
August 11th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Awesome. Keep doing this.
August 11th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Love is a battlefield is only acceptable when a drunk Mr. Mackey sings it. Mmmmkay. Was hoping for a pacman appearance, or maybe some irish/bostonian bashing, but nahh… that woulda been fahkin retahhted.
August 11th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
‘Make sure you get the stuff from Columbiah, brah.’
Leave it to Leinart, with his USC undergrad education, to be ignorant of the difference between Colombian blah & the inferior DC blah - not to mention his predilection for the latter.
paris hilton=bert convey [famous for being famous, and nothing else].
August 11th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
I went to the All Points West festival this weekend and wound up in line next to a pair of brah-busting, collar-popping, giant-sunglass-sporting douchenozzles who sounded exactly like this.
Nails on a fucking chalkboard. Go huff a can of Axe Body Spray, brah.
August 11th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
“Stiflin’ in this bah, brah. I may have to undo my $900 shirt down to the fourth button, brah.”
“I hear ya brah. Show off that sweet sun tat on your belly, brah!”
August 11th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
I think we need more of the Adventures of Kitna and Kirt Warner
August 11th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Brah > …….. Steely McBeam welding your ass shut? Just barely.
/realizes has nuthin’
August 11th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Where was Tom Brady?
August 11th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
I’m not up to date on my “current affairs” to know what this referred to.
August 11th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Part of the goody of this website is the wide range of characters. So you don’t like this as well as Marmalard or JJ or Kitna or Tommy from Quinzee??? …. TOUGH SHIT. Try getting your money back. Oh, that’s right, you didn’t pay anything! Ungrateful little snots.
/hikes up suspenders and tells kids to get off his lawn
//chugs another metamucil
August 11th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Off-Topic:
R.I.P. Isaac Hayes
You will be missed
August 11th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
Hello Children!
August 11th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Back in Febuary is was sitting in the terminal at Houston Intercontinental when I noticed some douche with his hat pulled low trying to hide next to some pay phones. Said douche made his way to the seats and sat down next to me with his head down, furiously tapping away at his iPhone. It was Leinart. He was trying so hard NOT to be noticed, he stuck out like sore fucking thumb. Everyone knew who he was, but nobody even came up to him. About 5 minutes later Matt Schaub came to the gate next to us and had a group of people asking for his autopgraph while Leinart sat there looking like the girl that wasn’t asked to dance. Fucking priceless.
August 11th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
She’s gonna hook me up with some new scarves, brah
So Nicky Lachah can look about as gayee as Shawn Andrews?
August 11th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Dax Julian?
Do I detect a subtle Deep Space 9 reference?
August 11th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
I misread the title as Matt Lauer, and was looking forward to some zany Beijing-centric antics.
Like where Lachey gets kneecapped and dragged off to political prison for saying “Free Tibet, brah.”
August 11th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Needs more Brah! More Brah!
August 11th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
Textcommunicated … damn it, that’s another word I have to add to my lexicon.
August 11th, 2008 at 8:45 pm
i agree with Slash on this. Do the gene pool a favor and execute em’
August 11th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
brah why don’t you grab yourself a can of shut the fuck up
August 11th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
needs more beaver shot
August 12th, 2008 at 1:02 am
(legs fly open)
August 12th, 2008 at 9:44 am
love the fact that Douchebags in Crime ends with an exclamation point.
August 12th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Wonder if these guys like classical music - specifically, BRAHms.