Taking Out A Lousy Day On Peter King
I don’t know about you, but I have had an uncommonly shitty day today. Work sucks. My lunch sucked. My commute sucked. My jokes sucked. Everyone has found a unique way to be annoying. On a day like today, there’s really only one thing that can cheer me up, and that is to systematically take apart another edition of Peter King’s Monday Morning Quarterback. Here’s King on Favre’s ability to pick up the Jets’ playbook.
Remember what Steve Mariucci once told me about Favre, and apply it to learning a new offense. “He’s got a photographic memory, or very close to it,” Mariucci, his former quarterback coach, said. “You think he’s sleeping there in the meetings, and he still knows everything he has to know and doesn’t make mental mistakes.”
So throwing the ball to Corey Webster in overtime was part of the plan all along? Steve Mariucci, you sir, are a master at reading body language. “Hmmm. He looks like he’s sleeping. That must mean he’s concentrating EXTRA hard.”
My Favre memory story: Two nights after seeing Sling Blade in 1996, he couldn’t stop talking like Billy Bob Thornton.
Well fuck me, that is amazing. He talked just like a highly imitated character from a popular film? He must be some kind of verbal chameleon! Only he and Frank Caliendo could possess the mimicking skills needed to pull off such a daring, original impression. Quick Brett, do Chris Walken! And Pacino! No one’s ever tried to do those two guys before!
I’m not talking just a few words in the Billy Bob voice as the developmentally disabled vigilante Karl; I’m talking paragraphs. “I reckon I kilt him,” he’d say in the Thornton drawl. And on and on. “Some folks call it a sling blade. I call it a Kaiser blade. Mmm-hmm.”
He’ll learn (the Jets offense) well enough.
King here is saying that, because Favre was able to imitate Billy Bob’s character so well, and because he beat it into the ground, he should have no problem picking up the Jets’ offense. I’ve seen Favre also do a killer Schwarzenegger impression, and I remain convinced that alone is a sure sign that he could master biochemical engineering if he wanted to.
Favre is tired. I can tell you that.
Poor Brett! After everything everyone has put him through!
Just so you know, that “Brett is tired” sentence merited its own line item. I’m excited for more in-depth observations in the coming weeks.
“Favre is bearded. I can tell you that.”
“Favre has grit. I can tell you that.”
“Peyton Manning is a thinker out there. I can tell you that.”
“Tom Brady is a champion. I can tell you that.”
I expect once Favre and his family settle somewhere in west-central New Jersey… the only time he’ll go to Manhattan is when he’s forced to.
Like if someone turns on a camera. Then his hand will be forced.
In his first press conference with his new team Thursday night, Favre, who admitted how far behind he was, said: “I’m so tired of doing interviews and talking about this or talking about that. Tomorrow, hopefully, the mad rush is over.”
“I’m so tired of doing these interviews. Let me just sneak out of here and leak to Greta Van Susteren, Chris Mortensen, Reuters, Chelsea Handler, the editors at US Weekly, the DC press corps, and Matt Drudge how sick I am of doing them.”
Favre, already exhausted and with no knowledge of the playbook, probably got to bed around 3 a.m. Friday morning. And instead of rising early to get cracking on his new offense or sleeping in and getting a fresh start at, say, noon, Favre got an early wakeup to meet the mayor — and, of course, get his picture taken so the papers could trumpet the new Jet hero. Memo to Jets: Opening day is closer than you think. Learning playbooks is more important than meeting the mayor and winning the front page right now. Handle your quarterback with care.
First step in handling your QB: making it look like any and all media whoring sessions were things you forced on him, rather than things he arranged 17 days in advance. Be sure to erect a giant cross for him to lug around, to symbolize to all that Brett and Brett alone must carry the terrible, terrible burden of being Brett Favre. You’ve got some nerve making poor Brett go through this whole dog and pony show, gang.
King also unveiled his new column sections!
a. “What I Learned About Football This Week That I Didn’t Know Last Week.”
“Turns out tight ends are eligible to receive passes! Who knew?”
b. “Good Guy of the Week.”
This item was originally called “Guy who willingly ate lunch with me!”
c. “Reminds Me Of …” (And I plan to find a new title for this one.) This is one I’m most excited about. I’ll compare players from this era to those from the past and try to find similar players in style and impact on the game. I’ve already got one in mind for the first week of the season, and it involves a famous quarterback.
Can’t imagine which one.
Bob Costas, you look really smart in Tiananmen Square.
As opposed to British Columbia, where you just look like an idiot.
I’m not a big Olympics guy, but I must say the NBC pictures of a country we barely know were compelling. Looks smoggy and oppressive.
“This Van Gogh painting is incredibly compelling. Looks smeary and colorful.”
f. Speaking of letting people down, there’s a lot of people in the King family disappointed in John Edwards right now.
We thought he really had had a chance to seize the White House this year!
g. Coffeenerdness: On the advice of Braylon Edwards, I’ve recently tried Panera Bread for lunch. (What do I know? Thought it was just a bakery.) Good sandwiches. Very good dark-roast coffee, the Antiguan blend. It’s not Colgate blend, but for a chain, it’s very good.
Tune in next week when Peter discovers Cosi. He originally thought it was a Spanish furniture importer. Turns out they have flatbread. Intriguing.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, FJM style, FUCK YOU BRETT FAVRE, horrible day I want to end, peter king
August 11th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
You’re not alone in the shitty day department. What makes this day even more unbearable is that people exist who read PK’s shit and enjoy it. What. The. Fuck.
August 11th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
Years ago, I used to read PK’s column and think “Wow. He really knows what he’s talking about.” Now I just read it and go “Man, he’s full of shit.”
Just think BDD, you could have had Brett AND PK as a daily part of your balanced Vikings breakfast every morning if only the Packers hadn’t been such meanies and shipped him to NYC.
What coffee tales would PK have brought back to us? Now I’ll never know.
August 11th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Tune in next week when Peter King actually watches a football game. He thought they played it with just their feet (What did he know? He just read the name). Turns out, Brett Favre isn’t the only player in the NFL. And not even the best player, either.
And Favre will be NYC every weekend draggin Deanna out of a different club, panties in hand, as she decides to “sample” the melting pot that is NYC.
August 11th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Favre is tired. I can tell you that.
He can tell us that?
Does that mean that precious fact was declassified by the CIA? Or does that mean passing along simplistic drivel is about all PK is capable of doing?
Do I know what rhetorical means?
August 11th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
Otto Man…are you channeling Ocho Cinco?
August 11th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
I love the Jacksonville airport. Free wireless (who ever heard of that in a big airport?)
Tell me about it!
I mean, aside from San Diego, Denver, Tampa, Orlando, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, Birmingham, Anchorage, Phoenix, Little Rock, Sacramento, Tallahassee, Kansas City, Las Vegas, Albuquerque, Cincinnati, Oklahoma City, San Antonio, and Milwaukee, free wireless in a big airport is absolutely unheard of!
August 11th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
I clicked on the link you provided because I wanted to make sure that the stuff you show PK writing is shit he actually wrote, as opposed to ridiculous shit that no one with space in a national publication would really write, but the Internets tell me that they can’t get that page. So he actually thinks that recounting a Brett Favre impression of the Slingblade character (one that Favre’s teammates quickly grew to loathe, no doubt) is a real story? Sports Illustrated can’t do better than this? What must the editors think when they read this crap? They probably don’t even bother editing it, they just run a spell check and throw it up on the page.
And “Handle your quarterback with care.” - he must have left “when you’re blowing him” off the end of that sentence.
August 11th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
I’d like to add that King says he flew to Jacksonville from Orlando, which also had free wifi. Apparently, the Great Observer missed out on that.
When they landed, he probably clapped his hands like a dolt and said, “It’s great to be back in Florida!”
August 11th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
Drew, your day must really suck, cause I got this far and stopped reading: “The UFL is scheduled to kick off — and I use “scheduled” because one never knows what can happen with startup leagues — a year from now.”
Really? One never knows? Here’s a guarantee: The UFL will fold. Despite the huge demand for pro football in LA and Hartford, the league, if it ever starts, will fold.
August 11th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Don’t be so hard on him. After that horrible split with the Packers, the media are the only people he can confide in anymore.
August 11th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
My Favre memory story: Two nights after seeing Sling Blade in 1996, he couldn’t stop talking like Billy Bob Thornton.
Dinner and a movie? You’re falling for that old routine, Petey? You should guard your vagina more jealously.
August 11th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
After discovering Panera & Cosi, Peter learns about Five Guys, but is disappointed because it’s not what he originally thought.
August 11th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
The best part is that as I read PK’s article this afternoon, I said to myself, “the gay mafia is going to have an f-ing field day with this one.”
And here we are.
August 11th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
My only complaint: No Biff appearance.
August 11th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
I’m having an absurdly shitty day too.
This helped.
August 11th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
“Jealously guarding your vagina” would be a good name for an indie’s band’s sophmore album. (Perhaps a follow-up to their debut smash “While my penis gently weeps”?)
August 11th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
…there’s a lot of people in the King family disappointed in John Edwards right now.
Years later, in his memoirs, Edwards would refer to this as the “deepest cut of all”.
August 11th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
At least I have KSK to thank for introducting me to the douchebagginess of Peter King. Before your guys I had never heard of this clown. They really publish that shit?
August 11th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
I’ll tell you one thing, Brett Favre will have no trouble eluding the rush this season. I once saw him get behind the yellow line as a subway car was fast approaching. And it wasn’t just with one foot either. He got BOTH feet to safety. I saw it with my own two eyes! We were on the way to this new place called Quiznos. Apparently it’s not a tutoring service!
August 11th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
He went to a PANERA BREAD??!!
Hagen, see to it that the fat boy wakes up next to a severed barista head tomorrow.
August 11th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
“I went to this restaurant called TGI Friday’s the other day … on a Wednesday! I tell you, if you haven’t heard of this place before, you should check it out.”
August 11th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
It’s not Colgate blend, but for a chain, it’s very good.
It’s definitely not like that local mom and pop operation down the street, I think it’s called Starbucks or something.
August 11th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
What’s next with this guy. “There’s a little burger joint down the street. They have something neat for the kids called Happy Meals. I think it really would make kids happy. This place ‘McDonalds’ could really take off, and the coffee’s decent to boot!”
August 11th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
“Kids these days!”
August 11th, 2008 at 5:48 pm
I spent years (in fucking college, no less) convinced that people just sat around Panera eating loaves of bread and chatting. Don’t know if I thought they were wearing berets and striped shirts at the time, but there you go.
But now I’m with Braylon. That place is awesome. Best place for bagel-shittin’.
August 11th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
Its not so much the Capt. Obvious stuff he pulls with football “analysis” that kills me about PK, its the non-football stuff. The Panera thing is just brutal. You mean that Peter King never talked to another human being that ever visited a Panera until Braylon Edwards clued him in that “they serve lunch.” Thanks Peter.
Bob Costas, you look really
smarttall in Tiananmen Square.August 11th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
There’s a Panera in Cleveland???
August 11th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
1. I am very good with accents and impersonations. May I have a highly-paid job as an NFL quarterback, please? Or do I have to go to the movies with Peter King first?
2. Of course Favre is tired. He has Jets lag, for chrissakes. Someone had to say it.
3. There are many people in the Brrrrat family who quite honestly think John Edwards’ dick is none of their business, although we do have great fondness for the Calvinst sermons of Jonathan Edwards and that Shanty song by a completely different (and presumably not Calvinist) Jonathan Edwards. Perhaps if the former Senator spelled his name differently, we’d care more.
/also had one hell of a shitty day
August 11th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
The best part was when PK didn’t provide any information common sense hadn’t already. I just imagine PK walking around with a perpetual “aww shucks golly gee whiz” look on his big stupid face. Gee whiz! Black people actually walk on the sidewalk in this city! Good golly! I haven’t adjusted for daylight saving time since 1966!
August 11th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
How ’bout this “jewel” from MMQB w/ PK:
The big news, I suppose, from my talk with Huyghue was this: He said the chances of a UFL team signing Michael Vick to play the 2009 season are “98 percent.” Strange percentage, but that’s what he said.
PK, Don’t you know that 74.37% of all statistics are made up on the spot??
August 11th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
So its come to this. I want to apologize for being one of those annoying Favre/Packer fans for the past 16 years. This is how fate has punished people like me.
Tony Kornheiser whining about Favre for three hours. I already have a headache. “hey Jaws how could they have traded Faaaaaavre….I mean were talking about Brett Faaaaavre!!!! (insert pistol in mouth)
August 11th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
a real shitty case of the Monday’s huh?
hey drew, can you make this “dismantling” a weekly occurance? i rather enjoyed it!
August 11th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
Cosi? Soon he’ll have to write about… SQUAGELS!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B2QqrvSryQA
August 11th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
I’m surprised as hell and will be surprised if there is no midnight madden post!
August 11th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
I think Suzy Kolber just told Ocho Cinco “you never go full retard.”
August 11th, 2008 at 10:58 pm
Man, those Google ads in the banner are uglier than sin. Still, I suppose they were a better solution than those Canyonero spots you were considering.
But know when to say when. I don’t need to see the Maj in a Viva Viagra ad. No one needs to see that.
August 12th, 2008 at 12:10 am
Otto, speak for yourself. I would LOVE to see any of the Gay Mafia in a Viagra ad.
August 12th, 2008 at 12:14 am
Peter King is channeling Larry King now.
Ate at Panera Bread, hmm, who knew it was more than a bakery.
Boy, that Bret Summers was a treasure we took for granted.
Here’s a stumper, why does Garfield talk and Marmaduke is silent? Somebody didn’t think that one out.
Did you realize that George W. Bush and George H. W. Bush were related? I just thought it was a coincidence
If swallowing means love, then I sure must love ding dongs AND man tapioca.
August 12th, 2008 at 12:50 am
The Red Roof Inn ad showing above this post says, rather appropriately, “Introducing Our All-Inclusive King Room.”
I don’t even want to know what “all-inclusive” means. And yes, it says that wireless internet is included.
August 12th, 2008 at 12:55 am
Anyone else hate the word “coffeenerdness”? Hopefully so.
/pissed because he’s gone from waking up at noon to six in the morning
August 12th, 2008 at 12:56 am
So the Olympics are being held in this country called China. You know that short, strange-looking fellow with the black hair and the funny accent who brings you the food that comes in a tiny box? Those guys are called Chinamen, and there are like a million of them living over there.
August 12th, 2008 at 10:49 am
Yup.
August 12th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Ya know, I’m a girl, and I like sports as much as the next guy; in fact, I’m exhausted from having stayed up too late watching the Olympics - I can’t peel myself from the TV.
But man, this shit about Brett Favre, Publicity Ho AND Retard, is on my every last nerve. He’s an asshole who employs assholes (manager, agent, press agent), spins everything in the sports press from here to Cuba with news of his imminent departure (or defection) (or trade) (or whatever the fuck it is he’s about to do), and then whines about being tired. Who cares whether he’s playing with the Jets, coaching the Cowboys, or flipping burgers? NO ONE! He’s paid way too much to gain my pity. Shut the fuck up and go play ball, Brett.
Note to press: ya’ll can shut the fuck up, too, about Favre. We’re bored out of our skulls with him now. Move on to someone more interesting, like, oh, ANY OF THE GOLD MEDAL WINNERS IN THE OLYMPICS!!
August 13th, 2008 at 2:43 am
Aaron Rodgers is officially my favorite NFL player, not only because he actually seems like a cool guy and not some vicodin-popping pick-tossing publicity-seeking, preening Little Boy, but because he can actually play. Am I the only guy with the NFL Network that saw him make the Dallas Cowboys secondary look like homeless drifters for two quarters? He made the Little Boy look like shit. I know it’s one moment, but have we all forgotten how shitty the Little Boy has been in the past? One good season last year with a shit-sandwich in the championship game. They might have made the Super Bowl with Aaron Rodgers. The only QB older than Favre to make the playoffs was Simms. Also, he purposefully mispronounces his own last name, the braindead redneck French tool that he is. Add to that the constant ass-kissing that comes his way from known blowhards like Madden and you have possibly the biggest douchebag in the history of sports. He’ll love New Jersey.
August 13th, 2008 at 10:31 am
Maybe if Art Monk had been able to quote Jack Nicholson’s character from A Few Good Men, King would have voted him into the HOF.