[Park Slope, Brooklyn. Interior of a news stand]

Okay… need something for a little beach reading. What to get? What to get what to get what to get.

Maxim? Come now, I graduated college. And I want something touting football on the cover.

Men’s Vogue? Eli’s on the cover. Nah, too gay.

Hey, Tom Brady’s on Esquire? Hmmm… not quite gay enough.


Goddammit James Franco is fucking se– I MEAN, 73 THINGS ABOUT FOOTBALL?!?! All right! GRRR, this will be great to read in between sets at the gym!!! Page 292, it says right here! That’s the where the football is!

/flips through magazine

Finally, I’ve made it through all those annoying fashion ads. Why, if the Men’s Wearhouse doesn’t have $2000 dollar dinner jackets, I hardly think I need one. These fat shirtless painted men in cutoff stone-washed denim are much more my style. GRRR TOUCHDOWN!

/puts on reading monocle

Say, what’s this?

Why, I’ve never read such libel! Drew doesn’t run the site! He’s merely responsible for forty percent of the content and all of the popular posts!

“Insightful”? Ha! And “soft-core”? Clearly, sir, you’ve never read our Peter King fan fiction. It doesn’t get any less soft than that.

But the worst slight of all? Leaving our photo shoot on the cutting room floor.

I wore my nicest jeans and everything!