Sexy Friday, Starring the Gay Mafia and Allegations of Soft-Core
[Park Slope, Brooklyn. Interior of a news stand]
Okay… need something for a little beach reading. What to get? What to get what to get what to get.
Maxim? Come now, I graduated college. And I want something touting football on the cover.
Men’s Vogue? Eli’s on the cover. Nah, too gay.
Hey, Tom Brady’s on Esquire? Hmmm… not quite gay enough.
Ah-HA!
Goddammit James Franco is fucking se– I MEAN, 73 THINGS ABOUT FOOTBALL?!?! All right! GRRR, this will be great to read in between sets at the gym!!! Page 292, it says right here! That’s the where the football is!
/flips through magazine
Finally, I’ve made it through all those annoying fashion ads. Why, if the Men’s Wearhouse doesn’t have $2000 dollar dinner jackets, I hardly think I need one. These fat shirtless painted men in cutoff stone-washed denim are much more my style. GRRR TOUCHDOWN!
/puts on reading monocle
Say, what’s this?
Why, I’ve never read such libel! Drew doesn’t run the site! He’s merely responsible for forty percent of the content and all of the popular posts!
“Insightful”? Ha! And “soft-core”? Clearly, sir, you’ve never read our Peter King fan fiction. It doesn’t get any less soft than that.
But the worst slight of all? Leaving our photo shoot on the cutting room floor.
I wore my nicest jeans and everything!
Tags: captain caveman, GQ just likes us cuz we're gay, opportunistic whoring, sexy friday just got disappointing
August 15th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
No popped collar?
August 15th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
I’ve never popped my collar once in my life.
August 15th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
Bet I know how you wore out that hole in your jeans.
August 15th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
we need atleast one good pic for sexy friday
August 15th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Sexy Friday is dead.
Long live Sexy Friday.
August 15th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Playhouse in the Park presents
Matt Ufford
in
The One-Man Picnic
With music by Art Garfunkel
August 15th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
So thats what Ufford looks like. A definite negative sexy quotent. I can has T&A on friday?
August 15th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Punte
heh heh…
August 15th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Mandles? Yikes…
August 15th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
“Let’s see … Coke? Check. Smile? Check.”
August 15th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
Nice mandals. Is that a French pedicure?
August 15th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
Man-flops? Checkmate.
August 15th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Matt only posted that picture because he thinks it makes him look like James Franco.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
Gee, I thought he’d be whiter.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
Where’s the man purse?
August 15th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
As arguably the worst commenter on this site this is great news. A bunch of douchenozzles from GQ should make my drivel sound like…well, good drivel.
Also, I assume that uproxx blood money was used to bribe the GQ editing team.
/clicks link to Wu-yisouce dot com
August 15th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
“Esquire? Nope. Men’s Health? Nah. Hmm, when did GQ start selling mirrors?”
August 15th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Man, if I am going to get fired for looking on Teh Internets at work, it better be for T&A, not auditions for Bravo’s next season of programming.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
“Hey, what’s over there? I hope it’s something to disapprove of.”
August 15th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
Seriously, congrats on the honor.
I’ve heard there are more individual profiles in the works:
* Monday Morning Punte’s fan fiction in Asian Dominatrix Weekly
* “Ufford Rates the Russians: They’re Pussies!”
* an Unsilent Majority centerfold in Playbubby
* Christmas Ape’s obituary: “Warren Sapp Tramples Amateur Paparazzo”
* flubby’s tribute to e.e. cummings in The San Bernadino Journal of Poetry
* “Breadwiches I Have Known,” by Drew Magary, special for Redbook
August 15th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
This is the least Sexy Friday ever.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
Congrats guys – paying off reporters with the ad revenue seems to be working. OUTSTANDING WORK!
And jeans with man-flops? That’s just all kinds of gay.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
You guys are almost as famous as Perez Hilton now. And three times as gay.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Strongly disagree that this post does not meet the minimum requirements for Sexy Friday.
James Franco? Check? Naked, painted fat men? Check. Semi-bold 14-point Arial in “robin’s-egg blue”? CHECK AND CHECK, baby.
Who’s the gringo at the end, though? Never seen him before.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
1 hour and 44 minutes for you guys to get to work and give us our Sexy Friday, please. And where is the line drawn for wearing “mandles”, “man-flops”, etc. Are the $2.50 ones from Old Navy acceptable? With shorts of course. Only the gays wear that shit with pants.
/He didn’t give you gay, did he?
August 15th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
the huffington post method of valuing websites has perez hilton’s site worth $335M.
gay for pay all the way!
August 15th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
Yeah, you guys need more Rick Ankiel and/or Evan Longoria for Sexy Friday.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
Relax. Cheerleader post coming, you big babies.
“Oh no! I can’t find tits on the internet anywhere else!”
August 15th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
football =/= comedy? um… that’s the poorest topic sentence I’ve ever heard.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
what a bunch of gafs
August 15th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
Kissing Suzy Kolber- The site for those who want to rape Matt Light but make love to Judith Light
August 15th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
Man-tits (painted or otherwise) are wholly unacceptable on Sexy Friday.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
if you guys are number 21 than nos. 22-73 must have been some real pieces of crap
good work
August 15th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
I’m still waiting on my ex making a cheerleader post appearance. Does Arena league count?
August 15th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
CC, did you wear thos jeans while fighting in Iraq and I’m guessing you’re wearing flip flops to show off your pedicure.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
God damn that is one sexy cheerleader. I am printing that out so I can caress it.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
“Guzzle cock, fucktasters”
Somehow I wish that line could be said by the losing presidential candidate in his final speech. Then I’d know KSK had reached the levels of Hemingway and Tennyson and Stern (Howard, not Daniel).
August 15th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
You call that gay?
Pussies.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
Notice the Coke bottle strategically positioned to cover up his obviously impressive junk. Modesty is so becoming on you, Captain Caveman.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
Fuck, now you guys are mainstream. It’s gonna be like deadspin around here.
@eddiebear my colar is currently (always popped) but I’m black and from CT, I’m allowed to do everything…including white chicks.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
Oh.. wait.. just saw Ufford. Yep, super gay.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
I have a number of friends in the Marines, and they ALL dress exactly like that in their off time. Was there some secret government operative to invade neo-hippie communes that we were unaware of? My tax dollars were NOT intended for mandles!
August 15th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
I must say I’m surprised by all the hating on male sandals around here. I think they’re cute. Not to mention easier to kick off in the heat of the moment. What’s not to like?
August 15th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
@Wormfather: Did you go to Deerfield or Choate too? That’s not black you’re preppy.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
292 pages? That’s not a magazine that’s a freakin’ book! Does Drew’s new book even have that many pages?
August 15th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
The “heat of the moment” requires the sort of traction mandles can ‘t provide. A man needs purchase.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
If Julia Child could be a spy for OSS, then Matt can be a neo-hippie commune infiltrator. That’s not too much of a stretch right? Anyone? OK, bring on the T&A.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
Velcro up, mandles down
August 15th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Sandals and shorts? Check.
Sandals and pants? Hell to the naw!
August 15th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Dear Mr. Lovell, I believe you have plaguerized me in your comedic pluralizing of the word “internet” as I am the first to ever do this. Unless of course this is simply just another example of your obviously poor grammatical skills (see Monday Morning Punte[sic]). Furthermore, the correct expression is “interwebs,” yes, “interwebs.” Of course I wouldn’t expect a rapscallion publishing chicanery in something called “Gentleman’s Quarterly” to pick up on such subtleties anyhow.
/takes gay-ass mcsweeney’s shit elsewhere
August 15th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Guhh then for fuck’s sake at least spell it right. Man + sandals = M-A-N-D-A-L-S, not “mandles.”
Sorry, boys. Former English teacher and all.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
On an unrelated note – I am making sure I am up at 8am PST to watch the Olympics from now on. Melissa Stark hosts it at that time.
Hmmmmmmmm
August 15th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
Mmm, how’s that sodee pop?
August 15th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
Vanilla, the whole thing is at least another hundred pages. Some fall fashion nonsense took up all the non-football news.
Except for one section where they mentioned No Mas. of course it was the shirts, not the blog. but still.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
The Mandelbrot Set > Nelson Mandela > Mandals
August 15th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
What is Clay Aiken’s CD Cover doing on KSK? Anyone? Hello……………..
/unsure of whether to make dick joke or not based on the gayness of that photo.
August 15th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
I like how the fans tailgating in north Jersey decided to spell out “gat” with their painted chests.
I guess “fuhgeddaboudit” would’ve required too many guys.
August 15th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
I will never hate on sandals. I have like 3 pairs that I wear constantly during summer. I don’t even bother wearing shoes when it gets this hot. Move out of Greenland, sandal hating fuckers.
August 15th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Preach, Naptown. Between May and October I’m almost always wearin’ my flops, with shorts or jeans.
August 15th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
You do kinda look like a member of Greenpeace, but still hot. Very rowr-worthy.
What’s wrong with sandals on dudes? As long as they’re not pink or have some kind of girly heel, they’re perfectly acceptable hetero wear.
Big fat dudes with body paint, however: unacceptable.
August 15th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
@rocco, to be precise, I’m a douchbag, I pop the colar as a warning.
August 15th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Yeah, that isnt cutting it for sexy friday. Fortunately, takeareport (see the link) has outdone themselves this afternoon.
August 15th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
Why is there a picture of David Sedaris here? Does he write for KSK now?
August 15th, 2008 at 5:11 pm
I may be asking a stupid question, but since when have the citizens of Boston been good? In any sense of the word? Sorry guys, I’m English and hence ill-informed on the American stereotypes. I also have horrendous teeth and enjoy crumpets at every meal.
August 15th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
It’s not just the sandals with jeans. A pair of Tevas wouldn’t have been gay. Douchey maybe, but not gay. But those sandals are white. That’s what makes them and CC so gay. What heterosexual male wears white leather sandals? Do they even make those things for men?
August 15th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
What sad is everyone’s picking on the sandals when it’s the shirt being unbuttoned half way down his chest and the jeans with the hole in the knee (which was probably purchased that way, and paid extra for) that make him gay. The white leather sandals are just icing on the cake.
August 15th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
Great, there goes the neighborhood. Look out for the new “fashion-forward” readership, guys and gal.
Hang on to your coulottes!
August 15th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
Jesus cave, hows your faggot? haha
August 15th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
And by “icing on the cake,” you mean “semen on his back,” right?
August 15th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
I was thinking around the mouth claude, but on his back seems to fit too.
August 15th, 2008 at 7:42 pm
Jesus, nice Facebook profile picture CC. Can’t hate on the mandals, but I at least hope you had a coupon for those American Eagle jeans. Oh, and check plus on the Barbara Walters’ soft focus filter.
August 15th, 2008 at 7:46 pm
yes
August 15th, 2008 at 8:52 pm
i think, for we few female commenters, this is as good as sexy friday is gonna get for us.
thanks cc.
August 15th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
Is that Diet Cherry Coke?
August 15th, 2008 at 11:35 pm
CC – my roommate just took a glance at you and said if you come to Seattle, she’ll take you out.
August 16th, 2008 at 11:13 am
Congrats, brahs.
And all of you badmouthing the mandal can have a hearty cup of go fuck yourselves
August 16th, 2008 at 11:36 am
I’m disappointed that Mr. Military wasn’t rocking the camouflaged shorts with those man-tastic sandals.
/agrees with wormfather that the GQ coverage may inundate us with extra doucebaggery around here.
August 16th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
Hey–there’s a typo—isn’t ir supossed to be Cunte?
August 16th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
Couple clarifications:
1. Anyone who calls flip-flops “mandals” has never been to California. It’s acceptable summer footwear. Period.
2. It’s not a Glamour Shot. I cropped my roommate out to spare him the commenters’ wrath.
3. That Coke was used to chase a couple pints of JD before a concert in Central Park.
August 17th, 2008 at 12:48 am
4. Additional tag: Journoporn.
August 17th, 2008 at 12:51 am
I think my sister has those flip flops and ripped jeans
August 17th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
I cropped my roommate out to spare him the commenters’ wrath.
>>roommate<<
Hey, whatever you guys call yourselves these days is okay. “Roommates,” Civil Partners,” po-ta-to, po-tah-to, amirite?
/Just kidding, you sexy bastard. We can throw all the gay jokes at you in the world, but when a group of dudes get catty for hours about another dude’s footwear/clothing selection… I’m pretty sure that’s gay.
August 17th, 2008 at 7:54 pm
are you really wearing a short-sleeved button down shirt? why not just put on a tube top and get it over with?
also, what the hell is that in your shirt pocket? glasses?