Competitor (seed): Patrick Willis (7)

Nickname: The Rolling Ball of Butcher Knives

Height: 6’1″

Weight: 242 lbs.

Reach: That nickname (bestowed upon him by Brad Childress)

Sponsor: Under Armor

Ring Music: Boom

Hometown: Bruceton, Tennessee, the home of literally dozens of other people.

Pedigree: Patrick had the kind of tragic childhood that we’ve seen from countless boxers over the years. The Peterson brothers are a great example of how boxing can help young men learn proper focus and discipline in the wake of tragedy.

Strength(s): Seeking. Destroying.

Weakness: Fudge

Predilection towards violence: Paternal neglect oftentimes results in pent up aggression.

Fighting Style: Willis is a whirling dervish in the ring. He’s going to throw punches, and if you’re too crazy/slow to stay out of his way you’re gonna have a bad day.

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There’s no doing justice to this video, which comes to us via HBO via Deadspin via the video capture wizardry of Awful Announcing. You have to fucking watch it. I’m fucking dying. I wish they hadn’t edited this segment in any way, shape or form. But I’ve taken the liberty of filling in some of the gaps for you.

Jerry: Thank ya, darlin’. Look at that! YEEEEEHAWWWW!!!! THAT IS GOOD, HOT STUFF! ALMOST HOTTER THAN ONE OF MY STEWARDESSES AFTER I’VE DUMPED A WARM DIET PEPSI MAX ALL OVER HER TITS!

Peter King: (stuffing face) Mmmm, yes… so good… helps ease the pain of Brett being so far away…

Jerry: Hey, slow down there, Porkville Eatingcocker! Save a few for the Double-J! Don’t just leave a few unpopped kernels on the bottom of the box. I FUCKING HATE THAT SHIT, YOU FAT JERSEY QUEER!

Peter King: (stuffing face) Can’t stop eating it… gonna write three paragraphs on it and give it an A-… wish it had had juuuust a bit more canola oil… may have to create new “What’s Poppin’?” section in my column…

Jerry: Jesus Christ, you are a disgusting eater. It’s like your mouth is a goddamn compacter. Why don’t you just shove your whole arm down your throat while you’re at it? Look at me, Fatso. I eat three, maybe four kernels at a time. I don’t stuff my mouth like it’s a goddamn UPS box.

Peter King: (stuffing face) Can’t stop eating… wish we could mix some KFC into this bucket… do you have any good scoop for me?… tell me something decent and I’ll never criticize you again…

Jerry: Well, I got this new hat. You like it, fatty?

Peter King: (stuffing face) New hat! (furiously scribbles notes) Great stuff… lemme make a call to my darling Brett and eat more popcorn at the same time… need to tell him how insensitive Jets fans are…

Jerry: Oh, just have it all, Enola Gay. I done lost my appetite. Here’s a Pop Secret for you: YOU ARE ONE BIG GAY ASSHOLE!

Peter King: (stuffing face) Getting bad reception… have to leave to tell Brett about how good the popcorn is…

Jerry: Yeah well, stay slim! Just kidding. YOU HAVE AS MUCH A CHANCE OF STAYING SLIM AS OL’ WADE DOES! NOW GIT OUTTA MY OFFICE, HARVEY MILKSHAKE! YEEHAW WOOHOO I AM FUCKING CRAZY!

…Uncle Rogg just took him to a nice farm upstate. He’s going to be much happier there.

Hey, look! Puppies! Why don’t we take one home with us?

What do you want to call him? Buddy? Wags? Matt Stover? Matt Stover it is!

About once a month, usually after payday, LSUfreek gets tired of being smacked around by a drunken Orson Swindle and runs away for a few days– crashing wherever he can find a spare bed. Well, today LSUfreek is back at KSK and we are glad to have him.

Look freek, next time Orson lays that “Baby, I’m so sorry. Baby, I’m a changed man. I mean it this time” rap on you, tell him you’re gone for good and you won’t see him anymore. Who are we kidding? We would be a fool for him too– if he would have us, sigh…

Peyton: “I keep mine in a crystal case when I go to bed.”

Eli: “I keep mine on my finger, even during practice.”

Archie: “I keep mine in a dark place, and she never sleeps.”

(Peyton & Eli’s cell phones ring…)

Hey there football fans and fantasy owners. It’s your ol’pal, Peyton Manning. I know what you’re thinking: “Hey buddy, I need to know whether you’re 100 percent for the start of the season before I waste a high draft pick on you.” The same question sure is rankling Colts fans right now.

Let me tell you directly: I have no intention of breaking my streak of 160 consecutive regular season starts. I’ll be out there to see the Bears when we open the new stadium on September 7. No two ways about it. This is Pey-Pey you’re talking about. Don’t build ‘em tougher.

Pardon me for a moment.

[Attempts to take a step, a blood-curdling crack comes from his knee]

Aiiiiiiiiiii.

Ooooohhhhh.

Aaaahhhhhh

Heh heh. Just working out the postseason cobwebs. Everybody’s been making a big to-do about this surgery business. That’s nothing. Something like this, it’s just an everyday routine kind of thing. So I missed training camp, practices, preseason. Big whoop. I can watch all the gamefilm I want while my knee is immobilized. I mean, I can play through it. No problem. What do I look like, Tom Brady?

… who, by the way, is a tremendous competitor and I respect him greatly.

Nothing wrong with the knee. They just removed some fluid. I don’t even notice it’s gone, solongasIkeepmyrangeofmotiontolessthan30degrees.

So rest easy, everybody. I just got one more meeting with the doctors to show me one more minute procedure I got to go through before this is all cleared up.

Oh dear God.

Mediocrity reigns! Who can be mediocre-est?

ARIZONA CARDINALS

A Few Fast Facts About the Cardinals

- One of these days, we’ll find out what whether Larry Fitzgerald saved the unicorn’s kingdom or went to Leinart’s house to watch three women have sex with a goat.
- What’s more important: crushing perfectly tanned hot young ass, or becoming a big NFL star? Matt Leinart knows the answer. Say what you will about his extracurriculars, but homeboy’s laughing all the way to the VD clinic.
- Last February’s Super Bowl may have been the greatest ever played, but the week leading up to it was the shittiest Super Bowl week in history. I guaran-fucking-tee it. “Hey, let’s put the stadium, the convention center, and all the nightlife as far away from each other as possible, then host the game the same weekend everyone’s in town for a popular golf tournament.” Fuck you, various Phoenix suburbs. Hey Goodell, forget warm weather and host the Super Bowl in cities with public transportation and bars open past 2:00 a.m.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 8.0 wins

Verdict: Under. The Cardinals have been predicted to be a “sleeper” team ready to make the “leap” for more consecutive years than I can count. At this point, picking them to step up is like betting on Charlie Brown to make a field goal. Anyone who picks them to succeed deserves to get punched in the nuts, if only on principle. Just like that bitch-ass Charlie Brown.

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS

A Few Fast Facts About the 49ers

- The 49ers are the greatest team in NFL history to not inspire a lackluster fan base.
- Assassinated San Francisco city supervisor Harvey Milk was known as the “Mayor of Castro Street.” Niners coach Mike Nolan is known as Der Fuehrer of Sucky Straße.
- Offensive genius Mike Martz brings his magic to the City this year. San Francisco’s population of old lesbians is already swooning.
- The name “49er” comes from the flocks of men that flooded the city in 1849 in search of cock.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 5.5 wins

Verdict: Push? Five wins, six wins, what’s the difference? They’re not going anywhere with Alex Smith’s elf hands holding the football.

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

A Few Fast Facts About the Seahawks

- Quarterback Matt Hasselbeck once presented President Bush with a Seahawks jersey. He can surpass Steve Largent as the most politically conservative Seahawk if he votes National Socialist in the next six elections.
- Deion Branch and Bobby Engram will both miss at least the first month and a half of the season with injuries. D.J. Hackett left via free agency. They’re so shorthanded at wide receiver that they let some white guys try out.
- Lofa Tatupu was busted for DUI during the offseason. While driving a Subaru Hyundai. What a joke. That would be like Ray Lewis killing people with a sponge, or Travis Henry wearing a condom. Do it like an All-Pro or don’t do it at all.
- Shaun Alexander is a class act who plans to stay active in the Seattle community and keep close ties with the organization, even though the team cut him. More importantly, the team cut him.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 9.0 wins

Verdict: Over. I know I’m a homer, but the Seahawks are better than they were last year, and this division still sucks. Barring an injury to Hasselbeck, they’ll get at least one home game in the playoffs. Oh God, I’ve jinxed Hasselbeck! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

ST. LOUIS RAMS

A Few Fast Facts About the Rams

- Second place for the featured Ram picture was this.
- Third place was this.
- Fourth place was Ram-Man driving a Dodge Ram ramming into a ram ramming an ewe in a Ramada parking lot.
- Teri Hatcher has a ten-year-old daughter, which means Chris Long could star in the first-ever second-generation RadioShack ad. And people say Earth’s future doesn’t look bright.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 6.5 wins

Verdict: Over. The Rams got ruined by injuries last year. Bulger and S-Jax return healthy, and Chris Long should help improve last year’s shoddy D.

I’ve previously discussed my crush on Holy Taco. They’re at it again with this pièce de résistance. Sure, this disheveled looking fellow has a few shortcomings, but I’m pretty sure he would be the week one starter for the Chiefs.

In news you already know: Kyle Orton has won out over the Sex Cannon for the Bears starting job. Judging from the above pic, he’s as shocked as you are.

In news you already know but still can only scarcely believe: The Bengals have welcomed back troubled wideout Chris Henry. Apparently Chad Johnson’s shoulder injury is something of a concern and there wasn’t anyone else on the face of the planet who could catch a football other than this fuckup. How much of Dade County will he be showing us?

And, as a quick addendum: Pats fans still annoyingly find tangential reasons to rant about bullshit:

IT HAS been an honor to watch Michael Phelps in these Beijing Olympic Games, despite nearly drowning in the wake of the overwhelming media coverage.

However, I was most touched by the segment on NBC in which Bob Costas hosted a conversation between Phelps and 1972 Olympic swimming sensation Mark Spitz. I was moved by the gracious manner in which Spitz congratulated Phelps on his truly epic feat, going so far as to say that he was honored to be an inspiration to him.

Spitz’s words caused me to reflect on the media coverage of the 2007 Patriots’ quest for perfection, and specifically the remarks from some of the 1972 Dolphins as the Pats approached their remarkable feat.

Hopefully, Don Shula, Mercury Morris, Jim Mandich and others were watching the NBC segment. The next time a team challenges their epic season, they could certainly learn a lot from Spitz about how to carry oneself like a champion.

Congratulations to Michael Phelps, and go Pats!

GIDEON Y. ZELERMYER
Montreal

Yes. A Canadian Pats fan named Gideon. Nothing like the Olympics to bring together douchetaaaaahd Pats fans living under the flags of all different nations. And the only thing perhaps as gay as this ad.

Many have often wondered what would happen when you combined the urban camo-clad fucktards from Baltimore with the the dipshits who bother to vote (some 75k times) in ESPN’s inane Sports Nation polls. Well now we know that the answer is rampant dumbfuckery of the highest order.

The WWL recently asked fans to vote for the greatest player in their franchise’s history, and this is what the results look like for the Ravens…

Yeah, the fucking kicker. Those Natty Boh swilling, scrotum sniffing assholes picked some lily white piece of shit as their most accomplished football player because he was able to provide points when Trent Dilfer couldn’t get the ball inside the twenty.

Now Stover was pretty damn good for a little Greek kicker, but even Stefan Fatsis has to be blown away by the overwhelming retardation of this poll result (I’d ask him, but he’s busy standing next to his book display at Kramer’s while trying to look nonchalant desperately waiting to say “Why yes, I am Stefan Fatsis!”).

Don’t you assholes realize that Jonathan Ogden is quite possibly the second best tackle (Munoz) in the history of football? Have you already forgotten that he was the first player your sorry relocated franchise ever drafted en route to 11 consecutive Pro Bowls?

So please explain to me how this man can only garner 4.4% of your vote while a fucking kicker racked up better than half of the total. Unless of course you’re just ruling out Ogden because he’s a brother from DC. Because I think everyone expects a bit more from the city of Baltimore.

What’s that? They don’t? Yeah, probably not.

Wade: Stupid Jerry Jones. Tired of him bein’ such a big jerk. Why, if I had a mind, I’d slap that no-good snake right good! Gosh darn right I would!

Tired of bein’ disrespected around here. I am one of the finest defensive coordinators in all of football, but people forget that when I’m the head man! Shoot, so I ain’t so hot in front of a camera. So what? Most people aren’t. My job is teach football and get these men prepared, and darn it if I’m not pretty good at it.

So bring it on, Double-J. I’m not afraid of you anymore. I’m tired of tryin’ to please someone who’s hopin’ to never be pleased. So you just walk on through that door, and you…

(door flies open)

Jerry: YAAAAAAAAY-HAW!!!! SWEET JESUS HIPPITY HOPPITY DING DONG FLIP FLOPPITY BANG YOU FROM THE TOPPITY OF MY POPPITY!!!

Wade: What do you want?

Jerry: Hoo boy, who’s feeling chipper this morning?! Listen fatty, I want to talk to you.

Wade: (sighs) What is it? What horrible thing am I supposed to subject myself to now?

Jerry: Easy, Tubby. I’ve been thinkin’. And I think I’ve done you wrong.

Wade: Heard that before.

Jerry: No, I mean it. AND WHEN THE DOUBLE-J GIVES YOU HIS WORD, IT IS FUCKING MAHOGANY! I’ve done you wrong, Wade Phillips. You’re a good man. Hell, better man than I ever was. I respect who you are as man. Frankly, I probably resent ya for it as well. I’m sorry I undermined you. I’m sorry I brought that Princeton faggot in to undermine you. I’m sorry about all the times I fired you. I’m sorry I branded you. And raped you. Hell, I’m sorry I set up that surveillance camera in your daughter’s bedroom.

Wade: You set up a…

Jerry: BUT THAT’S ALL WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE NOW! I’ve realized that, by undermining you, I haven’t given you a fair shake. You deserve to coach this team without me gummin’ you up at every turn. And I think you’ve worked damn hard for these Dallas Cowboys. So I think you’ve earned yourself a day off. Forrest Lump.

Wade: A what?

Jerry: A day off. Go on. GIT. I arranged a nice pontoon boat ride for you and your family. No joke. Just go on now, and enjoy.

Wade: But there’s still so much to do. We’re still in season preparations, and, well, I’m not sure we’ve got much time for a dilly-dallyin’…

Jerry: LISTEN LARDASS, I GAVE YOU THE DAY OFF. NOW YOU TAKE THAT GODDAMN DAY OFF BEFORE I CHANGE MY MIND!

Wade: Yes sir. Yes, sir I’ll do that right quick. And thank you. Thank you kindly.

Jerry: GIT!

Wade: I just… I just can’t but think something ain’t…

Jerry: Will you just roll your fat ass out the door?

Wade: Right.

(Wade leaves.)

Jerry: Is he gone? I think he’s gone. All right, bring the camera crew in.

Frankie: Sir?

Jerry: Frankie, I need you to spray some Oust in this office. I think Minister Fudge out there had hisself another breakfast burrito. Smells like red pepper farts. NOW GIT VAN PATTEN IN HERE!

Frankie: You got it, Mr. J.

(door flies open)

Dick Van Patten: Hi, everyone!

Jerry: Move it, Van Patten. I GOTTA PAY YOUR ASS SCALE, SO TIME IS MONEY!

Dick Van Patten: Yes, sir.

Jerry: All right, Van Patten, here’s the deal. Ever since HBO started putting Mount Chocula out there on camera, ratings have plummeted. No one wants to hear some fat man say stupid fat man things. So I need you to give Assafrass’s role there some SIZZLE! He’s comin’ off like some big fat Broward County FAGGOT! I need you to sell this role. Now, there are FIVE things I learned about bein’ a salesman. The first rule is… GIT YOUR HANDS ON ALL THE SWEET ARKINSAW ASS YOU CAN FIND! And I don’t remember the goddamn rest.

Dick Van Patten: Yes, sir.

Jerry: The important thing here is to make me LOOK GOOD! Ol’ Walter Titty out there just made us all look stupid! So when someone asks you something, you just turn to me and make sure you look like you need my sage advice. GOT ME RECKONED, YOU OLD BAG?!

Dick Van Patten: Yes, sir.

Jerry: Then roll those cameras! And get Adam in here!

(door flies open)

Pacman: Yo yo. I gon be easin’ into dat skeezin’. Slap that azz on the griddle and flip it. Pacman down wid it.

Jerry: Adam, I have heard that you fell asleep in a meeting the other day. And then you poked one of our secretaries in the eye with your erection when you asked her to pick something up for you. THAT IS NOT THE COWBOY WAY! We are here to set an example for the communitay, and all the sweet, delicious, snappin’ pussy it entails. That’s why I’ve cuttin’ yer curfew back to 4:30AM instead of the usual 5AM. (whispers) Agree with me, tubby.

Dick Van Patten: That is a very bold, leaderful type of move, sir.

Jerry: YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT IT IS! Now, let’s get our offensive coordinator emeritus in here to go over our game plan.

(door flies open)

Switzer: (blind drunk) Heeeeeey. Let me tell you folks somethin’. I can’t coach worth a goddamn. BUT PLAYERS ALWAYS PLAY FOR BARRY SWITZER, AND DIDN’T NOBODY SAY THAT SHIT ABOUT OL’ WOODY “FUCKBARN” HAYES!

Jerry: Drunken Barry Switzer, you have had too much to drink, yet again. I keep tellin’ ya: you drink that much Oxy Clean, somethin’s gonna get dirty! Right, flabcunt?

Dick Van Patten: Another trademark example of your daring captainship, sir.

Switzer: Jerray! Jerray Jones! Damn good to see you, ol’ boy! Say, you remimber win… you remimber win we put on those white hoods and went trick or treatin’ through the black neighborhood? BOY, WE RAISED SOME HELL THAT NIGHT!

Jerry: Goddamn right we did!

(door flies open)

Garrett: Hmm. Yes. Indeed. It seems eight servings is MORE than enough for that mobile gastropub of a man.

Dick Van Patten: What’s he mean?

Jerry: Just shut your oldhole, you fossil.

Garrett: Mr. Jones, it behooves me, against the besmirching of your fine reputation, to express my, shall we say.. misgivings… over our quarterback’s dalliances with a certain young country ingénue. Despite her more… pneumatic qualities, I worry about her leading our young signal-caller astray.

Jerry: Oh, that’s you’re one weakness, Princeton Boy. Too much music appreciation and not enough pussy appreciation! That girl has sent my boy ROMO’s Q rating up 30 points. And you know what that means?

Garrett: He’s a gadfly?

Jerry: HE’S A GODDAMN STAR! LOOK AT THESE TITTIES.

AIN’T NO BAD EVER COME FROM TITTIES LIKE THAT! AIN’T NOTHIN’ HARD ABOUT THOSE KNOCKERS!

Dick Van Patten: Well chosen words, sir.

Jerry: Good work, Van Patten. You may prove a good replacement for ol’ gutdragger out there. YEEHAW!

(door flies open)

Wade: What’s goin on here? Why’s everyone in my office? YOU’RE ALL IN CAHOOTS!

Jerry: Uh oh, FATTY ON THE SET!

Wade: I knew this was all too good to be true, Jerry Jones. Why, you ain’t nothin’ more than a no good weasel! And I’mma fix you right!

Jerry: Gotta catch me first, hamcakes! Strike the set! Everybody run! THE ORIGINAL HONEY DRIPPER IS ON THE LOOSE!

Wade: I’ll git you, Jerry Jones.

Jerry: Not as long as I got two legs, FAT HOUSTON!! I TELL YA, THIS MAKES FOR SOME DAMN FINE TEEVEE!!!!!!! YEEEEEHAWWWWW!!! WOOOO HOOOOOOO I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!