Well well well, here we ahhhh poised far anathah fackin’ awtumn of Sawx and Pats dawminance. You fackin’ faggots in New Yark ah about to get yar fackin’ comeuppance! I can’t fackin’ wait to…

What’s this?

“Jawn Lynch Visits With Pats.”

Oh my gawd!

Oh my fackin’ GAWD!

(runs and buys 75 John Lynch jerseys)

HAS THEY-AH EVAH BEEN A TRUAH FACKIN’ PATRIOT THAN JAWN FACKIN’ LYNCH?!

They-ah is just fackin’ something about that guy. He’s gawt ow-uh fackin wark ethic! He’s a blue cawllah guy, just like me and my buddy Fitzy from Maaaaarbulhead! Sure, he’s been a Buc and Brawnco his whole career. But I’ve always felt in my haaaaht the fackin’ Pats ahhh the team he’s belawnged on. In fact, you Tampa and Denvah fans didn’t deserve him! You didn’t appreciate him the way that we will! You took ow-uh beloved Jown Lynch far granted!

SO FACK YOU! HE’S PAHHHT OF BAWSTON SPARTS FOLKLAHHH NOW!

I’m gonna name my fackin’ next illegitimate kid Jawn Lynchpatrick Varitek Welkah O’Leary! No joke! No mar third trimester abartions for my garlfriend! This time, I feel like I have a reason to keep that fetus around!

Come to fackin’ Beantown, Jawn Lynch. You’ve always belawnged hee-yah! The fans in those othah bullshit towns ahh nawt true fans! They don’t appreciate yar scrappy, gritty, lunchpail, no-nonsense, rugged, non-dahkie attitude. BUT WE SURE AS FACK WILL!

COME BE THE NEW ENGLAND HERO YOU WERE-AH ALWAYS MEANT TO BE!