OMIGAWD! I’ve Always Felt Like Jawn Fackin’ Lynch Was A True Pay-tree-ut!
Well well well, here we ahhhh poised far anathah fackin’ awtumn of Sawx and Pats dawminance. You fackin’ faggots in New Yark ah about to get yar fackin’ comeuppance! I can’t fackin’ wait to…
What’s this?
“Jawn Lynch Visits With Pats.”
Oh my gawd!
Oh my fackin’ GAWD!
(runs and buys 75 John Lynch jerseys)
HAS THEY-AH EVAH BEEN A TRUAH FACKIN’ PATRIOT THAN JAWN FACKIN’ LYNCH?!
They-ah is just fackin’ something about that guy. He’s gawt ow-uh fackin wark ethic! He’s a blue cawllah guy, just like me and my buddy Fitzy from Maaaaarbulhead! Sure, he’s been a Buc and Brawnco his whole career. But I’ve always felt in my haaaaht the fackin’ Pats ahhh the team he’s belawnged on. In fact, you Tampa and Denvah fans didn’t deserve him! You didn’t appreciate him the way that we will! You took ow-uh beloved Jown Lynch far granted!
SO FACK YOU! HE’S PAHHHT OF BAWSTON SPARTS FOLKLAHHH NOW!
I’m gonna name my fackin’ next illegitimate kid Jawn Lynchpatrick Varitek Welkah O’Leary! No joke! No mar third trimester abartions for my garlfriend! This time, I feel like I have a reason to keep that fetus around!
Come to fackin’ Beantown, Jawn Lynch. You’ve always belawnged hee-yah! The fans in those othah bullshit towns ahh nawt true fans! They don’t appreciate yar scrappy, gritty, lunchpail, no-nonsense, rugged, non-dahkie attitude. BUT WE SURE AS FACK WILL!
COME BE THE NEW ENGLAND HERO YOU WERE-AH ALWAYS MEANT TO BE!
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, inevitable developments, Tommy from Quinzee
![[badge]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/themes/default/images/100121_FOXmsnBadge_200x50.gif)
August 14th, 2008 at 10:13 am
Tommy must have been very confused when a black guy named Troy O’Leary played for the Sox.
August 14th, 2008 at 10:14 am
typo: Jawn Lynch
correction: Jawnie fack’n Lynch
There.
August 14th, 2008 at 10:15 am
Now that we know Tawmy’s last name we can google him.
I’ll bet 100 bucks someone in Boston is named Tom O’Leary.
…and is a jackass
August 14th, 2008 at 10:17 am
That might be the easiest bet ever made.
August 14th, 2008 at 10:25 am
Uh Oh. I hope the uproxx network has good lawyers
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0641636/
August 14th, 2008 at 10:25 am
Better bet: Who draws more personal fouls this season
Lynch -140
Harrison -Even (Because hes black, you know)
August 14th, 2008 at 10:27 am
Well here’s three…
http://www.linkedin.com/pub/dir/Tom/O‘Leary?trk=ppro_find_others
I assume the check is in the mail Maj
August 14th, 2008 at 10:29 am
Marblehead is one of the richest towns in the country. No way Tommee knows anyone from there.
August 14th, 2008 at 10:31 am
so will his official fan club be the ‘Lynch Mob’?
/bad idea
August 14th, 2008 at 10:36 am
Given the racial tension in Bawston, I think the “Lynch Mawb” is entirely appropriate.
August 14th, 2008 at 10:37 am
You Pats may get Lynch, but you’ll never get ALSTAAAHHT
/Bucs fans like white people too
August 14th, 2008 at 10:40 am
Plot Keywords for Tom O’Leary:
Independent Film
Lesbian
Drug Ring
Dysfunctional Marriage
Female Frontal Nudity
Pub
Rape Scene
Whipping
August 14th, 2008 at 10:41 am
Marblehead is one of the richest towns in the country.
Yes, that’s the joke.
August 14th, 2008 at 10:51 am
BDD, I gotta say, your Bawstinese is getting smoother and smoother. Soon you and Simmons will be indistiguishable.
/runs to the hills
//runs for my life
August 14th, 2008 at 10:58 am
Simmons is probably like Leo in the departed when he just dropped his R’s when he was in the right company as a kid.
/resists urge to make a “Simmons is awn ‘is peeeeriod” joke
August 14th, 2008 at 10:59 am
I was shocked that it took this long.
/slits own throat
August 14th, 2008 at 11:01 am
I can actually hear the tremor in Tommy’s voice as he’s fighting back a tear of joy when he’s says “BUT WE SURE AS FACK WILL!”
August 14th, 2008 at 11:14 am
Mahbulhead? Whatevah…at least he’s naht from Raaaahckpoat (moah like CAHCKPOAT!)
August 14th, 2008 at 11:17 am
al davis is not impressed
http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/trainingcamp08/news/story?id=3530153
August 14th, 2008 at 11:21 am
Wow, I didn’t see this one coming.
August 14th, 2008 at 11:36 am
When I heard about this in the car this morning I did a fist pump. I also drafter Wes Welker with my 4th fantasy pick last night. Am I racist?
Also Tawmmy’s bostonese needs more dudes and brotha’s in it. like, “Brotha, we ah unstawpable with Fawkin White Wes Welkah and Jawnny Lynch dude.”
August 14th, 2008 at 11:38 am
@Chazz, racist no. But crazy, yes, for having your fantasy football draft 3 weeks before the season starts.
August 14th, 2008 at 11:43 am
off topic, but will Punter be setting up multiple survival football groups over at yahoo this year?
August 14th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
So just in case the Pats’ current starting veteran S who can’t cover is out for whatever reason (*cough* HGH *cough*), they have a backup veteran S who also can’t cover.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
But, Chazz…was that a guido fist pump?
August 14th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
@TurleyGirlie, guido fist pumps are only allowed in New Jersey and select parts of Staten Island
August 14th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
No mar third trimester abartions for my garlfriend!
Tawmmy, you’re such the ladies man dude.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
I assume “Third trimester abortion” for Tommy means kicking her down a flight of stairs.
August 14th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
The bawstanese needs at least one wicked
August 14th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
TOTALLY WICKED BROTHA!
August 14th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
i wonder if Tommy celebrated this news by opening up a new tin of Kodiak
August 14th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
…or popping open a Sam Adams. Cause premium beers aren’t twist offs.
August 14th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
According to CNN: Crane collapses in Quincy, Massachusetts.
Thoughts and Prayers to Tommy and his High School Friends down at the site.
August 14th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
I die laughing every time I read a story with Tommy in it. Seriously, I would read an entire fake autobiography of Tommy’s life.
August 14th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
I think that “autobiography” is Good Will Hunting.
August 14th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
I’m gonna name my fackin’ next illegitimate kid Jawn Lynchpatrick Varitek Welkah O’Leary! No joke! No mar third trimester abartions for my garlfriend!
Bravo, Drew. I think that’s the most vicious stereotype I’ve ever read.
That’s a compliment, btw.
August 14th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
Whoever writes this site is a douchebag. A fackin’ homo and a d-bag
August 14th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
@Wicked Pissa
They have internet in Quincy?
August 14th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
Too late to change fantasy team name to Jawn Lynch a Dakhie?
August 14th, 2008 at 7:13 pm
The use of “Lynchpatrick” may be the most horrible/hilarious thing I’ve ever read. I hope there’s somebody in the Mass. State house who reads this site regularly.
August 14th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
I heaah Tawmmy is lawbbyin Pat’s management to pick up RB Brian Leonaahhd from the Rams. He’d be fackin wicked awesome as a third down back & ya kin prawbably grab a frappe with him afta the game. He’s the kinda guy who’d live in Woosta & drive in ta fawxburah.
August 16th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
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