Ocho and Marvin: Under One Roof! The Water Episode
In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Johnson into his home, in a spirited attempt to get both men to understand one another better.
Marvin: Okay Chad, here’s your room.
Ocho: Got it, got it. Thanks, coach.
Marvin: Bathroom’s down the hall. The kids are in bed around nine or so, so try and keep noise to a minimum after that.
Ocho: I hear ya. No problem at all. Listen, coach, I have to wash my hands. Is there a bathroom I can use?
Marvin: Oh yeah, almost forgot: my contractor is here today to replace some of our piping. The water in the house was shut off for the morning. Here.
Marvin: Just use this to wash your hands.
Ocho: That? No, no, no. I can’t use that. That’s drankin’ water. I can’t use that.
Marvin: What are you talking about? It’s water. It’s the same. You can drink it, bathe with it, water plants with it, whatever.
Ocho: No, it’s not. This water is specifically for DRANKIN’. I can’t use drankin’ water on my hands. It’s dangerous. I need sink water.
Marvin: But… you CAN use it. It’s not dangerous at all. They’re both just water.
Ocho: No, there are different kinds of water.
Marvin: No, there aren’t. All water is the same.
Ocho: No, it isn’t.
Marvin: Yes, it is.
Ocho: No, it isn’t.
Marvin: Yes, it is.
Ocho: Then how come they tell you not to drank the water that’s in the ocean?
Marvin: That’s seawater. It has salt in it.
Ocho: EXACTLY. That’s a different kind of water. Like drankin’ water.
Marvin: No, no. That isn’t how it works. All water is THE SAME, Chad. It’s the same base molecule, H2O. Two parts hydrogen, one part oxygen.
Ocho: The fuck you talking about? There’s no oxygen in water. That’s the air.
Marvin: No, you don’t understand. At the molecular level, all water is the same: H2O.
Ocho: Like “Halloween: H2O”?
Marvin: NO! Listen to me. Water is all the same, but then other things can be dissolved into it, like minerals, or flavorings, or salt…
Ocho: Why would I add salt to water if it makes it taste so bad?
Marvin: You wouldn’t. That just happens naturally in the oceans.
Ocho: Then, if it naturally has salt in it, then it’s NATURALLY a different kind of water, just like Vitamin Water…
Marvin: Again, that’s not water. That’s a sweetened beverage.
Ocho: Or Fire Water…
Marvin: That’s a liqueur.
Ocho: Or Waterworld…
Marvin: That’s a motion picture starring Kevin Costner and Jeanne Tripplehorn. None of those things are water. Not Waterworld, or Vitamin Water…
Ocho: Then why does it say WATER on the goddamn bottle?
Marvin: Because that’s a brand name. Just because you CALL something water doesn’t make it water.
Ocho: What about Brian Waters? He seems very watery. Always dripping.
Marvin: No, no. Brian Waters is an offensive lineman. Not a kind of water. Water is an INGREDIENT in Vitamin Water, and even in people, but that doesn’t make either one ALL water. They have other stuff in them.
Ocho: Okay then, let me ask you this: Would you wash your hands with Vitamin Water?
Marvin: No, you can’t wash your hands with Vitamin Water.
Ocho: See? I rest my case. THAT is why I can’t use the drankin’ water for my hands.
Marvin: HOLY SHIT. ARE YOU THE DENSEST PERSON ON THE FACE OF THE FUCKING EARTH?! FRESH, CLEAR FUCKING WATER IS SAFE TO DRINK AND TO WASH YOUR FUCKING HANDS WITH. WHAT FUCKING BYZANTINE LABYRINTH OF BREATHTAKINGLY FUCKHEADED LOGIC CAUSED YOU TO DEDUCE THAT YOU CAN’T WASH YOUR HANDS WITH A GODDAMN SPLASH OF AQUAFINA, YOU DROOLING FUCKING MORON?
Ocho: Hmm… I’m still not convinced about this, man. I think I should probably call Ray Lewis. He can settle this.
Marvin: No, no. You want proper sink water? FINE. I’ll go over to the neighbors and get some for you. I’ll back down on this juuust for you. Okay? That’s the kind of effort I’m gonna try and make, so we can co-exist, EVEN THOUGH YOU LACK THE BASIC, RUDIMENTARY FUCKING UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT COMPRISES WATER AND WHAT DOES NOT.
(leaves, comes back with bowl full of water)
Here. Here’s some sink water.
Ocho: That’s not sink water. That’s in a bowl. That’s dog water. I can’t wash my hands in dog water.
Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, ocho and marvin, odd arguments, the black Karl Pilkington, things to talk about while stoned, water dissertations
August 28th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Very nice, Ray could explain that the differences in water are similar to the difference in prison stabbingvs. gang-related-backyard stabbing.
August 28th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
BYZANTINE LABYRINTH OF BREATHTAKINGLY FUCKHEADED LOGIC
Super
August 28th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Suddenly, I’m no longer thirsty.
August 28th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
tj would love that drinking water.
ok, bye.
August 28th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
Black Karl Pilkington? From County Dade? Could he eat alligator knob at night?
August 28th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Well written babble about absolutely nothing. Proud?
August 28th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Well written babble about absolutely nothing. Proud?
Yes, now go get fucked.
August 28th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
Third base!
August 28th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
“water, water everywhere , nor any drop to drink” or in this case to wash hands with
/Rime of the Ancient Mariner’d
//the Iron Maiden song, not the poem
August 28th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
that was brilliant.
August 28th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
I can’t believe that is as funny as it is. I actually laughed out loud. If anyone else wrote something based on that concept it would suck.
/decides to himself if that comment is a compliment.
//dick joke
August 28th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
BYZANTINE LABYRINTH OF BREATHTAKINGLY FUCKHEADED LOGIC
Funny, this kidna of stuff happens in my head every time Chad talks.
August 28th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
And when Fred Smoot takes the boys out on a boat, they are cruising on lesbian watching, blow-job receivin’, hooker abusin’, gang bangin’ water. I bet Chad would have understood that concept.
August 28th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
If Chad is really this dumb… well, I got nothing for that, it’s just mind boggling that someone is this dumb. Makes me feel dumber.
/stupid now
August 28th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
Bravo, sir.
August 28th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
At what point does Mike Brown undermine Lewis and re-pipe the house so that all the water ends up in Chad’s room?
August 28th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
/dumps Aquafina into sink
//solves problem: “Here’s your motherfuckin’ sink water!”
///stabs ocho cinco to death with a jagged Lego toy
August 28th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
i almost feel bad for marvin lewis. almost.
August 28th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Odds on Marvin Lewis stabbing Ocho Cinco while going “IT’S FUCKING WATER GODDAMMIT!”: 10:1
Odds on TJ Houshmanzadeh moving in next: 25:1
August 28th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Chris Henry walks in…
Chris Henry: Chad, why must you argue with Coach Lewis? He’s here to be made a clown out of not reasoned with. You didn’t get the Brown’s intra-office memo? That’s the only rule those Brown fools have. Fuck this, I think I see some underage girls down the street who could use some Blue Raspberry MD.
August 28th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Can Chris Henry move in next?
August 28th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
as funny as this probably was, im still laughing about discussing diarrhea with one of my labmates as im reading it
August 28th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
Swearing makes everything funnier.
August 28th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Chad didn’t even bring up his swimmin’ water where he and his boys swim faster than Phelps.
August 28th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Hmmm, that is about the wellest written babble about absolutely nothing I’ve ever readed.
August 28th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
BRAVO! I was riveted all the way to the very end.
August 28th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
All this talk about water and now I have to take a piss.
Thanks a fuckin’ lot.
But I have to agree with 85, that water is for drank only!
August 28th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
I give this bonus points for a Jeanne Tripplehorn reference and the brilliantly circular logic.
“You wouldn’t wash your hands in vitamin water would you?”
“Fuck no. Its got 125 calories per bottle.”
Huh?
August 28th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
yes, i guffawed at the last two lines. i could feel and epathize with the frustration. totally loved it.
August 28th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
Believe it or not, I’ve heard actual conversations way dumber than this. And not nearly as funny.
August 28th, 2008 at 9:11 pm
Water? You mean like in the toilet?
/realizing that hardly anybody’s seen Idiocracy, which is a damn shame
August 28th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
Ocho and Marvin are the new Wade and Jerry.
August 28th, 2008 at 9:34 pm
That literally made me laugh til I cried
August 28th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
I know what you mean Matty. and, on a related side note, i would watch ‘ow! my balls!’ all day, and i don’t feel like that means i’m stupid. I just appreciate a quality impact-caused groin injury.
August 28th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
@bfreakin3:
Yoko Ono actually made a film called “Bottoms” in the mid-60’s, which was extremely similar to “Ass”. But I’m sure Mike Judge knew that. And apparently Brawndo is an actual energy drink now, but I haven’t seen it anywhere yet.
August 28th, 2008 at 10:51 pm
That was pretty damned funny! “That’s dog water.”
August 29th, 2008 at 12:43 am
First time reader, fuckin’ love the blog… everything about it gives me a boner.
August 29th, 2008 at 8:07 am
Too long to be real. Given that Ocho speaking sucks the intelligence out of the room Marvin would have been reduced to a drooling pile on the floor. Somewhere around “There’s no oxygen in water. That’s the air.” I feel dumber just for having red it.
August 29th, 2008 at 10:43 am
Upon further review, I think Ben Rongrastname and Ocho would get along…
Ben: I LIKE WATER.
Ocho: Yeah.
Ben: I DON’T WASH MY HANDS WITH WATER FROM BOTTLES EITHER.
Ocho: Me either, Ben, me either.
Ben: YOU ARE FRIEND.
August 29th, 2008 at 11:07 am
eastend Says:
August 29th, 2008 at 8:07 am edit
Too long to be real.
That’s because it isn’t, you fucking moron.
August 29th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Drew only responds to people who criticize his writing.
I’ll do it for you, Drew! Fuck off assholes!
August 30th, 2008 at 10:11 am
BDD- KSK stories aren’t real? Next you’ll be telling me the tits on the Friday cheerleaders aren’t.
Darren- I wasn’t knocking it. I was laughing out loud through the whole thing.
/not the first or probably the last time I’ve been called that.
August 30th, 2008 at 11:35 am
Can’t breathe, laughing too hard. 2 days off from work puts me behind in my KSK reading.