In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Johnson into his home, in a spirited attempt to get both men to understand one another better.
Marvin: Okay Chad, here’s your room.
Ocho: Got it, got it. Thanks, coach.
Marvin: Bathroom’s down the hall. The kids are in bed around nine or so, so try and keep noise to a minimum after that.
Ocho: I hear ya. No problem at all. Listen, coach, I have to wash my hands. Is there a bathroom I can use?
Marvin: Oh yeah, almost forgot: my contractor is here today to replace some of our piping. The water in the house was shut off for the morning. Here.
Marvin: Just use this to wash your hands.
Ocho: That? No, no, no. I can’t use that. That’s drankin’ water. I can’t use that.
Marvin: What are you talking about? It’s water. It’s the same. You can drink it, bathe with it, water plants with it, whatever.
Ocho: No, it’s not. This water is specifically for DRANKIN’. I can’t use drankin’ water on my hands. It’s dangerous. I need sink water.
Marvin: But… you CAN use it. It’s not dangerous at all. They’re both just water.
Ocho: No, there are different kinds of water.
Marvin: No, there aren’t. All water is the same.
Ocho: No, it isn’t.
Marvin: Yes, it is.
Ocho: No, it isn’t.
Marvin: Yes, it is.
Ocho: Then how come they tell you not to drank the water that’s in the ocean?
Marvin: That’s seawater. It has salt in it.
Ocho: EXACTLY. That’s a different kind of water. Like drankin’ water.
Marvin: No, no. That isn’t how it works. All water is THE SAME, Chad. It’s the same base molecule, H2O. Two parts hydrogen, one part oxygen.
Ocho: The fuck you talking about? There’s no oxygen in water. That’s the air.
Marvin: No, you don’t understand. At the molecular level, all water is the same: H2O.
Ocho: Like “Halloween: H2O”?
Marvin: NO! Listen to me. Water is all the same, but then other things can be dissolved into it, like minerals, or flavorings, or salt…
Ocho: Why would I add salt to water if it makes it taste so bad?
Marvin: You wouldn’t. That just happens naturally in the oceans.
Ocho: Then, if it naturally has salt in it, then it’s NATURALLY a different kind of water, just like Vitamin Water…
Marvin: Again, that’s not water. That’s a sweetened beverage.
Ocho: Or Fire Water…
Marvin: That’s a liqueur.
Ocho: Or Waterworld…
Marvin: That’s a motion picture starring Kevin Costner and Jeanne Tripplehorn. None of those things are water. Not Waterworld, or Vitamin Water…
Ocho: Then why does it say WATER on the goddamn bottle?
Marvin: Because that’s a brand name. Just because you CALL something water doesn’t make it water.
Ocho: What about Brian Waters? He seems very watery. Always dripping.
Marvin: No, no. Brian Waters is an offensive lineman. Not a kind of water. Water is an INGREDIENT in Vitamin Water, and even in people, but that doesn’t make either one ALL water. They have other stuff in them.
Ocho: Okay then, let me ask you this: Would you wash your hands with Vitamin Water?
Marvin: No, you can’t wash your hands with Vitamin Water.
Ocho: See? I rest my case. THAT is why I can’t use the drankin’ water for my hands.
Marvin: HOLY SHIT. ARE YOU THE DENSEST PERSON ON THE FACE OF THE FUCKING EARTH?! FRESH, CLEAR FUCKING WATER IS SAFE TO DRINK AND TO WASH YOUR FUCKING HANDS WITH. WHAT FUCKING BYZANTINE LABYRINTH OF BREATHTAKINGLY FUCKHEADED LOGIC CAUSED YOU TO DEDUCE THAT YOU CAN’T WASH YOUR HANDS WITH A GODDAMN SPLASH OF AQUAFINA, YOU DROOLING FUCKING MORON?
Ocho: Hmm… I’m still not convinced about this, man. I think I should probably call Ray Lewis. He can settle this.
Marvin: No, no. You want proper sink water? FINE. I’ll go over to the neighbors and get some for you. I’ll back down on this juuust for you. Okay? That’s the kind of effort I’m gonna try and make, so we can co-exist, EVEN THOUGH YOU LACK THE BASIC, RUDIMENTARY FUCKING UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT COMPRISES WATER AND WHAT DOES NOT.
(leaves, comes back with bowl full of water)
Here. Here’s some sink water.
Ocho: That’s not sink water. That’s in a bowl. That’s dog water. I can’t wash my hands in dog water.
Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.