More Down Home Wisdom From Terry Bradshaw
Once in a while, FOX’s Terry Bradshaw stops by our fair site to dispense his much-loved brand of folksy advice. Take it away, Terry.
You know, I’ve traveled all across this country, far and near. I’ve met lots of people, and hit my head on lots of things! And I’ve learned a whole lot meeting people out on the road, and wandering into their homes when I’m off my medication. For instance…
You know, my daddy always said that if the flag is up on your mailbox, that means storm’s a comin’!
Where I come from, it ain’t the size of the varmint, it’s how you season it!
You can always tell a bar is good if you can find a tooth on the ground!
Always keep your car lights on. That way, you can always find it!
You can always tell a quarterback’s thrown the ball if it’s in the air!
Ain’t nobody on earth funnier than Jim Varney.
Never, EVER try and swallow a bag of darts. And, if you DO, don’t call poison control. Apparently, darts don’t count as poison. Ain’t that somethin’?
The best way to catch a snake is if you wait till he’s dead!
Styrofoam is NOT for buildin’ houses. Boy, I learned that the hard way!
If you’re car engine is a-rattlin’, that means the cat done got in it again!
If you ever go to Colorado, you should know that you need boots to put on skis. They don’t tell you in advance! How ‘bout that?
My daddy always said you should NEVER look a woman in the eye when you’re about to hit her.
You can’t teach an old dog new positions.
Ain’t no buzz like the buzz that comes from drinking ink!
They say beauty is only skin deep. And by God, if you’ve ever skinned a person, you know that’s no lie!
The #1 cause of earthquakes is when heavyset people decide to try double dutch!
Where I come from, the best cure for a hangover is a mayonnaise enema!
My mamma always said if you got mud, you got yerself a party!
If you’re passing through Texarkana, Arkansas, and you need a place to stop and rest, head on over to Mabel Willoughby’s house. Tell Mabel Uncle Terry sent ya, then hand her a bucket of underwear. She’ll know what to do after that!
My daddy always said that if the full moon is out, that means Jesus is winkin’ at ya!
Here’s an old home remedy for HIV: Canned peaches!
Where I come from, if you don’t like somethin’, you set it on fire!
If you ever wake up in your car driving towards Flagstaff, and you don’t know how you got there, and there’s chicken blood all over your shirt, ain’t no turnin’ back after that!
You know a school is good if it’s got windows!
Thanks, Terry. More backwater wisdom from Terry to come!
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, can't spell most pronouns, excited for another season of retardation, slack-jawed yokels, terry bradshaw's down home wisdom, yokels
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August 18th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
“They say beauty is only skin deep. And by God, if you’ve ever skinned a person, you know that’s no lie!”
Very funny. And very true.
August 18th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
I think BDD stole half of these from Forest Gump
August 18th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
“I can too spell cat, d-o… wait thats the other one aint it.”
August 18th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
You know, I never understood how some random hick named Jimmy is a better fiddler than Satan. Maybe Terry could explain.
August 18th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
this is some good shit. whiskey tango wisdom at its finest. also up this alley is the best line from The State.
“you might think your dog food is better than Little Brown Dog Food… well shut up! Cause your wrong!
August 18th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Foster Brooks was funnier than Jim Varney. Or was it Jodie Foster? I always get the two mixed up.
August 18th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
“My daddy always said you should NEVER look a woman in the eye when you’re about to hit her.”
Pearls of wisdom…I just hope the kids of America are writting these down.
August 18th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Awesome. im going to steal these and start using them as my email signature quote.
August 18th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
@ Shinons: You know, I never understood how some random hick named Jimmy is a better fiddler than Satan.
‘The boy said, “My name’s Johnny, and it might be a sin…’
August 18th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Somehow here its appropriate to reference check Charlie Daniels.
August 18th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
“Just go and lay your hand on a Pittsburgh Steelers fan” is also appropriate – at least for Ape.
August 18th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
“Foster Brooks was funnier than Jim Varney. Or was it Jodie Foster? I always get the two mixed up.”
Foster Brooks: pretended to be drunk
Jodie Foster: pretended to like cock
August 18th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Speaking of Charlie Daniels’ “The Devil Went Down to Georgia”, why the fuck would anyone wager his immortal soul against a Satanic gold violin? Only the people of Georgia know.
August 18th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Holee shit! A gold violin vs. a Georgian immortal soul? It’s no contest…
August 18th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Jimmy Johnson: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
Howie Long: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
The rest of America: What the fuck are they laughing at?
August 18th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Move over, Jack Handey.
August 18th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Is the Ape off scribbling an imagined Fran Tarkenton parody in retaliation? You know, Yinzers don’t like it when you pick on the Stillers……
August 18th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
At this very moment, 6 of the 8 ads on this site are for Bret Favre Jets’ jerseys. Fuck Bret Favre hard, right in the goat ass.
August 18th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
When KSK Jerry and KSK Terry meet its just a series of shouts, back-slaps, smiling grunts and whoo-doggies.
August 18th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
AND IF YOU LIKE SOMETHING, SHIT, YOU SET THAT ON FIRE TOO! (in my head Bradshaw is always yelling).
August 18th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Terry Bradshaw should have a show on Food TV and call it “I’ma just gonna put some 57 and tartar on it.”
August 18th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
@ Glove: LOL Terry probably knows all about fucking in the goats ass…
August 18th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Peckerwoods.
August 18th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
my daddy always said “if you can’t keep it in your pants, keep it in the family!”
and his favorite joke was “what do you say to woman with two black eyes? bitch, i told you twice!” hoowee!
August 18th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
The most useless invention ever: the toothbrush.
August 18th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
The most useless invention ever: the toothbrush.
Although in Terry’s case, it’s an accurate name — one tooth, one brush.
I hope future installments of this feature reunite Terry with his Cannonball Run partner Mel Tillis.
August 18th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
“Ain’t nobody on earth funnier than Jim Varney.”
Truer words were never spoken, my friend.
August 18th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
@ Otto Man
High marks indeed for the Mel Tillis reference. When Mel Tillis says “It’s A Long Way To Daytona” you better believe that your current location is some distance from Daytona, Florida.
August 18th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
“If you can’t fuck it–kill it. If you can’t kill it–fuck it. If you can’t kill it or fuck it–pray to it, because it’s Jesus.”
August 18th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
what do 1,000 battered women have in common? they just don’t listen!!
August 18th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
Okay, I’ll bite, Terry, what in the fuck do you do with a bucket of underwear? Sounds like a party coming on!
August 18th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
that’s 7 of 8, actually, now.
August 18th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
Mayonnaise enema ! Cannot…get..awful …image out of head!
(shakes head) “bucket of underwear”…comedy gold!
August 18th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
The Louisiana Tech football program is rolling over in it’s grave.
August 18th, 2008 at 5:12 pm
What’s up with all the pop-ups on this site now? This has been my home page at work for over a year and it’s never been a problem.
August 18th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
This post is like a sore pecker… you just can’t beat it!
August 18th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
Please tell me your thoughts on the resolution of the Bears’ quarterback controversy are coming soon.
August 18th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
Here’s an old home remedy for HIV: Canned peaches
Oh for fucks sakes that is great.
August 18th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
if you look quickly, that picture kind of resembles sloth from the goonies
August 18th, 2008 at 8:12 pm
Hey, Terry…what has a thousand legs and three teeth?
-The front row at a Willie Nelson concert. Is that where you’re headed tonight?
August 18th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
That’s just like puttin feathers on a turkey in the summertime, it just makes no sense!
August 18th, 2008 at 10:08 pm
oncet bdd gets to rollin, he’s just hell in spectacles. yessir.
August 18th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
btw: the ads on this once pristine site are beginning to dilute its hallmark acidity. and that’s a goddam shame.
August 19th, 2008 at 12:32 am
Terry looks like Darren McCarty sober
http://collegefastbreak.com/
August 19th, 2008 at 6:46 am
btw: the ads on this once pristine site are beginning to dilute its hallmark acidity. and that’s a goddam shame.
This morning is a case in point: GayBearDating.com
I wonder if the “Gay Mafia” tags are giving Google the wrong idea. You filthy teases.
August 19th, 2008 at 10:25 am
Wow, I had heard some of these, and could extrapolate a few myself from life. But really:
Here’s an old home remedy for HIV: Canned peaches!
Who’d a thunk???