Al Michaels and John Madden are back. I am pleased to report that Madden doesn’t look like the moldy marshmallow that I thought he would in HD. Michaels, meanwhile, seems to be coming up with more creative ways to conceal his baldness. Might I suggest growing a beard?

Jim Sorgi started the game for the Colts. What most people don’t know is that all 32 backup quarterbacks in the NFL make a bet for $5000 each at the start of preseason. Whoever has the best stats before the regular season starts gets all the cash. Worst stats? You have to suck off your own nose tackle.

Art Monk is finally in the Hall. As I’m seeing these guys on TV and listening to them speak, and I think to myself, not only would I listen to them on an NFL sideline, but also in a boardroom, an office, a church, a school. They strike me as genuinely good people, and I doubt I will be able to say those things when the players we’re watching now are up for induction.

This is really what I’ve been missing all season: Peyton and Eli commercials! Die, turds.

After Jared Lorenzen threw that pick-six in the third quarter, I think I could literally hear him sweating. Or maybe I heard all the barbecue joints in the Canton area simultaneously agreeing to stay open late. I need to get my hearing checked.

Yeah, we get it, Al. He recovered the onside kick at the start of the game. Enough, already.

Colt Brennan’s throwing delivery couldn’t look any more awkward if he lodged the ball up his ass and cut one to launch it downfield. But holy shit, aside from that screen pass, every toss he had was on the money.

I believe Fred Dean could eat Adam Schefter in about seven bites.

After explaining that no one had seen Peyton Manning all week, Al Michaels makes the comment, “How do you lose anything in Terre Haute?” C’mon, you can lose lots of things in Terre Haute, whose French name literally means, “I left that shit RIGHT HERE a second ago…”

Why is Jason Taylor still wearing his Dancing With The Stars costume?

Darrell Green played in the League for 20 years. He waited the mandatory five years and got in the Hall on his first ballot. But I bet he still gets carded when he buys beer.

Gary Zimmerman: Hall-of-Famer, and one ugly motherfucker. And he was the white guy!

Did you say something? No? Okay, never mind then.

This was actually a pretty entertaining game. Football is back, so leave your best impressions of last night’s game in the comments.