KSK’s Hall Of Fame Mini-Gamebook: Colts-’Skins
Al Michaels and John Madden are back. I am pleased to report that Madden doesn’t look like the moldy marshmallow that I thought he would in HD. Michaels, meanwhile, seems to be coming up with more creative ways to conceal his baldness. Might I suggest growing a beard?
Jim Sorgi started the game for the Colts. What most people don’t know is that all 32 backup quarterbacks in the NFL make a bet for $5000 each at the start of preseason. Whoever has the best stats before the regular season starts gets all the cash. Worst stats? You have to suck off your own nose tackle.
Art Monk is finally in the Hall. As I’m seeing these guys on TV and listening to them speak, and I think to myself, not only would I listen to them on an NFL sideline, but also in a boardroom, an office, a church, a school. They strike me as genuinely good people, and I doubt I will be able to say those things when the players we’re watching now are up for induction.
This is really what I’ve been missing all season: Peyton and Eli commercials! Die, turds.
After Jared Lorenzen threw that pick-six in the third quarter, I think I could literally hear him sweating. Or maybe I heard all the barbecue joints in the Canton area simultaneously agreeing to stay open late. I need to get my hearing checked.
Yeah, we get it, Al. He recovered the onside kick at the start of the game. Enough, already.
Colt Brennan’s throwing delivery couldn’t look any more awkward if he lodged the ball up his ass and cut one to launch it downfield. But holy shit, aside from that screen pass, every toss he had was on the money.
I believe Fred Dean could eat Adam Schefter in about seven bites.
After explaining that no one had seen Peyton Manning all week, Al Michaels makes the comment, “How do you lose anything in Terre Haute?” C’mon, you can lose lots of things in Terre Haute, whose French name literally means, “I left that shit RIGHT HERE a second ago…”
Why is Jason Taylor still wearing his Dancing With The Stars costume?
Darrell Green played in the League for 20 years. He waited the mandatory five years and got in the Hall on his first ballot. But I bet he still gets carded when he buys beer.
Gary Zimmerman: Hall-of-Famer, and one ugly motherfucker. And he was the white guy!
Did you say something? No? Okay, never mind then.
This was actually a pretty entertaining game. Football is back, so leave your best impressions of last night’s game in the comments.
Tags: ksk gamebooks, MMP
August 4th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Wait, what? There was a game on last night? Just kidding, the 1st quarter was cool, but I think I changed the channel after Lionel Richie threw that TD pass.
August 4th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
you mean it’s OK to report on a non-Brett Favre NFL story?
are you sure?
August 4th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Colt Brennan was having bad flashbacks of the Georgia game because Marcus Howard was on the other side of the line.
Although admittedly, if Marcus Howard was on the other side of the line from me, I’d be having flashbacks to the Georgia game too, and I didn’t even see it.
August 4th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
manditory
Where did you get your edukation?
August 4th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
They showed footage from the Hall of Fame parade that goes through the center of downtown Canton. Let me tell you something: downtown Canton looks more depressing than an orphan with cancer. Even driving through it would make me want to kill myself.
August 4th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
Canton has the vaunted Hall of Fame for a multibillion-dollar industry and somehow makes it look like a Sonic Drive-In that was constructed in 1968 and never, ever remodeled.
I can’t imagine what the rest of town looks like without all that money and media attention being thrown at it on a regular basis.
August 4th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
Even driving through it would make me want to kill myself.
Considering the crime rate, you may not have to.
August 4th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
When I saw (from the report on it on the news) that there was a football game, I said, “Fuck, they’re already playing football?”
RE “Worst stats? You have to suck off your own nose tackle.”
When do they show that on ESPN? I’d watch it.
August 4th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Just remember that this is the good Canton. Not that crappy Canton, KS or Canton, GA.
/colbertjack
August 4th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
Most inoffensive Punte post EVAR?
August 4th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
I forgot about the game already. Was it that good? I must have been too stoned.
August 4th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Michaels, meanwhile, seems to be coming up with more creative ways to conceal his baldness.
Seriously, the first thing I could really notice on HD was Michael’s hairplug pattern.
Might I suggest growing a beard?
Hell, it worked for Jeff Garcia.
August 4th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
@Otto Man: 1963 to be exact, but while it has been <a href=”http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pro_Football_Hall_of_Fame#History”expanded 3 times since then the architecture remains circa 1963.
/will stop reading Wikipedia now
August 4th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Let’s try that again…
@Otto Man: 1963 to be exact, but while it has been expanded 3 times since then the architecture remains circa 1963.
/will stop reading Wikipedia now
August 4th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
I was surprised how good Brennan looked too. Although i also enjoy watching an offensive lineman named the Hefty Lefty get behind center and take snaps. It looks like he is throwing a giant ham when he tosses downfield.
Next on preseason schedule Hard Knocks. 24/7 Dallas Cowboys. (looking forward to seeing pacman’s stripper entrouage… he has to have one. Doesnt he?)
August 4th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
When did Bill Simmons start doing posts here?
August 4th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
I would just like to remind everyone here that Eric Zeier once looked good in a preseason game
August 4th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
I’m a little surprised at the complete lack of vitriol spouted about Indianapolis. Then again, the game took place in Ohio, so maybe Punter was a little self-conscious about having the spotlight on his shitty home state.
August 4th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
@Otto
I think he meant him to actually GROW a beard, not marry one like Garcia.
August 4th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
“Worst stats? You have to suck off your own nose tackle.”
Oh, so that’s why Ed Johnson didn’t get all sexual assault-y last year. He had Sorgi there to service him.
August 4th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Animal Mother, the way I heard it, Garcia did grow his beard, Weird Science-style.
Jackin, that’s way more than anyone should know about Canton. Why don’t you sit this one out, champ?
August 4th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Worst stats? You have to suck off your own nose tackle.
If Brady Quinn has a shitty preseason, you’ll know why. Sadly, Jim Sorgi is disqualified from the competition, because the Colts play a 4-3.
August 4th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
The only things I know about Canton are from this post and the Intertubes. Fortunately I’ll never have to travel there…even to visit the HOF.
August 4th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
They still designate one of the DTs as the NT (or over-tackle) in a 4-3. Ed Johnson and Anthony McFarland were the Colts last two NTs. The other DT (Raheem Brock) is the under-tackle.
August 4th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Fortunately I’ll never have to travel there…even to visit the HOF.
Why? Are you a Bucs fan?
August 4th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
No, I’m not into the whole fan worship enough to go there when Cowboys players get enshrined. Irvin’s speech was emotional and all, but I’m not sitting in heat all day to see guys talk with their ABC Sports blazers (thanks DS for the visual). And Emmitt’s speech might make me want to kill myself if I had to hear it in person.
August 4th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
Grizzly Adams DID have a beard!
August 4th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
@Otto Man: Dude.
/eagerly awaiting Tony Gonzalez’s HOF induction speech, where he talks about… uh, that one time… that he did something good… sometime….
August 4th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
If I had it my way, Tony Gonzalez’s HOF speech is going to be nothing but his sassy wife October doing a pole dance. We just better pray he’s an early-eligibility inductee, or that’s going to get a little less sexy.
Anyway, as a Chiefs fan, Canton is fucking dead to me until they induct Derrick Thomas. What? Being a nine-time Pro Bowler who holds the single-game sack record and the career forced-fumbles record isn’t good enough for you fucks? Oh, you had to let Andre Fucking Tippett in? Well, of course, he had four fewer Pro Bowl honors than DT. Why not? Fucking cockgobblers.
August 4th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
@Otto: You obviously didn’t hear Kraft calling Tippett the greatest LB of his time. But I could smell the bourbon on his breath thru my TV so maybe it was the whiskey talkin?
Don’t forget the one sack DT didn’t get at the end of the sack record game that cost them the game against Seattle.
August 4th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
My perceptions of the game are hazy because I was watching clips from Ultimate Surrender, but Indy’s defense seemed real shitty. Shittier than usual, even.
August 4th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
I remember that one, AM. Seven sacks on Dave Krieg, and yet the missed eighth was a killer. (I also remember DT saying he would’ve given up the sack record if they’d just been able to win the game.)
We got our revenge on Krieg, though. Made him our quarterback.
August 4th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
I thought I had the market cornered on ugly throwing motion.
Signed
Philip Rivers
August 4th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
Respect your elders Rivers’.
Signed
Billy Kilmer and Sonny Jurgenson
August 5th, 2008 at 12:07 am
been to canton. the hall of fame is great but the rest of the town is a shithole. if anyone in the dc area has been to manassas, va, it looks like that only not as classy. it does have a massive strip club in the middle of town that for some reason only has hot looking girls during hall of fame week.
August 5th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Haha at Terre Haute jokes. I hate that place so much……and it smells.