KSK 2008 NFL Prekkake: NFC West
Mediocrity reigns! Who can be mediocre-est?
ARIZONA CARDINALS
A Few Fast Facts About the Cardinals
- One of these days, we’ll find out what whether Larry Fitzgerald saved the unicorn’s kingdom or went to Leinart’s house to watch three women have sex with a goat.
- What’s more important: crushing perfectly tanned hot young ass, or becoming a big NFL star? Matt Leinart knows the answer. Say what you will about his extracurriculars, but homeboy’s laughing all the way to the VD clinic.
- Last February’s Super Bowl may have been the greatest ever played, but the week leading up to it was the shittiest Super Bowl week in history. I guaran-fucking-tee it. “Hey, let’s put the stadium, the convention center, and all the nightlife as far away from each other as possible, then host the game the same weekend everyone’s in town for a popular golf tournament.” Fuck you, various Phoenix suburbs. Hey Goodell, forget warm weather and host the Super Bowl in cities with public transportation and bars open past 2:00 a.m.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 8.0 wins
Verdict: Under. The Cardinals have been predicted to be a “sleeper” team ready to make the “leap” for more consecutive years than I can count. At this point, picking them to step up is like betting on Charlie Brown to make a field goal. Anyone who picks them to succeed deserves to get punched in the nuts, if only on principle. Just like that bitch-ass Charlie Brown.
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
A Few Fast Facts About the 49ers
- The 49ers are the greatest team in NFL history to not inspire a lackluster fan base.
- Assassinated San Francisco city supervisor Harvey Milk was known as the “Mayor of Castro Street.” Niners coach Mike Nolan is known as Der Fuehrer of Sucky Straße.
- Offensive genius Mike Martz brings his magic to the City this year. San Francisco’s population of old lesbians is already swooning.
- The name “49er” comes from the flocks of men that flooded the city in 1849 in search of cock.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 5.5 wins
Verdict: Push? Five wins, six wins, what’s the difference? They’re not going anywhere with Alex Smith’s elf hands holding the football.
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS
A Few Fast Facts About the Seahawks
- Quarterback Matt Hasselbeck once presented President Bush with a Seahawks jersey. He can surpass Steve Largent as the most politically conservative Seahawk if he votes National Socialist in the next six elections.
- Deion Branch and Bobby Engram will both miss at least the first month and a half of the season with injuries. D.J. Hackett left via free agency. They’re so shorthanded at wide receiver that they let some white guys try out.
- Lofa Tatupu was busted for DUI during the offseason. While driving a Subaru Hyundai. What a joke. That would be like Ray Lewis killing people with a sponge, or Travis Henry wearing a condom. Do it like an All-Pro or don’t do it at all.
- Shaun Alexander is a class act who plans to stay active in the Seattle community and keep close ties with the organization, even though the team cut him. More importantly, the team cut him.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 9.0 wins
Verdict: Over. I know I’m a homer, but the Seahawks are better than they were last year, and this division still sucks. Barring an injury to Hasselbeck, they’ll get at least one home game in the playoffs. Oh God, I’ve jinxed Hasselbeck! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
ST. LOUIS RAMS
A Few Fast Facts About the Rams
- Second place for the featured Ram picture was this.
- Third place was this.
- Fourth place was Ram-Man driving a Dodge Ram ramming into a ram ramming an ewe in a Ramada parking lot.
- Teri Hatcher has a ten-year-old daughter, which means Chris Long could star in the first-ever second-generation RadioShack ad. And people say Earth’s future doesn’t look bright.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 6.5 wins
Verdict: Over. The Rams got ruined by injuries last year. Bulger and S-Jax return healthy, and Chris Long should help improve last year’s shoddy D.
August 20th, 2008 at 8:54 am
For the sake of accuracy Tatupu was drving a Hyundai
August 20th, 2008 at 8:56 am
“Fourth place was Ram-Man driving a Dodge Ram ramming into a ram ramming an ewe in a Ramada parking lot.”
during Ramadan?
August 20th, 2008 at 9:02 am
Ok, let’s do this (in pain):
Arizona – Bigger cocktease in AZ: The Cardinals or ASU girls?
Frisco – You are about to start JT O’Sullivan (an NFL Europa QB) over Alex Smith (#1 overall pick). How’s that taste?
Seattle – This is Mike Holmgren’s last year and the team will send him out with his usual 9-7/first round exit season.
St. Lou – It’s still baseball season and the Cards still have a shot. Nothing to see here, so move along.
August 20th, 2008 at 9:02 am
Nobody calls out Charlie Brown and lives to talk about it. Nobody!!
Cardinals: That picture could say a million words, but 4 will do: found on road, dead
49ers: Martz will extend his streak of turning every RB into Marshall Faulk. As Marshall is today, useless to an NFL team and killing 50 million fantasy teams who fell for the hype on Gore this year.
Seahawks: Maybe they can sign their 12th man to play WR. Oh wait, that’s right, the 12th man is at Texas A&M.
Rams: When did you write the Rams review? June? Sure, Jackson is still healthy. And judging by all the carries he’s getting, he’ll be healthy going right into 2009.
August 20th, 2008 at 9:25 am
What’s with the Hasselbeck sextuplets all wearing Tatupu jerseys (presumably) watching a crushing Seattle defeat? How did that get past without a mention, or are we supposed to do your job for you…?
August 20th, 2008 at 9:41 am
Lets go back and talk about how awesome the Texans are because that was so much fun last time.
Moving on – Leonard Little did not kill anyone in the off season which is nice. About the only good thing that happened for the rams.
August 20th, 2008 at 9:45 am
“Deion Branch and Bobby Engram will both miss at least the first month and a half of the season with injuries. D.J. Hackett left via free agency.”
“…..but the Seahawks are better than they were last year…”
Ok.
August 20th, 2008 at 9:57 am
“- Last February’s Super Bowl may have been the greatest ever played, but the week leading up to it was the shittiest Super Bowl week in history. I guaran-fucking-tee it. “Hey, let’s put the stadium, the convention center, and all the nightlife as far away from each other as possible, then host the game the same weekend everyone’s in town for a popular golf tournament.” Fuck you, various Phoenix suburbs. Hey Goodell, forget warm weather and host the Super Bowl in cities with public transportation and bars open past 2:00 a.m.”
New Orleans, FTW.
August 20th, 2008 at 10:02 am
“What’s more important: crushing perfectly tanned hot young ass, or becoming a big NFL star?”
Uh… do you even need to ask?
August 20th, 2008 at 10:05 am
@ FearTheBuzzsaw — A vastly improved offensive line and a stingier defense, combined with a healthier All-Pro quarterback and running backs who don’t fall down behind the line of scrimmage, led me to say that. Please accept my apology for not boring everyone with a by-position breakdown of my favorite team.
p.s. Eat a bag of dick.
August 20th, 2008 at 10:12 am
That Seahawks picture is either 6 identical dudes watching a Seahawks game, or a time lapse photograph of the same dude watching the Seahawks last season.
And can I crush hot tanned young ass WHILE being a big time NFL QB without actually doing anything? Yah feel me, brah? Let’s go do some blah our of that brah-d’s brah, brah!
August 20th, 2008 at 10:47 am
I will now spend the entire morning Google Image Searching “Ram-Man.”
Fuck and yes.
August 20th, 2008 at 10:48 am
The Seahawks will have one of those “what’s wrong with this team?” years and finish under .500, I can feel it.
August 20th, 2008 at 10:56 am
He’s like a big bear, man!
August 20th, 2008 at 11:08 am
you forgot to mention the seahawks stolen 12th man gimmick from a 3rd tier big 12 school
August 20th, 2008 at 11:17 am
Every team in that division will find a way to go 4-12.
August 20th, 2008 at 11:25 am
CC- Thanks for the clarification.
/no dick joke
August 20th, 2008 at 11:30 am
Would it sound like Hasselbeck to say “Fuck downfield, I’m throwing to my tight end”?
August 20th, 2008 at 11:57 am
@ piratesloth – you forgot “and we’re gonna win!”
August 20th, 2008 at 11:58 am
Well, we are going to win. I figured that went without saying.
August 20th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
Why is one bear signaling ‘touchdown’ while four bears cringe and one offers Holmgren a fisting?
August 20th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
If you go around counter-clockwise, starting with the bear with his legs crossed, I think it’s a time-lapse of him finding his first gay porn video site.
August 20th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Is that Seahawks photo supposed to be a representation of Rachel Nichols’ “range of emotions” question?
August 20th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
“Lofa Tatupu was busted for DUI during the offseason. While driving a Subaru Hyundai. What a joke. That would be like Ray Lewis killing people with a sponge, or Travis Henry wearing a condom. Do it like an All-Pro or don’t do it at all”
The Hyundai is his DUI mobile. Why take out the Aston Martin if you are facing a 104% chance of crashing into something? He’s clearly the smartest Athlete/Celebrity drunk driver ever
August 20th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
6-10 wins that division
http://www.collegefastbreak.com/
August 20th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
I have nothing to add except the dead cardinal picture made my day.
August 20th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
Hmmm… I heard the dead Cardinal is the one that caused Tony La Russa to swerve when he saw it, thus leading to his DUI arrest.
August 20th, 2008 at 6:09 pm
Rams: When did you write the Rams review? June? Sure, Jackson is still healthy. And judging by all the carries he’s getting, he’ll be healthy going right into 2009.
Jackson ended his hold out today and is expected to report to camp tomorrow.
http://www.reese’sfastbreakcandybar.com
August 20th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
As a Seahawks fan, allow me to speak for the rest of my fellow fans and the organization:
“We’re sorry that the Cardinals, Rams & 49ers suck harder than George Michaels trying to cure Justin Timberlake of a snakebite on his cock. Obviously it is a character flaw on our part that we are in the same division as them, and it’s okay that our reputation is dragged down because they are worthless piles of Jeff Garlin’s shit. Our bad.”
August 20th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
“S-Jax”?
Really? Why, why, why, why, WHY?! Is it that hard to spell the whole thing?
Stephen Jackson. There, done.
Enough with the abbreviations
/end rant
August 20th, 2008 at 10:17 pm
@ J.L. White
Amen, brother.
August 20th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
Stephen Jackson. There, done.
Well, not so much.
August 20th, 2008 at 11:23 pm
ALSO, I would have opted for this one for option 5 of the Ram pics
August 24th, 2008 at 12:13 am
Hasselbeck’s equally crazyass wife is, at least, the hottest woman on The View.
Of course it’s moot because the fact that I know Elizabeth Hasselbeck is on The View probably makes me kind of gay.