KSK 2008 NFL Prekkake: NFC East
The best division in football, right up until Donovan McNabb gets hurt, Eli Manning returns to mediocrity, Jon Jansen gets Jason Campbell killed, and the Dallas Cowboys are smote by a just God.
WASHINGTON REDSKINS
A Few Fast Facts About the Redskins
- Right now Sean Taylor’s killer is being brutally raped. And if he isn’t, he certainly should be.
- Redskins fans have been so used to Joe Gibbs and his penchant for deflecting criticism from his players that Jim Zorn’s willingness to criticize rookies for being out of shape and call his offensive line’s performance “soft” has everybody in a tizzy. It’s going to take a while to get used to a coach who doesn’t run his team like a sermonizing grandfather who thinks everybody is fucking blind.
- Contrary to unpopular belief, Chief Zee doesn’t wear “red-face”.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 7.5
Verdict: Over. Sure they’re coming off of a 47-3 loss that had me screaming like Buzz Bissinger on a PCP bender, but hey, it’s just the pre-season, right? right?!?! FUCK ME LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL! GOD DAMN IT REED DOUGHTY, IF YOU COULD HEAR YOU MIGHT NOTICE THE WIDE RECEIVERS TRAMPLING PAST YOU! AND WHY THE FUCK DOES OUR LINE LOOK LIKE THEY’RE WEARING FUCKING ROLLER SKATES?! So yeah, Super Bowl or bust!
NEW YORK GIANTS
A Few Fast Facts About the Giants
- Kate Mara never thought she’d miss Jeremy Shockey’s constant attempts to shove his hand down her pants, but she totally does.
- Michael Strahan won’t really come back for $8 million and “a few kind words,” but if you throw in an enema administered by his ex-wife’s sister then you might have yourself a deal.
- David Tyree is from Montclair, New Jersey, otherwise known as the home of one Peter King. Also, he’s still not a very good football player.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 8.5
Verdict: Under. Osi’s done for the year, Strahan isn’t coming back, and the secondary blows without a pass rush. But hey, at least they have Eli and his equally unstoppable Citizen EcoDrive. They’ll finish below .500 and Coughlin will probably kill himself before the season’s over.
DALLAS COWBOYS
A Few Fast Facts About the Cowboys
- Roy Williams is actually worse than Reed Doughty.
- Tony Romo finds himself more and more intellectually stimulated by Jessica Simpson every day. Just another example of how spending time in Dallas will make you dumber.
- Wade Phillips is intent on teaching Adam Jones how to be a good teammate. In return Jones is going to teach Wade how to eat the one thing on which he’s never indulged. Pussy.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 10.5
Verdict: Over. Yeah, I guess they’re pretty good. But they’ll figure out a fun new way to fuck up the playoffs.
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES
A Few Fast Facts About the Eagles
- The Reid family went with Mormonism because they thought Christian Scientists had too many pesky rules. Apparently praying to Jesus to get you high doesn’t work nearly as well as a few fistfuls of Vicodin with an OxyContin chaser.
- Donovan McNabb finds Jimmy Rollins’ ideas intriguing and he’d like to subscribe to his newsletter.
- DeSean Jackson is like Usain Bolt without the size, strength, precision, and speed. But he’s still going to fuck up everybody’s shit.
- Everyone knows that Brian Westbrook is versatile, but did you know that he once fucked his girlfriend in ten different positions in one night? While he’s perfectly capable of lining up in her slot he’d rather come out of her backfield.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 8.5
Verdict: Under. Andy Reid will finally throw Donovan McNabb under the bus, and Brian Westbrook will realize that there’s no real point in trying anymore.
August 26th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Nice picture of the dog with the idiots in red.
Dilbert once said,
“Stupidity is like nuclear power. It can be used for good or evil - and you don’t want to get any on you.”
In the immortal words of Eric Cartman (talking about Wendy Testaburger, I’m referencing Jessica Simpson)
“She’ll be the death of him Jason, mark my words, she’ll be the death of him.”
August 26th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Long about Week 5 Zorn’s just going to jettison the tackles altogether and go with the two-back, five-wideout set. With Colt Brennan at QB. Good thing the HOF induction ceremony’s on Tivo, it’s gonna be a long season.
August 26th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
“he’s perfectly capable of lining up in her slot he’d rather come out of her backfield.”
shouldn’t that read “come into her backfield”?
August 26th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
What goes up must come down
August 26th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Seriously, why does everyone overestimate the Eagles every year?
August 26th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Why is Jeff Fisher driving Eli and his wife in a parade?
August 26th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
I like how the Reid on the end is flipping us off. We’re not the ones wearing matching sweatsuits in our twenties.
August 26th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Since Eli usually has his second half of the season downfall, will Moishe start in after week 9?
August 26th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
That isn’t actually the Reid family in matching sparkly pajamas, is it? Because if it is, now I understand about the heroin and drunk driving and so on.
August 26th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
What’s that blue shit under Jessica’s nose? Is she leaking brain fluid again?
August 26th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
so nearly every team (& not just in this division) will end up under their vegas over/under odds. ah parity. when every team finishes under .500 the only fan who loses out is everyone.
August 26th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Seriously, how do you pick the team with the worst quarterback in the league to go over predictions? Oh, yeah, that’s right, you’re a Redskins fan. You racist!
August 26th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
another fast fact about the cowboys: their division schedule is about as easy as the patriots in the afc east
August 26th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
They’ll finish below .500 and Coughlin will probably kill himself before the season’s over.
I don’t think Coughlin will kill himself; he might finally kill Elisha, though. It will be fun watching Coughlin’s face turn bright red again.
August 26th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
If I were Andy Reid, I think I’d be happier having it known that my children had filmed an amateur incest porn video than having this picture available to all and sundry. Of course like any self-respecting Eagles fan I think they have what it takes to be a super bowl team (just ask Donovan!), but am waiting to turn on them after the first loss and demand that Kevin Kolb be unleashed so that the team can evaluate whether to draft another quarterback. And once Kolb shows he blows too, claim that I never wanted them to bench Donovan for the second year loser that blew the previous game. All the while crying over TO no longer being on the team and the death of Jerome Brown and how we never win championships and how we deserve it so much more than anyone else!
/dreanged non-emo eagles fan
August 26th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
I going cowboys divisional sweep. Thats right FUCKERS!
August 26th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
@Blaytor,
Christ I thought we had it bad in Minnesota. Though, the RNC is coming to town, soooo…
August 26th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
You jerks couldn’t be wronger about the Giants. The Eli/Tyree connection you all got a taste of last season is just going to get better and better, until Eli is flinging passes into Tyree’s shoulder blades. That alone will take us deep into January.
Also, is “I find your ideas intriguing and I’d like to subscribe to your newsletter” the most quotable Simpsons sentence ever? This anchor says yes!
August 26th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Elisha’s wife>Romo’s girlfriend
August 26th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Plaxico Burress has to take care of Plaxico Burress.
August 26th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
@porky1
the blue shit’s the sealant her daddy & beau put in her head to stop the slow leak that occurs every time she opens her mouth without putting one of their johnsons in it.
August 26th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
Did Jessica just Smurf Tony’s Smurf and get Smurf on her face?
August 26th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
Following in Favre’s footsteps, Sean Taylor just decided to un-die and wants to be released immediately so he can play for Miami, the university. At least there winning only six games gets you a bowl game.
/over-under for number of death threats Jim Zorn sends to himself 10.5, one for each loss
//apologizes for Taylor joke if it’s too soon
///fuck em if they can’t take a joke
August 26th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
I really have no idea how to respond to this post without coming off all srs bsnss like that dude Matt does whenever the Houston Texans are mentioned. So yeah.
Also, fuck the Cowboys with a rusty poker. If God is just, the Cowboys will lose horrifically in the Divisional Playoffs again after Romo throws 5 INTs and is caught manning the camera during the opponent’s pre-game run through.
/he’ll still get fellated by the media, but whatthefuckever
August 26th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
“In return Jones is going to teach Wade how to eat the one thing on which he’s never indulged. Pussy.”
Now, what would a man of his blackground know about that…?
August 26th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
“While he’s perfectly capable of lining up in her slot he’d rather come out of her backfield.”
This just turned me on Maj.
/needs to get laid
August 26th, 2008 at 7:50 pm
Outstanding. Is it possible the entire division could finish under?
At some point Romo is going to have an epiphany and go “Fuck, Jessica Simpson really is the dumbest person on the planet” and call Nick Lachey, sobbing, going “I understand! It all makes sense now! God, I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry!” and Nick will go “Brah, dump the slut and let’s go do some blah.” And thus, the Cowboys season unravels, Wade gets fired, TO throws Romo under the bus and gets traded to the Jets, and the Cowboys continue to not win shit.
/smells a Romo/Lachey/Leinart fanfic
August 26th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
and where’s double J in all this?
\door flies open…
August 26th, 2008 at 8:43 pm
Under?! Fuck you, knob-gobbler. On the other hand, I didn’t have to see the Emo Eagles fans again. But on the first hand, under?! Fuck you, knob-gobbler.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:13 pm
NOBODY gets between Eli and his woman…except for men in Disney-licensed costumes.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:22 pm
Will there ever be a day where any of us don’t have to be ashamed of being an Eagles fan?
….I didn’t think so. -.-
August 26th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
Where the fuck’s the Homerism tag?
August 26th, 2008 at 11:34 pm
Cowboys win Super Bowl this year. All haters jump off the closest bridge. World becomes better place.
/47-3
//Tyree is on the PUP list
///Westbrook will quit on the Eagles after game 8
August 27th, 2008 at 2:31 am
Yeah, contract extensions that you were asking for and deserved usually lead to quitting on the team that gave them to you. It’s not like he wants out of Philly - if he did, he wouldn’t have signed the extension.
Cowboys winning the Super Bowl? It’s been 12 years since they’ve won a playoff game man. Baby steps.
August 27th, 2008 at 8:31 am
Yeah, because no NFL running back’s production has gone down after getting a big payday.
August 27th, 2008 at 9:06 am
“Wade Phillips is intent on teaching Adam Jones how to be a good teammate. In return Jones is going to teach Wade how to eat the one thing on which he’s never indulged. Pussy.”
Fucking classic
August 27th, 2008 at 9:34 am
You forget the “homerism” tag on this post.
August 27th, 2008 at 11:20 am
How do I reeeeeeeach theeeeese keeeeeeds?
August 27th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
All those guys were holdouts that missed camp (other than Shaun Alexander, whose O-line deteriorated). Besides, Westbrook is more talented than any of them.
Also, you’re defending something a cowboys fan said. You should be ashamed of yourself.
August 29th, 2008 at 1:51 am
Cowboys suck bacteria-laiden schmeg pole.
August 29th, 2008 at 1:54 am
OH and my point is……the Dallas Cowboys engage in unclean homosexual acts that likely will bestow upon them horribly painful afflictions of the mouth, nose, throat, and rectal regions.