KSK 2008 NFL Prekkake: AFC West
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
A quintet of randomly assembled trivia:
-QB Brodie Croyle lost all six games that he started last season. He played his college football at Alabama, where he perfected his unique, ellipically-shaped haircut, which he refers to simply as “Follicle Village.”
-RB Larry Johnson has 1,050 career carries, averaging 4.5 yards per pop. He credits his success to a training regimen called “Dots,” which involves him standing on a marked platform, eating spoonfuls of pebble-shaped ice cream.
-Jay Feely lasted exactly one day in Chiefs camp. Upon his dismissal, head coach Herm Edwards was praised for his humanity after declining to euthanize the kicker, choosing instead to simply open the front gate and let him roam free.
-Star linebacker Derrick Thomas died suddenly in 2000, so look for him to see reduced action this year.
-Kansas City is actually in Missouri which, to me, sounds like bullshit. The entire city used to be in Kansas, until it was stolen in 1836 by the old train robber Slippery Dan Honeybaker and his gang. They sacked the city in the dead of night, and then moved it outside of state lines, where they started the Great Plains Squaredancing Society, which holds meetings on the last friday of each month to this very day. PUT THAT MOTHERFUCKING TOWN BACK WHERE IT BELONGS, YOU COCKSUCKING SQUAREDANCERS.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 5.5
Verdict: PUSH
Look for Herm and the crew to tie their first 11 games and then back into a nice, Top-10 draft pick for 2009. You heard it here first.
SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
Four bits of knowledge that will make you appear familiar with this team, plus a bonus:
-The city of San Diego is renown for its excellent zoo and large volume of secondhand pussy that couldn’t cut it in LA. The city is also home to a plethora of U.S. military bases that protect our freedom and stuff.
-Contrary to popular reports, outside linebacker Shawne Merriman didn’t tear his knee ligaments in action. Rather, he accidently raped his own leg while watching the first half-hour of the 1995 film, Higher Learning.
-Head coach Norv Turner was the surprise hire of 2007, but he would later shock the coaching world. He took the Chargers to the playoffs with an 11-5 record before showing the entire NFL that he actually does prefer to be called “Norv.”
-Chargers’ sixth-round draft pick DeJuan Tribble has been described by teammates as “soft, small, and gentile, and as producing a soothing purring sound”
-Ladanian Tomlinson is the consensus No. 1 pick in fantasy football this year. His durable frame and quick feet are in stark contrast to Megan Fox, the consensus No. 1 pick for fantasy anal.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 10.5
Verdict: OVER
It’s not a matter of IF, but WHEN the Chargers will lose to the Patriots in January.
DENVER BRONCOS
You’re still here? Do you really give a shit about this team?
- Jay Cutler has diabeetus. But he checks his blood sugar. And checks it often.
- Before this past offseason, Brandon Marshall once cut his hand on a toaster oven after a angry discussion that began with an excessively hot Cherry Pop Tart. In fact, many of the appliances in Marshall’s home meet in the living room on Tuesdays for group therapy sessions.
- Head coach Mike Shanahan has been with the Broncos for so long, the Denver Post has a historical back page feature called “Before That Rat-Faced Fuck Ran John Elway Out Of Town.”
- The city of Denver is 5,280 feet above sea level, and roughly 7,000 feet above reality.
- Selvin Young hopes to rush for 1,000 yards for the first time in his career this season. “Selvin” is actually Nubian for “hopes to rush for 1,000 yards for the first time in his career this season.”
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 7.5
Verdict: OVER
Denver should challenge for the AFC title, but they’ll need to score more points than the other team in about 12 or 13 games. You don’t get this level of analysis anywhere else.
OAKLAND RAIDERS
Five relatively quick morsels of information:
- Raiders owner Al Davis was the onetime commissioner of the American Football League, which rivaled the NFL back in the 1960s. The other former titles Davis has held include General of the Union army, leader of the expedition of the Louisiana Purchase, and pharaoh of Egypt.
- Justin Fargas rushed for over 1,000 yards last season, before the team drafted sensational rookie Darren McFadden in the first round. I don’t have a joke for that, but it’s pertinent.
- The Raiders traditionally have taken aging players released by other teams and let them finish their careers in Oakland. With the Patriots having recently adopted this trend, the Raiders have turned to a unique recruiting source: Al Qaeda.
- That Al Qaeda joke wasn’t really funny. Man, I’m getting tired.
- Upon his hiring, head coach Lane Kiffin usurped the San Diego Chargers’ title of “Most Poorly Named Head Coach.” Zing! Oh, come on, people!
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 6
Verdict: PUSH
JaMarcus Russell should benefit from a full training camp, but not enough to make up for a shitty defense and a head coach on a short leash with ownership. More like “ownershit.” Heh.
Tags: denver broncos, kansas city chiefs, KSK 2008 NFL Prekkake, MMP, oakland raiders, san diego chargers
August 28th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Hopefully Fargas didn’t squander the money he won from that local Cable Ace award a few years ago.
August 28th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
there’s a reason i called my fantasy league the “al davis deathbed invitational.” i forget what it was though.
August 28th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Unfortunately, the rat-faced fuck apparently cannot die or be fired. He has to have compromising photos of Pat Bowlen.
August 28th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
Jay Cutler has diabeetus. But he checks his blood sugar. And checks it often.
Call Liberty, you damn sons of bitches!
August 28th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
The other former titles Davis has held include General of the Union army, leader of the expedition of the Louisiana Purchase, and pharaoh of Egypt.
Calling 289…
August 28th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Chargers’ sixth-round draft pick DeJuan Tribble has been described by teammates as “soft, small, and gentile, and as producing a soothing purring sound”
NNNNNNNNEERRRRRRRRRRD!!!!
Also, how can you tell he isn’t Jewish?
August 28th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Oh, and KC will be UNDER with 3 wins and challenging ATL for worst team in foosball.
August 28th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Hopefully Fargas didn’t squander the money he won from that local Cable Ace award a few years ago.
That may be the most obscure Simpsons reference I’ve ever heard. Bra-vo.
Oh, and KC will be UNDER with 3 wins and challenging ATL for worst team in foosball.
Seriously. I’m already scouring the college ranks for our first-round draft pick. I’m thinking QB.
August 28th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Star linebacker Derrick Thomas died suddenly in 2000, so look for him to see reduced action this year.
Yet he still impregnated 4 girls last year. If that doesn’t spell HOF, nothing does.
Is Kansas City in Missouri or was it stolen from there? I NEED TO FUCKING KNOW!
August 28th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
Kansas City is, in fact, in both Missouri and Kansas.
I lived in the Missouri part. It’s every bit the shithole it sounds like, and more. The only redeeming aspect to the whole place is that the BBQ is amazing. Like, amazing enough to have me ship it to Chicago when I get the shakes.
\possibly addicted to burnt ends from Smoking Guns
Also, did anyone see the article about Jessica Simpson making a song for the Cowboys? Seriously!? Can I pencil them in for 8 wins and being made fun of by the rest of the NFL?
August 28th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
That Al Qaeda joke wasn’t really funny. Man, I’m getting tired.
I laughed
August 28th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Every time I see the word “diabeetus” I laugh.
August 28th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
When someone makes a ruling on “Most Redfaced NFL Coach” between That Rat-Faced Fuck and Coughlin, please let me know.
August 28th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
@ Monkey Business. You can tell almost instantly when you hit the Missouri side because of the potholes and hobo bumps. I’ll have to try Smoking Guns. I’m pretty dedicated to Arthur Bryant’s pulled pork though.
Damn you all to hell Monkey Business. Now I’m going to be thinking about KC barbeque all afternoon.
August 28th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
And now, to present the next award: the son of the guy who played Huggy Bear on “Starsky and Hutch”.
August 28th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
I just moved to KCMO 7 months ago and I work on the KS side. Shit.. hole.. I cracked a Derrick Thomas joke to a group of my friends and the room went silent. Give me a fucking break, it was 8 years ago! And I too now crave for BBQ, thanks assholes.
August 28th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
@ Monkey Business
I have to say that Carolina BBQ is better….it’s close though, but the caveat is you don’t have to go to shitty Kansas City to get it.
August 28th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
“The other former titles Davis has held include General of the Union army, leader of the expedition of the Louisiana Purchase, and pharaoh of Egypt.” THAT was funny Punter…
BTW did you know Cutler caught diabeetus from a toilet seat? Its true.
August 28th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
I had first overall pick in a fantasy draft last night, and no fucking way was I taking LT. Eesh.
August 28th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
“Contrary to popular reports, outside linebacker Shawne Merriman didn’t tear his knee ligaments in action. Rather, he accidently raped his own leg while watching the first half-hour of the 1995 film, Higher Learning.”
actually, i think he caught it from LaKneeInjury.
August 28th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
@FMRA: explain.
August 28th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
@ senor mullet…
Was it rapeually transmitted?
August 28th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
“BTW did you know Cutler caught diabeetus from a toilet seat?”
Jay should’ve listened to Wilford Brimley
And remember: retards ALWAYS want cake
August 28th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
@Future Mrs.
Who did you take?
August 28th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
The city of Denver is 5,280 feet above sea level, and roughly 7,000 feet above reality.
That pretty much sums up the attitude of the local sports radio hosts.
August 28th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Well, you just told me that I had a plethora, and I would just like to know if you know what it means to have a plethora. I would not like to think that someone would tell someone else he has a plethora, and then find out that that person has no idea what it means to have a plethora.
August 28th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
And remember: retards ALWAYS want cake
They’ll come at you like a whirling dervish, all fists and elbows. You could be screaming, “No, no, no!” But all they’ll hear is, “Who wants cake?”
August 28th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
You want a preview?
How about this for a preview?
FUCK YOU.
What’s wrong? Not expecting that from a wholesome Midwestern football fan.
WELL DOUBLE FUCK YOU AND GET USED TO GETTING SLAPPED AROUND BY MY NON-REGIONAL ACCENTED TROUSER PYTHON.
19-0
I said it.
“BHAR HAR HAR, Not in a million years do I see this team…”
Hey, you know what? You’re fat. You’re a football journalist because you had to play line as a kid and you’re too dumb to do anything else. Sports is the diaper rash of journalism. You could drown the staff of the New Yorker till they were over 50% brain damaged, push a pint of everclear into their IV’s and they’d come up with more articulate, accurate prognostications.
WHAT?!? You just assumed all we read was Marmaduke cartoon and People Magazine dipshit?
Well, between blowin up meth houses, punchin my girlfriend in the cookie maker, and barbequing (cause fuck, 3 meals of spareribs a day takes time) I manage to squeeze in time for a little light reading about Boethius’ Consolation of Philosophy.
WE UNDERSTAND LOSING, WE ARE WHERE THE ROYALS PLAY.
We welcome it, we live it, we grab it by the neck and autoerotically asphyxiate the ever-loving shit out of it.
To be honest we were kinda sad Chad Pennington didn’t make it to KC, not because Herm would have ginned up the special Olympics of quarterback controversies resulting in duel spontaneous combustion. No, we wanted it because that’s what the Royals would have done.
Larry Johnson will run a lot.
Chan Gailey’s offense will unsuccessfully try to mimic the old Steeler’s receiving scheme with Dwayne Bowe and Tony Gonzalez.
The defense will implode on a bunch of rookies that can’t tackle. Glen Dorsey will be particularly meh.
Brodie Croyle will be like Brett Favre the three years prior to last year, which is to say a washed up old man with no line and poor decision making skills.
None of that will matter, 19-0.
“Whaaaht the Faayyyhhhckk arre ya….”
SHUT YOUR FUCKING FACE BEFORE I SHOVE A POTATO IN IT!
Tom Brady’s knee, meet Tamba Hali, he’s from Liberia, are you familiar with “brown-brown?”
Oh, and Herm Edwards will continue to say things that make him sound more like John Witherspoon than Tony Dungy.
Now you can resume to rolling the same crap jokes about fat people down the Green Bay, Minnesota, Kansas City mountain of potato salad.
I gotta run, it’s almost 3 pm and need to attend to the burnt ends for the post lunch snack, pre-pre-dinner picnic. Rusty’s got some sweat-hog cousins coming down from Omaha on vacation, and we wanna impress the ladies.
August 28th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
raiders shitty defense? that is gonna be what cares them this year!! most improved defense in the league guarantee it and i say raiders end up with a better record then denver
August 28th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
I’ll agree with what NATHAN says, just not his spelling, punctuation, and capitalization.
August 28th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
@tech n9ne
Jesus Christ that was long.
August 28th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
NATHAN is a caricature of every single Raiders fan I’ve ever had cut me off in traffic. No way that’s real.
August 28th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
hey punch rock groin who gives a fuck about an oxford comma?
August 28th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
@ Mike and @ Lil Lebowski
I’ve been in KCMO for three years now. I can’t tell whether or not it’s actually a shithole. I like some things about it and hate other things. Oh well. I too plan on throwing barbecued meat at the television this autumn.
August 28th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Having attended college in Missouri, I can attest to the BBQ, it is fuckin’ awesome.
But seriously, have the Royals taken down the “1985 World Series Champions” banner yet? Holy Fuck is that sad. You could see it as you drove down 70 every time. Even the Mets took down their 1986 banner a long time ago, and you know how those New Yorkers will brag on anything forever!!
August 28th, 2008 at 9:15 pm
“Contrary to popular reports, outside linebacker Shawne Merriman didn’t tear his knee ligaments in action. Rather, he accidently raped his own leg while watching the first half-hour of the 1995 film, Higher Learning.”
What, self-rape doesn’t count as action?
August 28th, 2008 at 9:38 pm
Tomb Raiders >>>> Oakland Raiders
August 29th, 2008 at 1:09 am
@ gino tourettsa
/And now, to present the next award: the son of the guy who played Huggy Bear on “Starsky and Hutch”.
admittedly, i don’t get out much, but please, for the love of all that’s holy, tell me antonio fargas didn’t actually breed.
August 29th, 2008 at 3:44 am
Antonio “Huggy Bear” Fargas did indeed reproduce and his son Justin is a running back for the Raiders. There’s no word on whether Antonio’s role in “I’m Gonna Git You Sucka” helped or hurt young Justin’s football development, but Jim Brown had a major part in the flick.
Also, I made a psychologically-stunted and obscure “Simpsons” reference.