You must be at least this fat to root for one of these teams.
Five Fast Facts About The Texans:
- On the Simpsons, Fat Tony’s last name is DeMico. Close enough to DeMeco Ryans’ given name to lead me to believe his mom is a fan. Maybe we can be friends.
- Kevin Walter wishes he was only confused with Kevin Curtis because they share a first name.
- The best quarterback in franchise history is Matt Schaub. I’m not even a Texans fan and that makes me want to drink.
- Demarcus Faggins’ nickname is “Petey”. Petey Faggins sounds like what Peedi Crakk would be known by in the Shire.
- Sure, Mario Williams proved to be a better pick than Reggie Bush, but is he encouraging kids to get out and play at least an hour a day? No? Good. Nothing’s funnier than a fatass kid.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 7.5 Wins
They finished .500 last year and nothing leads me to believe they won’t improve if they get a full season out of Andre Johnson. Other than that, uh…you wanna fill me in, Texans fans? Hello? (Taps mouse) Hello?
Five Fast Facts About The Colts:
- The 2008 season will be Tony Dungy’s last as a head coach. But his first as a Vanessa Redgrave-themed transvestite.
- Marvin Harrison should be able to bounce back from injury. Dwight Freeney, however, will try to spin his way back with grim results.
- With the passing of Sean Taylor, Bob Sanders becomes assumes the lofty mantel of third best safety in the NFL.
- Just what sort of extra virulent strain of retardery inflicts the average Colts fan? Here’s a clue.
- Dominic Rhodes is happy to be back in Indy where he only has to suck on 3rd down.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 11 Wins
Even with questions surrounding Pey-Pey’s health and the efficacy of MarHar coming off an injury and a shooting spree, the Colts should be good for their usual 13 or so wins capped by a home playoff loss. But who will it come against? The Chargers like last year? The Steelers (against whom they’re 0-5 all-time in the playoffs)? Or will some dark horse team rise up and knock them off in embarrassing fashion? The suspense, it kills me.
Five Fast Facts About The Jiggywires:
- I’m pretty sure that goatee is made of the aluminum powder often found in Etch-a-Sketches.
- If it is indeed aluminum powder, Matt Jones would like to snort it in the back seat of his friend’s car.
- If Silky Garrard doesn’t watch out, Cleo Lemon might just up and snatch one from his stable if he’s not careful.
- Stout off-season acquisitions Jerry Porter and Troy Williamson are already being slowed by injury. Hopefully they can return to 100 percent mediocre by the start of the season.
- When Jack Del Rio goes fishing, he hooks his line with gummi worms to catch Swedish fish. He’s been successful in this endeavor at least three times.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 10 Wins
Jack “Of The River” is a fuckstick of the highest order, but the Jags made strides at the end of last year. Over the off-season, they stupidly threw a lot of money at disappointing receivers, while a homegrown dfisappointing receiver was getting in some trouble. As long as the MJD-Fred Taylor combo holds up, that should be able to mask the fact that David Garrard isn’t very good.
Five Fast Facts About The Titans:
- This year, the Titans plan to be the first team in NFL history to employ the five tight end set.
- Lendale White was the inspiration for the X-Men villain Mojo.
- Tight end Alge Crumpler is happy to finally be matched up with a run-first quarterback with an inaccurate arm.
- Tennessee, if you’ll recall, is full of snitches.
- Justin Gage doesn’t like that his last name is outdated slang for marijuana. So he smokes a lot of weed to take his mind off it.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 8 Wins
Probably a good enough team to finish above .500 in most divisions, but the AFC South is a toughie and somebody needs to take a step back. What better team than the one with no discernible passing game?
I want more like this!
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