KSK 2008 NFL Prekkake: AFC South
You must be at least this fat to root for one of these teams.
HOUSTON TEXANS
Five Fast Facts About The Texans:
- On the Simpsons, Fat Tony’s last name is DeMico. Close enough to DeMeco Ryans’ given name to lead me to believe his mom is a fan. Maybe we can be friends.
- Kevin Walter wishes he was only confused with Kevin Curtis because they share a first name.
- The best quarterback in franchise history is Matt Schaub. I’m not even a Texans fan and that makes me want to drink.
- Demarcus Faggins’ nickname is “Petey”. Petey Faggins sounds like what Peedi Crakk would be known by in the Shire.
- Sure, Mario Williams proved to be a better pick than Reggie Bush, but is he encouraging kids to get out and play at least an hour a day? No? Good. Nothing’s funnier than a fatass kid.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 7.5 Wins
Verdict: OVER
They finished .500 last year and nothing leads me to believe they won’t improve if they get a full season out of Andre Johnson. Other than that, uh…you wanna fill me in, Texans fans? Hello? (Taps mouse) Hello?
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS
Five Fast Facts About The Colts:
- The 2008 season will be Tony Dungy’s last as a head coach. But his first as a Vanessa Redgrave-themed transvestite.
- Marvin Harrison should be able to bounce back from injury. Dwight Freeney, however, will try to spin his way back with grim results.
- With the passing of Sean Taylor, Bob Sanders becomes assumes the lofty mantel of third best safety in the NFL.
- Just what sort of extra virulent strain of retardery inflicts the average Colts fan? Here’s a clue.
- Dominic Rhodes is happy to be back in Indy where he only has to suck on 3rd down.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 11 Wins
Verdict: OVER
Even with questions surrounding Pey-Pey’s health and the efficacy of MarHar coming off an injury and a shooting spree, the Colts should be good for their usual 13 or so wins capped by a home playoff loss. But who will it come against? The Chargers like last year? The Steelers (against whom they’re 0-5 all-time in the playoffs)? Or will some dark horse team rise up and knock them off in embarrassing fashion? The suspense, it kills me.
JACKSONVILLE JIGGYWIRES
Five Fast Facts About The Jiggywires:
- I’m pretty sure that goatee is made of the aluminum powder often found in Etch-a-Sketches.
- If it is indeed aluminum powder, Matt Jones would like to snort it in the back seat of his friend’s car.
- If Silky Garrard doesn’t watch out, Cleo Lemon might just up and snatch one from his stable if he’s not careful.
- Stout off-season acquisitions Jerry Porter and Troy Williamson are already being slowed by injury. Hopefully they can return to 100 percent mediocre by the start of the season.
- When Jack Del Rio goes fishing, he hooks his line with gummi worms to catch Swedish fish. He’s been successful in this endeavor at least three times.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 10 Wins
Verdict: OVER
Jack “Of The River” is a fuckstick of the highest order, but the Jags made strides at the end of last year. Over the off-season, they stupidly threw a lot of money at disappointing receivers, while a homegrown dfisappointing receiver was getting in some trouble. As long as the MJD-Fred Taylor combo holds up, that should be able to mask the fact that David Garrard isn’t very good.
TENNESSEE TITANS
Five Fast Facts About The Titans:
- This year, the Titans plan to be the first team in NFL history to employ the five tight end set.
- Lendale White was the inspiration for the X-Men villain Mojo.
- Tight end Alge Crumpler is happy to finally be matched up with a run-first quarterback with an inaccurate arm.
- Tennessee, if you’ll recall, is full of snitches.
- Justin Gage doesn’t like that his last name is outdated slang for marijuana. So he smokes a lot of weed to take his mind off it.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 8 Wins
Verdict: UNDER
Probably a good enough team to finish above .500 in most divisions, but the AFC South is a toughie and somebody needs to take a step back. What better team than the one with no discernible passing game?
Tags: KSK 2008 NFL Prekkake, xmas ape
August 18th, 2008 at 8:32 am
[...] original here: KSK 2008 NFL Prekakke: AFC South captain-caveman, colts, etch-a-sketches, fa-real, gut-reactions, ksk-2008-nfl-prekakke, [...]
August 18th, 2008 at 8:36 am
“If I’m a starter, that means we’re hurting somewhere,” receiver Dennis Northcutt says.
And if you’re making a quote like this, you should probably just give up on football. Or play for the Jaguars. Same thing.
August 18th, 2008 at 8:40 am
Kige’ll kill a snitch.
August 18th, 2008 at 8:55 am
But what might Cleo Lemon just up and do? Silky can’t stand the suspense.
August 18th, 2008 at 9:34 am
etch-a-sketch dust doesn’t get you nearly as high as the shit inside a beanie baby.
August 18th, 2008 at 9:50 am
suuuuure, you just wanna be “friends” with Demaco Ryans’ mom…… we’re not fooled, you pussy hound you!
August 18th, 2008 at 9:58 am
Following the tradition, here’s one question/comment for each team in the AFC South:
Houston: Schaub, Johnson, that Defense, but who’s running the ball for you?…wait…is that Ahman Green’s music?!!!
Indy: Look at it on the bright side - at least Jim Sorgi is better than Matt Cassell. Right?
Jax: Was there a less interesting story in the offseason than “Matt Jones caught with cocaine in his car”?
Tenn: QB - Vince Young, WR - Vince Young, LT - Vince Young, K - Vince Young, DT - Vince Young, DJ - Vince Young.
August 18th, 2008 at 10:44 am
+1 for Mojo.
I think Tennessee might be better off picking up Daunte Culpepper or some other free agent QB and running the A-11 “two-QB” setup. That way Vince can still pretend he’s a QB without actually having to throw.
August 18th, 2008 at 10:46 am
I think that Jaguar fan tried using his mustache to scratch off a lottery ticket
August 18th, 2008 at 10:51 am
He obviosuly confused “tear tattoo” with “Jags logo” when getting ink.
He couldn’t look any gayer if he had Brady Quinn’s cock in his mouth, ……………again.
August 18th, 2008 at 10:51 am
*obviously
/blames the school system
August 18th, 2008 at 11:50 am
Hey but we have Rob “My Bironas”
August 18th, 2008 at 11:52 am
WTF is a Tougie?? “the AFC South is a tougie” Sounds like Ape really knows what he is talking about. Picking a .500 ball club over a playoff team makes a ton of sense.
August 18th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
Picking a team that finished 8-8 last year above a 10-6 team ain’t that huge a reach.
August 18th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
“With the passing of Sean Taylor, Bob Sanders becomes assumes the lofty mantel of third best safety in the NFL.”
I’d rank Sanders #2 behind Troy…Who else ya got above Bob, whack ass Ed Reed?
August 18th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
@ Cumpidgeon: Because, clearly, every team that made the playoffs last year is a lock for the playoffs this year. There’s never any turnover, especially in tough divisions. Retard.
August 18th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
never clicking on another link here again…
August 18th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Picking the Texans over anyone is retarded.
August 18th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Well, considering they play the Steelers opening week, I hope you’re right.
August 18th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
This WINS if only for the mental image of P Crakk in Lord of the Rings.
August 18th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Didn’t know Enrique Iglesias enjoyed American Football.
August 18th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Houston might be the saddest NFL franchise of all time. Ask any Texans fan (if you can actually find one that admits it) and theyll tell you the greatest game in franchise history was beating the Cowboys in thier first ever game. Maybe the one time they beat the colts…
August 18th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
What’s the Titans’ greatest accomplishment? Losing a Super Bowl? A regular-season overtime win? That time they all took turns on your mom and left her glazed like a fucking Krispy Kreme?
August 18th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
http://www.stampedeblue.com/2008/8/18/596165/ksk-s-christmas-ape-bitter
How fucking oversensitive are the guys running Stampede Blue?
August 18th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
The Texans didn’t have a chance to keep the Oilers’ name, colors and records like Cleveland did when the Browns bolted for Baltimore. That’s hurt them.
Unfortunately there’s little city identity in H-town, unlike Dallas or Austin (Dallas is what folks think when they think Texas and Austin is the weird, leftist, hippie commune in the desert. For Houston, there’s the space program, the oil industry and….and….).
That said, the Texans will move forward this year and contend for a WC spot till the very end.
August 18th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
It should probably be mentioned that the fans of each of the teams in this division have a very high level of sand in their collective vaginas.
August 18th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
It should probably be mentioned that the fans of each of the teams in this division have a very high level of sand in their collective vaginas.
Let’s see:
Indy - We’re just as good as the Patriots! We got a Super Bowl ring too!
Jax - Our team isn’t moving! Our team isn’t moving!
Hou - We’re relevant! People know us! We’re smaht! Not dumb! We can do things!
Ten - How dare you question Jeff Fisher and Vince Young? Receivers are for pussies!
August 18th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Stampede Blue’s business model is quite astute:
Step 1: Pick fights with writers of blogs people actually read
Step 2: ?
Step 3: Traffic!
August 18th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Yeah, sorry. I definitely walked right into it.
August 18th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
Hey Matt nice mom shot there. You stay classy San Diego
August 18th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Step 2 would be to go to that blog and post something incoherent and profanity laced, but without a dick joke.
August 18th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
@Matt:
I do not think it makes much sense to talk shit about a franchise losing a Super Bowl (especially one of the all-time great ones) when the Texans haven’t gotten any closer to sniffing one than I have to sniffing the 35 year-old skid marks on your mom’s underwear.
August 18th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
@ handfulofpeter: Total number of Super Bowl wins for the Titans: 0. The rest of your post is a big whiny excuse. “We lost a really good game!” Great. Awesome. That and $2 will get me blowjob from any member of your family.
-
Tell me again how Vince “just wins games.” I never tire of hearing that fairy tale.
August 18th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
@shinons: I can’t vouch for any other AFC South fans, but my vag is 100& sand-free. I would have to agree re: Stampede Blue, though. They need to chill the fuck out.
August 18th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Yeah that was supposed to say 100%
August 18th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Here’s hoping that by Labor Day, “Petey” is no longer a member of the Houston Texans. Maybe we can fill his roster spot with that old lady and her Cadillac (week 1 opponent is Big Ben).
August 18th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
@Matt:
I am not a Titans fan. I am just stating facts:
The Titans have been to a Super Bowl.
The Texans have hosted a Super Bowl
August 18th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
Matt are you Matt Schaub? Your the guy on that ESPN show about sports trivia, stump the schwab or whatever right? No? Your an NFL QB? NO SHIT?! I bet you go to the pro-bowl all the time! No? Never? Ohh you were a backup untill last year… well HEY Im sure you were awesome… No? Medicore and started like 5 games before you tapped out like a bitch? Damn. Hey dont sweat it im sure you will be awesome this season, I mean thank god your team has someone, ANYONE other than Vince Young eh??!
August 18th, 2008 at 6:33 pm
@hfp: Fantastic. Both have the same number of rings, though. Which is all that matters.
-
@cumpidgeon: Other QBs who were a backup until they got to start: Steve Young, Kurt Warner, multiple other guys who make you sound like a fucking moron. But…wait…no, it’s because Schaub got hurt last year, right? That’s why he’s “medicore” [sic]? The gall of a QB to get hurt. Man…that’s like the first time ever that such an event has happened. You know what’s funny, though? Schaub was STILL better than VY, even in abbreviated action.
(And if you really want to compare Schaub’s stats to Vince’s at the end of this year, there is literally no amount of money I won’t agree to. Seriously. $5, $500, $5,000—however much you and your other meth-mouthed, Titans-fan buddies can scrape up, I’m in.)
August 18th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
What the fuck is up with the Texans inspiring some high-level vag sandiness on this site? This is the second time this has happened.
You people need to steal some of Shawn Andrews’ medication.
/what do you mean “you people”
August 18th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
[...] KSK 2008 NFL Prekakke: AFC South By Christmas Ape With the passing of Sean Taylor, Bob Sanders becomes assumes the lofty mantel of third best safety in the NFL. - Just what sort of extra virulent strain of retardery inflicts the average Colts fan? Here’sa clue. … Kissing Suzy Kolber - http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com [...]
August 18th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
Re: Folks asking Stampede Blue to relax.
People, it’s called a fucking joke, ok. Since you can’t fucking read, perhaps I can help you by posting the end remark I made in my recent post re: Christmas Ape.
“(psst, I secretly like Christmas Ape, even though I own his sorry butt in the all important “I’m right and you’re wrong” category.)”
I love KSK and Ape is hilarious. However, if you bash my team I kick your ass. That simple. Ape is a fucking genius, and we love to hear him rag on us. We get even by having our kick the shit out of his (and your) team on Sunday.
August 18th, 2008 at 7:49 pm
^Douche
August 18th, 2008 at 10:13 pm
That video linked in the Titans bit is possibly the funniest thing I’ve ever seen
August 19th, 2008 at 12:30 am
Dudes, Vince Young is solid, don’t be player hatin
http://collegefastbreak.com/
August 19th, 2008 at 9:44 am
@ Rich. He’s roughly as solid as Rex Grossman.
August 19th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
@Stampede Blue:
Shouldn’t you be somewhere convincing the world at general that the Colts are as good as the Pats? Or do they have trouble hearing you over the piped-in crowd noise?
August 19th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Actually, Houston has more than the Oil industry, it has the most Fortune 500 companies in the Nation. Anyway, Steve Slaton is looking to be like Reggie Bush, except he can actually run up the middle, Ahman Green is probably getting cut, and Matt Schaub looks like an accurate Tony Romo.
August 19th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Wow, shit’s hot up in this one.
The Texans suck…period. Of course, they have the Jags number from time to time. Silky Garrard has a lot to prove this year. Romo $? The titans did suck and will suck with Vince and Jeff at the helm. Awesome call by Ape on the Colts home playoof loss. The people at stampede blue are hilarious. I detect a frickin HUGE amount of jealousy. Who cares if KSK is slightly inaccurate on something. KSK readers are here because this shit is entertaining. I guess the people at stampede blue believe that Favre and King are really gay lovers and can’t wait for the week 12 showdown in San Diego just so they can say Phillip Rivers never once said, “Ya betta ask somebodddddddaaaaaayyyyyyy!”
August 19th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
@ Stampede Blue
“You bash my team, I kick your ass”. Uh, okay. But just for clarification purposes can you tell us what kind of ass kicking we can expect. I mean, is it a Rodney King level beating or more along the lines of what used to happen to you when you pissed off the girls in junior high? I’m just want to know what to expect before I remind you that your gaggin’-ass Dolts are the Atlanta Braves of the NFL. Yeah, they finally won 1, count ‘em, 1 Super Bowl title, after spitting the bit in the playoffs for what seems like 50 straight years. Congrats on that, I mean you have as many titles this decade as Tampa Bay (led by Brad Johnson), Baltimore (Trent Dilfer), and of course the New York Giants (Elisha). Meanwhile, last year, and probably for the foreseeable future you go right back to doing what you do best. Namely, putting up a nice regular season, followed quickly by an early exit in the playoffs.
/cringing while waiting for the horrific beating I’m almost sure to receive
/Stampede Blue…. seriously lighten up Francis, your douceiness is showing.