You must be at least this fat to root for one of these teams.

HOUSTON TEXANS

Five Fast Facts About The Texans:
– On the Simpsons, Fat Tony’s last name is DeMico. Close enough to DeMeco Ryans’ given name to lead me to believe his mom is a fan. Maybe we can be friends.
– Kevin Walter wishes he was only confused with Kevin Curtis because they share a first name.
– The best quarterback in franchise history is Matt Schaub. I’m not even a Texans fan and that makes me want to drink.
– Demarcus Faggins’ nickname is “Petey”. Petey Faggins sounds like what Peedi Crakk would be known by in the Shire.
– Sure, Mario Williams proved to be a better pick than Reggie Bush, but is he encouraging kids to get out and play at least an hour a day? No? Good. Nothing’s funnier than a fatass kid.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 7.5 Wins

Verdict: OVER

They finished .500 last year and nothing leads me to believe they won’t improve if they get a full season out of Andre Johnson. Other than that, uh…you wanna fill me in, Texans fans? Hello? (Taps mouse) Hello?


INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

Five Fast Facts About The Colts:
– The 2008 season will be Tony Dungy’s last as a head coach. But his first as a Vanessa Redgrave-themed transvestite.
– Marvin Harrison should be able to bounce back from injury. Dwight Freeney, however, will try to spin his way back with grim results.
– With the passing of Sean Taylor, Bob Sanders becomes assumes the lofty mantel of third best safety in the NFL.
– Just what sort of extra virulent strain of retardery inflicts the average Colts fan? Here’s a clue.
– Dominic Rhodes is happy to be back in Indy where he only has to suck on 3rd down.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 11 Wins

Verdict: OVER

Even with questions surrounding Pey-Pey’s health and the efficacy of MarHar coming off an injury and a shooting spree, the Colts should be good for their usual 13 or so wins capped by a home playoff loss. But who will it come against? The Chargers like last year? The Steelers (against whom they’re 0-5 all-time in the playoffs)? Or will some dark horse team rise up and knock them off in embarrassing fashion? The suspense, it kills me.


JACKSONVILLE JIGGYWIRES

Five Fast Facts About The Jiggywires:
– I’m pretty sure that goatee is made of the aluminum powder often found in Etch-a-Sketches.
– If it is indeed aluminum powder, Matt Jones would like to snort it in the back seat of his friend’s car.
– If Silky Garrard doesn’t watch out, Cleo Lemon might just up and snatch one from his stable if he’s not careful.
– Stout off-season acquisitions Jerry Porter and Troy Williamson are already being slowed by injury. Hopefully they can return to 100 percent mediocre by the start of the season.
– When Jack Del Rio goes fishing, he hooks his line with gummi worms to catch Swedish fish. He’s been successful in this endeavor at least three times.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008:
10 Wins

Verdict: OVER

Jack “Of The River” is a fuckstick of the highest order, but the Jags made strides at the end of last year. Over the off-season, they stupidly threw a lot of money at disappointing receivers, while a homegrown dfisappointing receiver was getting in some trouble. As long as the MJD-Fred Taylor combo holds up, that should be able to mask the fact that David Garrard isn’t very good.

TENNESSEE TITANS

Five Fast Facts About The Titans:
– This year, the Titans plan to be the first team in NFL history to employ the five tight end set.
– Lendale White was the inspiration for the X-Men villain Mojo.
– Tight end Alge Crumpler is happy to finally be matched up with a run-first quarterback with an inaccurate arm.
– Tennessee, if you’ll recall, is full of snitches.
– Justin Gage doesn’t like that his last name is outdated slang for marijuana. So he smokes a lot of weed to take his mind off it.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008:
8 Wins

Verdict: UNDER

Probably a good enough team to finish above .500 in most divisions, but the AFC South is a toughie and somebody needs to take a step back. What better team than the one with no discernible passing game?