It’s a Hard Knocks Life, Starring Disappointingly Real-Life Wade and Jerry
Yeah, that’s right: I’ve got HBO, bitches. Follow along for thoughts on last night’s season premiere of Hard Knocks, starring the Dallas Cowboys.
- Opening sequence: close-up on Tony Romo. WHERE’S JESSICA????? SHOW US JESSICA!!!!!
- The first “character” we get is tight end Jason Witten. He doesn’t like changing diapers. They show his wife. Quick! Judge her attractiveness, or the Internet will collapse!
- Romo spent the offseason teaching football in his Wisconsin hometown. Tips included footwork and how to blow a gimme playoff win by fucking up an extra point.
- And just like that, footage of the last two Cowboys playoff losses. Mmmmm, that’s delicious. Hold on, I gotta replay the Jordan Babineaux tackle.
- Jerry Jones addresses the team. There is a disappointing lack of shouting YEEEHAW and TIX-ASS.
- We’re ten minutes into the show, and I’d be bored out of my mind if I weren’t typing non-stop. This is the only show on television that needs commercials.
- Minute 14: Pacman Jones! Pacman’s special skill is catching and holding on to six balls all at once, something he learned while playing with Vince Young, who prefers to do it shirtless.
- Wade Phillips in a dri-fit t-shirt that hugs all the wrong places: there goes any chance of peaceful dreams tonight.
- Wade Phillips in a polo shirt that hugs all the wrong places: I see a theme developing here. For the love of God, someone get that man a XXXL or a muumuu or a king-size bed sheet. Anything that doesn’t cling to the underside of his bitch tits.
- In a not-at-all staged bit of rookie hazing, DeMarcus Ware pretends to show top draft pick Felix Jones the ropes, positioning him below Pacman’s window. Pacman dumps a trash can full of semen and dollar bills on Jones. Well, not really. It was water. But I like my version better.
- Lordy mercy! There was an earthquake at the ‘Boys training camp! It leads Jason Garrett to tell a joke. How do I know? Garrett: “That was a joke. Kidding.”
- T.O. wears sunglasses during his “confessional” interview, held indoors. Of course. He also unveils a line of t-shirts with such slogans as “iLove,” “iScore,” “iPractice,” “iBlock,” and so on. They’re a big hit with his teammates, who purchase them for one cock-sucking apiece.
- Highlight of the show so far: the rookies have to sing into “microphones” made of bananas with two plums attached at the base. It looks like genitalia!!!! ROFLOLZ!
- After a bad day at practice, rookie RB Keon Lattimore calls his big brother for support. SHOCKING TWIST: his big brother is Ray Lewis. Ray-Ray offers some tough love, tells Keon to “stay on your Bible, stay on your prayers,” and “by all means, lawyer up if you help your friends murder two people.”
- Day 9 of camp: Tony Romo arrives at practice to adoring fans. WHERE’S JESSICA???? SHOW US JESSICA!!!!
- Wade Phillips to the team: “You know, I don’t have a lot of rules, but at [Secondary] Coach [Dave] Campo’s request, I’m making a rule that you can’t pull down coaches’ pants any more.” Drew’s incorporating that into a Wade and Jerry post as we speak.
- The Cowboys have a strict no-hitting policy to keep players fresh for the regular season. Roy Williams does everything he can to ignore it. Kind of like the horse collar rule, or playing adequate pass coverage.
- Holy shit, say what you will about Jason Garrett being a Princeton nancy boy, his brother John — the tight ends coach — has a haircut straight out of The Great Gatsby. How does one maintain such a fine wave in one’s imperial Aryan hair, Master Garrett?
- The only two Cowboys on the roster with Super Bowl rings are Brad Johnson, who was so good he backed up Trent Dilfer in Tampa Bay [Edit: commenter goto11 notes that this is incorrect. We don't particularly regret the error], and a young receiver named Todd Lowber, who was on the Giants’ practice squad last year. Really? They give rings to the practice squad guys? Aw, that’s sweet.
Final verdict: not exactly compelling television, but an interesting look at training camp. Sure as shit better than a preseason game. Perhaps a decent Wednesday night foil to Project Runway. If Suede (this fuckface) doesn’t stop speaking in the third person, I’m going to personally head over to Fashion Avenue to cut his abdomen to ribbons and hang him with his own intestines.
Tags: captain caveman, dallas cowboys, Hard Knocks
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August 7th, 2008 at 9:09 am
one cock sucking a piece isnt that bad of a price for a tshirt.
August 7th, 2008 at 9:14 am
Project Runway? I figured you were more of a Shear Genius type of guy.
And did I miss the Favre mention in this post?
August 7th, 2008 at 9:15 am
Project Runway? I figured you were more of a Shear Genius type of guy.
Also, did I miss the Favre mention in this post?
August 7th, 2008 at 9:20 am
As a Cowboys fan I give this two Whistlin’ Ray cap pistols up.
As an aside, Tony Romo and his bimbo G/F can KMA. For the life of me I could NEVER, EVER imagine Roger Staubach or Troy Aikman jetting off to Cabo in the middle of the playoffs. I don’t care what TL or Jimmy Johnson said to do.
It’s called focus. Look at hockey players during the Stanley Cup run. They do something together, whether it’s not shaving or not bathing or whatever. But they do NOT take a team trip to another country.
August 7th, 2008 at 9:37 am
Its football, comcast cable charges extra for nfl network, my roomate is cheap. therefore I shall watch. I noted the following:
1. Marion barber moves up my fantasy draft board 2 spots based solely on that hit.
2. I wants me a “i love me some me” t-shirt.
3. I hates me some roy williams, and I love the guy bragging about how many tackles horse-collar Roy made. Yeah, you’ll make alot of tackles when the guy catches the ball in front of you or beats on almost every play. Jackass.
August 7th, 2008 at 9:38 am
It’s pretty sad that TO has to suck their cock so they’ll wear his t-shirts. Yet, Troy Aikman never gave anything away when he sucked cock.
“Cowboys have a strict no-hitting policy” but cat fights are encouraged.
“lawyer up if you help your friends murder two people” that’s the advice my grandfather gave to me on his deathbed. That and to make sure the hooker doesn’t have any razor blades in her mouth before getting a hummer.
August 7th, 2008 at 9:39 am
I am disappointed Jerry and Pacman did not conduct their interviews from the Million Dollar Saloon.
August 7th, 2008 at 9:39 am
But what about Brett Favre?
August 7th, 2008 at 9:40 am
1. Marion barber moves up my fantasy draft board 2 spots based solely on that hit.
Ditto.
August 7th, 2008 at 9:44 am
Watching the real life Wade and Jerry show made me appreciate all the more the non-stop comedy that is the Ol’ Double J and Fucktits.
Pacman ain’t down wid real lif.
August 7th, 2008 at 9:55 am
the best part was when Suede, talking as ever in the third person, said he had to “work some Suede into this garment.” And i was like “Hey now, that material isn’t suede, that’s some sort of cotton twill,” and realized that he was a completely imaginary construct, like the Easter Bunny or Miami Dolphns Quarterback, fabricated by the show to make things ‘more interesting’ because nobody could possibly be this shit-smearingly annoying. Then i remembered I left my balls at work in a jar on my desk because I was watching project runway and realized it was going to take Dougery all morning to sew Dougery’s balls back on.
August 7th, 2008 at 10:18 am
Pacman says woot woot, we takin dis bitch ta Sizzler.
August 7th, 2008 at 10:24 am
how to blow a gimme playoff win by fucking up an extra point.
I hope this was intentional. Rather than taunting accurately, it would probably be even more fun to taunt obnoxious blow-hard douchebag fanbases inaccurately. For instance, “17-1!” What’s Tommy going to say to that? “Ahctually, we whon 18 befah we choked in the fawhkin Super Bowl you qeearh!”?
August 7th, 2008 at 10:24 am
Honestly, I was trying to pay real attention to these two posts, but the Brazilian synch swimmer twins in the With Leather link below on the home page took my attention. Jeepers H. Crackers.
August 7th, 2008 at 10:25 am
Too bad they didn’t have this show when Haley was with the team.
“Where’s my iJack shirt?”
August 7th, 2008 at 10:25 am
I enjoyed it. Pre-season training camp is much more fun to watch than participate in. Aahhh reminds me of my highschool days… wait, high school sucked. This show sucked!!
August 7th, 2008 at 10:29 am
Honestly, I was trying to pay real attention to these two posts, but the Brazilian synch swimmer twins in the With Leather link below on the home page took my attention. Jeepers H. Crackers.
No doubt! Charles Haley joke here: ____________!11!!!!
August 7th, 2008 at 10:33 am
Where oh where is Tommy from Quinzee to rail ad infinitum (FACK!) about this television travesty?
August 7th, 2008 at 10:34 am
@Shinons…
Seriously, after perusing the twin’s gallery of boner fuel, poor Amanda Beard’s picture starts to look like an aborted David Bowie album cover from the mid-70’s.
August 7th, 2008 at 10:41 am
Brad Johnson did not back up Trent Dilfer; they have never been on the same team together. Johnson was pulled in 2004 in favor of Chris Simms. I’ll let you decide which is worse.
August 7th, 2008 at 10:41 am
Barber’s hit was the highlight of the show. That and the realization that Drew’s portrayal of Jason Garrett is pretty much spot-on.
August 7th, 2008 at 10:48 am
Barber’s hit was the highlight of the show.
Yep. And they knew it. I was reaching for the TiVo remote to replay that in slo-mo, but the show’s editors knew what we needed.
The only thing missing was Chris Tucker doing the play-by-play as Smokey.
August 7th, 2008 at 10:52 am
The other surprise of the show — the sneak peak at the withered shell of Papa Garrett. I hope he makes an appearance as Jason’s Yoda this year.
August 7th, 2008 at 10:58 am
Is it me, or does the picture of T.O. look like mid-70’s-era Isaac Hayes?
/No one can stop Truck Turner
August 7th, 2008 at 11:06 am
+ eleventy for the Truck Turner reference
Personally, I was stunned to see him still wearing those shades. Every time I see him in those, all I can hear are his post-playoffs sobs. “The tears just won’t stop!”
August 7th, 2008 at 11:17 am
HBO wouldn’t pick up “Mad Men,” but they’ll pick up a bunch of really white dudes bossing around a gaggle of semi-moronic overgrown children in shoulderpads. THAT’S GRIPPING TELEVISION.
August 7th, 2008 at 11:22 am
Ah Brazil…is there any downside to vacationing there? Besides of course the drug lords, gang violence, and occasional kidney thefts.
August 7th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Yeah, now every time I see JJ and he doesn’t scream “YEEEEHAWWW, I AM FUCKIN’ CRAZY!!!!” I’m disappointed.
RE porky1 Says:
“Is it me, or does the picture of T.O. look like mid-70’s-era Isaac Hayes?”
No, you’re not the only one.
August 7th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
I refuse to watch this because the reality of it sucks. I want my crazy Double J and Fatty Wade stay pure in my eyes.
I too thought that was Isaac Hayes at first and thought, well that will be an interesting twist.
August 7th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
[...] premiere episode of HBO’s Hard Knocks? Me, too. Thankfully, and adult-languagey, Kissing Suzy Kolber has a recap. Leave a [...]
August 7th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
As a Cowboys fan, this would be cool to see their life turing training camp, but since I want to see football and not watch guys practice (We’re talkin’ ’bout practice maaan, practice), I think I’ll pass. But I will be attempting to get MBIII in our draft in a few weeks.
BRING ON DA FOOZBAWL!!!!!
August 7th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
Can anyone explain to me how Chris Simms ever got a job as QB at any level? He sucked at Texas and he’s never done anything in the pros. WTF??
August 7th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
@ Otto Man, porky1
Fuckin’-A, score on the “Truck Turner” reference. Isaac Hayes and Yaphet Kotto- That’s Top Notch. Now I’ll see if I can work in a “Hell Up in Harlem” reference here.
August 7th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
@porky1
Pacman says woot woot, we takin dis bitch ta Sizzler.
One of my faves. Use it frequently. Freaks out my non-KSK friends.
/SizzlAr
August 8th, 2008 at 1:57 am
Sweet Jesus. What insane degenerate thought it’d be funny to pull down Wade’s pants?
That’s quite likely the single most hideous thing I’ve ever imagined. Other than the thought of Charles Haley wanking over Wade as Wade lies on the ground in the foetal position, crying with his pants round his ankles.
August 8th, 2008 at 9:53 am
Maybe next week they can make it more entertaining and let ol’ Double-J carry around a shotgun or pick-axe on field. It would also be great to see him brand that butter cow Wade. A man can dream.
August 9th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
http://www.hbo.com/hardknocks/ for those who have not seen it.