I Shall Crimson Your Face In A Hue Not Unlike My Togs
At last, head fieldmaster “Gentleman” Mike Nolan has named me, J.T. of the family O’Sullivan, the starting quartered-back of the San Francisco Footballing Fourtyniners. No doubt that he was swayed by the best slugging arm this side of the Northwest Territory.
Top of the world, ma!
Blithely and skillfully did I upend the inimical roustabout Alex Smith from his prized station. Having weathered a few haymakers, some more pepperpots and the old calaboose did the lumbering giant go down, rendering him a pile of bustable materials. Back to the train yards with you, good sir.
Now quartered-backing is the bailiwick of J.T. O’Sullivan. I am proven suitable at commanding a squad of able-bodied marauders. Together we will sock our opponents in the area of their visage until such point that their verticality is compromised.
Ho!
My boisterous nature got the better of me, as it is wont to do. The scourge of vainglory is known to inflict men of great stature ever and anon, and inflict it has this great O’Sullivan. These bouts are often cured by beating myself about the face. In fact, let me quell this on the spot.
And… wait, whoa there!
You, halfbacking fellow, why do you appear beset by panic? What news this day?
The opposing teams have been permitted to wear masks of metal over their facial areas? How then are the haymakers to connect? This bedeviling product of flimflammery has thrown the proverbial pandawrench into the gears of the great footballing machine! This age of industry is not the great boon that the newspapers say.
No matter. Haymakers will be thrown. The scion of industry will be bested, along with the foes of the Fourtyniners. No obstacle will stop us from traversing long units of measurement en route to pummeling their offspring and womenfolk.
Ah, there is the vainglory again. We must remedy this at once!
And one aaand -
Ouf.
Aaaaaahhhhhhh
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August 26th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
I thought Weintraub had been banished from the interwebs.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
I thought it was awesome, Ape.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Careful Krusty, he’s Irish!
August 26th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
You improvident lackwits! Putting an Irishman at the helm of your questionable squadron of footballers? Humbug! Don’t you know those people are wont to drink, brawl and fornicate in a manner like the ape? What’s next? A Spaniard for a line-backing man? Pish Posh!
And you, attendant! Refuel my automobile with petroleum distilate and re-vulcanize my tires. Post-Haste!
August 26th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
I thought Weintraub had been banished from the interwebs.
Well, that didn’t take long. We had a side bet for who would be the first dickhead to make the comparison. Congratulations, you gave today’s least inspired comment!
August 26th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
The line is Itchy, Maj.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
It’s like if House of Pain were actually from the 19th century.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
J.T. O’Sullivan has to be his stage name
August 26th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Bully!
August 26th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
didnt we decide in a commenter draft that irish-american cinema sucked? well so does this.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
What’s a perverb?
August 26th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Lookit the size of those vocabulary words. CLEARLY compensating for something.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
@The Gooch
It’s either a sloppy typo by me or the proverbial pervert. I prefer the latter.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Let’s hope the potato famine doesn’t effect his play on the field.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
@Christmas Ape
Love it. Let’s throw that bad boy up on urbandictionary.com and make it official.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
I DO NOT LIKE THIS! THIS IS A CLEAR VIOLATION OF QUENSBERRY RULES!
/late night with granny conanny
August 26th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
There once was a man named O’Doole
Who found red spots on his tool
His doctor, a cynic, said ‘Get out of me clinic’
‘And wash off that lipstick, you fool!’
August 26th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
@X-Mas Ape: I thought a perverb was a molesting verb.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
+1 for the “Newsies” reference.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
This was way better than that shitty “Far and Away” movie Tom Cruise made back in the early 1990’s
August 26th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Boil me buttons if he should come to fisticuffs with R Dubya McQuarters!
…please turn off my commenting privileges.
August 26th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
T. Herman Zweibel approves.
August 26th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
There once was a pro from Kent
On her all my money was spent
One night I failed to pay, for a quick little lay
And that’s why my pecker is bent!
August 26th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
brilliant. im laughing my ass off. the picture reminded me of that one old timer from ready to rumble boxing on nintendo 64
August 26th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
There once was a man named Doheeney
Who spilled some gin on his weenie
Not being uncouth, he added vermouth
And slipped his colleen a Martini!
August 26th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
“These bouts are often cured by beating myself about the face”
AWESOME. As a fellow Irishman I concur, nothing like beating my self about the face when something need a good correcting!
August 26th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
God Damnit…
<—Reminded of family gatherings
August 26th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Tis true…I took many a lump! But twas all in good fun.
August 26th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Quick Quiz: Name any Denis Leary act/movie/show in which he DOESN’T mention Irishness or Irish heritage.
August 26th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
holy shit that was funny.
August 26th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Bully for Master O’Sullivan! Although it will certainly divert attention from his profitable and promising dual trade as carnival strongman and part-time phrenologist, it is a testimony to the fighting spirit of our oft-detested Irish emigrants. May they melt into our great American stewing pot until such time as all of their questionable genetic distinction and violent manner are cleansed by the righteous whitewash of Yankee know-how. Hear hear for Master O’Sullivan, and hear hear for President McKinley! Remember to cast your ballot for four more years of the full dinner pail!
August 26th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
what are you doing man? that’s carl!
/mr. burns’d
August 26th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Speaking of Phrenology, it is quite scientifically clear that a typical Irishman’s cranial-bumpage qualifies him, at best, for blacksmithy work or as a carriage-handler or porter.
August 26th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
(door is wretched ajar most forcibly)
August 26th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
“This book must be out of date. I don’t see Prussia, Siam or auto-gyro!”
August 26th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
YES. WANT. MORE.
August 26th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
After this post, it would be pretty funny if it turns out J.T. is blood-related to John L. Sullivan. As a Niners fan myself, I’m just incredibly happy that Alex Smith isn’t our starting QB anymore. O’Sullivan has never started a single NFL game ever? YEAH! BRING IT! – he’s still not small-hands Smith.
Avoid any teams led by a QB named Corbett and we’ll be cool.
August 26th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
If the 49ers get a WR named Dempsey, they’re in business.
August 26th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
needs more comeuppance
August 26th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
Fustigation aside, he runs like a Welshman.
August 26th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
The Irish mob of San Francisco is going to fix the Super Bowl this yea….. oh fuck it, nevermind.
August 26th, 2008 at 7:11 pm
Protective padding? Bosh! Flimshaw!
August 26th, 2008 at 8:33 pm
O’Sullivan? This man has the boorish countenance of a Scotsman!
Truly this is our champion. He has already given that gadabout Chicago clan their comeuppance.
http://www.conanvsbear.com/pictures/big/big_180.gif
August 26th, 2008 at 10:12 pm
Put Al “Strangler” Lewis at wideout and you got yourself a squadron.
[/23 skidoo]
August 28th, 2008 at 11:09 pm
Excellent post, I laughed out loud.