08.05.08
I’m Sorry, But My Gorgeous Throbbing Arm Is Only Serving As A Distraction Here
I’m sorry, Jerry Angelo.
I know I told you back in March that I wanted to retire this arm. I know this arm has been shoulder-blade deep in some of the hottest pussy east of the Mississippi, but I thought it was high time for me to pack it in. I love throwing deep posts. It’s in my blood, which courses constantly through my engorged phallic sacs. But I wasn’t ready for the mental commitment necessary this year. I was tired. I wasn’t ready to for the difficult mental task of having woman after woman drench their panties with sweet ladymilk after watching me heave one downfield to Rashied Davis on 3rd and 37.
I wasn’t sure I wanted to go through with it.
But a funny thing happened. My fourth wife came up to me in June. And she said to me, “Rex, you’re a cumslinger. You need to go sling some cum, and get my gash gushin’.” Then I talked to my 33 illegitimate children scattered around the globe. And they all said the same thing to me, albeit in different languages and dialects. “Daddy,” they said, or papa, “Daddy, we want to see your dragon spit hot fire.”
And I realized: I can’t walk away from that, Jerry Angelo. It’s just so. Fucking. Hot.
Now, I know you committed to Kyle Orton being the starter here when I made my decision. I understand that. I also understand the potentially devastating flood of both media attention and smegma my decision will cause. I know this puts you in a tight spot. And I sure as hell mean no disrepect to Kyle Orton. I spent two weeks in Brazil with that guy, two weeks I will never, ever remember. I acquired auto-immune diseases that hadn’t even been invented yet. He’s a good fucker.
I’m sorry about all the attention this huge QB controversy has caused. I know there’s a 2PM SportsCenter special on right now chronicling my next move. What is Rex REALLY thinking? Does he want to be traded? Has his plane landed yet? Did he bang the stewardess while she sat on top of the sanitary napkin dispenser? (Quick answer: yes) I saw Erin Andrews wearing a sundress around here earlier. God dammit, she is fucking HOT. She touched the back of my head when she talked to me. She fucking wants it. I’m gonna throw the ball in front of her so hard, she’ll tear a pelvic floor muscle. And I don’t give a shit what Mariotti thinks of that.
I think the best thing here is for us to go our separate ways. I don’t want to make this difficult. I know you face a huge amount of scrutiny no matter what you do, and I’ll be doing a whole lotta screwtinizing no matter where I go. But let’s end the stiffmate now. Release me. Or trade me to a contender. Like the Packers. I’d love to bust a hole in some backwater Wisconsin tail. Lotta guys don’t go for the fat ladies. But I’m not afraid. It’s more exciting than white water rafting.
I can’t stay here as the backup. You know that. You saw those five people that were waiting at the airport for me, all of whom I paid to be there. They won’t stand for me being the backup. They already have sites up, like bringbackthearmfucker.com. You won’t be able to stand the pressure. Shit, the only reason I’m here is because Roger Goodell reinstated me after I told him I wouldn’t bang anyone else on the team training staff (I lied. Gimme more sweet assistant trainer ass please.). We can’t have an open competition here. Once I open up this arm, you’re gonna have one cum-soaked field.
Let’s just agree to part ways here. Stories have been planted. Words have been said. Buttholes have been fisted with dishwasher gloves. It can’t ever be like it was.
Time for me to sling my cum somewhere else.
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2010/07/images-1-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2010/07/peterking1-450x600-150x150.jpg)
August 5th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
“Pelvic Floor Muscle”. Excellent. Ufford busted a “Xiphoid Process” reference a while back. Who next in the anatomic references draft? We’re looking at you, Ape.
August 5th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
He slings cum purely for the love of the game.
He’s a cumpetitor.
August 5th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Wendy Nix is following him everywhere. She must really want the dragon’s heat.
August 5th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
fist first
August 5th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
The Bears should have drafted Matt Flynn. PACKERS TO THE SUPER BOWL!
August 5th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
He looks like he’s having so much fun out there, slingin’ cum like one of the guys.
August 5th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
He wants a trade to Dallas. That way he can sling some cum at the starting qb’s girl while practicing his Haley technique in the locker room.
August 5th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
who slings more cum: charles haley or the sex cannon?
August 5th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
Drew
August 5th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
But does Rexy fling it at his linemen like Haley, or at the women?
August 5th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
At everybody.
August 5th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
@UM: In Dallas, the QBs are the cum catchers, not cumslingers.
And +1 for “Haley technique”
August 5th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
Am I the only one who immediately tried to go to bringbackthearmfucker.com?
August 5th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
shoulderblade deep
It’s the mental images that make Drew stand out.
August 5th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
I’m waiting for the Haley’s Comet reference.
August 5th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
The Sex Cannon posts are pure gold!
August 5th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Half the women in Chicago are weeping, the other half are entering their third trimester.
August 5th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Who’s cum hangs in the air longer? Rextasy’s or Marmalard’s?
August 5th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
@ Otto Man
How ’bout “Haley’s Comets come more often than every 86 years”?
August 5th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
“SCREWTINIZING”
I lost it on that one. God bless you Drew. Viva el Cumslinger!
August 5th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
4.5 throwgasms.
August 5th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
they showed sexy rexy on the news in chicago yesterday. he was talking about throwing it hard each and every day. somehow, i predicted a sex cannon post today on ksk. and my panties are soaked.
August 5th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Emo Eagles, Tommy, Double JJ and now the cumslinger makes an apearance here at KSK. Great fucking day.
August 5th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
My god I missed the Sexy Rexy posts.
“on 3rd and 37″
Ha!
August 5th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Factual error: Fucking fat chicks is definitely not funner than whitewater rafting.
(insert joke about the fat chick being used as a raft here)
August 5th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
What do fucking fat chicks and riding a moped have in common?
They’re both fun until someone sees you.
August 5th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
Return of the Cumslinger! that is awesome
August 5th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
rex will have his hands full of slumpbusters this season.
August 5th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
Sexy Tuesday, comin’ at ya! Shooting love in your direction.
August 5th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
not sure about it being funner than whitewater, but it is wetter
August 5th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
I’m just sad that we missed Rex Grossman Day for the year.
August 5th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
Ah, that was gooood.
/lights up smoke
You know, they say Rex’s idol was Peter North.
August 5th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
Not Peter King.
August 5th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
I’d been praying for a sexy rexy post. Some of the older ones are just too funny.
August 5th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
Drew needs to go on vacation more often. He comes back with pure gold.
August 5th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
Damnit…I started chuckling at “shoulder-blade deep” and never stopped. Fuck, did I need that lil’ bit of allegory today. Thanks, Drew.
August 5th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
Sex Cannon’s favorite song? Tool’s “Stinkfist”
August 5th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
Drew didn’t go on vacation, he went to “Image-Enhancement Camp” in backwater Wisconsin.
August 5th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
Man I missed these, and lord I hope Orton doesn’t start, even though Rex is already getting booed at practice. Enjoy it Bear’s fan meatballs, and prepare yourself for a horrible Chad Hutchinson type of season (and yet another year of realizing the backup quarterback is not the savior), the sexy one may have had his problems but at least for those games where he looked good (read: September 2006 and a couple other games that year) he was the closest thing most Bears fans will see to a capable quarterback that was at least exciting to watch. Boo!! to the impending barrage of 3rd and 15 screen passes we will be seeing for the next year with a Kyle Orton led offense Boo!!! to them Sirs and Madams.
/crying on the inside because I realize I may never see a capable Bear’s passing game.
August 5th, 2008 at 6:09 pm
My only regret was not stealing the Rex Grossman Blvd. sign before I graduated from IU
August 5th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
‘I’d love to bust a hole in some backwater Wisconsin tail.’ THAT’S where the tears of laughter blurred my vision and I had to stop reading. Fucking great!
/needed that
August 5th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
God bless the Sex Cannon
August 5th, 2008 at 6:20 pm
!Viva la Sex Cannon! Viva la Cumslinger!
Sexy Rexy does it for the ladies. And the stat lines of opposing defenses.
August 5th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
I love the “allegories” tag, and hope it leads to Kitna & Kurt exploring Narnia.
August 5th, 2008 at 7:12 pm
This post made my fucking week. When I’m at the bar and I realize the only women receptive to my game are fat chicks (again), I’m immediatly going to think about whitewater rafting.
Viva el Cumslinger!
August 5th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
@El Duke
Amen brother.
Speaking of which, why doesn’t KSK have it’s own store? You could sell “Viva el cumslinger!” t-shirts, “Ya betta ask somebodaaaaaayyy!” hoodies, “*door flies open*” welcome mats, “Pacman down wid it” booty shorts… The opportunities are endless! I for one would buy a blue shirt with “Pey-Pey” over the number 18. I’m sure you could find Giants fans willing to buy “Elisha” shirts.
August 5th, 2008 at 9:49 pm
@Shinons:
“he continued his winning ways at the University of Florida, where he led the Gators to an SEC Championship and a birth in the 2000 Sugar Bowl”
The typo there is that he caused more than just one birth at UF.
August 5th, 2008 at 11:25 pm
THAT POST WAS IMMORTAL!
/Favre can go fuck himself
//i had to look up “smegma”
August 6th, 2008 at 12:25 am
Dude- you totally ripped off luolsdong on the Rex-Favre joke. They’ve been milking that for 2 weeks…
August 6th, 2008 at 7:05 am
You can’t rip something off if you’ve never fucking heard of it.
August 6th, 2008 at 7:38 am
Sammo, I used the phrase “milking it” in a meeting three days ago. You totally ripped that off from me.
August 6th, 2008 at 10:07 am
If we’re going to have a Hester-Defense reliant season, the least I can ask for on offense is the chance to see Rex throw lasers to Saturn.
August 6th, 2008 at 10:08 am
(Saturn is a code word for the safety position)
August 6th, 2008 at 11:33 am
Just when I was reminiscing about El Cumslinger, you create this milky goodness. Thanks BDD, this definitely made my week.
VIVA LA REVOLUCION!
VIVA EL CUMSLINGER!!!
August 6th, 2008 at 11:56 am
“But let’s end the stiffmate now.”
Pure gold.
August 6th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
wow beauty of a post
June 5th, 2010 at 11:37 pm
I’ve been meditating on the exact same thing myself recently. Glad to see someone on the same wavelength! Nice article.