The news today, besides John McCain picking some Alaskan woman as his veep (We get to blame women for spoiling the election! Everything that goes wrong the next four years will be their fault!), is that Chad Johnson has legally changed his last name to Ocho Cinco. Because he’s 17 different kinds of cray-cray.
However, wacky names are no longer solely the providence of hippies, celebrities and the generally coke-addled, because you – yes you, generically named reader – get to pick an amusing sounding but totally nonsensical appellation. For life!
This, the final commenter draft of the off-season, is dedicated to what name you would legally change your name to. It can be zany, awesome or it can even be a name already taken by a public figure. Carry out horrific acts and despoil their good name!
My opening pick: Cocknballs Hussein Von Rapesalot
Nobody’s ever mistaking my lunch order again!
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Sir Rocksyur Fukinsoxoff.
Bolt Upright
Carl Wycked
RoboCop McDieHard2. Obviously.
I would just like my legal name to be Papi so that all the lovely ladies in the neighborhood would have to go “good morning papi”
Jefferson Starship
Ernie von Schledorn. He’s real, though, he’s an old Nazi war criminal (I assume) who sells Volkswagens in Milwaukee.
either my porn name, Clint Taurus
or
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Ron Mexico Jeremy
David Michael Penisjoke.
In honor of former Pittsburgh Pirate outfielder–look it up–
Johnny Dickshot II
Nobody took Randy Coxman? Or am I just old…..?
Sheesh….
Dick Cock Boner Penis Prick Dong
get it?
Angel Matos Norris – The Peoples’ Roundhouse
@Kimbo: +1.
I hate that smug self-righteous Samaranch-sucker.
Dick Pound.
What happened to my 1st comment?
It was Alabama BlackSnake Jenkins
Impaled Pussymonster
Alabama BlackSnake Jenkins
Flint Michigan, race car driver and lover of fine pilsners
I’d like to be called Derek Horseballs
As for the middle name + street name trick …
Andrew Tallwood
(I shit you not.)
Ok, I gotta go with Ron Mexico. Solid.
But if Vick still has the legal rights to that one, we could try a few others:
Myles O. Koch
Dick Lane
Dougie Style
and, my personal favorite, from way back in the day … Lance Goodthrust
Cojones Johnson
From the original Cherokee Dawes Commision Rolls of 1899
Walter Bigmeat
Malcolm Peter Brian Telescope Adrian Umbrella Stand Jasper Wednesday (pops mouth twice) Stoatgobbler John Raw Vegetable (sound effect of horse whinnying) Arthur Norman Michael (blows squeker) Featherstone Smith (blows whistle) Northgot Edwards Harris (fires pistol, which goes ‘whoop’) Mason (chuff-chuff-chuff) Frampton Jones Fruitbat Gilbert (sings) ‘We’ll keep a welcome in the’ (three shots, stops singing) Williams If I Could Walk That Way Jenkin (squeker) Tiger-draws Pratt Thompson (sings) ‘Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head’ Darcy Carter (horn) Pussycat ‘Don’t Sleep In The Subway’ Barton Mannering (hoot, ‘whoop’) Smith.
Gotta go with my porn star name on this one: Sean Lakewood.
Four Dollar Combomeal
Hooray Mywifeisactuallyhornytonight
Spanky Datass…what?
Jeez, both my porn names suck — Lucky Range Road 592, and Stephen 33rd. Curse you, Cartesian numbered street fetishist civil planners!
I’ll take Bill Barylko.
Hank Scorpio all the way.
Dabrickashaw Ferguson, Big Ol’ Nasty Moosedawg – One Man Wrecking Crew.
Felix Wristmissle
I can’t believe no one took Stringfellow Hawk.
Slam Rockingham or
Trent Stillwell, Office Shortstop
Kurt Kustard
or, if I could take names that already exist
Lincoln Hawk
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman
Taliban Jones, Compton Private Eye.
Studly McFistHammer
Punch Rockgroin
Alexander Wendover
My middle name and the street I grew up on… try it
Mike Hunt. Say it youll get it
I can’t belive this one is still on the board – I select:
Dirty Harry
TYRONE SHOELACES IF I WAS AFRICAN AMERICAN
i’ve always been partial to Spicey McHaggis
or Rock McAwesome
Mr. Marisa Miller.
Ray Dee O’Station
Jackie O’Lantern
I would have to go with Ramsey Rod.
Ram Rod for short.
since taking Dr. Tobias Funke would make me suck hard and a pressing need for me as a fucko to get creative, I’ll go with Chazz Magnum, impregnator of plus sized models.
Howie Pheltersnatch
+1 for Doug Tunnels
A) To the people who took names straight from TV/movies – you people suck hard, get creative fuckos
B) I’ll become Dutch Rockledge, P.I. 100% man,
Footsteps Falco
Orenthal McHugeballs-SlippyFist
Jiggle Metimbers
I wouldn’t change my name to this but I went to college with a kid whose legal name was “Muhammad bin Hussein”. Many New Yorkers and Christians did not like him.
Lance Oceanside……..hello?!
Shifty Balzac
Big McLargehuge
Coach Gordon Bombay
@sdbruin – +1 for the princess bride reference that was a kick ass movie back in the day.
Uknowuwan Mycocknballs
Frankenstein “Poppa” Giorgio
@Rocco: Dude have we hung out before? I fit this description of “The General”….except when I drink its more like Dave Chappelles portrayal of the late, great Rick James.
smurf you forgot smegma mcqueeferson
@dick_gozinia: you sir are a mouthful
pretty sure one would be named Lindsey Firecrotch
Johnny Bravo
/just cause I fit the suit
And Pat McCrotch and Ms. Rottencrotch should TOTALLY hook up… would their kids be Stinkette McTwat and Skunky McCum?
In honor of my lawschool roommate, I will take his drunken alter ego – Rooster Cogburn.
Professor Horatio Huffnagel
Guess I’ll go with what I’d always wanted to use as a porn name: Doug Tunnels.
Mr. Captain Breaknstuff Awesomeface
Bob Loblaw.
And yes, I would write a law blog.
@Shane: When my buddy is into a solid night of drinking he is “The General”, leading his troops into battle. He usually puts up a good fight but in the end it’s always the same story. He goes down in a hail of F bombs and passes out on the lawn/bar/floor/wherever.
My friends at the office decided to get in on this we have…
Johnny Na$hinal
Tait Nucleus
The Colonel
and
The Rock N Roll Indian.
Sex Cannon.
/No one believes my name is my real name anyway. I may as well just keep it.
Bruce Leroy.