Sweet sportsblogging Christ, thank fuck a new season is born on Thursday after what seems like a 38-month off-season. Thanks for the occasional momentary diversion March Madness, the Olympics, NBA and NHL Playoffs, and, well, that’s it. Baseball just now starts getting halfway interesting this month. Bad timing, fuckos.
Because, at heart, even before NFL fan fiction writers, Judith Light stalkers and dick joke slingers, we’re fans, here are our Super Bowl picks…
Drew: Indy over Seattle
Ape: San Diego over Dallas
Ufford: New England over Green Bay
Punter: Dallas over New York
(The other KSK writers will add theirs at their discretion)
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AFC: New England > San Diego in the championship game. (LT does his usual vanishing act. Don’t believe me, check his playoff stats for last year)
NFC: Dallas > Seattle. (Hasselback throws a critical return INT for TD to Pacman, er Adam Jones who takes it 77 yards and promptly flips the ball to his new G/F Barbara Walters “She’s cultured n sheit” who he met, ironically, through Elizabeth Hasselback. Adam down wit ‘Da View” except for dat fat bitch Rosie sumpin)
Super Bowl: Adding to the insanity, the halftime “entertainment” will be Jessica Simpson ” singing ” (like what else is she going to do, READ SHAKESPEARE ?). Chris Simms (YES) throws a late TD to Jason Witten (a benched Tony Romo’s best friend) for a 31-30 Cowboy win.
Tank Johnson pulls out a Machine Gun and like a Palestinian on the West Bank lets go on the 50 yard line, firing a whole belt of ammo in celebration. Adam bends Barabara over and TAPS DAT AZZ right there in the stands. Wade Phillips looks more confused in victory than he did in losing last year (or if he was asked to spell ‘pedantic’).
And finally in the ultimate “YE HAW I A FARKING CRAZY !!!!” moment, Jarral Jones announces that Jessica is having HIS love baby and not Romo’s.
After years of hearing his name on NFL broadcasts and in interviews (pre-, post-, whatever…), God will appear to Jon Kitna during a huddle in the third quarter of the Lions’ first game of the season and denounce him. Kitna, not being able to deal with rejection on a cosmic level will right then and there strike a deal with the Devil and the Detroit Lions will win the Super Bowl riding on “The Devil’s Quarterback” cannon over a team helmed by a black coach (pick one, like half the AFC has black coaches).
Then to spite me, both God and the Devil will collaborate in making my life miserable by ensuring I never see a Pro Bowl quarterback from the Honolulu Blue & Silver when during the acceptance of the Lombardi Trophy, helicopters filled with armed feds will decend on the stadium and arrest Kitna as the head of a massive child porn ring.
Turns out those weren’t just missions he was going on over in Thailand and Romania, I guess.
“Seriously? Are you all on drugs? If you are, just say so, it’s okay.”
“Stick a fork in NE; they’re done.”
Don’t cross the streams, Ray.
Seriously? Are you all on drugs? If you are, just say so, it’s okay.
AFC Championship: Indy over San Diego.
Why? Indy and SD are the most talented teams in the conference. Stick a fork in NE; they’re done. Indy over SD because by that point, Shawne Merriman’s knee ligaments should look like the end result of going through a paper shredder, and I don’t trust Philip Rivers to survive a season without an overzealous fan taking him out for talking shit during a game.
AFC Championship: New Orleans over Minnesota
Why? Because fuck Tavaris Jackson, that’s why. Also, I lucked into Purple Jesus in my fantasy league. Also, I have Drew Brees. And I don’t trust anyone else to win shit, especially after Dallas has a mid-season QB change after a 6 game losing streak because everyone wants to kill Romo for making them listen to his girlfriend’s music. Pacman ain’t down wid it, but he gon tracta dat azz anyway.
Gate D over female Jets fans
Chargers over Saints
Whhaaatt? Those stankin’ Pats have many question marks. They going to fold this year, 10-6 at best. Old old players and Brady is due for an off year, and as should be known in the universe, belicheck didn’t start winning till he had brady.
I loove my steelers some shrooms too, I don’t see them as being as weak as everyone thinketh, heck no. Calling it here, AFC championship is where we’ll go…and flip a coin when we get there as for winning it, cuz goddamn Steelers AFC championships always give me heart attacks!
One of these days you have to work in a Stan Humphries – Marmalard reference, I swear that 40 yard pass he threw at the end is still sailing…
I’m thinking Steelers / Boys for the 4th time. We need revenge on Barry Switzer!
Wow, a lot of people think the Vikes are going to make the SB.
I, for one am a non-believer… I think we will be seeing non-stop 3 step drops for 7 yard completions all up and down the field. And no Mckinney for 4 games??? Let’s just say we might be looking at a 1-3 start.
I’m pretty sure Seattle’s best remaining receivers are Nate Burleson and the second string quarterback. Nope, not feeling confident about my team’s chances at all this year. My guess is the Giants return as the NFC representative this year. And they take down Marmalard and the Bolts. And just to piss off Gregg Easterbrook, I’m going to say the score will be 23-10.
Cowboys over Colts in the Super Bowl.
Not gonna justify it, I’m just calling it.
I don’t really have a pick here, but in case you’re one of them compulsive types, let’s say ….
Minnesota over Cleveland
well these are all great superbowl picks… but superbowl XLII.5 ? Cleveland v. Indy. It will be that important.
Porky, I think it has to do with the fact that everyone sees the NFC sucks and they Seahawks have the best QB in the conference, and he’s a battle tested QB. Pick another team in the division and they have a MAJOR flaw.
NFC North
No one has a QB in this division, I think the Packers take the division and Minny gets a WC, but both teams are young and have inexperienced QB.
South
Jeff Garcia is decent, but he lacks the talent around him and the Defense is aging. Drew Brees and Co. win the division, but they don’t have enough offense to overcome that bad D. No one else in this conference is worth mentioning.
East
Cowboys will implode, but take the division. Pacman ain’t down wid da playoffs. I think the Skins will take the other WC, but they don’t have a QB.
South
Brick is right. The Seahawks have 9 guaranteed wins, that spells homefield. As I said they have a good defense and a solid running game. Come playoff time they should have all of their WRs back and healthy and they will be ready to roll over every NFC team.
/definitely not a Seahawks fan, but am a gluesniffer.
And Jesus, a lot of people are high on the Seahawks. Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.
Colts over Vikings
Well, you know, maybe if someone was aiming for WR/WR in the first two rounds and thought he needed a nice tarr leceivel…oh who am I kidding, it’s an awful pick and he should feel awful.
Hines Wald was the first pick in the second round in one of my leagues. My god.
Bengals over Prison Guards
chiefs over falcons….
yeah, i said it
Seahawks over Colts
/Defense the difference.
@Christmas Ape: Seahawks averaged 4.9 ypc rushing as a team, good for 2nd in meaningless preseason stats in the NFL.
New Orleans over (somebody inferior).
Patriots over Seahawks. Everybody else in the AFC has question marks except fah the fackin’ Pats! Dallas hasn’t won a playoff game in the last 3 Summer Olympics, and its a matter of when, not if, that fuckin train derails.
Both of you are so high you shouldn’t even look at pictures of heavy machinery let alone operate it.
Patriots over Eagles with Bellichick and Brady personally going into the stands and executing any journalist they can fine.
Giants over Colts.
You know you want the all-Manning Super Bowl, and the sooner you admit it the better off we’ll all be.
I like that pick, Ape. I guess I missed Norv Turner’s off-season firing.
Seachickens over Pitt in the rematch of the century. YEE HAW I AM FUCKING CRAZY1!1!!!!111111
patriots over colts
wait thats not the superbowl, but espn said so.
Indy over Minny.
I still have faith.
Dallas over Jacksonville, who needs receivers any more?
New Orleans over San Diego
Jets over Packers
/just for shits & grins
New England over Dallas… The Universe will asplode for your halftime viewing pleasure.
Pittsburgh over Green Bay.
Don’t worry everyone, Dallas is gonna lay another turd in the playoffs. Also, the Pack are better off without Favre.
Tampa Bay over Pittsburgh.
Drew, you’re welcome for my numbnuts pick taking the heat off yours.
NFL is back! I’m posting like a madman on my team’s fansite, being called a dumbass and a retard by the other posters (they’re all dumbasses and retards), and generally getting into regular season form. Thanks for the occasional momentary diversion wife and kids, job, and real life.
@Tdub, @Brick and @soybot: When I first saw BDD’s “over Seattle” pick, I spit up my non-Starbucks coffee, too (real men drink Tim Hortons). Obviously BDD mixed some magic mushrooms in with his crack and weed.
As for the running back committee — I’d rather see that than a season full of “run left, hesitate, fall down 2 yards short of the first down”.
/still bitter over Hasselback’s unnecessary roughness penalty
//and still disgusted by every Shawn Alexander “rushing” play since then
Definitely going with Jacksonville over Dallas. David Garrard I just have this gut feeling about. Which usually turns into the complete opposite of what I predicted, and in turn makes me look really stupid.
With the Giants and Packers looking fucked, I don’t know who can beat Dallas in the NFC. Not very high on Seattle (sorry if I’m not sold on the RB trio of Julius Jones, Maurice Morris and TJ Duckett – 1.9 ypc in the preseason) and the Saints are a little questionable at this point.
There is no way in hell Dallas will be in the Superbowl. Like, truly. No way. Romo is the playoffs bitch to end all playoffs bitches, and until Umenyiora got hurt I actually didn’t even think Dallas would win the division. I vote Seattle as the NFC rep as well, although I actually think the Panthers are going to be better than most would expect this year.
As for the AFC? Well. Heh. Obviously calling my Patriots for that one.
At this time next week, we will all be settling in to watch football. Saints be praised! Not the New Orleans Saints, though. Those guys suck.
I’m going with Jacksonville over New Orleans in SB 43.
I dont know why, just have a feeling that this is the year for Garrard and the gang….
Ape, I hope your jinxing power is strong, since the world might cave in on itself if Marmalard wins a SB.
/Happy Birthday
@ Dr. Soybot
Don’t start getting all high an’ mighty about it. Who the fuck else is going to win the NFC?
And don’t say Dallas. Two Words: Wade. Phillips.
I sure as shit know my ‘Skins aint doing squat.
um… seattle?
Dallas Cowboys over Ohio State Buckeyes 86-0
When you are Seattle and you get 2 against San Fran, Ari, and STL plus get to play Buf, Mia and NYJ, that 9 wins right there, if you don’t get homefield you should be ashamed.
Now I have no confidence in them past that, but they have that 12th man (very original Seattle), so they at least have that going for them.
Seattle, eh? The Offseason blues must be seeping into the reasoning hemisphere of your brain.
Thank Jeebus for fantasy drafts, else I may thrust myself over the balcony this week.