Eleven Fantasy Players I F—king Hate Already
Due to multiple annoying circumstances, I only just now got around to cramming for the two fantasy drafts I have next week. And after pouring through various annuals, all of which are now dated, trolling the Fantasy Football Café forums (Sample forum topic title: “SELVIN YOUNG???????”), and listening to any number of annoying podcasts (ever hear ESPN’s Fantasy Focus podcast? Don’t.), I have come to one startling conclusion about the players in this year’s draft:
I hate them all.
Apart from Tomlinson, every player here that positively bursts with the potential to fuck you raw. The list of players that shat their pants last year is incredibly robust: Bulger, LJ, Rudi, FUCKING LEE EVANS. Oh, how I loooooathe you, Lee Evans. You eat shit, young man. EAT A POUND OF SHIT.
Usually, any given year, you look at the list of players and, for no rational reason, a few guys look appealing. “Ooooh, Josh Reed! I bet he’ll be AWESOME!” But this year, I look and I just want to fall off a ledge. Earnest Graham? Really? I have to consider that asshole? Jesus.
With that in mind, here are eleven players that I just know, in my heart of hearts, will manage to screw me whether I draft them or not.
Peyton Manning: If this really is the year that both Tom Brady and Peyton Manning miss significant time with injury (fingers crossed!), it’s not gonna be nice and cut-and-dried. No, both of these assholes will invariably gut it out, staggering onto the field for every game, and calling 500 surprise draws on 3rd and goal from the four yard line. Then you’ll see headlines like “MANNING THROWS FOR 90 YARDS AND 1 INT IN BRAVE DISPLAY OF LEADERSHIP”. But you can’t NOT start Manning. He’s Manning! ARRRGGHHHH I hate that shit.
Ben Roethlisberger: Did he really throw 32 TD’s last year? I’m shocked he threw 32 TIMES. That’s not happening again. OR IS IT? See? I‘m annoyed already.
Brian Westbrook: “Hi! Just to let you know, I’m going to spend all my time this year being downgraded from Questionable to Doubtful on Saturday, only to run and catch for 100 yards each the next day! Then, the next week, I’ll find a new, hidden, surprise nagging injury that really will keep me out, even though it’s the one week I’m not on the injury report!” Fuck you, you bastard. I’ve never met anyone from Villanofun worth liking.
Frank Gore: With Mike Martz in town, you two get to be overrated together! I’m also excited about the prospect of Deshaun Foster spelling Gore for a series or two for no real reason, at which point I’ll shout out, “Hey, the fuck is Foster doing there?” No one fucks a backfield quite like that guy.
Ryan Grant: Much as I loathe Brett Favre, the prospect of every Green Bay skill position player turning to complete shit in the wake of his departure seems all too likely. YAY.
Greg Jennings: Ditto.
Michael Turner: I had Jerious Norwood in a keeper league last year. He ran for six yards every time he touched the ball. His reward for being productive was about 2 goddamn carries a game. And now here comes Turner to be the man in that offense. But I guarantee you: Mike Smith can’t be any dumber of a coach than Bobby Crackerbumfuck. Norwood will get on the field just enough to make you blind with hate towards all parties involved.
The Ronnie Brown/Ricky Williams Miami Shitpie
Jonathan Stewart: I’m telling you, whichever rookie back you draft will end up being the wrong rookie. Just look at the underachieving asshole Stewart is gonna replace. DEANGELO WILLIAMS, YOU ARE A FESTERING, PUS-OOZING WASTE OF HUMAN POTENTIAL.
Braylon Edwards: If you owned Edwards BEFORE last season, as I once did, you know he was about as consistent as my urine stream. And I’m telling you, there is NO reason he can’t turn around and go right back to Shitland again. Especially if Mr. Black Tights has to take over for Horsie Balls at the signal calling duties. Top 3 receiver, my ass.
These are but 11 players. There are just so many more out there, waiting to bend you over and take a guitar neck to your cornhole. Old fuckers like Edgerrin James. Young fuckers who will probably never end up doing anything like Chris Johnson. The myriad number of ways they can ruin your shit has no ceiling. Purple Jesus alone has about 75 potential ways to destroy your weekend.
They could show just enough brilliance to give you a false sense of confidence. They could get injured during the playoffs. They could shit in hampers. You just never know.
Thank God fantasy football is back.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, fantasy football, FUCK YOU LARRY JOHNSON, god i hope i don't draft any Redskins
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August 27th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Lee Evans is going to have a huge year. I swear. I really mean it.
August 27th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Why oh why did I draft Larry Johnson in the second round?
August 27th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Weak stream? Get avodart Drew.
August 27th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
Just had my draft last night, and wound up with Purple Jesus and the Vikings Defense Featuring Jared Allen. Don’t fuck me over, Drew.
I also scored a timeshare in the Miami Shitpie! Wheeeeee!
August 27th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
For the record, I got the Ricky Williams half of the timeshare. I wouldn’t touch Ronnie Brown unless it was to kick him in the balls.
August 27th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
Steven Jackson falling to 10…Bargain! He will still fuck me
August 27th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
Randy Moss. All over the country, people are drafting him late in the first round or early in the 2nd round, thinking he’ll only have a slight drop-off from 2007. Guess what fucksticks? He’ll be lucky to get 1200 yards and 12 TD, and that is not top-15 pick worthy.
August 27th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
fuck everything except footballguys.com. they know their shit; the draft dominator owns.
andre johnson and lee evans always find a way to fuck me over. thank god i’m not drafting til this weekend. now i get to spend every waking minute researching with #3 WR can cover my team for a bye week.
August 27th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
why on earth would anyone draft a Bills WR in a Dick Jauron run team? I ask this and make fun, now watch the rookie hardy haul in 10Tds or some shit. BUT it won’t be evans. He’ll have 3 big games and 12 absolute no shows. Beast mode is the heart and soul of that team. Assuming peters is signed and resumes his road-hog ways.
so yeah, which rookie will do well? Forte? Stewart? Mcfadden? Hightower? Mendenhall? other? I usually stay away from that shit but I needed up with McFadden in one league and Hightower in my other deep league (played for money so people take it serious)
August 27th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
All this about Westbrook being an injury-prone undersized scat back…and no mention of his flop at the one-yard line in Dallas? Screw winning the game, fantasy is all that matters. Thankfully I didn’t have Westbrook, and I’m a Giants fan so I could care less who won.
Oh, and I can’t mention that game without mentioning Jessica Simpson. Now THAT screwed me over, since Romo shat the bed and took TO with him.
August 27th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
@ Playoff Beard:
If I take Avodart or Flomax but I don’t have weak stream, could my stream become so powerful that it could propel me off the ground? Imagine the implications…
August 27th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
played for money so people take it serious
People play fantasy football with no money involved? Really?
August 27th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
I was on that Jerious Norwood train last year…oh man was that a fucked up ride.
Can we add the shit sandwich tandem of Julius Jones/Maurice Morris to this list? JJMM has to be paired because you’re undoubtedly going to pick the wrong one if you only get one. At least with Shaun, you knew which guy would get 20-25 carries a game and average 3 yds. Now, we don’t even know who is going to fuck up the Seahawks backfield from week to week.
August 27th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
glad to see that Drew has about the same perspective as i do. it is really unfortunate that i have to pick in the first round.
August 27th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
You started studying for your draft already?
Fuckin’ loser.
August 27th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
FUCK YOU SELVIN YOUNG. He’s that rare player who is such a high potential sleeper that you feel like a genius when you get him. Then you drop him. Then nobody wants him, then he starts the next week, so you pick him up again. He doesn’t play that week, you drop him, he gets the majority of the carries the next week as a free agent. Eat a bag of dicks, Selvin.
August 27th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Derek Anderson might be the QB to worry about the AFC North in terms of fantasy drop-off.
I’d say concussions too. but damn that Steelers line!
August 27th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
I need to know how Fitzy’s adventures with the unicorn went before i can decide where to take him in my draft.
August 27th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
@ Ricky: I’m also a Giants fan and I also didn’t have Westbrook, but I was overjoyed that the Cowboys were losing. Although I also loathe the Eagles, the Cowboys had only lost once all year to that point and it was to the Patriots. I was, as a Massachusetts resident/Giant fan, scared shitless of a Patriots/Cowboys Super Bowl at that point.
I may or may not have woke someone who was napping in another room by screaming FUCK THE DALLAS COWBOYS at the screen as time expired. Agree to disagree?
August 27th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Mostly black players I see!
August 27th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Westbrook was my soldier last year! He took me all the way to the championship game thanks to the mediocre QBs I drug along all last year due to being in Mexico when draft time came around. Oh yeah, had Bulger to start, then that Texans fucker as back up. I got desperate man, ended up running with Jeff Garcia most of the year and then rode out the season with Kurt By God Warner. Drastic times call for drastic measures. It was fun though. If the fucker I played in the championship didn’t have Moss and Brady I would have frickin won it all!
August 27th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
rookie RBs?
Silent Bob, ftw. Run, fatass, run!
August 27th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
Agreed with the Ape. Roethlisberger will throw for 30+ TDs again this year barring he survives the season behind that offensive line. They are like the walls in the second quest of Legend of Zelda that Link could just walk through.
August 27th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
RYAN TORAIN
August 27th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
+2 for SLaird for that Zelda reference
ALSO: I agree. There are no sure things in this draft outside of Marmalard’s Nemesis. That’s why I had to wince and take Joseph Addai with my first pick, Carson Palmer with my second and Ryan Grant with my third.
August 27th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
I probably had the shittiest draft of all time. Turner/Norwood combo? Check. Westbrook? Check. Rookie RB Forte? Check and mate, giving me the ICBM backfield… likely to blow up at any time.
August 27th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
I’ve got Julius Jones at a starting RB position. He can’t lose out to Maurice fucking Morris, can he? Oh God please tell me he cannot lose out to Maurice “Fucking” Morris.
August 27th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
I will never, ever draft Plaxico Burress, who incidently can go gobble on a horse’s cock after Buzz is done with it. And any player whose value increases simply because a new OC or coach is in town (looking at you Steve Spurrier, Mike Martz, and Denny Green).
August 27th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Who didn’t fuck me last. MarHar. Leinart. McAllister. V. Davis. Fuck, I can’t even remember who else I had that got hurt. 73% of my starters were hurt. I went 0-14.
/only 2 drop/adds allowed, and in a 12 team, 24 round draft, it’s slim pickins at that point.
//still a horrible fantasy player.
August 27th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
*last year. Who didn’t fuck me last year. Jesus Rocco.
August 27th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
Oh, and I tried the Leinart/Warner double down and got fucked big time. Ooh, who’s gonna start this week? Leinart? Ok. What? Warner got put in after the 1st series and threw for 300 and 5 td’s? Great. Maybe I should just start them both.
August 27th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
i would say cutler’s gonna be good, but i think having wilford brimley on the sideline will be a huge distraction
“Diabeetus!”
August 27th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
You take that back about Greg Jennings RIGHT NOW!!! Why shouldn’t I count on another long bomb to him against Denver to win my fantasy matchup that week?
Rogers didn’t throw him the ball?!?! Semantics I say, semantics.
August 27th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
@dougery: The only thing I can think of (and yes, I’m being a homer here), is Jauron isn’t the offensive coordinater, and if Turk Schonert isn’t better than Steve Fairchild , the Ralph may burn to the ground this year by week 3.
Oh, that, and Edwards makes Losman look like Billy Madison. What? He already does. Shit.
August 27th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Guuuuh. Donald Driver fucked me last year and so help me God, Greg Jennings is gonna fuck me this year.
/that sounds way better than the actual experience of losing a game because Driver couldn’t get. one. more. yard.
August 27th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
@UM: Isn’t the NFL mostly black players?
August 27th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
@SLaird22: Even if Julius Jones starts (which is a good possibility) he’s still gonna fuck you since he always runs to contact. “Hmmm…nice 5 yard hole over here on the left, let me cut back right into the waiting arms of that 300 pound DE.” FUCK JULIUS JONES AND HIS NO-VISION ASS.
/Cowboys fan
//Good riddance
///Still pissed that we could have drafted Stephen Jackson
August 27th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
Horseballs and his concussed head and gimpy shoulder worry the crap out of me. Fucking early drafts, you always get one of these.
August 27th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
Way to make me feel better about drafting Randy Moss, Jay Cutler, Michael Turner, Lee Evans, Thomas Jones, Santana Moss, Jonathan Stewart, Eddie Royal, Aaron Rodgers, Jason Witten, and the Seattle defense, everyone. Good job.
I tell you, if I didn’t have Ted Ginn Jr I’d be SCREWED.
August 27th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
Oh and Todd Heap….. make up your mind if you’re fucking hurt or not you big tease. I carried your oversized ass for 14 weeks. Carrying an extra TE for the whole fantasy season is like having to deal with two wives. One is more than I can usually handle
August 27th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
Looking for porky’s 2nd round pick….. not seeing it….hoping he’s got McGahee or Manning tucked away.
August 27th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
@ Johnny BK: Can’t disagree with your “Fuck the Cowboys” sentiment there (I’m more proud that you stayed on the good side in that Pats environment). It’s just that, with a fantasy championship berth on the line, TO and Barber put up nothing. What a way to ruin my season (not coincidentally, the top regular season guy also got fucked by this game cuz he had Romo).
O well, at least I don’t have any of these eleven on my team.
(sees Ryan Grant, Ricky Williams, Braylon Edwards on his team)
(sees top pick LaDainian Tomlinson with helmet and jacket on, stuttering out “coldcoldcoldcoldcoldcoldcoldcoldcoldcoldcold”)
(sees Giants defense minus Strahan and Umenyiora)
Fuck.
August 27th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
got Farve, Lynch, AD, Evans, T.J., Wayne, minny D and one half of the miami shitpie…
im fucked
August 27th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
@Lil Lebowski…
My draft was 12 teams. I had 6th pick, everyone was RB happy, and I had picked Moss with my first (my earlier logic…do I want a bottom-10 RB or a top 5 QB or WR? And since Brady and Manning are “maybe kinda sorta who knows” injured, fuckit, I took Moss.) By the time the second round happened ALL the non-platoon RBs were gone, so I rolled the dice. I’m sure I fucked up. I usually get one miracle off the wire.
Oh, I also have Desean Jackson and I took Deuce McAllister as Mr. Irrelevant jusssssst in case his legs don’t explode and Reggie’s do.
August 27th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Oh, forgot to mention, I took Turner second round. Seriously, the pickings were that slim.
August 27th, 2008 at 5:36 pm
Make sure you get Caddy if you hate Graham so much. He’s gonna have a big year, I swear! Pay no attention to the injury report, it’s full of lies.
And why do you buy new fantasy football mags every year. They always have the same guys year after year. I still use mine from 1997. And who’s this new QB Manning everyone is talking about? He’s a rookie, right?
August 27th, 2008 at 6:42 pm
I got Manning with first pick.
First time I’ve ever have him and fully expect his baby head to be damaged by week 2.
And I got Rivers to back him up.
~shotgun blast~
August 27th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
Reading this article and subsequent comments makes me think I should back out of my leagues before they draft next week because you all sound depressed. But then I remember that I actually enjoy fantasy, that I’m damn good at it, that I won $700 in my H2H, PPR, IDP league because I had a great draft (Purple Jesus in Round 5) and made perfect moves (picked up Patrick Willis as IDP star, got Ryan Grant/Roddy White before anyone else noticed them and traded for LT right as he got hot at the end of the season).
August 27th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
Let’s be fair to BWest. He’ll go for 150 from scrimmage with two TDs. You’ll have him on your bench and that’s exactly why I stopped playing fantasy football.
August 27th, 2008 at 8:20 pm
I always sound depressed before the season starts. It’s when I think I have a good team that I get fucked. But I’ve finished in the money in all 3 sports three years running, so I’m at least a little hopeful.
August 27th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
I think Hardy gets at least 10 td’s. At 6′7″ even Lossman can throw it high enough for him to out jump any DB.
August 27th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
2Port
Fitty’s still holding out for a pair of those blingin’ sneakers Squatch was wearing.
August 27th, 2008 at 11:19 pm
For unmanly behavior, I am going to draft bragging about past fantasy sport triumphs in the comments section of a humor blog to a bunch of strangers.
August 27th, 2008 at 11:36 pm
thank god someone else is with me on lee evans. here in WI, several of my friends still love and overvalue that guy. probably because some of them went to the same college as him, or remember that he was ok in college, and ignore how remarkably crappy he is now.
August 28th, 2008 at 12:05 am
I don’t hate the Minnesota Vikings, but the more I play fantasy football, the more I’m learning to.
I’ve been burned by Moss, Culpepper, and Bong-Terrio Smith. Each in different season. (Honestly, who turns the ball over 32 fucking times in a season?) I hope at least one of them falls into a shark tank and I wouldn’t piss on Adrian Peterson if he was on fire.
Nobody in a Vikings uniform will ever be on my team.
August 28th, 2008 at 1:07 am
drew.. .you’re a toadfaced cock
August 28th, 2008 at 1:40 am
Has Drew not said thank you for the flowers you sent him?
August 28th, 2008 at 8:02 am
I don’t hate the Minnesota Vikings, but the more I play fantasy football, the more I’m learning to.
I once won a TD-heavy league with Leroy Hoard as my third RB. Yes, yes — the Leroy Hoard.
Don’t fuck me over, Purple Jesus.
August 28th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
The Cleveand Browns of 2008 are going to be like the 2007 Saints, mark my words. A fluke 10-6 season that got everyone to draft Brees and Colston and Bush, only to get completed fucked in the ass. I said “No Saints” during my draft last year and it saved me, and I’m saying “No Browns” this year.
August 28th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
@ IVSPORT – I think I speak for everyone here when I tell you the following two things.
1. You’re not good at fantasy football. If you traded anybody for LT at any point in the season, then the people you play with are fucking idiots.
2. Fuck you. We’re venting here, not gloating.