Don’t You F–k Me Like You Did In 2005, Jamal Lewis
It’s time you and I had a man-to-man talk, Jamal Lewis. You’ve been on my fantasy team for quite some time now, Jamal. We’ve had our ups and downs since I took you in 2005, even after you went to jail for four weeks the previous season on what was technically setting up a drug deal. I knew you were a hard, downhill runner, which is odd because I always thought the football field was a relatively level structure. But I digress.
Jamal, don’t you fuck me in the ass like you did in 2005. I had the number one pick going into that draft. Did I run off with Corey Dillon or Curtis Martin, motherfucker? Hell, no. I stood by your broken-down ass because I FUCKING BELIEVED IN YOU. And how was I rewarded for my undying faith? Three shitty little touchdowns. And way to give me that one 100-yard game on the last week of our season. That really solidified my 1-11 finish. Cocksucker.
And here we are again. Did you think I was going to throw myself onto Michael Turner like some floozy? Shit, no. EVERYONE on the Browns’ offense is ranked at or near the top five in their respective positions–except for you. You turn 29 this season. You run behind the best line in the league. I KNOW you have another 1,200-yard season in you, you big fucking loser. You can do it, buddy!
Tags: Cleveland Browns, firing up my fantasy players, Jamal Lewis, MMP
August 26th, 2008 at 8:59 am
Give it to Jamal - YEAHHHHH!
August 26th, 2008 at 9:04 am
MMP, is there going to be KSK’s survival football groups over at yahoo this year?
August 26th, 2008 at 9:07 am
counting on any assemblage of browns players to facilitate anything other than heartache is a pretty reisky proposition
August 26th, 2008 at 9:16 am
If only I had given this talk to Larry Johnson last year.
August 26th, 2008 at 9:24 am
That’s a new strategy that I like, I might have to give it a go this year to get over the hump.
August 26th, 2008 at 9:24 am
I KNOW you have another 1,200-yard season in you, you big fucking loser.
Ike still love you, Jamal Lewis.
August 26th, 2008 at 9:24 am
That goes for you too, Kevin Jones.
August 26th, 2008 at 9:30 am
@paxcincinnatus:
Shut up, you’re not making me feel any better for drafting Horse Balls a round too early in a gin-and-tonic fueled moment of indiscretion.
August 26th, 2008 at 9:43 am
Nobody cares about your fantasy rape team.
August 26th, 2008 at 9:55 am
Just replace MMP with Peter King and Jamal Lewis with Brett Favre and this all makes sense.
Oh and the “firing up my fantasy players” tag needs to get much use on this site since I’m sure most of us will be pissed after week 1.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:02 am
Can I get one of these for Chad Johnson? I turned down a deal last year in my keeper league for Marvin Harrison to keep OCHO FUCKFACE and then he scares me all pre-season with his “I aint playin for the BUNGLES” now its his torn labia or whatever… FUCK YOU YOU MOHAWKED FOOTBALL RESICITATING CUMCRAVER!! GO STUFF YOUR FACE WITH SOME COCK
August 26th, 2008 at 10:03 am
speaking of getting hopes up only to have them crushed under the weight of overachieving the season prior, go Bills! i drafted their defense/special teams!
also, i think this picture should be archived for future use
http://d.yimg.com/a/p/sp/getty/e0/fullj.a9229138a0ab3758753eeb155862c2f1/a9229138a0ab3758753eeb155862c2f1-getty-80682177sd030_seattle_seaha.jpg
August 26th, 2008 at 10:40 am
best line in the league? fuck that shit. the metrodome is home to the best line ever. daydream you should have sent that in for the free copy of MWB.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:41 am
I am one of the Michael Turner Floozies. My backfield is currently Turner and Thomas Jones. I’m basically fucked.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:41 am
I really do believe that Jamal Lewis has one more solid season of fucking fantasy owners in the ass.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:54 am
Dear Reggie Bush,
Don’t get hurt trying to fuck that stupid whore you are with in the ass. You’ve been hurt every year since getting into the NFL and I now need you. I
wastedspent a 4th round pick on you. McGayHe looks like he’s going to be a big bitch, and the memory of Mike Doss is coming back. PoorTits has been solid, but Reggie for this to be THE year I need you to stay healthy. At least until week 10, in week 11 you can get hurt because then Portis and Willis will be fine and I’ll be able to walk off into the sunset with them. Thanks!-Sherman
/fuck Reggie Bush, why did I draft this weak mother.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:54 am
And people thought I was crazy for drafting Ricky Williams. Fools! muwhahaha.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:00 am
this was funny until i realised I took him in the 3rd round as well. It’s okay, I’m sure Justin Fucking Fargas will pick up the slack right? Jesus why do i drink before drafts?
August 26th, 2008 at 11:16 am
Dear Ryan Grant,
I sat tight with that flaky whore Steven Jackson while you got to make wack-ass commercials for ESPN Fantasy for an 8-week fling. I’m not gonna lie; I probably wouldn’t have taken you if I wasn’t second-to-last in the draft order. But I’m a commitment guy, and I need you fucking save me this year, because Frank Gore sure as shit won’t. Seriously, if I get last in the league I have to dress up like Rich Kotite at my New Year’s Eve party.
You can do it,
-Juice
August 26th, 2008 at 11:20 am
so demure and tactful of you to gently censor the title of this article.
and I was killed by Clinton Portis in 2006. and Priest holmes the one year LJ t-boned his stats (when the two played every other drive)
August 26th, 2008 at 11:20 am
just wait 4 weeks and hope someone hits the “accept trade” button.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:21 am
Dear Matt Forte,
Please be really good this year in order to a) give me some hope as a Chicago fan and b) justify my fifth round grab of you in a moment of blatant homerism. Thanks.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:47 am
Dear Fantasy Football League Manager Who Doesn’t Know Shit,
You used the second pick in the draft to take Purple Jesus. Understandable. You then used your 4th round pick on Witten and 7th round pick on Winslow before taking a second fucking wide receiver. I offered you Chester Taylor for Winslow and you want fucking Andre Johnson? Go die. Since when is backing up your tight end more fucking important than backing up Peterson? I will enjoy starting Taylor Weeks 8 and on.
\I wish no harm on Peterson, it’s just history that says he ain’t gonna make it.
August 26th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Dear Earnest Graham,
I am sorry for calling you the least intriguing Running Back in the draft - I meant it in the first round when I said it, but when you fell to the 4th round and I saw you shivering out there in the cold, cruel fantasy football world with matt forte, deangelo williams, and kenny watson - i just couldn’t bare it. just because i NEEDED to pick a 2nd RB to compliment Stephen Jackson, doesn’t mean i didn’t WANT to pick (because you were the only viable #1 back available). i hope we can be friends, and that you can stay healthy all year…for your sake (but mostly mine). and please score 10 TD’s too.
Best Regards,
Your Owner
August 26th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
@Lil Lebowski Urban Achievers: watch your blasphemous mouth. Purple Jesus has self-healing powers and will not need Chester Taylor’s assistance this year. In fact, Chester can grab a whole bunch of Preparation H and sit quietly on the bench with his pom-poms. Maybe he’ll get some vulture stats since I’m sure the Vikings will be
blowing people out in the 4th quarterplaying keep away with their running game./Needs PJ to have a stellar year
//this could be the season I don’t finish in the bottom 3rd of the league
///don’t fuck me PETERSON
August 26th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Ahh, fantasy talk. No one wants to hear it, yet no one turns away… I had pick #6 in a 12-team league, also known as the “bullshit” pick. Do you use your first rounder on a bottom-10 RB or do you take the top QB or WR? Problem is, the two clear cut “top” QBs are possibly gimpy right now and there’s no way I’m taking Drew Brees at #6.
So I went with Randy Moss and that just put a bitter taste in my mouth.
August 26th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
What is this “fantasy football” that you speak of?
August 26th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Jamal Lewis is one of those special stars, he’ll fuck you when he’s on your team and when you give up on him, he’ll fuck you from someone else’s team. Jamal’s been to prison, he knows how to fuck guys and make it hurt.
\thinking of taking Jamal back in the 3rd round, if he’ll have me
August 26th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
MMP,
Purple Jesus runs behind the best O-Line in the NFL. Period.
August 27th, 2008 at 1:20 am
@ Sherman
“McGayHe looks like he’s going to be a big bitch, and the memory of Mike Doss is coming back.”
If you are referring to the Buckeye that turned McGahee’s knee into confetti, that would be Will Allen.
And Lewis is going to go for 1500 this year.
/knows why they call it “fantasy” football
August 27th, 2008 at 10:49 am
I tried this two years ago with Shaun Alexander.
FAIL.
August 27th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Vince Young 2007… ultimate “fucked me”. But still won the title.