Does Anyone Here Want To Talk About Houston Texans Football?
Adam Clanton: It’s a glorious Tuesday afternoon, everyone! This is the Adam Clanton Experience on Sports Talk 610, official radio home of your Houston Texans. The sun’s shining, the weather is nice, and it’s great day to talk some Texans football. Training camp is underway, and we wanna hear from you! What do you think of the Texans this year? Can Matt Schaub stay healthy? Can Andre Johnson bounce back? Let’s take some calls. Bobby! You’re on Sports Talk 610 with Adam Clanton.
Bobby: Howdy Adam, I wanted to know what you thought of young hussy Jessica Simpson doing those stripteases online for Tony Romo! Is that really the way for a young lady to act?
Adam Clanton: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Looks like we got a Cowboy fan in our midst! Sorry. Bobby. But this is a Texans station. This is a COWBOY FREE ZONE! Am I right people? Let’s flush Bobby and move on to Billy Joe! Billy Joe, what do you think of the Texans?
Billy Joe: Hey Adam, longtime Cowboy fan here. Real long time fan. And I wanted to know if Pacman Jones will be…
Adam Clanton: Looks like Billy Joe missed the memo! Again people, we’re talking Houston Texans football. C’mon, everyone! We’ve got DeMeco Ryans and Mario Williams up front! Potential top ten defense! Let’s go to Bobby Earl. Bobby Earl, what do you think of the D this year?
Bobby Earl: Say, did you know that Barack Obama’s middle name is HOO-SANE? Just like Saddam’s? Barack HOO-SANE Obama? Kinda makes you think, dudn’t it? I don’t want no HOO-SANE runnin’ this country!
Adam Clanton: Sorry Bobby Earl, but again, we’re talking about the Texans. Let’s try the phones again. Sorry folks, we just don’t seem to be screening very well today. Let’s go to Bobby Billy Ray. Bobby Billy Ray, what do you say?
Bobby Billy Ray: It is TIME to trade Tracy McGrady! What has that jackass ever won for Clutch Citay???
Adam Clanton: It’s not even the Rockets’ season. Look, people. I keep trying to tell you, we’re here to talk about the Texans in this segment. THIS IS THE OFFICIAL TEXANS STATION! Come on, man! Gimme something to work with! Let’s go to… who’s this? Tommy?
Tommy: WHY THE FACK AHH YOU TRYING TO TALK ABOUT THE FACKIN’ TEXANS WHEN MY BELOVED RED SAWX JUST TRADED THE FACKIN’ HAAAAHT AND SOUL OF THEIR BATTING ORDAAH TO THOSE FAGGOTS IN LOS ANGELES, YOU FACK?!
Adam Clanton: What?
Tommy: You fackin’ faggots down they-ah aw nawt givin’ the Sawx they-ah fackin’ due! No one cay-uhs about yah stupid fackin’ Texans! Awl anyone wants to tawk about right now is the Manny trade. NO ONE DENIES THIS. GET YAR FACKIN’ PRIARITIES STRAIGHT!
Adam Clanton: You’re from Boston? Why are you calling a Houston station?
Tommy: BECAUSE YOU FAGGOTS DON’T TAWK ABOUT THE SAWX ENOUGH! I listen to every fackin’ station in this country to make shoo-ah ow-uh Sawx are getting the prawpah amount of coverage! Now you tell me: HOW THE FACK CAN THEO EPSTEIN JUSTIFY TRADING A .300 HITTAH FAH FACKIN’ JASON BAY?! He can’t even hit .300 in the fackin’ NL! And the fackin’ NL all-staaaahs couldn’t even beat the Paw Sawx!
Adam Clanton: We’re not here to talk about Manny Ramirez.
Tommy: FACK YOU! I am still nawt ovah this trade! So many mixed emotions. Manny was like a crazy garlfriend. Sure, you fought with her-ah, and maybe you kicked her-ah in the cunt a few times, but she still blew you that one time in the shittah at Daisy Buchanan’s, and you nevah forgawt that moment! Sure-ah, he was Manny, BUT HE WAS OW-UH MANNY. I remembah the first time I heard we had traded far him. We were-ah so young back then…
Adam Clanton: Hold on. You’re not going to go into a clichéd nostalgic Red Sox fan story on this station.
Tommy: FACK YOU!
Adam Clanton: What is that word? Are you saying “fack”? Do I need to use the delay button here? What does that mean?
Tommy: IT MEANS I’LL FACK YAH SISTAH! You need to tawk about this trade more-ah! I’ve tawked about it with everyone I know: my priest, my bishop, my Caaaaahdinal. I can’t believe Manny was traded to home of the FACKIN’ LAKAHS!!!!
Adam Clanton: Okay, I’ve had just about enough.
Tommy: Still, ya gawtta love what Dustin Pedroiah is doing far us!!!
Adam Clanton: Cut him off, Lou.
Tommy: FACK YOU!
Adam Clanton: Is he gone? Thank god. Let’s try and get back on track. Does anyone here wanna talk some Texans football? Let’s go to Jerral. Jerral, whaddaya got?
Jerry: YEEEEEEHAW! MY BOY ROMO IS A GODDAMN STAR! YOUR TEAM MAY AS WELL BE PLAYING IN FUCKING ICELAND, QUEERBOY! LEMME ASK YOU, SON: YOU EVER SEEN CHARLES HALEY SHOOT A JELLY ROPE INTO TROY AIKMAN’S EYE WHEN HE WASN’T LOOKING? ‘CAUSE I HAVE, AND IT’S QUITE A SIGHT TO SEE! WAAAHOOO I AM FUCKING CRAZY!
Adam Clanton: Oh, god dammit.
Tags: all i heard about on vacation, Big Daddy Drew, dude kinda looks like Van der Beek, jerry solo, No one cares about the Texans, talk radio, Tommy from Quinzee
August 5th, 2008 at 11:28 am
Tawmmy From Quinzee AND JJ? Mother of God, that was great
August 5th, 2008 at 11:29 am
having lived in both New England and Houston I can attest Tommy, Bobby Earl, and Billy Ray do in fact exist.
August 5th, 2008 at 11:30 am
Oh God, that was brilliant.
August 5th, 2008 at 11:31 am
@Will, it was a matter of time until these 2 worlds collided.
August 5th, 2008 at 11:31 am
From what I here, Troy Aikman wouldn’t mind a rope or two in his face every now and then.
August 5th, 2008 at 11:33 am
/needs more marmalard, tj and hines wald
/head explodes
August 5th, 2008 at 11:33 am
I’ve tawked about it with everyone I know: my priest, my bishop, my Caaaaahdinal.
I can hear Tommy dragging that out for like five seconds in my head.
August 5th, 2008 at 11:34 am
The main thing I have coming out of this is what’s the link to these online stripteases of Jessica Simpson!?
August 5th, 2008 at 11:36 am
didnt see that coming. However living in Austin I can testify to the factual basis of this story. NO ONE WANT TO TALK TEXANS FOOTBALL. Maybe if they took Vince young… im still just saying maybe.
August 5th, 2008 at 11:38 am
Out-FACKING-standing.
August 5th, 2008 at 11:40 am
what’s the link to these online stripteases of Jessica Simpson!?
Haven’t leaked yet. But that dam’ll burst at some point.
August 5th, 2008 at 11:43 am
this website needs more crossover stories like this
August 5th, 2008 at 11:45 am
Tawwwwmy always make me want to go watch The Departed again.
Maybe yes….maybe no…maybe go fack ya-self.
August 5th, 2008 at 11:47 am
Tawwwwmy always make me want to go watch The Departed again.
It’s not the Departed, it’s the Depaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhted.
August 5th, 2008 at 11:48 am
LOOK OK
I REMEMBAH WHAT IT WAS LIKE BACK IN THE DAY
/opens twist-off bottle of Sam Adams with bottle opener; takes overly enthusiastic swig that makes it froth over
THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT STORY IN SPOAHTS SINCE PEYTON MANNING THREW 12 RECEPTIONS TO HALLE BERRY IN 1958
AND WHAT THE FACK IS THE NATIONAL LEAGUE, IS THAT LIKE HAWKEY
August 5th, 2008 at 11:50 am
Sadly, this is a pretty accurate reflection of Texans call-in shows.
Fuck the Cowboys.
August 5th, 2008 at 11:52 am
I was holding out for kitna and kurt to make an appearance.
August 5th, 2008 at 11:55 am
Is that an accurate picture of Clanton? Nice twelvehead he has there.
August 5th, 2008 at 11:56 am
Rick Ankiel: They make twist off sam adams? Ive never seen one down here… is using a bottle opener too compicated for busy yankees?
August 5th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
That was fackin’ epic ya fackin’ asschompahs!
August 5th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
Is that obese Packer’s fan (I know- redundant) from yesterday gonna call in next? He NEEDS to talk about Brett Favre.
August 5th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Excelsior!
August 5th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
Haven’t leaked yet. But that dam’ll burst at some point.
that video might make the internet asplode. which is ok, as long as i see the video before that happens.
August 5th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Yeah, I agree that there’s some Favre-related chatter missing here. Hey, ESPN: I DO NOT LIKE HAVING MY SUNDAY NIGHT BASEBALL TAKEN UP WITH FUCKING FOOTBALL NEWS. Guhhhhh. Not like Jon Miller is ever worth listening to in the first place, but it’s the PRINCIPLE of the thing, dammit.
C–pidgeon: I’ve seen twist-offs on some of the seasonal brews like the Utopia lately… not sure if all the bottles have that yet. My intended humor was more the notion that our boy Tommy would probably consider Sam Adams the height of beer gourmandism (and thus assume it was a flip-top) instead of the crappy overproduced domestic brew it actually is.
August 5th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Fack. Yes.
August 5th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Wow, a Daisy Buchanon’s refence? Touche, salesman.
August 5th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
he really does look like vanderbeek.
August 5th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
AND WHAT THE FACK IS THE NATIONAL LEAGUE, IS THAT LIKE HAWKEY
Well done.
August 5th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
“Haven’t leaked yet. But that dam’ll burst at some point.”
There will be other things bursting if those Simpson tapes leak, if you know what I mean.
August 5th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
“but she still blew you that one time in the shittah at Daisy Buchanan’s, and you nevah forgawt that moment!”
Wow. Wow. Thank you.
/Hates Boston clubbars
August 5th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
The kicked in the crotch made me spit water on my monitor.
August 5th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
@PanamaCityHotel: Seconded.
August 5th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
The last time I saw someone with a head like that, he was being chased by villagers with torches and pitchforks. Damn. That is a giant head.
And Texas has another pro football team? Really? No, really? And they’re not the Oilers?
August 5th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
The jelly rope reference will haunt my dreams forever.
August 5th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
@ FMRA: Touche. Full Sail Session fan myself, or St. Arnolds. but i digress Texans football will always suck and be backburner conversation in the Lone Star State. I mean shit they even ripped off the 2nd most important Texas football team UT but used the state colors and a more hickish cowhead logo.
LA-HOOO-SAH-HERRR
August 5th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
Thanks for the striptease link. Now I have a full afternoon clicking through Sun.com.
August 5th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
Bless you Drew…bless you…
And thank you for not including a FAVRE reference
/only a matter of time
August 5th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
bdd: thanks for running those two galaxies into each other. exactly the trainwreck this native texan needed to slow down for.
to answer the question: nobody in this state wants to talk about texans football except for about the 3 milliseconds of interest that will be displayed on august 17 when the texans beat the cowboys in the preseason game they have scheduled.
then we’ll all return to eagerly awaiting the latest dispatch relating the goings-on at valley ra(u)nch - and the cowboys’ loss in the 1st round of the playoffs for the 3rd year in a row.
without dreams, a man’s just plain lost. like being stranded on a desert island with a cargo of sam adams and no fackin bottle open-uh.
August 5th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
wow. JJ and Tawmy in one post. brilliance BDD. this should be inducted into the ksk hall of fame….i’ll be laughing for days…
August 5th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
All I saw was “Jessica Simpson striptease”.
The rest is a blur.
And can we please get a “Charles Haley” tag?
August 5th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
I’ve been waiting a long time for Tawmmy to utter the words “Paw Sawx,” and I will tell you this sir, it was worth it.
/Longest game in fawkin baseball history!
August 5th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
@Chazz, good old McCoy Stadium
August 5th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
NEXT CALL: David Carr STILL wants to bitch about the Texans’ o-line.
August 5th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
It is going to take me a couple weeks to process this.
August 5th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
I have to call “incorrect” on Tawmmy…
… see, despite only bein’ one a them “Spic dahkies” instead of “full-ahn dahkie”, from what I’ve seen Manny is getting shit on by Sawks fans with things like “good riddance ya clubhouse cansah” and “The Sawks ah like the Pats…they run a team to win, not to hang on to dead weight like a buncha sentimental queeahs.” They get to talk shit about the most beneficial player in recent Sawks history. And they got a white guy out of trading him. It’s like Quinzee’s Christmas in August.
August 5th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
IT MEANS I’LL FACK YAH SISTAH!
In my maaaaaaaaaaaa’s basemunt…with the bedsheet room divid-uh pulled acraaaaass so no one’s the wise-ah.
August 5th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
@porky1: Bay’s a real membah of the Red Sawx Nation. He already hit a homah the othah night. What the fack has Manny done in queeah land so fah? Ansah me dat?
And Spic dahkie vs. full-ahn dahkie was brilliant. I’m sure Tawmmy’s got those terms in his vocab.
August 5th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
NEXT CALL: naked charles haley tackles david carr mid-call and jacks off in front of him
August 5th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
futuremrsrickankiel: Say what you will about Sam Adams, they’re now the biggest US brewer following the Bud sale. And the Black Lager is actually pretty good, which is ironic in a way.
Also, your future husband is helping keep my fantasy team afloat.
Anyway, I forgot to mention I laughed my ass off at this and Tawmmy could have said “FACK YOU” 10,000 more times before I’d start to get sick of it.
August 5th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
@porky1: You’re dead right. I should have incorporated that “FACK THAT LAZY HOUSEKEEPAH” attitude in there, because Lord knows I saw enough of it.
August 5th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Hey, I care about the Texans!
At least I’m not a Falcons fan this year. Or any year.
And at least my QB isn’t Tavaris F’n Jackson.
August 5th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Oh man…I laughed hard when I saw Tawwmy’s photo and then nearly lost it when I saw the ol’ Double J.
Bravo sir, Bravo.
And yes, no one in Texas cares for any other team besides the Cowboys…or Texas…or Texas A&M (when they’re good).
August 5th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
“didnt see that coming. However living in Austin I can testify to the factual basis of this story. NO ONE WANT TO TALK TEXANS FOOTBALL. Maybe if they took Vince young… im still just saying maybe.”
@Cumpidgeon: Sure, we could’ve VY, and then we’d still suck. Mario >>>>>> VY
Oh, and this makes me old, bitter, and angry, but it’s still damn funny.
August 5th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
@Cumpidgeon: Sure, we could’ve taken VY….
me = dumbass
August 5th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Fact: Anyone who thinks (a) the Texans line sucks or (b) the Texans should have drafted Reggie or Vince is either a fuckwit or doesn’t understand football. Or both.
August 5th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
NEXT CALL WARREN MOON: “Hey guys, Warren Moon, here. First time caller, long-time listener. As a former Houston football pro, I think…[female voice in the background of his line]…Oh, you done it now, bitch!” CLICK.
August 5th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
And now I hate the Great Gatsby. Thank you internet, you cause me to hate new things everyday!
August 5th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
The Texans… the fake, crappy version of the Broncos. Which says a lot.
August 5th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Hey Matt did you understand that OT loss to VY’s Titans? Or was that too complicated… you know a touchdown in sudden death OT. even a …. fuckwit…. takes a playmaker that wins games over a defensive lineman.
/looking for games Mario Williams won…. still looking…. couldnt find one but he did have a mediocre season last year. Congratulations Texans fans! you went 8-8!
August 5th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
That was hilarious
August 5th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Wow…a Sex Cannon post…Double J and Tawwmmy all on the same day??? Big Daddy Drew you sir are on your A game!
August 5th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
TFMRA - that post made me LOL. Well done.
Tis true, the infatuation / obsession the state of Texas has with the Cowboys. (I’m a fan from the Roger Staubach days). As I said once trying to explain the depths,
“If aliens landed in Washington D.C., Jesus Christ returned to the Holy Land and Troy Aikman broke a leg? Three guesses what the lead story would be on ALL Texas networks / papers and the first two don’t count.”
August 5th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
The Texans should adopt the NFL Team’s standard plan for getting attention: get in trouble with they law. Everybody has to pitch in a charge for a DUI, spousal abuse, guns, drugs, animal cruelty or bar a brawl. Mario should eat somebody’s kids.
August 5th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
@ Cumpidgeon: “Playmaker that wins games” career record: 17-11. Rex motherfucking Grossman’s career record: 19-11. Wow. Vince is amazing. Oh, and Vince is 0-1 in the playoffs. Sexy Rexy is 2-2. I am literally in awe of Vince’s ability to win games. That is fucking unparalleled.
And, no, ONLY a fuckwit would take an overhyped QB over a DE. And that person would continue to look like a fuckwit when the QB was horrific last season (as in “one of the worst QBs in the league”) while the DE was one of the best defensive players in football. (Mediocre season? Seriously? 14 sacks and absolutely dominant in the second half is hardly “mediocre.”)
Finally, if you really believe that Vince is why the Titans went to the playoffs last year, rather than, say Albert Haynesworth (who, I believe, is a defensive lineman and not a playmaker QB), you win the Fuckwit of the Year trophy.
August 5th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
I hate to Bogart the responses section, but wanted to add something about Mario. He went to my alma mater (NC State) where he came in as the # 5 recruit in the nation or so. (Amato was the coach back then). GREAT kid. And I don’t mean that in a unc tarhole (http://carolinasucks.com/images/uncrapsheet.htm) sort of way.
I honestly think Mario was sort of hurt by the criticism leveled at him after the draft and after his first year. (/insert “sensitive” joke) but he is (or was) about 21 and State is sort of insulated. Certainly he was never lambasted (rightly or wrongly) the way he was after his first year in the NFL.
Again, great kid and if he EVER shows up on a police blotter, I’d be shocked.
August 5th, 2008 at 6:25 pm
Fellas, fellas, don’t turn this day of epic lulz into a hate fest. If needed, borrow some of Emo Eagle’s Lexapro and chill out.
August 5th, 2008 at 6:26 pm
Shit! I’ve got to get here earlier and read the posts in order. Outrageous!
Arguing over the Texans? Really?
August 5th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
Drew, as a longtime reader, this was a top shelf effort. Now give us JJ and cumslinger whoring it up in ibiza next offseason, awash in mounds of coke like fucking Scarface, and you’ve got a PLOT, son.
August 6th, 2008 at 9:56 am
Adam Clanton is so fucking lame it is embarrassing.
August 6th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
@ Jesse:
Yeah. The Texans are exactly like a crappy version of the Broncos. Except they beat them last year. And had a better overall record. In a much tougher division. But other than that, they are much worse. Dumbass.
I have a tough time knocking Vince, since I am a Horn and all. So I’ll just say that he wouldn’t have been a good fit for a West Coast offense (you know, since he can’t throw the ball 5 yards accurately and all).
And Mario is a freak. I wanted Vince at the time, which is one of the many reasons I’m no NFL GM. But I was wrong. Williams is a monster who will be making idiots in South Oklahoma eat their words for years.