I guess I should preface this by saying that, sincerely, I’m not a fascist person. I think a world where everyone is doing their own thing can wonderful, and can enrich everyone. It’s been said that our flaws are what make us beautiful, and no statement rings truer in my dainty ears.
That said, there are a bunch of assholes out there ruining this place for the rest of us. And most of those fuckheads are men. Yes, it’s regrettable that women out there have rights and stuff now. But that doesn’t grant you license to drag your feet through life like a little girl who just had her favorite doll chopped up in the lawn mower. Next time, don’t leave it laying in the yard, you big sissy.
YOU’RE A FUCKING MAN! Act like it. We’re all in this shitstorm together. If one of us fails in upholding the standards of manhood that took literally thousands of years to establish, WE ALL FAIL. No man is a fucking island. Yes, it’s a burden being the only gender that actually takes life seriously. If it was easy, anyone could sew on a dick and do it.
And that brings us to the scenario for this week’s Mock Draft…
A new dictatorship has just taken over America. And instead of this new government deciding to burden you with the complex annihilation of specific civil liberties (and the moral implications involved therein), the new regime has given you the easy job: refining the stronger half of the human race. You’re selecting one attribute or act that would identify any man half-assing his way through mandom. Anyone seen on the street engaged in this act will be hauled off and put out of his misery, thereby putting us out of ours. Anything that YOU identify as a red flag is in play.
(And please leave your historical precedents at the door; we’re just picking stuff that annoys us.)
My first selection is any man with an earring.
This isn’t even “rebellious in a conformist sort of way” anymore. It’s like stapling a dick to your face. What could this possibly add to your self image? “Dude, check it out! HOOPS!” Get fucked, Jo-Jo. Off to the guillotine with your sorry ass.
You’re in charge now. You know the rules. Get to work.
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Some golf GPS units even include satellite images of each hole. So, along with giving correct distances, good GPS devices can help you with tactic and course administration
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462 responses and no one said rollerblades? you guys are gay.
Anyone who asks how much a pour of liquor costs before it’s served. Is it single malt scotch or cognac? Okay, go ahead because that shit is expensive. Is it vodka or any generally available whiskey, or something with fucking red bull? It’s 600 fucking dollars, now get out of my face you moron. Just stop.
Otherwise, the Black Keys are the shit like everyone said (“have love, will travel”). Dressing well isn’t gay. Menthols are pretty bad though. And Sig Hansen is a badass – he’s the only person I’ve met from Deadliest Catch who wasn’t a complete douche. And you know that a Martini should be about 3 ounces of gin right? At 80+(MINIMUM) proof? Not. Gay.
Men who go to the beach and bring pink umprellas to shield them from the sun.Matter of fact, men who bring any umbrella period is unacceptable. We men go to the beach to look at women, and to get a better tan so that more women look at US! The beach is for enjoying the sun, NOT for perparing for a rainstorm you pink umbrella toting sissies.Get the hell off my beach and go back to the Banana Factory.
Tommy Fucking Bahama
Men who get laid groom. Nothing is more disgusting than a 40 something man with hair and wax in his ears. Ewww. Won’t get him laid. If you aren’t getting laid, you are not a man. Back hair. Ewwww. Not grooming. Ewwww. Chest hair. OMG, love it.
Trying to cuddle with me after getting laid. Ewwww. That is the time for sleep.
Men who complain about women liking shoe shopping. No, don’t go with me, but fucking appreciate that i care.
Whatever you pussies want to say, there really are 500.00 shoes that will make you crash your fucking Beamer when
you see me walking in them. No, I’m not talking lucite heels. I mean 4 inch black or red come fuck the shit out of me
pumps.
Can’t believe it hasn’t been picked- wheeled briefcases in the airport. Buddy, if you don’t have the strength to carry your laptop, planner, and travel charger to the gate stay off my flight. This is a ‘no eunuchs allowed’ plane.
+1 to The Lazer for taking a shot at Will Leitch.
Vineyard Vines- If you want to look like a fucking five year old, be my guest you preppy, waspy fuck. In fact, dressing ‘fratty’ or being fratty are automatic headshots in my book. You’re fucking two hundred miles from the nearest body of water, you don’t need sunglasses or croakies. Get a fucking haircut.
MEN WHO WEAR THEIR HATS ON BACKWARDS
it pisses me off so much, that I have to use caps.
WEAR THE HAT FUCKING RIGHT WAY
Also, need to add anyone who lets their girlfriend buy their clothes for them. Get a sense of your own style or you end up dressing like the ass ponies in the Maxim “style” section.
Not knowing how to barbeque. It’s fire, it’s animal flesh. Cook until done. And use charcoal goddamit.
Conservative Republicans. Bunch of toe tapping dumbass retards. Go fuck yourself
+1 The Lazer. PLUS ONE!
any man that dyes their hair and flat iron their bangs just to express how much their pain is intolerable and unknowable needs to get thrown in the wood chipper
/kicks self in the nuts for knowing what a flat iron is
@Jackin’
Touche, The Deadliest Catch gets a pass. That show is awesome.
@Underpants
Thanks for clearing that up and no, they offer no real protection but they do minimise the chance of taking one in the nuts. I’m essentially limiting injury to a DIRECT hit, better odds.
I’m too late to post anything of substance but I would like to add that Mad Men is the tits. I’ve been trying to get my friends to watch this show since last summer and my best friend realizes what a stone cold badass Don Draper is.
Any fucktard who carries his girlfriends foo foo dog in her $400 handbag / dog carrier apparatus.
Anyone who uses the term, “film” when they’re talking about a movie.
Those who do not pull into the intersection for a left turn
Any male who uses words like, “fabulous,” “pithy,” or “dubious”….BTW, I have a coworker who uses them all
These individuals should be referred to The Marcellus Wallace Baseball Bat & Blowtorch Therapy Group
Walking a little dog doesn’t make you gay in this one situation… Walking your maltese in the city park, and when a girl walks up and says “ah, how cute”; if you reply with this response, it’s not gay: “yes, he’s the only thing I have to remember my girlfriend since she died in a car accident because of a drunken driver”… dude, she’ll jump your rod right there! It’s gold.
guys that drive trucks with the sticker of Calvin peeing on the “other guy’s” logo
also, anyone that owns a nickelback album
Barbed wire tattoos. in the words of the late great George Carlin, if you wanna impress someone, wrap some real barbed wire around your arms you fucking pussy.
Bikers in their ridiculous full spandex gear and water bottles full of vitamin water. Drink out of the tap and buy a stationary bike so we don’t have to swerve to avoid your anymore. And for pissakes, stop riding into the left turn lane to make a left turn like you’re riding a hog. Enough of this fagottry (I think this went from emasculating to simply annoying…sorry)
“Body spray” = “I am a perfumed odalisque.”
Guy driving a blue PT cruiser with Pink Playboy logo sticker back window. Not a man, not gay…?? WTF are you ?
Wearing a tie-dyed shirt should get you the gas chamber in any decent country.
Guys who wear those flipped-up Tour de France bicycle hats when not riding their bikes (or male partners). You might as well stamp “I’m a big flaming homo” on your forehead and walk through Chelsea (NYC).
in no particular order:
flavored vodka
mixing whiskey/bourbon with ANYTHING
hats with straight brims
matching your outfit
shorts above the knee
tanning
going to a salon for a haircut
any form of organized aerobics
not being able to list all 22 starting positions on an NFL roster
my work here is done.
Dealdiest Catch makes me want to eat them delicious motherfuckers with a ice cold bud light
listening to Coldplay (because Seth Rogan says so)
@beats — Sig Hansen could crush all commentators.
\ runs away from the Northwestern
Is it reality TV? Then it’s gay.
The Deadliest Catch disagrees with you sir.
Everyone who’s contributed to this list. Because its now an abomoniation. Menthol Smokes?! WTF, Reality TV? So we’re just not supposed to watch anything, even Cops? I sweat to god the comments here have gone down in value over the last year. What happened to you fucksticks.
This shit reminds me of the end of that simpsons episode where the smartest people in springfield realized that fascist fucks.
/disincludes himself
@Hakim. My favorite line. “Dude, he just got put on the IR today. 4 months minimum.”
@rocco. No harm meant. Really. And to prove that I’m a moron(not that you need proof), I thought a wop was chinese.
My last pick, promise.
Concluding a sentence with “No homo”: You’re not fooling anyone with that. Especially you, Vince Wilfork.
People who DON’T mock others in a fantasy football league.
Unlike real life, where you’re not encouraged to tell that douchetard with the porkpie hat because it would create ‘an unhealthy office atmosphere,’ take your invective out on your old man for taking more than 60 seconds for deciding between Selvin Young or Earnest Graham. Christ, dad, make up your fucking mind already!
@K Wynn: Even being Italian, I found that funny.
/not a greasy dago wop Italin.
Side note: I had a job where we used this crazy shorthand for file notes. It took awhile to break that habit and start writing full words and sentences again. I hate the abbreviations as well.
K thx ttyl snd a txt. What you don’t believe in vowels?
Bud Light is THA SHIT. Just ice them bitches down until cold enough to crack your teeth and enjoy. Fuck that Narragansett shit, last time i was in RI it was full of dockers-wearin baby rapers and while we’re on the subject, men drink COFFEE–acceptable additions include milk and/or sugar–but best black w or w/o Jameson’s. And drink it fucking hot…if you drink iced coffee you are a fucking snout gobbler from way back. Men buy coffee at Dunkin Donuts, McDonalds or their local convenience store. If you have to sneak into Starbucks you say “medium coffee” and get the fuck out. If you use the words “grande” or “venti”, slice your shit off now
Wearing pants that are so long/low that the cuffs are all torn from being dragged underneath your heel. It might seem like class warfare, but I bet we’d manage to cull a bunch of the wealthier dickbags as well.
do you have to have chips and salsa before you bite into jose?
i know, guacamole’s extra.
Since porky brought up cannibalism. Quick question. If you attempt to grill an Italian, will it cause a grease fire? Just curious.
/ kidding
I’m about as liberal as they come, but PETA and the anti-fur fucks can eat a giant medium rare filet of whale dick.
people who abbreviate words in emails.
a keystroke takes like 1/100 of a second, dont type fucking “wknd” type “weekend”
on a side note, people that type in all caps – GO FUCKING DIE
/visible…goddamn it.
Dating/seeing/marying a chick that watches sports. Sorry, but that’s wrong. Men watch their sports alone or with other men. When a man watches sports with a woman, he becomes a woman as well. And guess what Slappy: when you bring your “cool” chick to watch sports with your buddies, your buddies are fucking pissed at you.
When watching sports, women are only allowed in the room if they’re A) bringing you a sandwich and/or 2) giving you a hummer. Absent that, get the fuck out.
I don’t believe co-ed bridal showers have been mentioned. If you don’t know why this is a problem, I can’t even begin to explain it to you.
I don’t care who’s wearing what, if there are topless 22 year old surfer girls anywhere near me, I’m blissfully unaware of anything else.
/books trip to Australia
Going antiquing. Damn, I felt gay just typing that word. I also feel gay having a cock in my mouth.
Perhaps I’m prejudice of speedo wearers for being able to pull it off. I have no doubt that if I was to wear one most of it wouldn’t be visable. That and having a camel toe instead of a bulge.
/In the corner crying now. Fuckers.
The only thing that could ruin all those topless girls running around is that since they’re Australian, by the time they hit 30 they’ll likely be the same color and texture as Hulk Hogan.
But that’s 8 years away, so fuck it.
Way late to this draft, but if you are a man and part of a bridal party as a male brides maid, you are a fag.
Frisbee Golf, anyone?
Frolf is scottish for fag.
@Tracer
“It nearly ruined all the topless 22-year-old surfer girls running around. Almost.”
Impossible…
This thread has gone full retard!
@porky. That obvious?
This thread has taken a turn for the surreal.
@sonofspam. Though I agree 100%, it should also be said that if you want tipped properly, then you best wait my table properly. If you’re trailer park sally 3 kids(with 3 different fathers), and you’re waiting 15 tables at Olive Garden and expect 20% for grinding a little pepper on my salad, you can go fuck yourself.
There were legions of barrel-shaped middle-aged dudes wearing speedos when I was in Australia. Evidently, young guys wear shorts but once a man has arrived in the world, he switches to the swim panties. It nearly ruined all the topless 22-year-old surfer girls running around. Almost.
Reading Michael Phelps Slash Fiction on Deadspin…. FTH?
@ K Wynn
absolute fiction, it is a necessity for water polo…the sport is too fucking hard as it is to have to deal with board shorts…plus when you get people punching/hanging on you I can almost promise you that shit would come off…and I’d rather have people in speedos than nothing at all…that would just be really gay
@K Wynn:
Is that how you want to be buried?
Fag.
(I keed, I keed.)
The only proper place to wear a speedo is in a casket, with the lid shut, burried 6 feet deep in the dirt. Period.
Not tipping properly. If you can’t afford the tip, stay home and drink tap water.
@ Lionel
I think the fact that it is covered, and not the only thing you are wearing makes it legit…but I don’t know how much protection it’s going to offer, ive been knee’d many a time playing water polo and i almost drowned once because of it
my problem with speedos is going to the beach/pool and seeing people laid out in them, are you people fucking kidding?
are they comfortable? No
are they aesthetically pleasing? hell no
are they inexpensive? No (although this shouldn’t matter)
Buy a pair of board shorts
2 late steals:
Eyeglasses chain.
Cig holder(except for HST).
I think an obscure irony of cannibalism that doesn’t get brought up for whatever reason is that while Kobe beef is among the most tender and flavorful cuts in the world, a steak made from Kobe Bryant would probably not taste all that good. I imagine a Kobe Bryant-steak would taste sour and rapey.
having Rihanna’s Disturbia stuck in your head … sucks brah!
@NBP
Wearing a scarf because it is freezing cold: Acceptable
Wearing a scarf for fashion purposes: Bullet in the fucking face
@porky1: I think I’d taste great. But if I could choose, please marinade me in Chivettas.
What? you mean to tell me no one took neck-kerchifs by now? That has to be the Welkahhhh of this draft. Value and emasculation all in one.
Addendum: As far as the human butcher shop goes I think I’d be good eatin’. I have a nice mixture of fatty tissue and lean muscle mass. A cannibal would pay Kobe-beef prices for leg of porky1.