Commenter Draft: Self-Emasculating Act That Would Be Punishable By Death
I guess I should preface this by saying that, sincerely, I’m not a fascist person. I think a world where everyone is doing their own thing can wonderful, and can enrich everyone. It’s been said that our flaws are what make us beautiful, and no statement rings truer in my dainty ears.
That said, there are a bunch of assholes out there ruining this place for the rest of us. And most of those fuckheads are men. Yes, it’s regrettable that women out there have rights and stuff now. But that doesn’t grant you license to drag your feet through life like a little girl who just had her favorite doll chopped up in the lawn mower. Next time, don’t leave it laying in the yard, you big sissy.
YOU’RE A FUCKING MAN! Act like it. We’re all in this shitstorm together. If one of us fails in upholding the standards of manhood that took literally thousands of years to establish, WE ALL FAIL. No man is a fucking island. Yes, it’s a burden being the only gender that actually takes life seriously. If it was easy, anyone could sew on a dick and do it.
And that brings us to the scenario for this week’s Mock Draft…
A new dictatorship has just taken over America. And instead of this new government deciding to burden you with the complex annihilation of specific civil liberties (and the moral implications involved therein), the new regime has given you the easy job: refining the stronger half of the human race. You’re selecting one attribute or act that would identify any man half-assing his way through mandom. Anyone seen on the street engaged in this act will be hauled off and put out of his misery, thereby putting us out of ours. Anything that YOU identify as a red flag is in play.
(And please leave your historical precedents at the door; we’re just picking stuff that annoys us.)
My first selection is any man with an earring.
This isn’t even “rebellious in a conformist sort of way” anymore. It’s like stapling a dick to your face. What could this possibly add to your self image? “Dude, check it out! HOOPS!” Get fucked, Jo-Jo. Off to the guillotine with your sorry ass.
You’re in charge now. You know the rules. Get to work.
Tags: commenter drafts, MMP, we don't all have to wear blue jeans and boots but come on
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:33 am
Driving a Volkswagon – especially a Jetta or Bug
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:33 am
Nail polish on a guy
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:35 am
Take the man out of ‘manicure’ you big pussies
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:37 am
Men wearing eyeliner need to die.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:38 am
going into bath and body works by yourself, and not buying a gift for someone. you suck.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:39 am
Walking. Tiny. Dogs.
That’s going to be the cornerstone of my Anti-Man Behavior Franchise for years to come.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:40 am
Chest shaving. I mean look at this guy:
http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2008/06/introducing-drew-magary-%e2%80%93-a-man-with-balls.html
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:41 am
Jeans and mandals – I thought I made this perfectly clear that this was gaaaaaaayyyyyyyyeeeeeeee
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:42 am
Willfully attending, watching, or enjoying a musical. Especially Grease.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:42 am
Here’s a list of men that are allowed to wear tight pants: football players, baseball players, the Rolling Stones.
Men in skinny jeans must DIE.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:42 am
Anyone who snaps his fingers by flicking his wrist down like he’s strumming a guitar, then repeating the act 50 times in a row. Practice jerking off the other Pikes in some other fashion, frat-tard.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:43 am
Any comments made by the KSK staff (especially Drew) in this particular thread are meant to further their Gaywad Agenda and thus violate the spirit of this draft. Brother, beware.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:43 am
seeing a chick flick without her seeing a guy movie.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:43 am
Wearing crocs
Just…don’t
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:44 am
If you carry one of those man purses, you definitely love to smoke pole…get a fucking wallet or money clip.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:45 am
Wearing a ring that isn’t your wedding ring, college ring, or a championship ring of some sort.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:46 am
working at yankee candle. how could that even cross your mind whan you have a Y chromosome.
also, there are many musicals that don’t suck. i’m more man than most, and the producers was fucking hilarious.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:46 am
Hair Gel. Any amount, at any time, for any reason.
You’re not in the mafia, you’re not hip, you’re just gay. Plain and simple.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:48 am
@HOC
THANK. YOU.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:48 am
Dear big dave’s parents:
Terribly sorry your son smokes pole.
Sincerely,
Men everywhere.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:48 am
Using sports analogies in not sport related situations. We get it, you were in the math club in high school.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:48 am
Going out and buying tampons, etc.
I know, it means you’re getting some, and we all know its better when the river’s flowing red… but make her take the walk.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:49 am
WEARING PINK. For the love of God just STOP IT.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:50 am
Employment as a barista.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:50 am
Men that mix their bourbon with coke.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:51 am
Male figure skating…… watching it, participating in it, talking about it.
\We’re limiting this to male skating because, well, Tanith Belbin makes EA look like a bag lady
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:51 am
Sunglasses while playing poker.
Look just admit you need to cheat to play – then fuck off and die.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:51 am
Popped Collars…just plain fucking stupid
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:51 am
men wearing capri’s should be killed by Terry Tate.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:52 am
Drinking Martini’s or Cosmos
Man the fuck up and order a boilermaker or a Manhattan.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:52 am
Not paying child support. The kids will be better off with you being dead you irresponsible fucktard. Maybe not a capital offense, but a forced castration at minimum.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:52 am
@Barack has a posse:
Great pick. Any dude who has allowed himself to be subjected to Grease more than once is no friend of mine.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:52 am
what, so no one else thought the producers was funny? really? REALLY??RRREEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAALLLLLYYYYYYY???????????
next someone’s gonna tell me that we aren’t allowed to like blazing saddles.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:52 am
Intentionally making your hair messy and spikey. I’m not talking about being lazy here. If you spend time making your hair look spikey, I should get to spend time making you bleed
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:53 am
Going to a restaurant and ordering ANYTHING with Tofu in it. The lady says you need to lose weight? You have to eat healthier? Well fucking exercise – lift some fucking weights. If you’re caught eating tofu, then you should have your balls ripped off by Tiny Lister.
/takes deep breath
//kills tofu eater
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:54 am
Mel Brooks sucks. History of the World makes me want to autoerotically asphyxiate myself to the point of death.
Wait, is that unmanly behavior?
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:54 am
Confederate Flag bumper stickers. Yeah, I understand that you’re from the South or white trash and your heritage is sooooo important to you. But you also don’t see Catholics sporting bumper stickers that rep the Inquisition. Die
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:54 am
Pretending at feminism and feigning interest in college girls’ fleeting interests just to get laid. Every man is trying to get trim- but c’mon, be a man about a-chasin’ pussy.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:56 am
I want to say wearing soccer jerseys in public that support Chelsea, but that’ll just get me in trouble.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:56 am
Men who drink margaritas or pina coladas…Man up and drink some 101 proof Wild Turkey or at least shoot Tequila!
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:56 am
Dude at Bar: “I’ll have a Mike’s Hard Lemonade”
Bartender: “Here you go, young lady”
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:57 am
Sex with girls. I mean, who doesn’t want to hang out with guys all the time?
Also, Ryno needs to learn something about booze (and pluralizing words):
Drinking Martini’s
Ummm… yeah. That James Bond, what a fag.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:57 am
You see those Low-Cal frozen dinners? If you’re excited about those you are a fucking pussy. Wonder what makes them low cal? They’re fucking no-taste appetizers.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:58 am
Man tan.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:58 am
Cardigan Sweaters. If you’re not 75 years old, leave it in the closet
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:59 am
Let’s amend the martini one- a martini is a drink with either gin, or vodka, and a drop of vermouth. It is served with olives. Men drink martinis. For lunch. Then they go back to the office and bang the secretary.
Just because your nancy-boy drink ends in -tini, does not mean you are a man. If the drink starts with anything but mar, you are the biggest catcher in the Castro.
A chocolatini? How was your brazillian wax, sally?
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:00 am
Fannypacks = gay
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:00 am
BAHAHA. My love of musicians/hipster boys means virtually every boy I’ve liked recently has been guilty of one or more of these apparent atrocities. Sad!
…but seriously, guys who order Bud Light at a bar. What the fuck is that? Even I don’t order Bud Light (unless it’s because they have those cool Red Sox special edition aluminum bottles because I am a stupid homer). You’re buying a rack for a Beirut party, fine. You’re out at a bar with Narragansett and Molson Canadian on tap and you order fucking Bud Light in a bottle? We are SO never making out.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:00 am
Diet Sodas. Motherfucker, if you so worried about the caloric content of a can of Coke, walk around the fucking block afew times. I’m sure the fatburgers you’re stuffing down your gullet has a greater effect than a 12 oz can of Coke.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:01 am
White belts
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:02 am
Wearing any of the following:
Fluorescent 80’s style t-shirt
Fluorescent 80’s style painter hat perched at a jaunty angle.
Black checkered converses.
Comically oversized Bar Mitzvah-style sunglasses.
Stop trying to look like late 80s/early 90s era Fresh Prince. You’re white, it’s 2008, you weigh 85 pounds, and its fucking embarrassing.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:02 am
Throwing a hissy fit about the way your wife wants to decorate the house. As my Papi put it when asked his opinion, “Caring about that shit is much gayer than a fluffy pink bedspread.”
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:03 am
Men who marry women who allow the woman to keep their own last name. You lose that battle, you’ve lost the war.
@Ryno: Spot on. Any drink served in a martini glass is gay.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:03 am
Brady Quinn replica jerseys for the win.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:03 am
@Gooch
You just described what I assume Maj wears everyday….
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:04 am
Guys who hyphenate their last names after marriage.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:05 am
highlighted or bleached tips. seems to be closely related to the popped collar.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:05 am
Yeah, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to voice disagreement with the anti-martini sentiment. A tall, well-dressed guy drinking a dirty martini is about as sexy as it gets.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:05 am
Manscaping. My shit is furry, ladies. Deal.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:06 am
Have to disagree, FMRA. A well-dressed guy drinking bourbon is always sexier.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:07 am
Jew-fros, and I speak as a recovering Jew-fro wearer.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:07 am
I agree with Kramer; the list of acceptable rings for a man are, in order: Wedding, Championship, Power. So unless you’re married, a champion or Green Lantern, knock that shit off.
I’ll take drinking any primary colored alcohol that comes with an umbrella. Unless you’re on a Caribbean vacation, being a girl-drink drunk is shamefully unmanly.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:07 am
taking more than 2.5 seconds to order your drink at starbucks. in fact, drinking at starbucks is highly suspect.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:07 am
Thin, skinny, manicured beards.
Guh.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:07 am
Shopping at Men’s Express.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:08 am
Bullshit advertising that that implies you’ll be a real man if only you buy that bullshit product.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:08 am
Listening to a cd by any Boy Band, Madonna, Pink, etc
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:08 am
The double Popped collar……. Bad enough you pop one then another over the top of that in pastel colors? DIE!
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:09 am
Driving a Miata, get fucked man.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:09 am
* that time includes that phrase, “i’ll take a…”
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:11 am
ice in a good scotch
that shit is delicious, why do you want to put water in it anyway?
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:11 am
Enjoying roughly 98% of the bands reviewed on Pitchfork.
The 2% of acceptable musical acts found on that god-awful website include Ghostface, the Clipse, and Wu-Tang. And that’s it.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:11 am
Scheduling anything during a sporting event. This includes weddings, graduations, funerals, emergency surgery. A douchebag had the nerve to ask me to stand up in his wedding on the day of a college football game. I told him no, because same-sex marriage is illegal in Michigan.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:12 am
Ooh, mamacita. Men + bourbon does indeed = sexy. Can we shanghai this draft into a “things we think are sexy” draft? I always like those.
But, as long as we’re here: men who still go by names that end in “-y” at the age of 25+. Jimmy, Bobby, yes, even you, Tommy… it’s lame. Grow up.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:13 am
@bigdave, the very fact that you think you need anyones permission to do anything = fail. Cut off your penis now.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:13 am
Diabetics everywhere to L-Jam: Fuck you.
My selection: Driving a non-4WD SUV. It’s a fucking minivan, and you’re not fooling anyone, you pussy. Same goes for you “Crossover” drivers. My mom drove one of those when they were called station wagons.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:14 am
Please note that “flubby” is exempted from my earlier rule. Duh.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:14 am
anyone who’s ever dressed up as ANYTHING to go to any variety of convention. even you, darth vader. yes, you’re awesome, but if you were a real man, you’d be out getting laid. or drunk. or at a sporting event. or all 3.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:15 am
So unless you’re married, a champion or Green Lantern, knock that shit off
That was hilarious.
And wearing Old Spice cologne. This isn’t 1975, you’re not Mark Spitz or a porn star so don’t do it. That commercial with the chicks hanging on every word the piano guy sings is bullshit.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:15 am
Everything done by any man on “Sunset Tan.” I swear, that fucker with the frosted tips spends $500 to get his hair cut with a Flowbee.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:15 am
Wearing an Alex Rodriguez jersey, irrespective of the name on the front.
The penalty is double if it’s a Yankees jerey though.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:16 am
Points for the thin beard pick, the Miata pick, and Bud Light pick.
My pick is guys who wear pony tails. I say that’s a steal this far in.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:17 am
@ big dave. What about my Flesh Gordon costume?
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:17 am
@ Tracer Bullet
ruling: acceptable.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:17 am
Boo j4b. As much as I typically respect your opinions, I must take issue with your comment on the grounds that “the piano guy” is BRUCE FREAKING CAMPBELL. Old Spice I could take or leave, but Bruce Campbell deserves — nay, DEMANDS — the utmost respect.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:18 am
Protesting for a Free Tibet. Just admit you are just trying to get laid and try something else
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:18 am
Sorry, J4B, you’re TOTALLY wrong about that one. Old Spice is the only acceptable thing. (Well, Bay Rhum if you were a history major). Buying a cologne made after 1940= GAY. FMRA?
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:18 am
also would have accepted edward penishands.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:19 am
that came out poorly. but edward penishands is hilarious.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:19 am
@ Reservoir Dog:
I worked with a guy named McGowan who married a woman named Keely. They changed their last names to McKee. He did not thank me when I suggested that he go all the way and change his first name to Pussy.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:20 am
“You see this? THIS… is my BOOM STICK!”
Recognize.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:20 am
Tattoos all over the body.
A couple is fine, whatever. But when your body looks like somebody vomited rainbow sherbert all over it, take your 137 pieces of flair and shove them up your ass.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:21 am
@futureMrs.Rick – damn right. Ash must get da respect
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:21 am
that was just pillow talk, baby.
we can only aspire to be as much man as “the chin”.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:21 am
This is past its culture relevance expiration date. I don’t care. Those stupid Gilligan’s Island bucket hats that were the rage earlier this decade.
No. Just no.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:21 am
Cock-blocking by being “the friend”
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:21 am
@Shinons — and on that note … toupees. Nut up — you’re bald.
You’re right FMRA: we need to have the sexy draft soon.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:22 am
The Baby Backpack,
other humans are not fucking accessories, and I know that you are not so goddamn busy that you need that child strapped to you. Fucking Europeans.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:22 am
The fishnet wife beater at the gym. I don’t care how big or tough you are. You look like a queer who just got done turning tricks on the corner in that thing.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:23 am
Alright, you primitive screw-heads. Listen up.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:23 am
I threw a bachelor party last weekend.
An attendee had the nerve to show up to Atlantic City with his wife and newborn child. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Granted, we didn’t hang out with wife and baby, but I’m still recovering from the sheer magnitude of vaginosity that I witnessed that day.
/faints
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:23 am
Ordering a steak past Medium Rare.
It was blood. Now it’s juice.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:24 am
@ TDub — again, false. Babies are very bad at holding beers, and people get all mad when you drop them. (The beer, that is.)
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:24 am
do you know who the jonas borhters are? than you’re a fag. (unless you have kids)
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:25 am
Listening to Dave Matthews, who actually sounds like he’s been physically emasculated, has to be up there.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:25 am
men who use smiley faces in emails or sports message boards should get the auschwitz treatment. I especially hate the animated faces, rolling around laughing and what not… express your emotions in text form, shitdick.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:26 am
Yoga. Can’t believe it fell this far.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:26 am
@tracer bullet:
Anybody that watches sunset tan.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:26 am
Watching America’s Next Top Model
no excuse…ever……EVER!
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:27 am
Not knowing how to drive a manual transmission. This but a part of our growing Nancyfication, but one that irks me the most.
Oh, and +1 to the defense of Bruce Campbell and Gin martinis.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:27 am
Any man that believes in gun control should be stabbed to death. Bitch.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:27 am
Yeah, I’m not sure where I stand on Old Spice/colognes in general. Some dudes can pull them off, and some can’t. Like double-breasted suits. I will say that I used to date a guy that wore Lacoste cologne and I absolutely loved it. But, I also like shit like man-jewelry. Fuck!
Ok, I know I might get holy hellfire rained down on me for this, but: guys that watch chick TV shows. Seriously. I hung out with a guy once (operative word: ONCE) who asked if we could CHANGE A HOCKEY GAME TO WATCH SCRUBS. NO. NO YOU FUCKING CANNOT. TAKE YOUR SHIT AND GET OUT.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:27 am
In that vein-
Watching American Idol.
No. It’s televised karaoke. FUCK. NO.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:28 am
Guys who ask other people who should be their keepers in a fantasy league. . . . . sack up Johnny make a decision for once in your miserable life.
- Man card revoked or suspended depending on who is actually on the team.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:28 am
Drinking any form of Smirnoff Ice, Mike’s Hard Lemonade, or other such fruity piss concoctions while tailgating. Drop the fucking Zima and man-the-fuck-up and have a beer.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:28 am
Bruce who? Whateva. Old Spice…are you kidding me? You might as well get some Axe body spray and drive and IROC Z-28 there lassies. But, whatever floats your boats I guess.
Next up – men riding BMX bicycles. YOU ARE NOT IN THE X-GAMES. You look like you stole a kid’s bike. Give up the dream and get a mountain bike…or better yet buy a car you loser. The only real good that comes out of this is when they wind up on Ufford’s site in a big bloody heap.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:29 am
@TDub. That’s one fucking steal of a pick. Well done.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:29 am
@FMRA — Good call. A guy who prefers Scrubs to Hockey must be removed from the gene pool.
@TDub — total steal. Can’t believe we forgot it. In fact, now I’m a little suspicious about how you thought of it…
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:30 am
@smperk: I completely agree re: the Chelsea jersey.
@mamacita: I don’t know, Hugo by Hugo Boss is just about the hottest thing ever.
Drinking Blue Moon or that “beer” that tastes like fruit loops. I don’t care if it’s summer, those are girly drinks.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:30 am
Eep! Excellent call on not knowing how to drive stick as proof of Nancification. I grew up driving stick because I had to in order to be able to drive the POS Volvo sedan my parents got me. Recently went on a date with a guy who claimed to be a car aficionado, and DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE ONE. My god. Next!
Oh, and hugs to everyone for the Ash love. Hail to the king, baby!
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:31 am
@smurphette- what, Skittlebrau isn’t manly?
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:31 am
Allowing women to tell us what’s manly. Pipe down over there FMRA, smurphette, and Mamacita. This is not the draft for you.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:31 am
Liberals. Pussys.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:32 am
Give me some sugar, baby.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:32 am
Wearing anything that would qualify your picture to get posted on http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:33 am
Not knowing how to dress one’s self properly. A grown man should be able to wear a clean, pressed suit that fits properly with a clean, pressed shirt and a tie. The colors should match. The color of your socks should match your pants (unless you have enough panache to be different and if you’re not sure then you don’t) and your socks should cover up your damned leg. Nobody wants to see your ugly, skinny calves. Your shoes should match your belt and matching your pocket square to your tie is tacky. Now shave, get a decent haircut and buya nice hat, you filthy fucking dirtbag. Oh, and a watch face the size of a dinner plate makes you look like an asshole.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:34 am
GPS in your car. If you don’t know where it is, fucking use mapquest and print the directions out. Or better yet, just the map if it’s daytime; the position of the sun is either SE in the morning, due S in mid-afternoon, SW at night. Non-orienteering pussies.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:34 am
Michelob Ultra.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:34 am
Men who think it’s disgusting if women don’t shave their bush. Preference is one thing, but disgust? That makes you a pedophile AND a douchebag. Please remove yourself from the gene pool.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:35 am
@TB- slow clap. Get out of my brain, sir.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:36 am
Live in a subdivision in the suburbs with a half acre yard and own a riding lawn mower? Death for you, sissy boy! If you’re too feeble to push a lawn mower around your yard for half an hour a week, you’re clearly too feeble to continue polluting the gene pool.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:36 am
@ FMRA – Gotta disagree with you there. Scrubs is not a chick show, and unless it was college hockey it’s not worth watching. That shit got relegated to Versus for a reason.
I’ll take stuffed animals on your bed anytime after you’re 11. I don’t care if you live with your wife/girlfriend, there’s no excuse.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:37 am
One time this guy at work said that his dog was “gosh darn cute”. It probably didn’t annoy anyone else, but I began to sweat in fury.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:37 am
Men who wear eye glasses as fashion accessories and not to, you know, fucking actually see better. I would like to take your fake eye glasses from your face and stab you in the carotid artery with them.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:37 am
@ Tracer Bullet
you watch Sunset Tan? i think i just drafted you.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:38 am
Having any of the following stickers on your car:
Dog prints
Stick figures saying how many kids you have
Baby on board
Duke Alumni
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:38 am
@Gooch. Dissin’ tha wimmins. Clearly latent.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:38 am
Watching “Grey’s Anatomy” and bragging about it in a NFL blog
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:38 am
wearing screen print t-shirts.
t-shirts have three viable incarnations for men over 23: plain white for under your work shirt, plain black for house and yard work (and the post-work moerlien) and plain grey – because hey, variety is the spice of life.
if you really have to feel sassy, buy the pack with the pockets on the front.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:38 am
Owning a cat….pussies
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:39 am
Thank you, thank you,
and since I’m on such a roll, I will take using a BLUETOOTH in public. It used to be that women were the talkier sex, but not anymore thanks to these turbo-chodes. Now guys can just gab in public and use their two hands to order scones at starbucks.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:39 am
@ dinosaur
Damn good point. If the evening has progressed to the point where you get to find out what kind of topiary is going on down there, then enjoy it. Unless she’s twatscaped it into the shape of a swastika or Hello Kitty, I could really care less.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:40 am
Guys who can’t or won’t do simple automotive maintenance themselves, ie change a tire, air filter or change their oil. I don’t mean being lazy every once in a while because you don’t want to deal with the oil mess once in a while but refusing or not knowing how to.
/guess it keeps Jifffy Lube open
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:40 am
Gotta go with Mikes Hard Lemonade on this one.
Face it, whats the one alcoholic beverage you see featured on “To Catch A Predator”.
Exactly.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:40 am
TDub is on a roll. Glad you could take a break from AAAC to stop by.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:40 am
Yes. All the respect to the Ash disciples.
This pick is about gold and those who wear too much of it. Especially the watch/necklace/bracelet/ring combo. One at a time people, one at a time.
And why are you wearing a bracelet anyway you muppet!
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:41 am
Dudes shorter than 5′10″ To me a man, you’ve got to step-up to the mic – not step on to the ladder, then shimmy-up to the mic. Next time, choose taller parents.
Also, men start at 180 lbs. You and your tight ass can squeeze into a Madigans Jr. for back to school shopping…
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:41 am
@ MarionCobretti-
Well, I always say “hello, kitty”, but that’s just being polite.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:41 am
@mamacita. Just because I watched women’s gymnastics last week doesn’t mean I’m gay. Alicia Sacramone has big tits, right? Right? Anyone?
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:41 am
bikini briefs. hell, briefs of any kind. Boxers, my man. Boxers.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:41 am
Eh, so I like the occasional trashy TV show. There’s nothing less manly than constantly worrying about one’s manliness. Those guys are the steroid-abusing date rapists in the super-tight t-shirts who are always looking for a fight. What is a man if not comfortable in his own skin?
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:42 am
Tracer Bullet – i think we need to discuss the fact you know anything about the show “Sunset Tan” – thats certifiably gay.
my draft pick has to be wallet chains – go hang you and your ex-JNCO-pipe-jeans-wearing-self with that shit. it wasn’t cool in ‘94, and its kevin spacey gay now, fucktard…
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:42 am
Gooch, of course it makes you a man. It just makes you a pedophile.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:43 am
Twatscaping in the shape of Hello Kitty is the most disturbing mental image I’ve ever gotten from KSK. Just think about what an accomplishment that is.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:43 am
I can assume that watching Chalres Haley crank one out can be pretty emasculating.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:44 am
Thinking that WithLeather is better now that the morning pictures are all SFW….
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:44 am
@ Jebus. Were it not for all the casual racism, I’d kill to have been an ad man in the early 60s. “Mad Men” is a great show, but I’d watch it just to see men who act and look like grown men.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:45 am
Listening to Bright Eyes.
No, Conor Oberst is not the new Bob Dylan. He is a spoiled suburbanite pretending to be deep and introspective, when all is he is essentially Tobey Maguire imitating Robert Smith. His dark, melancholy life experiences are pretentious bullshit and his voice can peel fucking paint. Stop trying to push his solo projects on me, it’s not “the most mainstream thing he’s ever done.” It’s pure unadulterated faggotry and I reject it on principle.
Hmm, think I was lashing out at a friend of mine there…
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:45 am
@MarionCobretti: +1000 for use of the word “twatscape,” and for using it as a verb. I demand that Oxford English Dictionary add “twatscape” to their fine work of reference.
For my next pick, I’ll take guys who take unbearable abuse from their girlfriends, but still won’t break up with them. Sadly, I have friends who fit this description.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:45 am
+1 to Manual transmission comment – I once had to teach a kid to drive standard after he bought the car and realized he couldnt fucking drive it…moron
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:45 am
If you order a salad for lunch. Please die.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:46 am
There’s a ton of this in Boston: Hipsters customizing their bikes with flourescent colors and mirrors. What is this Quadrophenia? Fuck off and buy a Prius assholes.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:47 am
Men watching ANY form of reality TV- there I said it. That shit is manufactured for starfucking drama whores and is the bane of television existence. And don’t give me this “man, it’s such a trainwreck! The poeple are such douchebags, I love to see them FAIL!” As long as you’re paying attention to them, you’re helping them “win”. So please stop.
ps. Although I agree with pretty much everything that’s been mentioned above, I have to say that, yes, I still ride a BMX bike. Go ahead and hate, but some shit ya just never outgrow.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:47 am
Muscle heads who throw the dumbells around while making loud grunting noises just before they high 5 their buddy and slap each other on the ass. Can you not put the equipment back? Are you an adult? Can you please wipe the bench clean of your sweat and bacne residue you grubby mutant fucktaster!!!!!
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:47 am
Overcompensation.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:47 am
@ Tracer- you and I were born in the wrong time, my friend.
I keep trying to bring back the “office bar”, but they tell me that Office Max isn’t the place for that. Particularly since I don’t work there.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:47 am
@ Hustler: I would add any bumper sticker of a losing presidential ticket more than 4 months after an election. We get it, you’re driving around with a fist of defiance in the air. Now do the right thing and wrap your car around an oak.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:47 am
@L-Jam
Amen.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:47 am
@ Travis Henry’s…
+3 Quadrophenia reference. Underrated album, unintentionally funny movie.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:48 am
@GG
well said sir, reality TV makes you stupid.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:48 am
@mamacita
Umm…thank you?
Also, I’ve noticed a lot of talk about drinks here, but nothing about shots. Shots are made from whiskey or tequila. I’m not sure what this mix of blue curacao, pineapple juice, butterscotch schnapp’s, Yoo Hoo, and Splenda that you just gave me is, Shirley, but it’s not a shot. Now kindly go jump into the bear cage at the zoo.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:48 am
Taking a cross country trip to fix grammer on signs
http://www.boston.com/news/local/massachusetts/articles/2008/08/22/men_banned_from_national_parks_after_vandalism/
Oh.My.Dear.God
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:48 am
Putting Sweet ‘N Low in/on anything. There’s a reason it’s in a pink package.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:48 am
@Jebus. Phew! That was a close one there.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:50 am
MAD MEN
MAD MEN
LOVE IT
Between Bruce Campbell and Don Draper/Roger Sterling, I’d say we’ve got ourselves some fine male role models on the board.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:50 am
Dudes that sit next to one another in a booth.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:50 am
@Juice Springsteen,
Bravo, my good man. Though you should try living in MN where there are thousands of WELLSTONE! stickers still floating around 6 YEARS after he died in a plane crash. God, I should move.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:50 am
Not knowing how to tie a square knot
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:50 am
Breathing and Eating. Only fags dig necessities.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:51 am
@ Jebus. I don’t see why not. Hell, it’s got “Office” right in the damn name. One of the reasons I wanted to become a reporter was so I could keep a bottle of whiskey in my desk. Learning that keeping a bottle in my desk would get me fired was one of the most deflating moments of my life.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:51 am
@FMRA – when don draper can intimidate a women by shoving his hand up her crotch, and then still sleep with her the next day, you got a real man there…
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:51 am
Sandals and jeans. Especially the leather sandals with little holes in them. Sandals are vacationing and women. There are maybe five guys who can pull it off: Jimmy Buffett, The Dude, Jeff Spicoli, the guy from the Dos Equis commercials, and…the guy who fixed my front porch for 100 bucks. That’s about it. Otherwise, take off those disgusting things and buy a pair of New Balances or put on some shorts so your footwear has some fucking context.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:52 am
@rusrus
That reminds me: dudes who saddle up to a urinal right next to you when there are many other urinal options available to them.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:52 am
@HoC– I drove to another county once to use reflecting tape on a sign to make a pun with an apostrophe.
And it’s grammar.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:52 am
Not following the “1 urinal stall gap” rule. As men, we all understand that handling our equipment requires at least a 2 foot comfort zone. If you don’t understand the rule, then you don’t understand the need for room to work.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:52 am
@ Tracer-
A friend of mine made partner at another firm, and got himself the office bar. He has 2 kinds of scotch, a bourbon, and vodka. Are there mixers? There is ice, does that count?
/so jealous.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:53 am
@ Hustler of Culture:
I’m from Somerville, and trust me this place is teeming with pretentious assholes like that guy. He probably shops at Whole Foods with his Camera Obscura T-Shirt and his bike seat hanging out of his EMS messenger bag.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:53 am
@The Gooch & Jebus
Alicia Sacramone being really hot = confirmed, and is 20 so dodged the pedophile bullet on that one, and there is a video of her knocking a dude out on deadspin.
/little bit of a crush
next draft pick:
surprised this lasted, guys who don’t eat meat, seriously you aren’t a damn brontosaurus use your incisors like a man and meat is delicious to qoute Leary “meat tastes like death and death tastes good”
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:53 am
Telling your son, “good job,” after a soccer game where he danced-around like a butterfly catcher as the other team’s star player broke past and scored. A man would make his kid feel like a feckless suburban pansy on the long walk to the minivan – no goddamn treat for Nancy this time…
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:53 am
Misuse/over-use of the terms “dude” and “bro”.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:53 am
@Fletch — no, you’ve got a fictional man there.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:54 am
Guys who allow their kids to have hyphenated last names in order to build the wife’s family name in. This is a relatively recent phenomenon, and of course no one has thought of what will happen in about ten years or so when one kid with a double barreled name marries another double barreled name. What are they going to do – give their kid FOUR last names?
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:54 am
Having more than 5 pairs of shoes means you love the meat popsicle. Men should have the following:
- One pair of black dress shoes
- One pair of running shoes
- One pair of sandals (and not those fucking Birkenstock things either)
- A pair of workboots
- Any other pair of shoes – can be boots, running shoes, dress shoes etc.
Also, no dress boots that have zippers on the sides; what the fuck?
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:54 am
Inviting women into your fantasy football league gets you the eugenics-shake
Seeing as I lack the money and WASPiness, keeping women out is the closest I’ll ever get to Augusta National.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:54 am
Pilates “for men” Man up, Sally. Hit the heavy bag.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:54 am
@ Tdub
I saw a guy in a stock mustang covertable w/ a bluetooth in his ear while driving on the freeway….
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:54 am
@THDR – I went to Tufts so most of those pretentious asshole are probably classmates of mine
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:55 am
@Tub:
The one urinal gap also applies to the movie theatre. If you go to the movies with another guy, you don’t sit in the seat right beside him…you leave a seat in-between. One of my homo-erotic friends thought it would be a good idea to cuddle up to me in the theatre and I was not too impressed.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:56 am
@mamacita – but you went to mess up the sign – that’s completely different.
Also I studied engineering so spelling any word correctly is a victory for me
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:56 am
Giving a flying fuck about what other people think about what you do.
Oh, and owning the Steve Miller Band’s Greatest Hits album.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:56 am
Any man who owns more than one shirt. What are you, a runway model cock-chugger?
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:56 am
@Bsac-
what do we do with that?
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:56 am
MarionCobretti: Amen to the shots one, brother. When I’m tending bar I have a rule for guys ordering shots. With very few exceptions, if you can’t tell what’s in the shot by the name of the shot, go get your girl to order it. You fellas aren’t there with girls? Shots of Jack it is. Do enough of them and you can act like you didn’t remember jerking each other off at the end of the night.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:57 am
Ordering anything other than one or more of the trinity at a BBQ joint… beef (preferably brisket), pork (preferably ribs), and sausage. If you want chicken, go to Boston Market. If you want a turkey sandwich, go to, oh I don’t know, any fucking deli anywhere.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:59 am
Any derivative of the following sentence:
“Do you mind if I grill my eggplant asiago before you guys do the chicken? I just don’t want them to touch.”
You’re right, we should hold up feeding everyone else so your food doesn’t feel violated. Douchenozzle.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:59 am
sunglasses indoors or on public transportation where there is shade. fuck man…(lanyard optional)
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:59 am
Smoking Crystal Meth…
It’s called “sucking the glass dick” for a reason. Man up and smoke a joint, or do some actual coke, you cheap fuck.
Or just drink until you puke.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:59 am
You listen to Belle & Sebastian? Please go far, far away from me. You liked the music in the movie Juno? Eat a bullet. Now.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:59 am
Watching tennis.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:59 am
Calling up another man just to talk. This happened to me once some time around 1995 and I still haven’t completely recovered. You call me to figure out which bar we’re meeting at, to bitch about a blown call in the baseball game, or to see if I’m getting more weed any time soon. Otherwise you leave me the fuck alone.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:59 am
Im Making a late entry here, and if someone already took it, then… WORD.
Guys who have hair cuts that obviously took more than 2 minutes to fix when they go out. Dude stop acting like a girl, your fruity ass haircut doesnt turn the bitches on because they dont want to get with a dude that will be in the bathroom more than they will
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:00 am
@Uncle Jesse
If you want a turkey sandwich, go to, oh I don’t know,
any fucking deli anywhereyour boyfriend’s house.August 22nd, 2008 at 11:00 am
“Drinking Martini’s ”
This has been touched on a few times but I have something to add.
The Martini (like the Daquiri before it) has been hijacked. It used to be the Martini was chilled Gin plus olives (dry martinis should only have about two molecules of vermouth). That is cocktail my friends.
Unfortunately, martinis are now made with fruit juices, skittles and bonbons and are synonymous with sex and the city.
I’m seriously worried that in the year 2040 I will order a Maker’s Mark on the rocks and recieve a cranberry juice and malibu with a tampon garnish.
Said indeed.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:01 am
@ HoC:
That dude was definitely a Porter Square style/Harvard educated asshole as opposed to a Davis Square hipster.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:01 am
people who want youth sports not to keep score…
are you kidding? This is one of the most inane things I have ever fucking heard
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:01 am
@FMRA – Women’s Tennis in HD is amazing. I hadn’t watched tennis in forever until I got HD. They don’t even have to be playing…just be on screen
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:01 am
Driving a hybrid.
if you cared that much about cheap gas, you’d ride a motorcycle.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:02 am
@ dinosaur:
Amen. My Bright Eyes-loving friend (I think I’ve lost that boy) has tried unsuccessfully to introduce me to all sorts of whiny, pussy-face indie ear feces like B & S, the Black Keys, the Dresden Dolls, Elliot Smith…I can’t handle it. It’s not even that I feel gay listening to it, but most of it just SUCKS.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:02 am
any man that admits to having a “man-crush”
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:02 am
Every man needs to know how to cook at least three animals. Baby counts as one.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:03 am
Players who miss tackles (any sport where tackling is required). Hey D-Backs, wake the fuck up!!! Enough with trying to get on the highlight reel, wrap up the legs and bring him down!!! No one gives a shit if you make a big hit and dance around like jackass.
Leading to…
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:03 am
@FMRA– OUCH! Have you not observed the hotness of Roger Federer! Or are guys with all their teeth not your thing?
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:05 am
I will defend the Black Keys here. What’s not to like? It’s just some guys playing grimey-ass blues licks. You can definitely get shitfaced and punch people in the face while listening to it, which in my book makes them manly.
I’ll admit I’ve never been to one of their shows, so maybe their fans are all a bunch of pussies, but you wouldn’t think so by listening to their music. At least I wouldn’t.
/crosses fingers hoping I didn’t just step in some serious shit
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:05 am
@Porky1,
I agree with you, though I think the Black Keys are legit, they just somehow got embraced by the aforementioned crowd.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:05 am
@ L-Jam:
So is veal the same as “baby cow” or is it a seperate category? Because if baby versions of animals are seperate categories, I can double my menu.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:05 am
d-bags that tell their girlfriend about what goes on at a batchelor party, low budget and classless, might as well narc on your friends for cheating (real men don’t)
/is that a twofer?
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:05 am
Bahahah nicely played, mamacita… I just find tennis impossibly lame. Probably because I’m a meathead hockey fan. Teeth? Teeth are for bitches.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:06 am
@BSac agreed — living in Boston, I run into this in like 5/10 guys with Tom Brady and it pisses me off to no end, yea the guy is a good football player, great, get over it
plus he went to Michigan, so fuck him
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:06 am
@porky1
What!? Most of that I don’t have a problem with, but the Black Keys fit BDD’s musical category of “Songs that make me want to run through a goddamned brick wall.”
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:06 am
@the gooch,
fucking mind reader.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:06 am
@ Big Dave
“also, there are many musicals that don’t suck. i’m more man than most, and the producers was fucking hilarious.”
All I’m reading is “also, I like men’s penis’ in and around me at all times. especially Mathew Brodericks”.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:07 am
spray on tans
@Kramer: Scrubs IS gay. You probably liked Garden State too pussy.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:07 am
here’s on that gripes my ass; wearing a ballcap not associated with a sports team or athletic manufacturer. oh, you like rockstar and want to wear a hat that suggests that? fuck you.
also, your hat is either forwards, or sometimes backwards. anything inbetween, and you’re a homosexual. that’s it. no debate.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:08 am
@FMRA — some of the best bitches I’ve met had no teeth…
Any use of the elliptical machine in a gym. Run, you stupid fucking gay asshole, run!
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:08 am
TDub, you and me are on the same page today buddy.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:08 am
I include the Black Keys mainly because the people I see hyping them are people who like the White Stripes not because Jack White is an insane guitar player, but because “Jack and Meg are so cool.”
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:09 am
I hope I’m not skipping someone, but here’s one that’s an utter steal. Guys who aren’t into sports.
I win.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:09 am
@Underpants Gnomenclature
first of all, fuck michigan
but yea, boston man crushes are the worst
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:09 am
@ Gooch & Porky:
The Black Keys: one of the the best bands of the last decade
The Black Keys’ fans: need a sarin gas shower
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:10 am
WELKAHHHHHHHHHHH
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:10 am
btw, i didn’t see the producers “on broadway”. broadway is gay. it was in cleveland, homo broderick wasn’t in it, the tickets were a gift, and it was funny. end of conversation.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:10 am
Damn, this is a good list. Manscaping, yoga, wearing pink, Volkswagens, and hipster bullshit are already off the board.
How about guys with ginormous muscles and no fashion sense whatsoever? We get it, you have no life and testicles the size of M&Ms. If you’re going to be that jacked, you either need to be an NFL linebacker, safety, or Olympic weightlifter. And put a fucking shirt on, asshole.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:10 am
Men that say smacking a sass-mouthed child is automatically and unequivicably wrong. There are mitigating circumstances for givin’ ‘em the back of your hand- especially if the kid has red hair and freckles.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:11 am
I draft “Still watching Entourage”. Halfway through Season 3, I couldn’t believe how awful it got. It couldn’t have fallen off more quickly. Unless they gave Shaun Alexander a cameo appearance.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:11 am
I am going to man up and admit that maybe I prejudged the Black Keys based on who I’ve heard about them from. The same people who thought the Shins were good.
…and don’t come back with “dude the Shins rock too!” They fucking suck.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:11 am
If you have any of the following then you must consider yourself part fruit cup:
- Fireplace with gas logs
- Tweezers
- Q-tips
- Matching luggage
- A garage with only a vehicle and 3 pairs of “work” shoes by the entrance door.
- Any type of “organic” snack on your kitchen counter.
- Towels with your initials on them in your bathroom that no one is allowed to use.
Please cut off that clit you call a penis, you’re not a man.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:11 am
Liking Dane Cook. Get fucked
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:11 am
I just have to go back to The Gooch talking shit about Mel Brooks. Absolutely uncalled for, please don’t procreate. Thanks.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:12 am
oh and why it’s emasculating. Anyone still watching it is clearly tryign to hide something.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:12 am
winston b wins.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:13 am
@Juice Springsteen — agreed. When did a show ever go so bad, so fast?
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:13 am
@winston- STEAL. Thank you.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:14 am
WHOA WHOA!! Who dissed the Black Keys? FUCK YOU WITH A BROKEN BROOM STICK!!
Ive been to many BK’s shows and they fuckin rock. I dont give a fuck if there are some smelly neo-hippie cocksuckers there or not
Black Keys wreck shop. Period.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:14 am
@K Wynn…
Dude, no Q-Tips? You’re missing out on the disgusting satisfaction of digging a monstrous chunk of wax out of your ear and then grossing out your girlfriend with “whoa, look at the size of this one.”
I just don’t get tired of that. And she still fucks me! It’s like peanut butter and jelly!
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:14 am
@big dave
Agreed, crooked ball hats are ridiculous. And put a curve in the bill.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:14 am
Dudes still commenting. Clearly, the meat of this post is gone – look about 200 feet up the page. Anything posted after this is lame…
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:14 am
@My Mom. First of all, stop reading KSK, that’s creepy, you’re a 50 year old woman
Second of all, that shit don’t hold up. Maybe it was groundbreaking way back when, but so were silent movies featuring guys dancing around on trains narrowly avoiding certain death. Slapstick! Hilarious!
Nope.
@Porky. I’m with you, the Shins suck. But drink a bunch of whiskey, drive around, and listen to the Black Keys. You’ll change your mind.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:15 am
If you like the Shins you probably sipped chai tea while waiting in line for the midnight opening of Sex and the City
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:15 am
Anyone saying that people still commenting is lame
//looks up….oh
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:15 am
Dudes who try to be overly cool by loudly saying something is no longer cool.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:15 am
Towels with poop on them are cool, right?
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:16 am
@ Lionel Johnson. Hear, hear on the tackling. My 4-year-old daughter can watch a game and spot a missed tackle. Sometime she’ll say, “Daddy he didn’t wrap up.” Or, and I can’t express how proud this makes me, she’ll just yell at the TV, “Wrap up!”
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:16 am
@puspus — not all of us have fascinating jobs to get back to, asswipe.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:16 am
@ K Wynn – Q-tips are as necessary as toilet paper, deodorant, or a tooth brush, and in no way signify the presence of a monster clit.
Any other grooming products, however, and your looking straight down at Godzilla’s vagina.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:17 am
No porky, I’m with you on the original point. Those guys who try pushing (usually indie) music on you that you are unbearable. They’re usually just trying to be able to say that they liked the band before they were popular and deserve to die.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:17 am
@ all who commented…
Will give the Black Keys a shot.
Though I gave the Hold Steady a shot after someone here (BDD? Punte?) said they rocked and uh…well, it wasn’t the worst thing I ever heard, but…
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:17 am
@winston b mcpotsworthy
Is that really unmanly? I mean, it’s equally infuriating when women and hermaphrodites like Dane Cook.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:18 am
Piercing your scrotum. Why?
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:19 am
Eating sushi more than once every two weeks. “Oooh it’s so trendy and expensive!” Fuck off. Thankfully the 10x mercury in the tuna will actually take care of you.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:19 am
I’ll probably get some shit about this, but:
Giving a fuck about the olympics.
90% of the events are retarded (this excludes the 100m dash) and unimpressive (granted I could never do them). If you are pumped about the olympics, congrats, you can cheer alongside my mother-in-law and middle aged professors alike. The olympics are an excuse for middle aged women to pretend they like sports once every 4 years.
Shape up and like football like the rest of us.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:19 am
And anyone who compares the Black Keys to the White Stripes is a fucking FULL BLOWN RETARD. just because there are two people in each band dont mean shit. The white stripes and the Keys arent even the same kind of music and TWS cant even compare in talent To Auerback and Carney have more talent in thier morning dump than jack white and his dyke sister
SO FUCK OFF
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:19 am
Never mind Porky, your alright after all
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:20 am
@Shinons…
Tthe same guy who pushes all that stuff on me got all into Korn a couple years before they got big (we saw them at the Whiskey) and spent five years after they got huge reminding everyone who would listen that he saw how big they were gonna be, blah blah blah. He’s a good friend, and he DOES get pussy, but musically, he’s fagtacular.
Worst part? He didn’t decide if he liked the Beatles until he was like TWENTY-FIVE. Pick a side, asshole.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:21 am
Putting mayo on a burger… I don’t care that Burger King does it.
Mustard is acceptable. Ketchup is ok. Mayo? Vag-tastic.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:21 am
Veal, trans fats, even fois gras = food. If you don’t like them, fine. It just makes you a pillow biter. However, don’t even think of trying to ban their availability, progressive patchouli boy.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:22 am
I’m so fucking dead, with my double popped collar and my maltese dog (who got into it with a Pit the other day, yes he held his own but these wernt exacly Vick Pits.)
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:22 am
with a steal (I think)
Wearing a speedo for any reason other than playing water polo or competitive swimming (even though i loathe swimming)
French cut speedos are 100% off limits forever…totally inexcusable
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:22 am
Being a vegetarian/vegan.
Eating meat is awesome. Deal with it.
I can’t believe this hasn’t been picked yet.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:22 am
This draft doesn’t really apply to me and it’s probably already been mentioned, but dressing in an outfit that matches your girlfriend’s/wife’s should be grounds for expulsion from manhood. I don’t mean accidentally matching, like she put on a blue dress and your shirt is blue, but like that gay-ass shit Justin Timberlake wore when he was banging Britney Spears and they both wore fugly denim outfits to some awards show. And your wedding counts here, too. Wear a tux, man. She wears a white dress (or whatever), but if you cave in on the matching thing on your wedding day, just go ahead and turn in your man license because you won’t be needing it.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:24 am
This draft didn’t seem like it would be as good as the video games draft, but it’s already surpassed it for entertainment value.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:24 am
@Ben — at least two people did. Does your F key work?
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:26 am
People who say “I know this goes without saying.” If it really doesn’t need to be said, than shut the fuck up.
Also, wearing the concert tee-shirt of a band you’re seeing. This one seems pretty obvious, but it happens all the time. Unless you’re rocking an original 1978 Toys in the Attic concert tee at an Aerosmith concert, or something like that, concert tees at concerts are LAME. Die in a fire.
Sorry Drew
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:26 am
Q-tips? Are you serious. What next? I suppose you use a tampon to stop nose bleeds. Leave that wax in there until you find it smeared on your face and pillow.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:26 am
The Hills – Any man who openly admits he watches can fuck off. I watch it, but only because my has it on in the living. Also Adrianna is a total bitch who deserves to be run over by a truck.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:27 am
@ K Wynn – Next you’re going to tell us you don’t blow your nose either. That’s just ludicrous.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:28 am
Attending the only Seven Sisters college that admits men.
/Jumps out of office window.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:29 am
Barbed Wire Tattoo
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:29 am
@BigRick:
So are you saying just during the concert or in general everyday life? Because I love me some $5 parking lot bootlegs after the show.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:29 am
mamacita – i did ctrl-F for “vegetarian” and “vegan” and didn’t see either before I posted. Definitely seemed too obvious to have not been picked yet.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:30 am
If you own anything with the prefix i. Then iFucking iHate iYou.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:31 am
@Wormfather (AKA Aaron)
Dont’ feel bad. This list is now long enough that everyone probably fits one or two of these. I’m slated for execution because of Miata ownership (I would rise to their defense, but fear I’d be shouted down) and for having custody of a cat from a prior relationship.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:31 am
@Ben — oh, sure, like you didn’t think to search for “meat.”
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:32 am
@Karmer, hell no. Picking it and wiping it on someone is way more entertaining.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:32 am
Those “newsboy” hats. Way to go Douche Vadar, you stapled a visor to a barret.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:32 am
MarionCobretti, that cat can count as one of the three animals.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:33 am
This draft has exposed the uglier side of KSS.
Now if you’ll all excuse me, I’m going to go listen to some disco and brush my girlfriend’s cats while eating my Weight Watchers frozen lunch.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:34 am
Not sure why this hasn’t gone this deep but… you pussies drafted all this shit for being “gay” but you know what’s really gay? being gay. in the butt.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:34 am
Guys who wear beanies. Indoors. All year round.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:35 am
Reading “Rolling Stone” magazine.
Taking any of their advice on what movies or music to like will prove fatal to your dignity and manhood.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:36 am
The state of Wyoming. State of Equality? More like the state the first screwed the pooch.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:37 am
@L-Jam
Thanks! That’s a good point. For an average sized cat, would you recommend marinating, or would it be better to go with a dry rub?
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:38 am
@Marion. You just totally redeemed yourself.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:38 am
Dudes with tattoo sleeves who are pussies….which is almost all of ‘em.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:41 am
Ooh, ooh, I forgot one of the big ones…
Commenting on wine with words and terms like “effervescent,” “subtle notes of…” “unpretentious,” “nose,” “hints of…”
Yes, yes, we all saw “Sideways.” Now shut up and drink your 2-Buck Chuck.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:42 am
CHAIN WALLETS. If you are so worried that someone is going to steal your wallet, buy a purse, and then change your name to Sheila.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:43 am
Any man who wears any shoe that shows any part of his foot whatsoever, like crocs, birks, or any kind of sandal, especially flip flops, is gay. And not just gay, but a bottom.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:43 am
Smoking menthols. What. The. Fuck.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:43 am
Reading Tom Friedman and parroting his ideas about energy. Sorry, Dad, it’s been nice knowing you.
Friedman is the Peter King of world news.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:44 am
Sorry but unless your an ex-con or a former special forces soldier of any kind, tattoos are generally worthless
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:44 am
300+ picks in and no one has singled out the porkpie hat being worn in the main photo here?
Alright, porkpie hats. You’re not Sinatra, douchebag, and in 2008, even he would punch you in the cock for wearing that.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:47 am
Taking a picture of yourself by extending your camera at arms length and tilting your head. This is the mark of the emo-myspace goer, and there’s no reason for EVER doing it.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:49 am
@Otto Man–
John Belushi would get a free pass on the porkpie hat had he lived. That’s Jake Blues, man!
But yes, any hat with a full brim worn by a 24-year-old wearing an unbuttoned dress shirt and jeans…admit you like the cock.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:50 am
@TDub, I think thats now known as the Miley Cyrus. Have you seen any pictures of that future skank taken any other way?
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:50 am
@MHH. I bet you 50% of Menthol Smokers could kick anyone’s ass who comments on this board (that’s excluding the women, but they’re pretty gangsta as well, so maybe I should up that to 75%). Seriously, did you grow up in Montana or somewhere else completely devoid of thugs?
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:51 am
@BSac: Gotta disagree with on that one. Barbwire tats and ‘dude, check out my new tribal tat on my bicep, bra!’ tattoes are worthless. It’s like a chick who gets a chinese character on her lower back. It’s fucking ridiculous and it’s been done before. As long as somebody’s doing something worthwhile with it, I’ve got no problem with it.
I need Mills Lane to say, “I’ll allow it.”
And to Otto Man…we got a guy at our office who wears a porkpie hat. ALL THE TIME. We make fun of him when he isn’t around.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:54 am
Porky,
I can’t stand the Hold Steady but love the Black Keys. The last album was produced by Danger Mouse, but the first one has a little more asskicking.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:54 am
Guys that were girl jeans.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:54 am
@Hakim. If you make fun of him behind his back instead of to/in his face, I think that pretty much puts you on the list. Grow some balls.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:54 am
wear* god i’m tired
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:56 am
@Gooch
I don’t mean to be casually racist here (but if that’s acceptable anywhere on the Internet, it’s here at KSK), but I think that correlation between menthol smoking and general badassery may differ based on race. I know a white kid who smokes menthols. He’s 6″ taller than me and in better shape, but I’d have no fear of going toe-to-toe with him right now. Now, would I say the same of the young black fellow who’s sometimes in front of me at the gas station buying a pack of KOOLs? No.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:57 am
@Underpants
I wear a speedo under my rugby shorts, they keep all my junk out of harms way and they don’t tear. That’s acceptable right? Right? please be right…
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:57 am
Alright, a Belushi amendment to the hat rule:
If you look like you just ate an entire pork pie, you can wear the porkpie hat.
But if you weigh a buck-o-five and look like the kind of overmoussed “rock star” who’d be famous solely for dating Nicole Ritchie, you get the gas face.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:58 am
Guys that beat women. It’s hilarious to joke about at With Leather, but horribly disturbing to watch in real life. If you were any kind of man instead of a confused, repressed cum gargler AND a pussy to boot, you’d have the balls to fuck with somebody who can hit back, and take the risk of an ass whipping. But you don’t, so fuck you.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:58 am
Friedman is the Peter King of world news.
Christ is that accurate. I’m stealing that.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:59 am
@bigchiefcoconuts
What’s a barret?
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:01 pm
@Weed Against Speed
+1 I couldn’t of said it better myself
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:01 pm
@Flashy. Way to kill the post with some sobering common sense. Tool.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:02 pm
You know what’s gay? I was bargain hunting on craigslist in another window and just saw this advertised for sale:
World of warcraft Gladiator Shaman with 70paladin,67rogue,60war. – $600 (Darkspear US.)
Gladiator Orc male Shaman, have full s3 resto/elemental gear, s2+enhance gear. Have Epic riding skills along with the Vengeful Netherdrake, Have all epic pvp mount. Currently holding 6000gold, also has about 2k+ in regents in the bank. 375 Enchanting and Jewelcrafting. It is available for realm transfers. Paypal only.
The account comes with a kara geared 70 human paladin on cho’gall, a 67 Ud rogue on Darkspear, and a 60 NE warrior on Kel’thuzad with Bwl and aq40 gear.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:04 pm
Ok once again this draft has opened the Pandoras box… I smoke menthols, wear flip flops, drink dry martinis, eat BBQ chicken, listen to Steve Miller band, and drink red snappers (a mixed shot.) So i guess im just fucked when it comes to my man status.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:05 pm
@Porky. Bargain hunting for anything makes me suspect. Please post something manly immediately.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:06 pm
@cumpidgeon
True, the longer this goes on the more I start to question myself. I like my flip flops.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Wearing a scarf. Can’t believe it didn’t get picked.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:07 pm
@Cumpidgeon. You just defined a bulldyke. Are you a lesbian?
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Wearing your golf shoes to watch a golf tournament. We get it, you play golf fuckface!
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:08 pm
@Kwynn: I do like to have sex with women… but i have what dykes wish for: A Penis. HOORAY!
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:08 pm
Taking your glove as an adult to an MLB baseball game. Catch it with your hands you pussy!
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:09 pm
I was looking for an old arcade game to put in the den, K Wynn. I’m trying to keep it cheap and not pay $1500 but a refurbished Space Invaders unit.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:09 pm
If you wear a guido style bracelet, or any bracelet for that matter, then you sir are one step away from having cocks shoveled in your ass.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:09 pm
(which may not be the MANLIEST thing, but it ain’t gay.)
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:09 pm
@kwynn. Sorry. I’ve been watching my neighbors most likely go through this recently and everyday I suppress the urge to open this prick’s head with a two by four.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:10 pm
If’ you’ve ever used the word “cosplay” without shuddering in disgust.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:12 pm
WTF is cosplay?
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:12 pm
flashy:
where do you live? i’ll man up and come take care of that shit for you. gratitude sex is the bees knees.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:14 pm
@cum…hear you loud and clear.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Guys that wear a doo-rag under their baseball cap OUTDDORS.
No, you’re not going to get that record deal at Def Jam.
No, you’re not Fiddy Cent.
No, you’re not gangsta, and
No, you’re not banging Meagan Good
You look like a moron if you’re over 18 rocking that style. And doo-rags should be worn inside only, wearing them outside makes you look like an idiot. Unless you want to scare the white people to death, then perfectly acceptible.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:16 pm
Well… if my wife shut our bedroom door and cosplayed as the White Queen, I can’t say I wouldn’t be pleased…
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:16 pm
Cosplay is adults dressing up like vampires or superheroes or sci-fi characters for anything other than a drunken Halloween party. Personally, I call it “playing dress-up” and “for idiots and queers.”
But people apparently do that shit all the time. And not just at Star Trek conventions. I just saw this documentary show about “real life” vampires who essentially walk around with capped teeth fangs and piercings and drink each others blood. Fucking old stupid children.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:17 pm
@Cumpidgeon,
I’ll enter the fray with you and support BBQ Chicken, Martinis, and flip flops, since, you know, I’m American.
I will leave you to defend your other activities, however, since I hate menthols. They don’t make you effeminate though, since I saw Denzel smoke them in Training Day.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:17 pm
If you’re wearing any type of sweatband and you’re not sweating, die already.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Listening to Emo Music
Oh no! Your girlfriend left you. Maybe if you didn’t listen to some pussy ass music, she wouldn’t have. I guess you better go kill yourself now.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Porky:Are you fucking serious? Do you know people that do this?? No wonder you doubt some of your people who told you the Black Keys were good…
L-Jam: I think Porky would be cool if his old lady wanted to role play just about anything besides being Ellen Degeneress… I know im cool with just about anything else!
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:20 pm
I’ve grown to accept “lol” even if I hate the use of it. But anyone seriously texting “rotflmao” can suck cocks in hell with their mothers.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Porky1,
LoL… yeah, maybe. But “OMG,” fucking never.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:23 pm
All these traits describes like 90 percent of all the dudes in San Francisco.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:23 pm
two dudes sharing an umbrella, or together on a motorbike.
And Van Dycks. Unless you’re Colonel Sanders, Satan or the Green Arrow, shave now arseholes
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:24 pm
I think it’s MORE emasculating to not own at least three pairs of dress shoes for work — of coruse, not working in a car wash, I guess my footwear needs are more extensive.
/puts on Kevlar vest
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:24 pm
@Lionel Joseph from the University: You sir are a rugger and by definition a man. Stand up and accept your award. If a man is afraid of getting hurt playing rugby then he has a big, wide, gaping coochie.
Since I speak from experience, playing rugby is badass and automatically validates your man card for eternity. Especially when your whole team can go to a bar and cheer all the ladies that pass by and boo all of their boyfriends…and the boyfriends can’t do shit about it since 30 ruggers could kick their ass within 2 seconds.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:24 pm
@Cump…
I don’t personally KNOW any dress up freaks, no. But they DO exist. I dated a girl whose cousin went to a Star Wars themed wedding. They sent pictures. I love Star Wars but looking upon those photos, I wished it never existed. I guess some people felt that way about the prequel movies…trust me this was worse. A big fat Han Solo marrying a fat Princess Leia with a fat dorky looking Obi-Wan Kenobi running the ceremony, a bunch of homely Princess Leias in different outfits as the bridesmaids, and a Stormtrooper honor guard.
Gayest thing since Gay came to Gaytown.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Wearing a helmet in boxing, judo, etc. If you participate in any of those sports you should be willing to cause and/or receive brain damage, otherwise you may as well be using those oversized gloves and fat suits. Pussies.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Intolerant assholes who don’t like what other people like or do. Fuck off.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:29 pm
@Porky: after reading that I almost replied LOL….
/while sipping a martini in my flip flops dressed like chewbacca.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Come out of the closet already rocco.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:34 pm
I have no problem other people’s likes or dislikes.
But one of my likes is to occasionally make fun of those things. No harm no foul!
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Two Words:
Tassel Loafers
http://www.shoe-shop.com/content/ebiz/shoeshop/invt/loa60564/loa60564_Oxblood_m.jpg
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:37 pm
@porky. Exactly. It’s within the spirit of the site. If you can’t take it, or take it seriously, then you should be added to the list.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:37 pm
@dick — no doubt the tassels are a sign of rear entry acceptance, and loafers of any kind are highly suspect. Hence the phrase, “light in the loafers”…
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Vikings Fans = Gay
Your team wears purple and at every first down,TD and every time Tavaris Jackson actually DOESN’T throw an INT you blow a gay Viking Horn……plus your team has never nor will it ever win a Super Bowl…that’s not really gay, but I like to mention it.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:39 pm
@K Wynn
I should think so…I took about 2 seconds of umbrage to Rocco’s insinuation, but then I shook it off.
Rocco’s made good comments on other topics, it’s all gravy.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:41 pm
guys who pickout and only eat the drummies whan eating wings with friends. they’re both chicken. and if you don’t want sauce on your other hand, than you should have your testicle license revoked. wings are messy, deal with it.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:42 pm
@The Rooster,
I’ll throw a flip flop at you so fucking fast it’ll make your greenbay-themed porkpie hat spin.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:43 pm
…anyone over the age of 12 who bought their first piece of Boston Red Sox merchandise after 2004. Yes, we get it. You’re too cool for the dying Yankees bandwagon. Jump on the other one while you wait for the Cubs to win a World Series so you can finally buy one of their hats.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Being a PETA supporter, it’s a fucking animal people, its whole purpose is to be my lunch or be worn as a jacket.
Good call on America’s Next Top Model, I would like to add Trading Spaces and America’s Next Top stylist.
I need a ruling on Top Chef
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:43 pm
@The Rooster Lives: they have the internet in Green Bay now? Awesome!
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:45 pm
@T-Bone: Is it reality TV? Then it’s gay.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Guys who are fathers and lament their daughters growing up and taking pipe.
RIGHT, double-standard douchebag. You can go around spreading your seed, but for Daddy’s Little Girl, it’s the convent and vaginal stitches. May you enjoy your daughter’s fucked up life of confusion, asshat.
\Has a five-year-old daughter
\\Who will start stripping in 13 years
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Wearing a bow tie in anything other than a tuxedo.
http://blogs.westword.com/demver/tucker.jpg
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Since the olympics are on…if you’re watching womens gymnastics for any reason other than to mentally record future sexual postions with your woman, then you sir are a queer.
//
I had an idea for future age verification of the chinese “womens” team.
Show them a closeup pic of John Holmes cock.
If they scream and/or cry. Fail.
If they lick their lips or seem curious. Pass.
*note: Considering the fact that the chinese will eat about anything, further testing would have to be implemented to make sure the “lip licking” is not because they’re hungry.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:48 pm
T-Bone:
I will make a distinction between leather and fur. Leather for the most part is durable, low-key, and functional. Fur is useless. I don’t eat anything that gets killed for fur, so foxes and rabbits and chinchillas can live forever. But a cow? A pig? A chicken? Mmmmmm…
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Correction: *Fur is useful to Eskimos.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:52 pm
@kwynn: given the generally accepted stereotype about asian cock, you might not want to start them off with the filet mignon.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:53 pm
@flashy. Point taken. Very good sir.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:56 pm
im new to posting on KSK so bare with me…
this may be covered in ‘the ordering from starbucks’ but im pretty sure wanting to drink anything that resembles or sounds like “i’d like a Orange Mocha Frappuccino Soy Latte” is gay. more gay points=”with whip cream!” if you want to drink coffee get it black.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Any guy who dresses up for the gym. This includes the following: 1. wearing scrubs. go back to nursing school, susette. 2. Wearing a designer hat. or any hat for that matter. this is a gym, fucknuts. 3. wearing a wife beater/any tank top. If you want to pose in front of a mirror, do it at home while hanging from a ceiling fan.
Go to the gym in a t-shirt and shorts, and stop grunting like youre getting plowed by dirk diggler.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:57 pm
@porky. I need clarification. What about a buffalo?
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Wearing condoms. Free Willy!
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Other than the sprints, sports with heterosexual women and shooting events, the Olympics
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:58 pm
K Wynn:
If you mean the animal…well, that’s fine. As long as you use a bow and arrow.
If you mean people from Buffalo…
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:05 pm
@Hawkins,
please see my rant above. I’m way ahead of ya’.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:06 pm
Don’t worry, I wasn’t being serious. I like the list so far and am happy to know flip-flops are my only violation, and that’s only when I’m poolside or showering after hockey.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:07 pm
@porky1: What about people from Buffalo? I’m fucking awesome pal.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Anyone who uses the prefix “man-” before a common word.
Examples include, but are not limited to: mancation, manscaping, mancessory, etc.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:14 pm
@ Rocco:
Well, do you think your flesh slow-cooked over flames and marinated with a nice honey-BBQ mixture would taste good?
Because if so…”Rocco: It’s what’s for dinner.”
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Addendum: As far as the human butcher shop goes I think I’d be good eatin’. I have a nice mixture of fatty tissue and lean muscle mass. A cannibal would pay Kobe-beef prices for leg of porky1.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:19 pm
What? you mean to tell me no one took neck-kerchifs by now? That has to be the Welkahhhh of this draft. Value and emasculation all in one.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:20 pm
@porky1: I think I’d taste great. But if I could choose, please marinade me in Chivettas.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:22 pm
@NBP
Wearing a scarf because it is freezing cold: Acceptable
Wearing a scarf for fashion purposes: Bullet in the fucking face
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:22 pm
having Rihanna’s Disturbia stuck in your head … sucks brah!
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:23 pm
I think an obscure irony of cannibalism that doesn’t get brought up for whatever reason is that while Kobe beef is among the most tender and flavorful cuts in the world, a steak made from Kobe Bryant would probably not taste all that good. I imagine a Kobe Bryant-steak would taste sour and rapey.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:27 pm
2 late steals:
Eyeglasses chain.
Cig holder(except for HST).
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:33 pm
@ Lionel
I think the fact that it is covered, and not the only thing you are wearing makes it legit…but I don’t know how much protection it’s going to offer, ive been knee’d many a time playing water polo and i almost drowned once because of it
my problem with speedos is going to the beach/pool and seeing people laid out in them, are you people fucking kidding?
are they comfortable? No
are they aesthetically pleasing? hell no
are they inexpensive? No (although this shouldn’t matter)
Buy a pair of board shorts
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:34 pm
Not tipping properly. If you can’t afford the tip, stay home and drink tap water.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:36 pm
The only proper place to wear a speedo is in a casket, with the lid shut, burried 6 feet deep in the dirt. Period.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:37 pm
@K Wynn:
Is that how you want to be buried?
Fag.
(I keed, I keed.)
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:38 pm
@ K Wynn
absolute fiction, it is a necessity for water polo…the sport is too fucking hard as it is to have to deal with board shorts…plus when you get people punching/hanging on you I can almost promise you that shit would come off…and I’d rather have people in speedos than nothing at all…that would just be really gay
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Reading Michael Phelps Slash Fiction on Deadspin…. FTH?
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:41 pm
There were legions of barrel-shaped middle-aged dudes wearing speedos when I was in Australia. Evidently, young guys wear shorts but once a man has arrived in the world, he switches to the swim panties. It nearly ruined all the topless 22-year-old surfer girls running around. Almost.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:43 pm
@sonofspam. Though I agree 100%, it should also be said that if you want tipped properly, then you best wait my table properly. If you’re trailer park sally 3 kids(with 3 different fathers), and you’re waiting 15 tables at Olive Garden and expect 20% for grinding a little pepper on my salad, you can go fuck yourself.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:43 pm
This thread has taken a turn for the surreal.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:44 pm
@porky. That obvious?
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:46 pm
This thread has gone full retard!
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:46 pm
@Tracer
“It nearly ruined all the topless 22-year-old surfer girls running around. Almost.”
Impossible…
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Frisbee Golf, anyone?
Frolf is scottish for fag.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Way late to this draft, but if you are a man and part of a bridal party as a male brides maid, you are a fag.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:50 pm
The only thing that could ruin all those topless girls running around is that since they’re Australian, by the time they hit 30 they’ll likely be the same color and texture as Hulk Hogan.
But that’s 8 years away, so fuck it.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Perhaps I’m prejudice of speedo wearers for being able to pull it off. I have no doubt that if I was to wear one most of it wouldn’t be visable. That and having a camel toe instead of a bulge.
/In the corner crying now. Fuckers.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Going antiquing. Damn, I felt gay just typing that word. I also feel gay having a cock in my mouth.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:54 pm
I don’t care who’s wearing what, if there are topless 22 year old surfer girls anywhere near me, I’m blissfully unaware of anything else.
/books trip to Australia
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:54 pm
I don’t believe co-ed bridal showers have been mentioned. If you don’t know why this is a problem, I can’t even begin to explain it to you.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Dating/seeing/marying a chick that watches sports. Sorry, but that’s wrong. Men watch their sports alone or with other men. When a man watches sports with a woman, he becomes a woman as well. And guess what Slappy: when you bring your “cool” chick to watch sports with your buddies, your buddies are fucking pissed at you.
When watching sports, women are only allowed in the room if they’re A) bringing you a sandwich and/or 2) giving you a hummer. Absent that, get the fuck out.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:59 pm
/visible…goddamn it.
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:02 pm
people who abbreviate words in emails.
a keystroke takes like 1/100 of a second, dont type fucking “wknd” type “weekend”
on a side note, people that type in all caps – GO FUCKING DIE
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:02 pm
I’m about as liberal as they come, but PETA and the anti-fur fucks can eat a giant medium rare filet of whale dick.
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Since porky brought up cannibalism. Quick question. If you attempt to grill an Italian, will it cause a grease fire? Just curious.
/ kidding
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:09 pm
do you have to have chips and salsa before you bite into jose?
i know, guacamole’s extra.
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Wearing pants that are so long/low that the cuffs are all torn from being dragged underneath your heel. It might seem like class warfare, but I bet we’d manage to cull a bunch of the wealthier dickbags as well.
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:19 pm
Bud Light is THA SHIT. Just ice them bitches down until cold enough to crack your teeth and enjoy. Fuck that Narragansett shit, last time i was in RI it was full of dockers-wearin baby rapers and while we’re on the subject, men drink COFFEE–acceptable additions include milk and/or sugar–but best black w or w/o Jameson’s. And drink it fucking hot…if you drink iced coffee you are a fucking snout gobbler from way back. Men buy coffee at Dunkin Donuts, McDonalds or their local convenience store. If you have to sneak into Starbucks you say “medium coffee” and get the fuck out. If you use the words “grande” or “venti”, slice your shit off now
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:20 pm
@K Wynn: Even being Italian, I found that funny.
/not a greasy dago wop Italin.
Side note: I had a job where we used this crazy shorthand for file notes. It took awhile to break that habit and start writing full words and sentences again. I hate the abbreviations as well.
K thx ttyl snd a txt. What you don’t believe in vowels?
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:25 pm
People who DON’T mock others in a fantasy football league.
Unlike real life, where you’re not encouraged to tell that douchetard with the porkpie hat because it would create ‘an unhealthy office atmosphere,’ take your invective out on your old man for taking more than 60 seconds for deciding between Selvin Young or Earnest Graham. Christ, dad, make up your fucking mind already!
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:25 pm
My last pick, promise.
Concluding a sentence with “No homo”: You’re not fooling anyone with that. Especially you, Vince Wilfork.
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:28 pm
@rocco. No harm meant. Really. And to prove that I’m a moron(not that you need proof), I thought a wop was chinese.
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:34 pm
@Hakim. My favorite line. “Dude, he just got put on the IR today. 4 months minimum.”
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:38 pm
Everyone who’s contributed to this list. Because its now an abomoniation. Menthol Smokes?! WTF, Reality TV? So we’re just not supposed to watch anything, even Cops? I sweat to god the comments here have gone down in value over the last year. What happened to you fucksticks.
This shit reminds me of the end of that simpsons episode where the smartest people in springfield realized that fascist fucks.
/disincludes himself
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Is it reality TV? Then it’s gay.
The Deadliest Catch disagrees with you sir.
August 22nd, 2008 at 3:03 pm
@beats — Sig Hansen could crush all commentators.
\ runs away from the Northwestern
August 22nd, 2008 at 3:04 pm
listening to Coldplay (because Seth Rogan says so)
August 22nd, 2008 at 3:13 pm
Dealdiest Catch makes me want to eat them delicious motherfuckers with a ice cold bud light
August 22nd, 2008 at 3:19 pm
in no particular order:
flavored vodka
mixing whiskey/bourbon with ANYTHING
hats with straight brims
matching your outfit
shorts above the knee
tanning
going to a salon for a haircut
any form of organized aerobics
not being able to list all 22 starting positions on an NFL roster
my work here is done.
August 22nd, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Guys who wear those flipped-up Tour de France bicycle hats when not riding their bikes (or male partners). You might as well stamp “I’m a big flaming homo” on your forehead and walk through Chelsea (NYC).
August 22nd, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Wearing a tie-dyed shirt should get you the gas chamber in any decent country.
August 22nd, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Guy driving a blue PT cruiser with Pink Playboy logo sticker back window. Not a man, not gay…?? WTF are you ?
August 22nd, 2008 at 4:24 pm
“Body spray” = “I am a perfumed odalisque.”
August 22nd, 2008 at 4:28 pm
Bikers in their ridiculous full spandex gear and water bottles full of vitamin water. Drink out of the tap and buy a stationary bike so we don’t have to swerve to avoid your anymore. And for pissakes, stop riding into the left turn lane to make a left turn like you’re riding a hog. Enough of this fagottry (I think this went from emasculating to simply annoying…sorry)
August 22nd, 2008 at 4:33 pm
Barbed wire tattoos. in the words of the late great George Carlin, if you wanna impress someone, wrap some real barbed wire around your arms you fucking pussy.
August 22nd, 2008 at 4:36 pm
guys that drive trucks with the sticker of Calvin peeing on the “other guy’s” logo
also, anyone that owns a nickelback album
August 22nd, 2008 at 5:04 pm
Walking a little dog doesn’t make you gay in this one situation… Walking your maltese in the city park, and when a girl walks up and says “ah, how cute”; if you reply with this response, it’s not gay: “yes, he’s the only thing I have to remember my girlfriend since she died in a car accident because of a drunken driver”… dude, she’ll jump your rod right there! It’s gold.
August 22nd, 2008 at 5:08 pm
Anyone who uses the term, “film” when they’re talking about a movie.
Those who do not pull into the intersection for a left turn
Any male who uses words like, “fabulous,” “pithy,” or “dubious”….BTW, I have a coworker who uses them all
These individuals should be referred to The Marcellus Wallace Baseball Bat & Blowtorch Therapy Group
August 22nd, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Any fucktard who carries his girlfriends foo foo dog in her $400 handbag / dog carrier apparatus.
August 22nd, 2008 at 5:36 pm
I’m too late to post anything of substance but I would like to add that Mad Men is the tits. I’ve been trying to get my friends to watch this show since last summer and my best friend realizes what a stone cold badass Don Draper is.
August 22nd, 2008 at 5:36 pm
@Jackin’
Touche, The Deadliest Catch gets a pass. That show is awesome.
@Underpants
Thanks for clearing that up and no, they offer no real protection but they do minimise the chance of taking one in the nuts. I’m essentially limiting injury to a DIRECT hit, better odds.
August 22nd, 2008 at 5:37 pm
any man that dyes their hair and flat iron their bangs just to express how much their pain is intolerable and unknowable needs to get thrown in the wood chipper
/kicks self in the nuts for knowing what a flat iron is
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:20 pm
+1 The Lazer. PLUS ONE!
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:09 pm
Conservative Republicans. Bunch of toe tapping dumbass retards. Go fuck yourself
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:19 pm
Not knowing how to barbeque. It’s fire, it’s animal flesh. Cook until done. And use charcoal goddamit.
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:22 pm
Also, need to add anyone who lets their girlfriend buy their clothes for them. Get a sense of your own style or you end up dressing like the ass ponies in the Maxim “style” section.
August 22nd, 2008 at 8:22 pm
MEN WHO WEAR THEIR HATS ON BACKWARDS
it pisses me off so much, that I have to use caps.
WEAR THE HAT FUCKING RIGHT WAY
August 22nd, 2008 at 8:29 pm
Vineyard Vines- If you want to look like a fucking five year old, be my guest you preppy, waspy fuck. In fact, dressing ‘fratty’ or being fratty are automatic headshots in my book. You’re fucking two hundred miles from the nearest body of water, you don’t need sunglasses or croakies. Get a fucking haircut.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:06 pm
+1 to The Lazer for taking a shot at Will Leitch.
August 23rd, 2008 at 3:16 am
Can’t believe it hasn’t been picked- wheeled briefcases in the airport. Buddy, if you don’t have the strength to carry your laptop, planner, and travel charger to the gate stay off my flight. This is a ‘no eunuchs allowed’ plane.
August 23rd, 2008 at 9:48 am
Men who get laid groom. Nothing is more disgusting than a 40 something man with hair and wax in his ears. Ewww. Won’t get him laid. If you aren’t getting laid, you are not a man. Back hair. Ewwww. Not grooming. Ewwww. Chest hair. OMG, love it.
Trying to cuddle with me after getting laid. Ewwww. That is the time for sleep.
Men who complain about women liking shoe shopping. No, don’t go with me, but fucking appreciate that i care.
Whatever you pussies want to say, there really are 500.00 shoes that will make you crash your fucking Beamer when
you see me walking in them. No, I’m not talking lucite heels. I mean 4 inch black or red come fuck the shit out of me
pumps.
August 23rd, 2008 at 10:52 am
Tommy Fucking Bahama
August 24th, 2008 at 7:52 pm
Men who go to the beach and bring pink umprellas to shield them from the sun.Matter of fact, men who bring any umbrella period is unacceptable. We men go to the beach to look at women, and to get a better tan so that more women look at US! The beach is for enjoying the sun, NOT for perparing for a rainstorm you pink umbrella toting sissies.Get the hell off my beach and go back to the Banana Factory.
August 25th, 2008 at 6:56 am
Anyone who asks how much a pour of liquor costs before it’s served. Is it single malt scotch or cognac? Okay, go ahead because that shit is expensive. Is it vodka or any generally available whiskey, or something with fucking red bull? It’s 600 fucking dollars, now get out of my face you moron. Just stop.
Otherwise, the Black Keys are the shit like everyone said (”have love, will travel”). Dressing well isn’t gay. Menthols are pretty bad though. And Sig Hansen is a badass – he’s the only person I’ve met from Deadliest Catch who wasn’t a complete douche. And you know that a Martini should be about 3 ounces of gin right? At 80+(MINIMUM) proof? Not. Gay.
August 25th, 2008 at 11:31 pm
462 responses and no one said rollerblades? you guys are gay.