Charles Haley Would Like You To Watch Him Masturbate
Jeff Pearlman has a new book coming out in September called Boys Will Be Boys, which chronicles the Cowboys during the Aikman-Smith-Irvin glory years. Tucked inside the book is a chapter called “The Last Naked Warrior,” which is a nickname defensive end Charles Haley used for himself. Haley, if you recall, was a goddamn beast of a pass rusher, and also a legendary asshole. But what you may not know about Haley is that he was:
A) Legitimately insane
B) Hung like Milton Berle
C) Liked jacking off in front of teammates and coaches
And not playful jerking off. We’re talking the real, hardcore, I’m-home-and-my-wife-is-at-the-movies jerking off. I’ll let Pearlman fill you in:
Haley would stroll up to an unsuspecting (49er) teammate, whip out his phallus, and repeatedly stroke it in his face. Players initially laughed it off…
Hey look, it’s Charles’ huge erection! And he’s pleasuring himself! Man, that is funny.
But Haley refused to stop. He would jerk off in the locker room, in the trainer’s room. He’d wrap his hand around his penis, turn toward a Joe Montana or John Taylor, and bellow, ‘You know you wanna suck this!’
Well, it was San Francisco. I, for one, am glad to see that Haley liked to go native. I’m assuming Montana replied, “Really? I know I wanna suck that? Well, it hadn’t occurred to me before. But now that you’re masturbating right in front of me in a completely unprofessional manner, I can see your point.”
Pearlman also gets this quote from Michael Silver:
”Charles used to beat off in meetings while talking graphically about other players’ wives. It got to the point of ejaculation.”
Well, if you don’t reach the point of ejaculation, there IS no point. Am I right? Think about this quote for just a moment. You go to work. You go sit in a meeting. Then Bob from Accounting decides to take out his Frankencock and starts talking about banging your wife, and then orgasms right in front of you.
That’s… unusual. It won’t surprise you to know that Haley was also a raging homophobe, saying to a new Cowboy teammate once:
“You’re from California? You must be a fucking faggot.”
And he would know! Because he was in California once, jerking off in front of large groups of other men. I haven’t seen a homosexual this insecure since Vin Diesel. Brady Quinn would like him to sign with the Browns ASAP.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, charles haley, Eddie Shore musta sent him, just like the diving board scene from y tu mama, masturbation, small girls who look wayyy too much like Charles Haley
August 4th, 2008 at 7:05 am
That’s just not right.
August 4th, 2008 at 7:14 am
JMU’s greatest legacy!
August 4th, 2008 at 8:22 am
Uhh…welcome back from vacation Drew…
August 4th, 2008 at 8:27 am
JMU’s greatest legacy!
TBL is offended
August 4th, 2008 at 8:30 am
Dallas Cowboys: The halfway house of the NFL.
August 4th, 2008 at 8:31 am
Mixing in some Slapshot. Nice.
August 4th, 2008 at 8:32 am
*At least in the tags.
/You make me sick when you speak, Morris.
August 4th, 2008 at 8:45 am
That’s… um… yeah. I feel really uncomfortable. And glad I never played organized football.
August 4th, 2008 at 8:45 am
I totally thought this was going to be an episode of Wade and JJ.
I can’t believe this was real.
I still have a question though, did Montana suck it or what?
August 4th, 2008 at 8:46 am
We’re talking the real, hardcore, I’m-home-and-my-wife-is-at-the-movies jerking off.
Oh your going to see Mama Mia. No I think I am just going to stay in tonight and go to bed earlier…
August 4th, 2008 at 8:53 am
No wonder he was so fast, he had a third leg.
So you’re saying it’s not appropriate to pull out my cock in a meeting and start talking about the boss’ trophy wife and what I would do to her, right as I rope one out?
I don’t think Montana would have had the chance to suck it before Steve Young pushed him out of the way to swallow it.
August 4th, 2008 at 8:57 am
i think i have a new role model
August 4th, 2008 at 9:10 am
Because really…jerking off in a room full of other men while daring them to suck on it isn’t just a tiny bit gay.
I’d say more but I’m afraid of Charles Haley’s cock.
August 4th, 2008 at 9:22 am
Back at State U we didn’t have an insane football player who would walk around the locker room threatening people with his oversized member, so I knitted one.
August 4th, 2008 at 9:32 am
Started off my work day checking out the site here and thinking “great, another dark, profanity laden satire with a dick joke at the end” and then it turns into a disturbing true story which is only heightened by the picture of him and what would seem to be his young daughter.
/wondering What Would Italian Spiderman Do?
August 4th, 2008 at 9:49 am
let those who haven’t masturbated at work cast the first stone.
August 4th, 2008 at 9:50 am
Quite an accomplishment to be the biggest fuckup on one of those Cowboys teams.
August 4th, 2008 at 9:55 am
James Madison apparently acted the same way at the Constitutional Congress. His namesake University prides themselves on dick-swing. Go Duke Dawgs.
August 4th, 2008 at 9:58 am
Hey Charles Haley,
I can smell your cuntssssssss.
/Throws semen from behind bars
August 4th, 2008 at 10:08 am
Lecter, you bitch, you stole my line.
August 4th, 2008 at 10:10 am
let those who haven’t masturbated at work cast the first stone.
Congressman, I do not recall that incident in question. I am certain that my pants were around my ankles for a safe and non-threatening reason.
August 4th, 2008 at 10:19 am
Pacman ain’t down wid it.
August 4th, 2008 at 10:30 am
@Animal Mother: +1 for the Steve Young dig. I hate that Mormon fuckface.
And may I say that Quinn Gray will be the new backup QB for the Colts by Week 3 (I would say “by yesterday” but he needs a little time to learn the offense). And thank god for that. There’s bound to be some horribly managed team that Bill Polian can sucker into trading for drowned-mouse-face Jim Sorgi.
August 4th, 2008 at 10:30 am
I HATED the one guy on the team who had to always walk around with out a towel or some god damn shorts on. im tieing my cleats and look up and there is some dudes happy stick wagging in my face…
Thank god I didnt play with charles haley or any manifestation of his insanity.
August 4th, 2008 at 10:30 am
Maybe he was just waiting for his papers to clear division.
August 4th, 2008 at 10:33 am
Pearlman followed with “He vould have an enormous schwanzstucker”
August 4th, 2008 at 10:41 am
I guess Pearlman is getting the fantasy football league slot this year
August 4th, 2008 at 11:02 am
“It got to the point of ejaculation.”
Wow. I mean….Wow. Who’s gonna tell Charles to stop?
August 4th, 2008 at 11:08 am
No van should have to see what I saw the time Charles and Troy snuck my keys out of Nate’s locker.
“Put that UCLA education to work boy!”
August 4th, 2008 at 11:21 am
@Rhodes
Franklin: John Footpenis?
John Hancock: It’s Hancock now!
August 4th, 2008 at 11:22 am
@smurphette: I’m sure you’ll be happy to know that every year Steve Young travels to Hawaii for the Pro Bowl without his wife, and every year he’s seen on the beach at 2am with someone who’s not his wife.
@Nate’s van: At least with Troy you never have to worry about those annoying stains on the back seat. Gulp!
August 4th, 2008 at 11:26 am
Filed under: Days I’m actually kinda glad I don’t have a penis.
August 4th, 2008 at 11:40 am
added to the DO NOT WANT list.
August 4th, 2008 at 11:58 am
I still have a question though, did Montana suck it or what?
Nah. Montana wasn’t disturbed. He was busy upstairs in his own room masturbating.
August 4th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Cannot believe that it took this long to have a reference to Y Tu Mama Tambien around here.
August 4th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
The only thing that would make the Haley story better is if it included an anecdote about asking Jay Novacek for his fruit cocktail.
August 4th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
….nipples hard as little rocks.
August 4th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
@UU –
/casts first stone.
August 4th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
@Gern: Slapshot, now that I know. Football? Not so much.
August 4th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
As a straight guy, I always assumed NOT jerking off in front of naked guys was the way to go. Never to old to learn, I guess. Can’t wait to Haley my boss in our next meeting.
August 4th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
@ Lucky Like Little
Ah yes, John Footpenis. John Hancock doesn’t embody close to the same appeal or chutzpah. Would an autographed football by the sexboat Vikings be “covered in footpenises” or “smothered in footpenii”? Would I use the same terminology to describe the situation that the hookers were in?
August 4th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Man, I missed so much, not being athletic in high school and college. And all the mean things we geeks said about the athletes were true after all. This changes everything…
August 4th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
“And then YOU say, ‘My, what a lovely tea party…’”
August 4th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Hey, Joe Montana, don’t just stare at it – eat it.
August 4th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Wow, umm. Wow. Worst sitch I can remember in my office lives so far: having a senior explain to the new guy transferred in from Finland (country over there, yes) that we need him to wear clean shirts and wash his pits regular. That was super awkward as is.
I am trying to picture a HR type sit down with Charles. “Now Charles, we all understand you just want to be expressive…”
August 4th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
That’s not natural
http://www.collegefastbreak.com/
August 4th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
@Ottoman
Holy crap, forgot all about that! Great SNL reference. But the joke ad (for TiVo) with him & Ronnie Lott for masculine itching was even better.
August 4th, 2008 at 9:40 pm
This is hilarious! I’m classmates with C.J. Haley, Charle’s son!
August 4th, 2008 at 11:55 pm
from Charles Haley’s wikipedia entry:
“Haley had the reputation of being a volatile and unpredictable yet exceptionally talented and hard working player.”
Seems like one hell of an understatement.
August 5th, 2008 at 6:16 am
Who among us hasn’t masturbated to the point of ejaculation while talking loudly about Jennifer Montana?
August 5th, 2008 at 9:35 am
masturbating right in front of me in a completely unprofessional manner
To be fair, I also have failed to develop the professional masturbating technique that would allow me the kind of freedom in the workplace I so sorely need.
August 5th, 2008 at 9:42 am
George Bush doesn’t care about small black girls who look waaayyyy too much like Charles Haley
August 5th, 2008 at 11:10 am
[...] 5, 2008 · No Comments KSK has an advanced copy of Jeff Pearlman’s new book, titled “Boys Will Be Boys.” The best part? Charles Haley: Haley would stroll up to an unsuspecting (49er) teammate, whip out [...]
August 5th, 2008 at 11:59 am
You know you’ve made too many references to some dude’s dick when you have to break out “phallus.”
August 5th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
[...] So if you want to more about Haley and his happy endings head on over to Kissing Suzy Kolber. [...]
August 5th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
[...] Haley was a helluva teammate Charles Haley Would Like You To Watch Him Masturbate | Kissing Suzy Kolber [...]
August 5th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
aw that’s just Haley being Haley
August 5th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
[...] lovable, laughable, untouchable Kissing Suzy Kolber has dropped another fabulous story for us. In a new book coming out by Jeff Pearlmen called [...]
August 5th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
[...] The Dallas Cowboys used to overlook the fact that Charles Haley was a manic depressive crazy who masturbated in team meetings because they knew he was a damned good [...]
August 5th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
C’mon, this stuff happens to me on a daily basis from a lot more guys than just one.
August 6th, 2008 at 9:35 pm
You know how I know you’re gay?
August 7th, 2008 at 8:50 am
I was his roommate at JMU, and he never asked me to suck his cock :(
August 7th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
I just didn’t know Milton Berle was hung like that?
August 7th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
So what’s your point? Dallas Cowboys club and fans won three Lombardis during that period! Any fan worth a damn would put up with a little splooge on the lockers for three friggin rings! Whaddya, new?!?
August 9th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
You think this guy ever rubbed one out while actually on the football field, either in between the lines or on the sidelines?
August 31st, 2008 at 11:28 pm
What in the world do Brady Quinn or Vin Diesel have to do with this? If I were them I’d sue the hell out of this a-hole hack of a writer.
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:49 pm
oh god jeff, take it easy pal.
September 12th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
I am a lawyer who represents Vin Diesel. Consider yourself SUED, asshole!
September 12th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
GChatting: web traffic, Charles Haley…
Face: But happy news today for some reason, and I’m still trying to figure this out, I’ve had like 300 visitors to the blog today. here’s the weird thing, they’re all coming from a google search for Charles Haley Penis…
September 13th, 2008 at 6:01 am
TSG at ESPN mentioned Haley’s penis. Your site comes up 2nd on google. Good job (no pun intended).
September 14th, 2008 at 12:19 am
[...] of Kissing Suzy Kolber Share and Enjoy: These icons link to social bookmarking sites where readers can share and [...]
September 17th, 2008 at 11:48 am
[...] spreads, her Hollywood stock is going to rise faster than Charles Haley’s ample unit during a Dallas Cowboys player’s wives reunion. There is no way she’s dating Brian Austin Greene in one month ’cause if I’m [...]
September 19th, 2008 at 12:46 am
[...] [SOURCE] [...]
September 20th, 2008 at 11:58 pm
[...] rounds this week and we will happily join in to promote it. It is ridiculously entertaining. Yes, Charles Haley is the star, but there is so much more to it than just his dong-flapping craziness. Honestly, buy it. [...]
September 23rd, 2008 at 6:26 pm
Michael Irvin would kill for a haircut…
I really need to read Boys Will Be Boys, Jeff Pearlman’s new book about the Dallas Cowboys during the 90s. First it brought us this gem about Charles Haley’s locker room antics, now we find out that Hall of Fame…
September 23rd, 2008 at 10:49 pm
Goes to show that Dallas is s certified nut house. Drug addicts dating back to the 70s, convicts, and meat beaters.
Hail to the Redskins!
September 24th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
[...] Pearlman writes: Haley would stroll up to an unsuspecting (49er) teammate, whip out his phallus, and repeatedly stroke it in his face. Players initially laughed it off… SOURCE [...]
September 25th, 2008 at 10:12 am
Why do you think Jimmy Johnson’s hair was always in place? A little dab’ll do ya!
September 25th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
I don’t get the Brady Quinn comment … can someone explain that one for me?
September 25th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
[...] Be Boys, we thought we’d add an even better excerpt. This time, it seems that Charles Haley liked to play with it in front of teammates and coaches. But apparently, it wasn’t just grabbing it for affectation, but full-on whacking [...]
September 26th, 2008 at 3:07 am
I went to JMU and lived in the same dorm as Haley. I can personally vouch that I’ve seen him walk up and down the halls stark naked. On occasion, he liked to randomly walk into the rooms of GUYS taking a nap on a couch and then with his… ur…package inches away from their face wake them up and say, “Is that not the biggest thing you’ve ever seen? What do you think of that.”
I also have the claim to fame of kicking him out of the pool room! And I actually helped him out in how to find a book in the library. He wouldn’t know me from a hole in the wall b/c he was so self-absorbed.
September 26th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
[...] – 46 i’d take some time explaining this pick, but i’m too preoccupied thinking about charles haley jerking off at team meetings. i mean, seriously, W. T. F. it is weird to think how people or groups that we put [...]
October 17th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
I played with Haley in college. This story has to be true. The guy kept everyone laughing every day. He was a year ahead of me and on my recruiting trip to JMU they took me by the weight room. He was in there doing power cleans with his pants around his ankles. Then he threw the bar up in the air and yelled “I am the great mandingo”. I said I gotta go to school like this.
October 27th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
Hi, I have a question for guys. I have been talking to this girl on the internet. Everything was going great. When I thought about her I got an erection. Which was good. But then one day I jerked off to her picture. Now when I talk to her I don’t get excited like I used to. Has any guy out there jerked off to say their wives? Am I just going crazy?
December 23rd, 2008 at 11:04 pm
I think that’s his cock in the picture all dressed up to go out for the night.
January 8th, 2009 at 11:56 am
I worked with Haleys brother in the Marines and all he did was brag about Charles. I wonder if he’s bragging now. This being the holiday season and all, I wonder if Chuck masterbates at family gatherings
April 6th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Commenting usually isnt my thing, but ive spent an hour on the site, so thanks for the info