Aaron Rodgers Finally Reaches His Breaking Point
Okay, everyone! Gameday has finally arrived! Oh, thank goodness. Now, I know there’s been an awful lot of drama around here lately. But that’s all in the past now. I’m glad we can finally put that whole controversy to rest. It’s time to turn the page and get ready for a whole new era! Am I right? So let’s go out there and give that Lambeau crowd a chance to see a brand new kind of winning Packer football! Are you excited? I’m excited! I waited a long time to be drafted, and I waited a long time to start. But finally, it’s my time. It’s OUR time! LET’S GET FIRED UP! WAHOO! YAY! ALL RIGHT! WHO’S WITH ME?! YEAH!
(gets sacked)
Hey, that’s all right. No problem there. Better to take the sack than throw a foolish pass, am I right? That’s how it’s gonna be here. No flash. Just smart football. I think all of you are getting an idea of the steady kind of leadership I’m here to provide! Now let’s get back out there, team!
(gets sacked again)
Again, not a problem. Just taking care of the ball and managing the game. I think, as time goes by, everyone here is going to come to appreciate my savviness!
(locks in on one receiver, gets sacked again)
Boy, you know I think you guys blocked a little harder last year.
(gets pass tipped and intercepted)
Okay! That’s okay! Not a problem. Nothing I could do about that. Not going to worry about the things I can’t control… just gonna stay strong mentally and play within myself…
(throws 8-yard completion without any sort of bravado or derring-do)
See! There it is! A good, solid completion. Keeping the ball moving, not trying to do too much out there. Isn’t that great? That should really please these fans out here tonight!
Oh, god dammit. The fuck is wrong with you people?
No! No, Aaron! Stay strong! Don’t let it all get to you. Keep your composure. Don’t get rattled. Poise! Must stay poised! Can’t… let it… get… to… me…
GAHHHHHH!!!!!
(runs to locker room)
(runs back out)
The world is a festering pile of molten spider excrement. And its people are clones, ghoulish clones of death whose only mission is to suck each other dry, and then to ejaculate their hate babies upon piles of twisted, mangled flesh and broken bones. There is no sun. There is no day. There is only night – a long, dark night of savage bloodletting. In a world of hopeless decay and indifference. Left to its own shadowy fate.
I shall not participate in its hypocrisy.
And lies.
LIES LIES LIES LIES.
I have written a poem, a poem that shall put the pus-thirsty masses in their place. And I shall read it to you aloud, so that everyone might here and suffer the truth of their own blindness.
God is an afterbirth,
A rotting placenta that sucks away rather than nourishes.
And his love is not love but pain.
He delights only in seeing the maggot-infested carcasses of lovers
Ground up by the hate machine
And shat out upon the dying lands.
Pain is God
Here is your tribute, your worship
(spits on ground)
Ha.
Live with that, people of Green Bay. The Aaron Rodgers you once knew is dead, and YOU are the murderers. MURDERERS! That cheese on your head had turned bleu and marbled. I shall not be one of your lab mice. You are all bathing in the black amniotic fluid of ignorance.
I will enjoy watching the world die.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, me and my Twihard friends are going to go egg Stephanie Meyer’s house for the way she mishandled Bella and Edward’s romance at the end of “Breaking Dawn”.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, books i'll never read, goth aaron rodgers, has kelly holcomb's body language, this will end badly
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August 12th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
I’d rather be a whiny pussy than a faggy goth kid.
August 12th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Nice “favretard” hidden tag on the jersey shot. Subtlety is the clitoris of genius or something like that.
August 12th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
I live in Wisconsin – pleae tell me Goth A-Rod will be a regular guest. The Cheesedicks in GB deserve this…
August 12th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
“Mr. Rodgers, Lynn Dickey and Don Majkowski are on conference call on line one.”
By the way, dick_gozinia, porky1: well played, old chums.
August 12th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Green Bay has a Hot Topic?
August 12th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Hey Drew. C’mon! Aren’t you always bitching about over-Favrerization? Can’t you draw upon something else for a change?
Are you honestly gonna give Tavaris a free pass here? The guy who, even more than Rodgers, stands poised to take an otherwise Super Bowl caliber team and drive it straight into the toilet? And drive you to puking in said toilet?
C’mon, you can’t write a better script than a complete disaster of a QB starting for a team with title aspirations and a recovering alcoholic star defensive end! Throw in Childress and certain vag-swilling O-lineman and you have a season-long series!
August 12th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Damn, Rodgers will never get that fine cheesehead tang (as seen in the GOD jersey pic)
August 12th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
If you want to read a guy who bitches about his favorite team all season long, go read Simmons.
August 12th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
Fuckin’-A, if Brett Favre is God, I’m goin’ Satanist. Besides, the Devil’s been giving me some dynamite proposals lately.
August 12th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
Three thoughts:
1. That Photoshop is just … wow. Scrumtrilescent, I guess, would be a good word to describe it. Is that Fergie’s hair?
2. Can anyone remember another time where a potential #1 overall pick has been picked 20+ spots later than most experts thought he would be, and still managed to become a bust?
3. Why, oh why, can’t the Eagles be on the Packers schedule this year? “Goth Aaron Rodgers Meets the Emo Eagles” would make “Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein” look like “Scooby-Doo Meets the Harlem Globetrotters.”
August 12th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Is that Scott Stapp in the last picture?
August 12th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
The world is a festering pile of molten spider excrement. And its people are clones, ghoulish clones of death whose only mission is to suck each other dry, and then to ejaculate their hate babies upon piles of twisted, mangled flesh and broken bones. There is no sun. There is no day. There is only night – a long, dark night of savage bloodletting. In a world of hopeless decay and indifference. Left to its own shadowy fate.
So that’s why all those suburban kids kill themselves? I still don’t get it, but OKAYEEE.
August 12th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Aaron’s Mom and Step-Dad TOTALLY don’t get him. OMG.
August 12th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
That last picture is one scary lookin’ Troll Doll.
August 12th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Good ole’ bleeding arms Rodgers.
August 12th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
The guy in the “God” Favre jersey needs to die. That is all.
August 12th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
If there’s a better stereotype of women in Green Bay than the chick on the right of the “God” jersey guy, I’d like to see it.
August 12th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
Deep down we all know that’s a growler on his chin right?
August 12th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
By the way, Drew, where’s your help today? Did the rest of the gay mafia take the day off?
August 12th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
“There is only night – a long, dark night of savage bloodletting.”
Seems somebody else has been hanging out with Ray Lewis.
August 12th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
Whoa, whoa whoa….. is that a black man in the stands at Lambeau? Didn’t see that one coming.
August 12th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
/feels somewhat less bitchy for naming fantasy team “Aaron Rodgers’ Rage Diaries” now.
August 12th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Whoa, whoa whoa….. is that a black man in the stands at Lambeau? Didn’t see that one coming.
Nah. The only way you’d see a black man in the stands at a game in Wisconsin is if Ron Artest played the Bucks.
August 12th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Well, I guess that makes him good trade bait for the Emo Eagles
August 12th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Wack-a-mo.
August 12th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
2. Can anyone remember another time where a potential #1 overall pick has been picked 20+ spots later than most experts thought he would be, and still managed to become a bust?
See: Quinn, Brady
August 12th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
love the fine Wisconsin hawties on the “Allah” pic
August 12th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
@ Devine and Ryno
You assholes stole my thunder
/emo Eagle
August 12th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
Anyone else notice the orange camo hat on the Favretard?
August 12th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Green Bay has a Hot Topic?
Actually, yeah.
August 12th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
That picture of the guy with the Favre jersey with the cackling heffers on either side of him is how I’ve always imagined one of the inner circles of hell.
August 12th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
“If there’s a better stereotype of women in Green Bay than the chick on the right of the “God” jersey guy, I’d like to see it.”
Umm, how about the chick on the left of the “God” jersey guy?
August 12th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
How is it possible that this is the first use of the “this will end badly” tag?
August 12th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
How can Aaron Rodgers be a bust when the guy hasn’t even started a game yet?
/dick joke
August 12th, 2008 at 6:45 pm
@Otto
A couple of months ago they interviewed him on ESPN and he actually did have hair and a goatee and I thought the exact same fucking thing.
/goes and blasts ‘My Own Prison’
//proceeds to kill self
August 12th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
aaaaand I found the picture http://media1.msnbc.com/j/ap/e73ee09e-3229-4fc4-8b4d-47ed9ae7e2f8.hmedium.jpg
August 12th, 2008 at 8:48 pm
i’d like to beat that fellow in the god jersey to death with a bag of oranges. it’d take time, but would be oh so worth it.
August 12th, 2008 at 11:59 pm
So God delights only in seeing the maggot-infested carcasses of lovers ground up by the hate machine? I think I finally found religion.
/opens Holy Maggot-Infested Carcass Bible/
//reads it, smiles contentedly//
August 13th, 2008 at 12:50 am
Hmmm… I’m torn I guess… happy that my team has a character in the KSK show. But disappointed that he didn’t have a door to fly through.
/locks the door on the way out.
August 13th, 2008 at 1:06 am
Have to say..I know we were to get our adds agst out a post or to ago.. but 1 PoP blocked and the annoying middle out of nowhere thing I have to close I’m gone. Liked your work but sell outs lost all cred.
August 13th, 2008 at 1:08 am
those are certainly a couple of unsightly heifers in the God picture.
August 13th, 2008 at 1:51 am
Fuck you Tanos. You try to update a nationally recognized blog 2-4 times a day, 5 days a week. Oh, yeah, and before you say “easy” you also have make it interesting and funny enough for hundreds of readers to come back regularly–AND it still has to be worth the work you put in it as an adult with fucking bills and responsibilities.
You couldn’t do it if you had a team of ex-Letterman writers. Good riddance.
August 13th, 2008 at 2:18 am
I bet drew will fellate you now
August 13th, 2008 at 9:07 am
The boy played HS and college football in Northern California….he smokes way too much of my precious cargo to ever snap and go goth bitch over the opinions of Fat Pasty Nation.
On the other hand, Charles Haley thinks this means Rodgers can suck it like nobody’s business.