Many, many thanks go to video wunderkind Awful Announcing for providing this clip of Chad Johnson’s sideline interview with Suzy Kolber last night. See if you can follow Ocho Cinco’s serpentine logic during the course of this interview:
1. Johnson is disgruntled with the Bengals
2. Looking for guidance, Johnson talks to Ray Lewis
3. Johnson says Lewis helped him see “the big picture”
4. Johnson refuses to disclose what the big picture is, only saying this:
“The world is gonna get every bit of Dade County I got in me. If you don’t understand what that means, watch the Hurricanes of the 90’s.”
I’m pretty sure this means Chad Johnson will, like those Hurricanes, start off well, only to gradually fall into a horrible state of disrepair, culminating in an SI cover asking him to drop football entirely.
And then he’ll get arrested on multiple gun charges. Maybe even stab two people in a nightclub.
Enjoy your season, Bengal fans!
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Ah, just another reminder to root for him getting laid out. That’s always fun to see.
So, 85 is at 85%. That might be the only number Chad knows.
We need to stop interviewing all athletes. Now.
I didn’t know Chad Johnson was Cuban.
I think it means he is going to sleep with his underage student.
And the chuckle-head commentators were hooting and laughing about what a great guy Chad is and how, ten seconds later, he won’t remember what he said or at least say something completely different. Guys … that’s called crazy (not in the fun way, either). The man has a deviated brain stem.
I really usually wonder what drugs he is on. Now, it really doesn’t matter. They aren’t working anymore and soon he will be doing weird shit like Barret of the Raiders night before the Superbowl shit.
Man, WR are some weird fucks.
I can’t stand any of ‘em, Rooster. I feel the same way about college football that I do about minor league baseball…because that’s all it is, the NFL’s minor league.
But, as Jesse “The Body” Ventura once said: “Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat.” And he was a Governor of Minnesota! That’s almost like a real state!
Hey Porky1, if you ain’t cheating you ain’t trying. I mean look at Ohio State…..though I must say cheating really hasn’t worked out too well for them lately.
/Can’t stand THE Ohio State
“The World Is Gonna Get Every Bit A Dade County I Got In Me”
If that’s the case, I think Suzy just got pregnant again
This guy used to be entertaining and coherent, now he weirds me out a little. He’s like the Tom Cruise of the NFL, except probably less gay.
I can’t wait until everyone decides to not draft him in my fantasy league, then I follow suit, then I join in and mock the asshole who takes him, and then weep as he tears it up, revenge fucking the Bengals and my poor, white-collar, cowardly existence.
Threadjack: I was perusing MMQB’s tues. ed. in hopes that finally the day had come when PK gave us “Drew from Washington writes: I hope you die in a space-docking blumpkin shi*kakke accident involving all 32 NFL starting QBs, or at least the white ones.” I don’t know what that means Drew, but I’ll tell you one thing, that Jason Campbell sure has a strong handshake, I hope he can remember all those complicated plays.
Then I read this: But at the end of the day, Player A is not paying me. Sports Illustrated and NBC are paying me (and lately, Sirius Radio).
Heard it hear first, PK gotsa get paaaaayyyyyyeed.
If nothing else they might have another combined 80-point showdown with Cleveland that puts a lot of fantasy teams over the top.
pretty sure he is talking about actual hurricanes, i.e. the weather phenomena. Like he is going to ‘tear shit up’ so much that the rest of the league will look like Dade County in the aftermath of a hurricane. Now all I can picture is Chris farley pretending to be El nino.
+1 SMK. I literally laughed out loud at that comment.
Oh, BTW, good luck Bungle fans with this tool on your team. I see another solid 5-11, or 6-10 season for you Bengal fan.
what was really awesome about this interview was that every single tv in the bar i was in was on it last night and the stupid fucking manager couldnt figure out how to turn a tv to the olympics. if i lived in cinci or green bay thatd be fine, but in charlotte fucking north carolina that game is not important. fuck chad johnson.
That clip reminds me — I need to watch “Pootie Tang” again soon.
Hugh!
/ducks
Does Suzy Kolber’s microphone double as a sick stick? Is that why she’s able to get close to these crazies without worrying about her own safety? Or is she just gangsta like that?
Cool…I damn near broke my remote control hitting the mute button to shut this guy up last night, and today I can NOT watch the video and ignore him some more.
“Watch the Hurricanes of the 90′s.”
Wasn’t this a Weather Channel special?
Actually, I think he was simply talking about the act of getting paid to play football and not reading books, something U of Miami’s been doing for 30 years strong.
Claiming Chad Johnson lost his mind presupposes he was, at some point in time, NOT insane. I refuse to believe this.
I like that Chad Johnson
off the damn reservation.
Ray Ray as VP could at least carry Dade County. Eat your heart out, Joe Lieberman.
“The world is gonna get every bit of Dade County I got in me. That’s right. Some of the world will get the part that’s Aventura. Other parts will get the bit that’s made out of Sweetwater. Ray-Ray can take the part that’s Miami Beach with all my love. The world is my playground and I’m playing Chinese Checkers.”
/Ocho Cinco
Someone recently sent me a graph breaking down players’ average Wonderlic scores by position. (Centers and offensive tackles tend to have the highest scores, followed by QBs, etc.) I noticed that wide receivers have far and away the lowest average scores (except for tailbacks, which is also not surprising) and immediately thought of this dummy. He’s like Lindsay Lohan dumb. ME CATCH BALL. ME RUN FAST. ME GET SUSPENDED BECAUSE ME WANT TO CHANGE SHIRT BECAUSE ME MORE IMPORTANT THAN TEAM THAT PAY ME. Gross.
“You never go full retard, never” -Suzy Kolber
/rejoking
//still making no sense
When did Ray Lewis become the NFL Yoda?
Between this and Ray Lewis’ cameo on Hard Knocks, I’m waiting to hear one of the presidential candidates begin mentioning Ray-Ray as a VP candidate.
What an ass. Maybe for one of his touchdown celebrations this year he can carry the cross back to the sideline. Spoiled baby.
Does Kolber get hazard pay for getting that close to a trainwreck?
“The World Is Gonna Get Every Bit A Dade County I Got In Me”
Did Ray-Ray fuck him in the ass?
Maybe he’s going to join the 7th Floor Crew:
what’s ya name?
Ocho Cinco
where you stick it?
in the stinko
@Spud: And his legal advice from Lionel Hutz.
Johnson also takes his investment advice from Evander Holyfield.
I think he just issued a Fatwa.
Don’t you see? He’s Batman.
Just testing:
Hey, that match.com girl is hawt!
If Ray Lewis is the moral compass, that means he is magnetic. How did he drop the knife after stabbing those two guys?
/overly science geeked.
Ocho Cinco….lost?? Hummmmmm….maybe the Eye-Tai spidey can solve this conundrum. Or maybe…just maybe it’s a case for SHAFT, John Shaft…..’cause he a baaaaadd mutha f
Shut yo mouth!
I jus talk’n ’bout Shaft
I didn’t know Ray Lewis was the moral compass for the bengals.
“not drafting him in fantasy this year”
That was also the first thing I thought after reading/watching this.
Shouldn’t he have said he was at OCHO CINCO percent? Huh? Huh? Anyone?
/crickets