Sweet sportsblogging Christ, thank fuck a new season is born on Thursday after what seems like a 38-month off-season. Thanks for the occasional momentary diversion March Madness, the Olympics, NBA and NHL Playoffs, and, well, that’s it. Baseball just now starts getting halfway interesting this month. Bad timing, fuckos.

Because, at heart, even before NFL fan fiction writers, Judith Light stalkers and dick joke slingers, we’re fans, here are our Super Bowl picks…

Drew: Indy over Seattle
Ape: San Diego over Dallas
Ufford: New England over Green Bay
Punter: Dallas over New York

(The other KSK writers will add theirs at their discretion)

If you don’t want to read me rambling on about fantasy football, feel free to skip straight down to the tits. I won’t mind.

In his recent column, Stephen A. Smith discusses the disparity between whites and blacks when it comes to participating in fantasy football. One of the possible reasons cited was that whites have disproportionate access to better paying jobs and the high-speed internet access that often entails. Perhaps there is some validity to that theory, but I’m not here to talk about race. Talk, by the way, is all we do about race in America. But if it’s any consolation, we talk about it a whole fucking lot.

No my point, and I’m sure you wish I’d get to it and on to the aforementioned tits, is that Smith’s column reminded me of the days lo’ those many years when I started playing fantasy football. A time when a) I was working shitty retail jobs and; b) next to no one had dial-up—let alone high speed—internet access. I remember going to drafts with dozens of index cards and the football issue of “Fantasy Baseball” magazine. If there were any dedicated fantasy football magazine in those days—it never made it out to the hinterlands.

It was in that first draft I witnessed what is still the worst pick I have ever seen or will ever see. First pick of the second round: JEFF FUCKING JAEGER. I still remember the guy smirking indignantly, “He led the league in scoring last season.” A lot of you have drafts coming up this weekend and early next week. Don’t be the Jeff Jaeger Guy. And as you sally forth into the holiday weekend, enjoy yourselves and for God’s sake don’t get any stupid songs stuck in your head.

And now, as promised, the tits…

(more…)

I think Vince Papale really needs to let this shit go.

The news today, besides John McCain picking some Alaskan woman as his veep (We get to blame women for spoiling the election! Everything that goes wrong the next four years will be their fault!), is that Chad Johnson has legally changed his last name to Ocho Cinco. Because he’s 17 different kinds of cray-cray.

However, wacky names are no longer solely the providence of hippies, celebrities and the generally coke-addled, because you – yes you, generically named reader – get to pick an amusing sounding but totally nonsensical appellation. For life!

This, the final commenter draft of the off-season, is dedicated to what name you would legally change your name to. It can be zany, awesome or it can even be a name already taken by a public figure. Carry out horrific acts and despoil their good name!

My opening pick: Cocknballs Hussein Von Rapesalot

Nobody’s ever mistaking my lunch order again!

You know, I turned away from watchin’ my ol’ boys from the Wolfpack playin’ them no good Gamecocks last night in some footbaw to see what this Obarama feller had to say last night, and I have to say I wudn’t very impressed.

When is this colored feller gonna get more specific?

All he talked about last night was war, the economy, immigration, abortion, taxes, gun control, conservation, government regulation, education, foreign policy, and energy policy. But that was all just RHETORIC. Folks down here don’t care to hear all that lofty talk. We’re real Americans. We need to hear SUBSTANCE!

For instance, he barely talked about trade last night. I had hoped he would devote at least 70 minutes to talking about trade. And he didn’t spend 35 minutes talking about property levies, like I wanted. And how come he didn’t say NOTHIN’ about the garbage cans that have been sittin’ in Mrs. Furlong’s yard for HIGH ON THREE WEEKS NOW? The whole neighborhood was up in arms about that! How could he neglect to even MENTION it? Sounds like someone isn’t really tuned in to what the American people need to hear!

And he didn’t say SHIT about how Jake Delhomme’s elbow is doin’. I wonder… does he even care?

Nope, he didn’t say nothin’ about any of that. Instead, he just spent 45 minutes giving a detailed, toplined plan about what he planned to do as President. Well, that just strikes me as hollow. I much would have preferred an 85-hour telethon that noted every detail of every single thing he has ever done or ever will do. Now, I heard that you can get this kind of info on his “intersite”. But, that sounds pretty darn elitist to me. NOT ALL OF US HAVE FANCY INTERSITES, SIR! WE ONLY GOT RADIOS LAST WEEK!

I just think this feller’s different. I done never seen him walking around town! How can I trust someone that hasn’t even served on my city council? I don’t know what kind of crazy tricks he’ll try and pull. I don’t think he gets what really matters to us everyday folk.

Like that stage last night. I didn’t care for that art direction ONE BIT. And he didn’t get how much that means to me. So I’m not votin’ for that feller. He just isn’t giving me any concrete reasons to vote for him.

Also, he’s black.

We’re looking for people to help us run the suicide pools for this year. Yes, we’re having them.

For us to consider you helpful, you must be willing to set up a Yahoo! pool for us to direct our commenters to sign up, and mail in updates of that pool every three weeks. If you are interested in helping out, send an email to me at mondaymorningpunter <at> gmail.com with the phrase SUICIDE POOL in your subject line. I need to hear from you today. Thanks.

UPDATE: If you’re wondering if we still need people, yes, we still need people. Thanks a ton to those that have already volunteered. Your service is crucial to our efforts.

OH YEAH, SHIT BE BACK ON.

We gon shine. We gon take dat shit and we gon make it FLOOD. We gon make a MONPOON. We gon take dem fisty girlz and stick it up in dat azz loco-style. AIN’T NOBODY GON LEAVE DA PARTY TILL ALL DAT AZZ BE DRAINED.

And we gon drank. HAY-ULLS YEAH, WE GON DRANK. We gon chomp dem power dots and chase dem ghosts till dat Blinky stop dat blinkin’. We gon ABABABABABABA till we come out da otha side of dat azz. Shit be smokin’ round the rim when we break that shit off. Den we gon light up like Level 5.

AIN’T NOBODY GON KEEP US FROM FISHIN’ ON DAT PUSSYDOCK CAUSE WE GOT DA RODZ. PACMAN DOWN WIT IT. HE GOT DA DONGBAIT TO MAKE DEM CHERRIES BOUNCE ALL NIGHT LONG.

HOUSE THAT SHIT.

In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Johnson into his home, in a spirited attempt to get both men to understand one another better.

Marvin: Bathroom’s down the hall. The kids are in bed around nine or so, so try and keep noise to a minimum after that.

Ocho: I hear ya. No problem at all. Listen, coach, I have to wash my hands. Is there a bathroom I can use?

Marvin: Oh yeah, almost forgot: my contractor is here today to replace some of our piping. The water in the house was shut off for the morning. Here.

Marvin: Just use this to wash your hands.

Ocho: That? No, no, no. I can’t use that. That’s drankin’ water. I can’t use that.

Marvin: What are you talking about? It’s water. It’s the same. You can drink it, bathe with it, water plants with it, whatever.

Ocho: No, it’s not. This water is specifically for DRANKIN’. I can’t use drankin’ water on my hands. It’s dangerous. I need sink water.

Marvin: But… you CAN use it. It’s not dangerous at all. They’re both just water.

Ocho: No, there are different kinds of water.

Marvin: No, there aren’t. All water is the same.

Ocho: No, it isn’t.

Marvin: Yes, it is.

Ocho: No, it isn’t.

Marvin: Yes, it is.

Ocho: Then how come they tell you not to drank the water that’s in the ocean?

Marvin: That’s seawater. It has salt in it.

Ocho: EXACTLY. That’s a different kind of water. Like drankin’ water.

Marvin: No, no. That isn’t how it works. All water is THE SAME, Chad. It’s the same base molecule, H2O. Two parts hydrogen, one part oxygen.

Ocho: The fuck you talking about? There’s no oxygen in water. That’s the air.

Marvin: No, you don’t understand. At the molecular level, all water is the same: H2O.

Ocho: Like “Halloween: H2O”?

Marvin: NO! Listen to me. Water is all the same, but then other things can be dissolved into it, like minerals, or flavorings, or salt…

Ocho: Why would I add salt to water if it makes it taste so bad?

Marvin: You wouldn’t. That just happens naturally in the oceans.

Ocho: Then, if it naturally has salt in it, then it’s NATURALLY a different kind of water, just like Vitamin Water…

Marvin: Again, that’s not water. That’s a sweetened beverage.

Ocho: Or Fire Water…

Marvin: That’s a liqueur.

Ocho: Or Waterworld…

Marvin: That’s a motion picture starring Kevin Costner and Jeanne Tripplehorn. None of those things are water. Not Waterworld, or Vitamin Water…

Ocho: Then why does it say WATER on the goddamn bottle?

Marvin: Because that’s a brand name. Just because you CALL something water doesn’t make it water.

Ocho: What about Brian Waters? He seems very watery. Always dripping.

Marvin: No, no. Brian Waters is an offensive lineman. Not a kind of water. Water is an INGREDIENT in Vitamin Water, and even in people, but that doesn’t make either one ALL water. They have other stuff in them.

Ocho: Okay then, let me ask you this: Would you wash your hands with Vitamin Water?

Marvin: No, you can’t wash your hands with Vitamin Water.

Ocho: See? I rest my case. THAT is why I can’t use the drankin’ water for my hands.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. ARE YOU THE DENSEST PERSON ON THE FACE OF THE FUCKING EARTH?! FRESH, CLEAR FUCKING WATER IS SAFE TO DRINK AND TO WASH YOUR FUCKING HANDS WITH. WHAT FUCKING BYZANTINE LABYRINTH OF BREATHTAKINGLY FUCKHEADED LOGIC CAUSED YOU TO DEDUCE THAT YOU CAN’T WASH YOUR HANDS WITH A GODDAMN SPLASH OF AQUAFINA, YOU DROOLING FUCKING MORON?

Ocho: Hmm… I’m still not convinced about this, man. I think I should probably call Ray Lewis. He can settle this.

Marvin: No, no. You want proper sink water? FINE. I’ll go over to the neighbors and get some for you. I’ll back down on this juuust for you. Okay? That’s the kind of effort I’m gonna try and make, so we can co-exist, EVEN THOUGH YOU LACK THE BASIC, RUDIMENTARY FUCKING UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT COMPRISES WATER AND WHAT DOES NOT.

(leaves, comes back with bowl full of water)

Here. Here’s some sink water.

Ocho: That’s not sink water. That’s in a bowl. That’s dog water. I can’t wash my hands in dog water.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

A quintet of randomly assembled trivia:

-QB Brodie Croyle lost all six games that he started last season. He played his college football at Alabama, where he perfected his unique, ellipically-shaped haircut, which he refers to simply as “Follicle Village.”

-RB Larry Johnson has 1,050 career carries, averaging 4.5 yards per pop. He credits his success to a training regimen called “Dots,” which involves him standing on a marked platform, eating spoonfuls of pebble-shaped ice cream.

-Jay Feely lasted exactly one day in Chiefs camp. Upon his dismissal, head coach Herm Edwards was praised for his humanity after declining to euthanize the kicker, choosing instead to simply open the front gate and let him roam free.

-Star linebacker Derrick Thomas died suddenly in 2000, so look for him to see reduced action this year.

-Kansas City is actually in Missouri which, to me, sounds like bullshit. The entire city used to be in Kansas, until it was stolen in 1836 by the old train robber Slippery Dan Honeybaker and his gang. They sacked the city in the dead of night, and then moved it outside of state lines, where they started the Great Plains Squaredancing Society, which holds meetings on the last friday of each month to this very day. PUT THAT MOTHERFUCKING TOWN BACK WHERE IT BELONGS, YOU COCKSUCKING SQUAREDANCERS.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 5.5

Verdict: PUSH

Look for Herm and the crew to tie their first 11 games and then back into a nice, Top-10 draft pick for 2009. You heard it here first.

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

Four bits of knowledge that will make you appear familiar with this team, plus a bonus:

-The city of San Diego is renown for its excellent zoo and large volume of secondhand pussy that couldn’t cut it in LA. The city is also home to a plethora of U.S. military bases that protect our freedom and stuff.

-Contrary to popular reports, outside linebacker Shawne Merriman didn’t tear his knee ligaments in action. Rather, he accidently raped his own leg while watching the first half-hour of the 1995 film, Higher Learning.

-Head coach Norv Turner was the surprise hire of 2007, but he would later shock the coaching world. He took the Chargers to the playoffs with an 11-5 record before showing the entire NFL that he actually does prefer to be called “Norv.”

-Chargers’ sixth-round draft pick DeJuan Tribble has been described by teammates as “soft, small, and gentile, and as producing a soothing purring sound”

-Ladanian Tomlinson is the consensus No. 1 pick in fantasy football this year. His durable frame and quick feet are in stark contrast to Megan Fox, the consensus No. 1 pick for fantasy anal.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 10.5

Verdict: OVER

It’s not a matter of IF, but WHEN the Chargers will lose to the Patriots in January.

DENVER BRONCOS

You’re still here? Do you really give a shit about this team?

- Jay Cutler has diabeetus. But he checks his blood sugar. And checks it often.

- Before this past offseason, Brandon Marshall once cut his hand on a toaster oven after a angry discussion that began with an excessively hot Cherry Pop Tart. In fact, many of the appliances in Marshall’s home meet in the living room on Tuesdays for group therapy sessions.

- Head coach Mike Shanahan has been with the Broncos for so long, the Denver Post has a historical back page feature called “Before That Rat-Faced Fuck Ran John Elway Out Of Town.”

- The city of Denver is 5,280 feet above sea level, and roughly 7,000 feet above reality.

- Selvin Young hopes to rush for 1,000 yards for the first time in his career this season. “Selvin” is actually Nubian for “hopes to rush for 1,000 yards for the first time in his career this season.”

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 7.5

Verdict: OVER

Denver should challenge for the AFC title, but they’ll need to score more points than the other team in about 12 or 13 games. You don’t get this level of analysis anywhere else.

OAKLAND RAIDERS

Five relatively quick morsels of information:

- Raiders owner Al Davis was the onetime commissioner of the American Football League, which rivaled the NFL back in the 1960s. The other former titles Davis has held include General of the Union army, leader of the expedition of the Louisiana Purchase, and pharaoh of Egypt.

- Justin Fargas rushed for over 1,000 yards last season, before the team drafted sensational rookie Darren McFadden in the first round. I don’t have a joke for that, but it’s pertinent.

- The Raiders traditionally have taken aging players released by other teams and let them finish their careers in Oakland. With the Patriots having recently adopted this trend, the Raiders have turned to a unique recruiting source: Al Qaeda.

- That Al Qaeda joke wasn’t really funny. Man, I’m getting tired.

- Upon his hiring, head coach Lane Kiffin usurped the San Diego Chargers’ title of “Most Poorly Named Head Coach.” Zing! Oh, come on, people!

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 6

Verdict: PUSH

JaMarcus Russell should benefit from a full training camp, but not enough to make up for a shitty defense and a head coach on a short leash with ownership. More like “ownershit.” Heh.

Nike knew L.T.’s dull-ass kicks weren’t going to sell themselves. Here we see him training with Elite XC’s Kimbo Slice. Tomlinson looks a lot tougher here than when we last saw him hiding out on the Charger bench still wearing his helmet while his team’s season crashed and burned. Is there a slightly racist homespun training regimen that Kimbo can devise to help us forget about that?