Coach Cowher’s Community College Students Had Better Start Finishing Their Goddamn Reading Assignments
I don’t get it. I really don’t fucking get it.
You think you can just walk in here, totally unprepared? You think you’re so goddamn good that you can just walk in here and lollyfuck around and miss assignments? Because none of you shitheads seem to give a damn. I asked for an honest effort. AND YOU FUCKED ME IN THE ASS IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT! You fucked yourselves and you fucked each other! FUCK FUCK FUCK!
[cell phone rings in first row. Cowher knocks phone out of student's hand with his chin, smashing it into the wall]
Where’s the passion? Where’s the topic sentences with supporting ideas? You dickeaters don’t even seem to GRASP THE BASIC CONCEPTS OF SENTENCE STRUCTURE. The subject sets up the predicate, people. We went over this during the summer. If you can’t–
[Student walks in late]
What is this, Terrell? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT? Did you just walk into my class two minutes late? WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? IF YOU THINK FOR A COCKSUCKIN’ MINUTE THAT YOU CAN LOLLY-WALTZY-GAG IN HERE LATE YOU ARE OUTTA YOUR FUCKING MIND! Whose program are you on, Terrell?
Same goes for all of you other Skittle-shits.
IN MY HAND are 25 of the worst goddamned reading assignments on The Fall of The House Of Usher I’ve EVER FUCKING READ IN MY ENTIRE PUSSY-LICKING LIFE! All you HAD TO DO was read the story TO KNOW THAT USHER ISN’T IN THE FUCKING STORY! This story was written 150 years before Usher’s DAD COULD EVEN BUST A LOAD!
Where’s Anderson? Did you bother to crawl out of your bean bag today, Anderson? Oh, good, YOU DID. Because you failed. I’d give you a lower grade than that, but you got an F because at least you drew a picture of a tree on the back of your assignment.
Anderson: That’s a house.
WHO THE FUCK ASKED YOU ABOUT ANYTHING!?!?!
This is horse-shit, people! Absolute fruit-laden horse shit!
And you better step it up. YOU BETTER STEP IT THE FUCK UP! BECAUSE IF YOU CAN’T CUT IT HERE AT WAKE TECHNICAL COMMUNITY, then guess what, goatfuckers? The only thing farther down IS THE FUCKING TURD IN BETWEEN YOUR CLEATS!
NOW READ GRAPES OF WRATH FOR TUESDAY AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CLASSROOM BEFORE I RIP YOUR ASSHOLES OUT OF YOUR TAINTS AND PAWN THEM OFF AS A VISOR COLLECTION! CLASS DISMISSED!!!
July 28th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
But someday when you’re outta here and you’ve forgotten all about this place and they’ve forgotten all about you, and you’re wrapped up in your own pathetic life, I’m gonna be there. That’s right. And I’m gonna kick the living shit out of you. I’m gonna knock your dick in the dirt.
July 28th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
I know it’s only text and pictures on a website, but I’m mildly scared that reading this means Cowher is going to burst into my house at midnight and rip me a selection of new assholes for sleeping.
July 28th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
My E.A.P. hatred began before the Ravens were a franchise, but they do not help.
Also, is it coincidence that most of the people who were late to any of my college courses were probably named Terrell as well?
July 28th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
Do the weblog awards have an award for outstanding use of profanity in a blog post?
July 28th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Just like daddy….
/beats own child
July 28th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
I might have liked college more with professors like this.
July 28th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
As we all know, The Fall of the House of Usher directly proceeded his Confessions album
July 28th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Punter, get out of my nightmares. I have two weeks left before I have to start teaching composition again, and I do not want to think about topic sentences, supporting claims, or anything else remotely connected to proper argumentative strategies, rhetoric, and/or grammar. F that; this is summer.
July 28th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Where was the spittle? This would be 150% more believable with copious amounts of spittle and mucous spraying in every which direction.
/threadjack
Why does Peter King make this so easy? 1st line from his column today “Nicest house and property I’ve ever seen in my years covering the NFL, I thought as I drove from the Favre place early Sunday morning.” Biff is not amused.
//end threadjack
July 28th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
Separated at birth: Sgt. Slaughter and Bill Cowher?
He should have had those maggots drop and give him twenty.
July 28th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Ahh… Wake Tech. The last refuge for those who couldn’t hang at Durham Tech, Alamance CC, or NC Central.
July 28th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
Lollyfucking Skittle-Shits is my FF team’s name.
July 28th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
still not as bad as catholic school nuns
July 28th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Where was the spittle? This would be 150% more believable with copious amounts of spittle and mucous spraying in every which direction.
True. A class with Cowher would be like a Gallagher show. The first five rows would be wearing garbage bags to avoid the onslaught.
July 28th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Good to know that Cowher is keeping busy while Carolina runs John Fox out of town.
July 28th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Cowher’s chin looks like Brittany Spears’s ass
http://www.collegefastbreak.com/
July 28th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
CakeorDie … Those explitives caught my eye as well. I’m considering ‘Waltzing Lollyfucks’.
July 28th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
That’s not really Cowher. If it was, he would end every other sentence with “LET’S GO!!!!!”
July 28th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
BEFORE I RIP YOUR ASSHOLES OUT OF YOUR TAINTS
I don’t think that’s possible, but I think Cowher could do it.
July 28th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Eep.
July 28th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Should have lit a match or busted a whiskey bottle on his chin for effect.
That would get those lollyfucking cockgaggers to pay attention.
July 28th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
I always thought it was grundle. Taint works too though.
July 28th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
I actually had an english prof who used tactics like these. Not so much with the profanity, but he definitely kicked everyone out one morning for not having read the material. Which, if you think about it tuition-wise, is a fairly large kick to the balls. Oh, and then he sodomized our little sisters with copies of the complete works of shakespeare. What a hard-ass, that guy.
July 28th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
@dougery Oh, so you had Tiefel too, eh?
I got a C+.
July 28th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
too bad this isn’t the cowher we see on sundays. i wouldn’t have been mad if he stuffed one of those papers in a students shirt pocket.
July 28th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
your-moms-pussy-tastes-like-salty-trail-mix.html
Random web addy, but funny.
July 28th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
I often fantasize about Cowher’s daughters, not because I find them attractive, but because I think that they would be a crackerjack rage fuck.
July 28th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
“Terrell, I want you to PARSE the PREDICATE!” (Chops Terrell’s shoulder.) “Do you understand me?! PARSE the PREDICATE!!!”
July 28th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
My lord, all of that foul language is just disgusting. Bill Cowher, do you kiss Bill Leavy with that mouth of yours?
July 28th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
You’ve captured my fantasy first lecture of the year. Thank you.
July 28th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
+1 for Poe reference.
actually, +1 billion for that whole thing.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:35 am
Yo teach. I got your present past participle dangling.