Training camp is here! Training camp is here! Training camp is here! YEAAARRRGGHHH!!
God, it’s just so nice to kinda not really have the NFL back. And if there’s anything that heralds the near-arrival of yet another NFL season, it’s that late-July/early-August time when your brain, as if on some sort of internal clock, says to you:
“Hey, you better get your fantasy league going, asshole.”
Oh, how I just adore planning for my fantasy season. Like any real NFL team (even the Lions!), this is the time of year when my record is 0-0 and the harsh survival-of-the-fittest process of the regular season has yet to cleave my spirit in two. I could win a championship year! I really could! This could be THE year, fuckos! God dammit, it’s fun to be so naïve.
This is the time of year when I run to the newsstand to pick the $8 fantasy annual that will give me terrible, terrible advice. I never pick the same one. One year I went with Street and Smith’s, which I think is published sometime around February 1st. Another year I went with Pro Football Weekly’s. That one was okay. Then I tried Lindy’s, which isn’t fit to line a snake cage. And don’t even get me started on Athlon. I swear it’s written by some sort of computer program. Worst of all, last year I picked the ESPN annual. Dunno why I did that. If you like your fantasy football delivered with Poochie-sized doses of synergized attitude, plus Mike & Mike’s gay bantering in written form, that’s the annual for you.
All of these annuals will help you compile your draft board, a draft board I assure you’ll end up deviating from during the draft (“Wait, maybe I should take Marques Colston instead of Calvin Johnson! FUCK IT, I’M DOING IT!”). But none of them will help with the most important preparation of all: naming your squad.
Well, we here at KSK are here to help. Time to bring back our now annual fantasy team naming guide. Tired of naming your team Magic Man And El Diablo, like you do every year? Well, fear not. Once again, we break it down by category.
-Mangy Little Pussyflaps
-Sexy Friday Flautas
-Chief Executive Boners
-A Bunch Ah Fackin’ Dahkies
-Nutz On Ya Chin
-Tiny Brained Wipers Of Other People’s Bottoms
-Not Your Fwiends, Guy
-Tell Me How My Ass Tastes
-Cock Swallowing Toilet Rapists
-Steaming Bags Of Pony Cunt
-Johnny Human Torches
-We Are The Third Revelation
-Bastards From A Basket
-Hey, That’s My Asshole!
-Hayden Panettiere Hymen Busters
-YOU. ARE. FAGS.
-Kellen Kolber’s 12 Dads
-Cooley’s Bag o Dicks
-Sean Taylor’s Thigh Hole
-Tedy Bruschi’s Skull Clot
-Kenny’s Suitcase Midgets
-The Fightin’ Cutlers
-Santonio’s Dong Rodeo
-Shawn Merriman: Office Rapist
-Brady’s Bunch O Cock
-The Worst Team Dan Snyder Can Buy
-Emmitt Smith’s Debaclers
-Matt Jones Toilet Rail
-Ken Stabler’s Ass Stapler
-Cedric’s Sun Chips
-$1000 Bounty on Daunte Culpepper
-Billy Belichick’s MILF-Hunters
-Todd Sauerbrun’s Gaping Vag
-Joe Simpson’s Daughter Touching Company
-Reggie Bush’s Tush Regiment
-Brett Favre’s Intercepted Texts
-Emmitt Smith’s Guide To Renuciation and Dicked-chin
-Matty Ice Bukkake Latte
-Jerramy Stevens’ Mickey Slippers
-Smirre If You Want Team Win
-McCain: Let’s Get Silly
-Tim Russert’s Humble Infarction
-God Damn Americans
-Hezbollahs Fist Bumps
-Angelina’s Adopted Children
-Michelle Obama, Whitey Receiver Coach
-Obama Been Fondlin’
-Heath Ledger’s Ambien Stash
-Holy Gay Bissingers
-Amy Winehouse Dead By Week 3
-Teddy Kennedy’s, Er Uh, Tumahs
No pun teams this year. You’re better than that!
Yours in the comments. Get ready for fantasy football, gang.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news & humor before everyone else.