Where In the World Is Brett Favre?
07.14.08
Oh my God! Did you hear the latest news? Brett Favre is MISSING!
Peter King knows something afoul is afoot because Bretty and his agent are no longer responding to the writer’s text-message inquiries. King has issued a full-scale Amber Alert, but those damn policemen don’t seem to be taking him seriously.
That leaves it to us civilians to find our beloved gunslinger. We can’t be sure where he is in the physical sense, but here’s a list of things that might be keeping him from returning King’s texts.
- Searching for the perfect pair of Isotoners
- Mowing his lawn down to the roots
- Celebrating Bastille Day with the rest of the Frenchies
- Rehab at the Hard Rock Hotel
- Actual Rehab
- Planning next season’s retirement party
- Sneaking his bust into Canton, just to see how it will look
- Hiding in Ted Thompson’s bushes waiting to pounce
- Posing near benches
- Fucking a block of cheese in the back of a VW Bug
- Actually underground (in a hole with “Fragile” Frankie Merman)
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He’s in DC- listen to the Junkies Podcast from this morning from 845- hotel clerk explains the checking in of Brett Favre
Brett Favre: “Cheese, Im going to fuck you in a very uncomflortable place.”
Cheese: “Like the back of a VW Bug?”
This circus is just like when the 49ers traded Montana to KC. I’ve been a fan of Favre for a long time, but I’m genuinely hoping that Rodgers has a HUGE season and takes the Pack to the Super Bowl… GB needs a Steve Young to reset everyone’s reality: Montana was GREAT, but like Farve his time had passed. Of course, it’s more than likely Rodgers will have one decent season followed by two bad ones, and the Pack will revert to it’s pre-Majkowski days, wallowing in a 10 year rut of one-season mediocre QBs.
Do it, Rockapella!
Damn…I understand he’s been located. Is it too late to record my husband’s response to this story?
“Obviously, stung by Drew’s controversial post, Brett is lying low until his stubble grows to a more respectable savior-like length, having the robe altered to fit over pads, and trying to find at least one lamb left in Mississippi who doesn’t run away when he approaches.”
From the article: “After the emotion of today and tomorrow, what about the next day? Are the Packers really serious about slapping Favre in the face and forcing him to back up a quarterback who’s never started an NFL game … or not play at all?”
Man, that is super fucking gay. That is gayer than a drag queen skipping over a crosswalk in San Francisco.
I usually don’t make fun of people for their feelings, because they’re like, feelings and all and you’re entitled to them, but I think PK should have to turn in his man card (assuming he still has one) after using the word “emotion” in a story about football that doesn’t involve somebody saying they’ve been raped or impregnated.
nice jazz hands, gunslinger
Favre Texted me this weekend asking if i could get him some pain killers cheap because he has already spent all his money on sacks of goat nutz.
That’s the last picture Peter King ever took as he was shoved (FINALLY!) over an embankment into one of Wiscaaaansin’s many lakes/ice fishing holes. Hopefully we’ll never hear from him again.
Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.
Ted “Theodore” Logan
@futuremrs: doo wop, da da da da doo wop….
He’s locked in his apartment watching the Buckner game on a loop mumbling about how Buckner got screwed because the pitcher didn’t cover first. With foil on the windows. And PK will shave his balls in the shower, even if he asks him to stop.
Greta is no Suzy.
Apparently, he’s been giving an interview to some ho named Greta Van Susteren.
PK must be pissed.
http://www.profootballtalk.com/2008/07/14/favre-to-speak-on-fox-news/
brett favre is in your base killing your d00ds
Pinned underneath his tractor on the back 40 of his Hattiesburg, Mississippi farm.
You’re getting close, shamus
…piggybacking off my previous comment, I’ll add:
- Attempting to steal something patently un-stealable like Mount Rushmore or the St. Louis Arch while a gang of bright-eyed underage gumshoes track him down via a series of geography-related trivia questions
I hate that I can’t read the title of this post without hearing Rockapella in my head.
Damn KSK, you tricked me into trying to read a Peter King column. No worry, Peter King’s “writing” foiled my attempt.
-still on a weekend long bender fueled by Copenhagen and pain killers.
In Aaron Rodgers’ trunk
at a Michelle Obama function, or at a Serena Williams gangbang,
http://www.collegefastbreak.com/
I believe that’s Brett Favre’s segment of the Beastie Boys’ “So Watcha Want” video, unfortunately left on the cutting room floor.
I was going to go with “That’s a photo of the rarely seen Zombie Brett Favre”, but yeah, Peter King rape jokes are good too.
Photo Caption:
Brett tricks Peter King into playing “Tune In, Tokyo”.
@Otto Man…
It’s amazing that you picked up on PK’s lopsided man-tit positioning.
Photo caption: Oh, hello Peter. Wait … what are you doing with that bottle of Lubriderm? AAARRRRGGHHH!!!
did anyone check peter king’s basement/favre shrine/rape dungeon?
That photo is from Peter King’s rape fantasies.
still think this needs a “fuck you brett favre” tag.
In the sauna with Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hat.
Club Wet in Appleton, WI
Sharing a beer with Hillary Clinton.
Wearing assless Wranglers.
…at home watching the Stooges in the Barcalounger with bean dip and beer stains dripping down the front of his ratty ol’ Super Bowl XXXII tee-shirt.
You forgot:
- Stalking Aaron Rodgers Guilloly-style
- At a strip club with Pacman Jones
- Hiding from Peter King