The Pass is Not Dead. It’s Not Even a Pass.
Principal Chris Bolen: Thank you all for coming. We’re here to honor the most famous alumus of Athens High School, a man who has given us much pride in calling ourselves Golden Eagles. Those who weren’t around when he was here know Philip Rivers had a, uh, a really nice career here at Athens High School. He’s been, well, he’s been a solid role model for our students, in that he’s been consistent in behavior, which is an important life lesson. Consistency.
…
Without further ado, let’s unveil our tribute to this really kinda okay fellow.
[Cloth removed from sign]
[Polite clapping]
Bolen: Now it’s just a shame that Philip couldn’t be here today. Left a nice letter from his agent saying he wouldn’t be “caught raped” in this town. Still, this can be an everlasting reminder of the power that comes from one’s…uhh…
[Car careens toward intersection, screeches to a stop and door flies open]
Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask somebodddddddaaaaaayyyyyyy!
WELLIE WELL WELL WELLINGTON
If it ain’t ol’ swollen Bolen.
How’s the dead wife? Still dead? Here’s a little decomposition secret: Those maggots have cuckolded you many times over, friend-o.
Mmm mmm. Looking a little more swole since I last saw ya. Clean Plate Club having a banner year, I see.
Bolen: [Heavy inhalation] Hello Phil. H-How do you like your sign?
Rivers: [Takes a bite of an apple, chews for a second and spits it on the ground]
Sucks.
Bolen: Sorry to hear that, Phil. It’s the best we could do with our modest athletic budget.
Rivers: How about I kick you in your modest testicle budget, you big swole sioux city slut! YOU COULD’VE NAMED THE FUCKING FIELD AFTER ME! COULDN’T YOU? HUH? FUCK YOU!
Voice: Now I know I didn’t teach you to use that language.
Rivers: Coach Haskins!
Haskins: Philip Laserface Rivers, how’d the well-mannered young man I coached from when he was knee-high to a bean sprout turn into such an ornery old cuss?
Rivers: Norv made me do it!
Haskins: Now we both know that isn’t true, Philip. When you left this school, you were still a man of character. I could still sense of trueness of spirit within. Now all I see is an empty husk of a man.
Was it the fame? The women? Drugs? Have there been drugs, Philip?
Rivers: I don’t know you’re cum-guzzling about, you old coot! Laserface has always been bad to the boner!
Haskins: I know you still recognize the goodness within you. You’re still the same kid who sobbed after he skinned his knee in 7th grade practice. You came to me after practice and told me you had enough. But you were just embarrassed of what the other kids thought of you. You were always that insecure kid. Remember him?
[Pulls out photo]
Rivers: Noooo! You can’t make me look at that!
Haskins: It’s just you as a child, son.
Rivers: NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Haskins: Can’t run from your past, boy. Not on those ACLs.
[Rivers runs off into the forest, leaving behind his still-running car]
Bolen: Well.
…
New team bus, everyone!
[Polite clapping]
July 9th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
When I left you I was the learner, now I AM THE MASTER
Only a master of evil Rivers… lightsabre duel ensues until Rivers gets blind sided by Mike Vrabel
July 9th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
Bra-vo on the title. So right.
WF
July 9th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
Can Spreadshirt manufacture “Marmalard Pass” street signs?
July 9th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
I, too, like to think of myself as being ‘bad to the boner’.
Well done.
July 9th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
I like that Rivers is still using “Friend-o”
July 9th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
holy crap. did anyone proof-read that thing before clicking ‘Publish’?
July 9th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
@ “car careers towards intersection”
Freudian?
July 9th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
Prologue: As Rivers was seen running away, he turned and tossed the half eaten apple at Haskins with all his might. It floated through the air for 11 seconds, gently coming to a rest 10 yards short of the crowd, barely bruising the apple as it landed and rolled to a stop.
July 9th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
Now, I’m sure you could have found a more obnoxious looking kid than that one… maybe even a kid with a bad lisp:
Ya betta attthhhhhhhk tttttttthhhhhhhhoooombodddaaaaaaayyyy!!!!!!
July 9th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
Fantastic…. I’d love to throw the guy a high five, but I can’t keep my arm up there that long
July 9th, 2008 at 9:33 pm
I didn’t hate Phillip Rivers before I started reading this blog. Now he’s sits very comfortably in my Top 5 - “Hope you get Hanta Virus” list.
July 9th, 2008 at 9:59 pm
“Can’t run from your past, boy. Not on those ACLs.”
OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH Ya betta ask somebodddddddaaaaaayyyyyyy!
July 10th, 2008 at 12:47 am
the most amazing thing is marmalard tips 25%.
July 10th, 2008 at 1:48 am
“How’s the dead wife? Still dead? Here’s a little decomposition secret: Those maggots have cuckolded you many times over, friend-o.”
Jeez Ape that’s just wrong. New tag.
July 10th, 2008 at 8:44 am
Did Florio approve this post when you texted it to him on your matching Sprint phone for his prepublication review? That maggots-fucking-your-dead-wife line won’t be well-received (or understood) in West Virginia.
July 10th, 2008 at 10:11 am
Clean Plate Club having a banner year, I see
I will be using that one very soon indeed.
July 10th, 2008 at 10:38 am
“YOU COULD’VE NAMED THE FUCKING FIELD AFTER ME! COULDN’T YOU? HUH? FUCK YOU!”
The Steelers beat them to it when they named the old Steelers stadium after Marmalard, and included his parents to honor them for having him.
The Rooneys didn’t have to make any inquiries.
July 10th, 2008 at 11:53 am
good timing for a mamalard return.
/was thinking “fucko” instead of “friend-o”
July 10th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
lazerface!!!!
June 20th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
I Love the way you write…thanks for posting