[Athens High School]

Principal Chris Bolen: Thank you all for coming. We’re here to honor the most famous alumus of Athens High School, a man who has given us much pride in calling ourselves Golden Eagles. Those who weren’t around when he was here know Philip Rivers had a, uh, a really nice career here at Athens High School. He’s been, well, he’s been a solid role model for our students, in that he’s been consistent in behavior, which is an important life lesson. Consistency.

Without further ado, let’s unveil our tribute to this really kinda okay fellow.

[Cloth removed from sign]

[Polite clapping]

Bolen: Now it’s just a shame that Philip couldn’t be here today. Left a nice letter from his agent saying he wouldn’t be “caught raped” in this town. Still, this can be an everlasting reminder of the power that comes from one’s…uhh…

[Car careens toward intersection, screeches to a stop and door flies open]

Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask somebodddddddaaaaaayyyyyyy!

WELLIE WELL WELL WELLINGTON

If it ain’t ol’ swollen Bolen.

How’s the dead wife? Still dead? Here’s a little decomposition secret: Those maggots have cuckolded you many times over, friend-o.

Mmm mmm. Looking a little more swole since I last saw ya. Clean Plate Club having a banner year, I see.

Bolen: [Heavy inhalation] Hello Phil. H-How do you like your sign?

Rivers: [Takes a bite of an apple, chews for a second and spits it on the ground]

Sucks.

Bolen: Sorry to hear that, Phil. It’s the best we could do with our modest athletic budget.

Rivers: How about I kick you in your modest testicle budget, you big swole sioux city slut! YOU COULD’VE NAMED THE FUCKING FIELD AFTER ME! COULDN’T YOU? HUH? FUCK YOU!

Voice: Now I know I didn’t teach you to use that language.

Rivers: Coach Haskins!

Haskins: Philip Laserface Rivers, how’d the well-mannered young man I coached from when he was knee-high to a bean sprout turn into such an ornery old cuss?

Rivers: Norv made me do it!

Haskins: Now we both know that isn’t true, Philip. When you left this school, you were still a man of character. I could still sense of trueness of spirit within. Now all I see is an empty husk of a man.

Was it the fame? The women? Drugs? Have there been drugs, Philip?

Rivers: I don’t know you’re cum-guzzling about, you old coot! Laserface has always been bad to the boner!

Haskins: I know you still recognize the goodness within you. You’re still the same kid who sobbed after he skinned his knee in 7th grade practice. You came to me after practice and told me you had enough. But you were just embarrassed of what the other kids thought of you. You were always that insecure kid. Remember him?

[Pulls out photo]

Rivers: Noooo! You can’t make me look at that!

Haskins: It’s just you as a child, son.

Rivers: NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Haskins: Can’t run from your past, boy. Not on those ACLs.

[Rivers runs off into the forest, leaving behind his still-running car]

Bolen: Well.

New team bus, everyone!

[Polite clapping]