Tale of the Tape: Mike Sellers vs. Brian Urlacher
Competitor (seed): Mike Sellers (5)
Nickname: Caveman/Tank
Height: 6′3″
Weight: 284
Reach: Expansive
Sponsor: Smoot Smack
Ring Music: Move Bitch
Birthplace: Frankfurt, Germany
Hometown: Walla Walla, Washington
Pedigree: Sellers was a multi-sport star in high school but he didn’t bother taking the SAT because he’s just that fucking awesome. His pro career began at the age of 19.
Strength: Intimidating scowl.
Weakness: Time spent in Canada might have made him overly friendly.
Predilection towards violence: He enjoys pummeling the occasional safety.
Fighting Style: Sellers is a warrior who can take punishment as well as he can dole it out. He isn’t afraid to trade shots, knowing that he’ll be the man standing when the bell rings.
Competitor (seed): Brian Urlacher (12)
Nickname: Grr-Lacher
Height: 6′4″
Weight: 254
Reach: Paris Hilton, Tara Reid (again)
Sponsor: Vitamin Water, Nike, McDonald’s, Domino’s, Sega, and Campbell’s. But appearing in commercials makes him uncomfortable. Obviously.
Ring Music: White People Music
Birthplace: Pasco, Washington. Pasco is also the birthplace of Chuck Palahniuk who knows plenty about white guys who like to fight and trashy guys who like to fuck whores.
Hometown: Lovington, New Mexico
Pedigree: Set various weight lifting records at the University of New Mexico. Also dabbled in pro wrestling.
Strength: Intensity
Weakness: Cohabitation
Predilection towards violence: Only the fake kind.
Fighting Style: Urlacher relies on his quickness rather than power. He can be described as a finesse fighter, but his jab packs some pop.
Tags: Sweet Science 16, The Champ Is Here, Unsilent Majority
July 9th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
I’m a Bears fan, but no way does Urlacher whip Sellers in the ring. This would be a blood-bath.
July 9th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
I say Sellers, the German, is more intimidating because he BELIEVES IN NUSSINK, LEBOWSKI!!!
July 9th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
This is a no-brainer. If Urlacher can withstand the petrii dish that is Paris Hilton, then nothing can ever bring him down.
July 9th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
I would have voted for Sellers but for the tattoo on his arm that I’m pretty sure reads “Datboy.” Fuck him.
July 9th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
But who has the hotter mom?
July 9th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Sellers woiuld be well on his way to a victory when the psycho chick on the right runs into the ring and causes a Judah-Mayweather-esque DQ, just to try and prove how much she loves Brian. Sellers wins.
July 9th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
I dunno, man… reach can mean everything in a fight. Plus, the sex cannon has been giving Urlacher lessons on improving his overhand right.
July 9th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
why can’t I just vote for everyone having a good time?
July 9th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
@devin hester’s speech coach: Ditto. I hate to vote against him, but Sellers would skullfuck Urlacher.
July 9th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Who smegled Sellers forearm? They’re going to get fucked up.
July 9th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
This isn’t Badminton. Sellers by a long shot.
July 9th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
Here is a local Chicago legend that is passed around:
Brian Urlacher apparently gets into a scuffle with MMA star Bas Rutten, known for videos such as these: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fWfxrPQG5U … Not knowing whom Rutten is, he attempts to use his NFL starpower to try and get Rutten to back down. Eventually, Urlacher’s friends all plead with him no to fight with Rutten, explaining to him what Bas Rutten does for a living. As a result, Urlacher comes to Rutten with tail between his legs and apologizes profusely for the earlier scuffle (which from hearing these two speak, couldn’t have been more than a shoulder bump on the way to the bathroom).
Hence, Urlacher is all front, and loses round one.
July 9th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
I have been to New mexico, there is nothing to do but get drunk and start fights… I lost to a god damn chicken with these fucking spurs on, little bastard almost pecked my eye out before my corner threw in the towel…
July 9th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Since I’m soon moving to Albuquerque, I gotta go with the Lobo. Whatever the fuck that is.
July 9th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
I’m glad your new moniker is working for you cumpidgeon
July 9th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
where do we get to vote on which clinton portis personality gets to be seller’s promoter?
July 9th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
I’m a Redskin fan but there is no way I could predict that Sellers could take Urlacher. Urlacher would mop the floor with him.
July 9th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Since I’m soon moving to Albuquerque, I gotta go with the Lobo. Whatever the fuck that is.
“Lobo! Lobo! Bring back ‘Sheriff Lobo’!”
July 9th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Joe Gibbs’ take on Sellers: “He’s a man I’ll tell you that”
I got Sellers
Handily.
July 9th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
I like the blonde on the left.
July 9th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Oh man… I just can’t ever get enough of that picture of Urlacher with the skank from “Rock of Love.” Has the American way of life ever been summed up so thoroughly, succinctly, and eloquently in one photograph?
Sadly, I agree that he wouldn’t stand a chance against Sellers. ER WIRD ZERSTOEREN!
July 9th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
I need to change my vote. Urlacher knocked up an ex-stripper dahkie who tried to extort Michael Flatley? What the fuck was he thinking?
July 9th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
The bitch with the crazy eyes would fuck them both up. Then carve her name into the canvas with her earring back.
July 9th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
I motion to forego this match-up and let Rock of Love/Illinois Miss Hooters 2002 Erin go at it versus Crazy Eyes.
July 9th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Winner gets to blow Bert Sugar.
July 9th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
fuck urlacher. nobody steps to el guapo – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fWfxrPQG5U
sellers wins easy. urlacher should have been matched up against shockey so at least one white guy/douchebag advances.
July 9th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
@shinons
Wow. Indiana to New Mexico. Does God have a reason to hate you that much?
/just kidding, congratulations?
July 9th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
xmas ape to place his vote via Sprint text message
July 9th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
@Naptown…
Hey, lay off New Mexico. Once you get over the fact that there are no major sports teams, a HIGH percentage of fugly women, worse drivers than L.A. and Tijuana combined, that 100 degree days with no humidity get interrupted by 10 minutes of rain–and it somehow remains 100 degrees with no humidity, that you’re a minimum of six hours from any major sports town–and it’s fucking DENVER, there’s no Jack in the Box in Albuquerque, there’s a fucking Wal-Mart every two miles, there’s no good movie theaters, and…
Uh, why the fuck did I come here again?
Oh yeah, cheaper gas, cheaper beer, Indian casinos everywhere, and my girlfriend is here. And everyone is fucking lazy as hell, which makes looking good at my job that much easier. Plus I got to sing the national anthem at an Isotopes game, which is nice.
I still miss In N Out Burger. Though the last time I ate it, I couldn’t remember why I missed it.
July 9th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Whoa, that chick on the right has probably the bat-shit craziest expression I’ve ever seen on a human face.
July 9th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Oh wow, I almost forgot about this tournament. How is this even a fight? Sellers would murder him.
July 9th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
that you’re a minimum of six hours from any major sports town–and it’s fucking DENVER
Yeah, several championships, lots of superstars, great beer, great weed, minutes from world-class hiking and skiing and rafting and fishing – boy, Denver sure does suck.
July 9th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Denver’s no Buffalo.
July 9th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Sellers with the KO. Urlacher is a pussy without the helmet and pads.
July 9th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
I see you sickos have all jumped ship to the Italian Spider-Man post.
July 9th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
@j4b: Is Kimbo a pussy without the helmet and pads?
July 9th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
The tits in Urlachers picture distracted me from the most shocking part: there’s now photographic proof (on the far left) that Marlo Stanfield CAN smile
July 9th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
“Pummeling” safeties is one thing (Michael Robinson wants to know why Sellars was unable to knock Dawkins out), but taking out a beast like Urlacher is another. He may be a skank-fucker who thinks he is entitled to play by a different set of rules from the rest of us, but that doesn’t mean he couldn’t and wouldn’t kick Sellars’ ass. Urlacher takes this one.
July 9th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
@phony gwynn – you made denver sound a lot like boston (exceptions being weed and outdoor activities), or how someone from boston would make boston sound.
July 9th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
No, Denver actually has minorities.
July 9th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
@ rexyback & ognihs –
Here’s the video of Bas Rutten talking about how he almost killed Urlacher.
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x11yde_bas-rutten-on-best-damn-sports-show_sport
(starts at around 3:30) Hilarious story.
July 9th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
@porky1
Maybe what I said came out wrong. What I was thinking was that Indy and NM were both shitty places to be. But it seems like you like your shitty place! And that’s cool because I kinda like my shitty place, too.
July 9th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
A place is just a place, Naps.
“Yeah, several championships, lots of superstars, great beer, great weed, minutes from world-class hiking and skiing and rafting and fishing – boy, Denver sure does suck.”
There’s nothing wrong with Denver as a whole. But as a sports town, I just find it a little bland. The Nuggets will never win anything meaningful in our lifetimes, Elway is long, long gone (and I personally hate Shanahan so much I find it hard to balance it with liking Jake Plummer and Jay Cutler,) the Rockies were like a one-hit wonder that only reached #2 on the Billboard charts to begin with, and hockey is about as relevant as a Ron Paul For President bumper sticker.
Still, the other stuff? A+ for fun, if youre an outdoorsy type…I’m not. I can get great beer anywhere and I don’t smoke weed no more…I’m sure my cousin’s shit from Humboldt tears ass on anything I could get out of Denver though…he was a fucking botany major for crissakes.
July 9th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
I’m just arbitrarily going to assume Rexyback’s story is true and pick Sellers to get Urlacher to quit on his stool after the first clean punch lands.
July 10th, 2008 at 1:56 am
[...] Suzy Kolber is assessing the tail of the tape between Skins’ own badass, Mike Sellers vs. Brian Urlacher of the Bears. We think Sellers is [...]
July 10th, 2008 at 11:49 am
@Rocco: I don’t believe we were talking about Kimbo Slice. Even though I’m not convinced he could beat a legit MMA fighter, he’d probably kill Urlacher and would probably beat Sellers in a straight up street brawl. That hit against that regular guy in Miami doesn’t prove he could play in the NFL either since if he had to, he’d probably get trucked by an O-lineman before he could even get his hands on the RB.
Dammit football season needs to come now.
July 10th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
@dick_gozinia
Bravo!
July 10th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Urlacher stood up to Paris Hilton’s crabs but Sellers wins this one hands down