Competitor (seed): Mike Sellers (5)

Nickname: Caveman/Tank

Height: 6’3″

Weight: 284

Reach: Expansive

Sponsor: Smoot Smack

Ring Music: Move Bitch

Birthplace: Frankfurt, Germany

Hometown: Walla Walla, Washington

Pedigree: Sellers was a multi-sport star in high school but he didn’t bother taking the SAT because he’s just that fucking awesome. His pro career began at the age of 19.

Strength: Intimidating scowl.

Weakness: Time spent in Canada might have made him overly friendly.

Predilection towards violence: He enjoys pummeling the occasional safety.

Fighting Style: Sellers is a warrior who can take punishment as well as he can dole it out. He isn’t afraid to trade shots, knowing that he’ll be the man standing when the bell rings.

Competitor (seed): Brian Urlacher (12)

Nickname: Grr-Lacher

Height: 6’4″

Weight: 254

Reach: Paris Hilton, Tara Reid (again)

Sponsor: Vitamin Water, Nike, McDonald’s, Domino’s, Sega, and Campbell’s. But appearing in commercials makes him uncomfortable. Obviously.

Ring Music: White People Music

Birthplace: Pasco, Washington. Pasco is also the birthplace of Chuck Palahniuk who knows plenty about white guys who like to fight and trashy guys who like to fuck whores.

Hometown: Lovington, New Mexico

Pedigree: Set various weight lifting records at the University of New Mexico. Also dabbled in pro wrestling.

Strength: Intensity

Weakness: Cohabitation

Predilection towards violence: Only the fake kind.

Fighting Style: Urlacher relies on his quickness rather than power. He can be described as a finesse fighter, but his jab packs some pop.