Tale of the Tape: Mario Williams vs. Osi Umenyioria
Competitor (seed): Mario Williams (8)
Nickname: Super
Height: 6′7″
Weight: 291
Reach: Lenny Pasquarelli still thinks so.
Sponsor: Hennessey Performance Engineering and Israel Military Industries.
Ring Music: I Luv Your Girl
Birthplace: Richlands, NC. Home to absolutely nobody.
Pedigree: None.
Strength: An explosive combination of speed, power, and Italian craftsmanship.
Weakness: Always trying to go too fast.
Predilection towards violence: Only towards targets, and they’re just begging for it.
Fighting Style: Mario likes to keep his opponent at a distance, lulling him to sleep before attacking with a flurry of clubbing shots.
Competitor (seed): Osi Umenyioria (9)
Nickname: The Mad Scatter
Height: 6′3″
Weight: 261
Reach: That time he thought he was ready for space-docking.
Sponsor: Flushable Wipes
Ring Music: Shit On You
Birthplace: London, England. Current boxers like Joe Calzaghe and David Haye share Osi’s city of birth as do retired champs like Lennox Lewis and Chris Eubank.
Pedigree: Gives him a nice firm bowel movement, unlike the Science Diet crap that gave him the runs all over Selita Ebanks.
Strength: Speed and aggression.
Weakness: Bitches.
Predilection towards violence: His fetishes, while troubling, are mostly harmless.
Fighting Style: Osi is a brawler who will take any opportunity to get up in that ass. He’s obviously not afraid to get a little dirty on the inside, but don’t sleep on his skills.
Tags: Sweet Science 16, The Champ Is Here, Unsilent Majority
July 1st, 2008 at 12:15 pm
As gross and entertaining as the Osi rumors are, I think it’s pretty fucking obvious that Mario Williams would absolutely own him.
July 1st, 2008 at 12:18 pm
williams. not just because there are too many giants in this field either.
July 1st, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Triumph the Insult Comic told me to vote for Osi.
July 1st, 2008 at 12:23 pm
“The Mad Scatter”
Fucking awesome, but Osi is going to get the shit knocked out of him.
/weak pun intended
July 1st, 2008 at 12:24 pm
my brother in law is named Mario so I’m voting for Williams
July 1st, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Also, not to be “that girl” (might be too late, now that I think about it), but WTF is this “click to read the rest…” shiznazzle?
/is terrified by change
July 1st, 2008 at 12:26 pm
I see a Cleveland Steamer in Mario’s future, Osi by TKO and an after fight “treat” for not so Super Mario….
July 1st, 2008 at 12:27 pm
I got Osi. I heard Mario is afraid of the dookie. That and I want to see more poop jokes in later rounds.
I agree with Futuremrs. What is this click to read? NO!
July 1st, 2008 at 12:31 pm
WTF is this “click to read the rest…” shiznazzle?
As a white man who’s also terrified by change — and yet, shockingly, not a Republican — I have to agree.
These here intertubes can handle the whole post. Don’t make me click through like it’s a Choose Your Own Adventure story.
July 1st, 2008 at 12:35 pm
oh bitch bitch bitch.
no idea where that jump came from, but i think we could use them on the longer posts that take up the entire page.
July 1st, 2008 at 12:35 pm
That and I want to see more poop jokes in later rounds.
Uh-oh.
July 1st, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Breaking up
July 1st, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Posts
July 1st, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Is A
July 1st, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Shitty Idea.
July 1st, 2008 at 12:48 pm
My screen already shows the button for Mario Williams as being filled in. Did I do that without noticing it, or is the fix in? Not that I object; I was going to vote for Mario anyway. I don’t see him letting Osi get close enough to shit on his chest.
Oh, and Len Pasquarelli is still a dick.
July 1st, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Damn it Otto, you have lupus!
July 1st, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Well played, Mitch.
July 1st, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Mario will beat Osi the way John McCain beats Cindy.
July 1st, 2008 at 1:12 pm
With a sturdy piece of bamboo?
July 1st, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Mario will distract Osi with a German Schizer video…
and then kick his ass.
July 1st, 2008 at 1:21 pm
That’s “Scheisse” video.
Hooray for putting my German degree to use!
July 1st, 2008 at 1:23 pm
I didn’t have time to use spellcheck.
on some level I’m glad I didn’t know how to spell that.
July 1st, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Mario will beat Osi the way John McCain beats Cindy.
He’s going to call Osi a cunt?
July 1st, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Jees, everyone’s throwing around the cunt-bomb
July 1st, 2008 at 1:48 pm
This was a surprisingly prescient match-up, given Osi’s recent running off at the mouth.
July 1st, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Who do I think will win, or who amuses me more? I think Mario wins, but Osi has far more disturbing fetishes. I voted for Osi.
July 1st, 2008 at 2:09 pm
My shits telling me this address already voted. Guess that means someone else in my building reads for this site and votes? or am i retarded, or some combination of both. Maybe don’t answer that.
July 1st, 2008 at 2:16 pm
@Pemulis: Maybe you shouldn’t use the word “shit” so casually when commenting on a post about Osi. When I first read that I thought you were going all Mr. Hanky on us.
July 1st, 2008 at 2:22 pm
if they fight to a draw… do we get to see who can pummel Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian the hardest for a tie breaker?
July 1st, 2008 at 2:24 pm
i realized that after i hit submit, but then the complexities of explaining myself put me in a state of paralysis. but by shit i meant internet explorer, not my poops. I would hope if my dump wanted to talk to me it would say something more interesting than telling me i already voted in an online poll.
July 1st, 2008 at 2:25 pm
do we get to see who can pummel Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian the hardest for a tie breaker?
In some Third World countries, Reggie Bush would long ago have been stoned to death for having sex with a venereal goat like Kardashian.
Sometimes, we really can learn things from other parts of the world.
July 1st, 2008 at 2:48 pm
If we are voting on this based on who we really think would win, Mario should win in a walk. Sadly, I’m betting poop jokes sway more than a few voters.
July 1st, 2008 at 3:11 pm
Osi’s hoes might distract Mario if they were leaning on a couple of Lambos, but that would just delay the inevitable ass kicking and public humilation as he does a Rikishi on Osi.
July 1st, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Where’s the votemeter? And why the hell are all my posts being delayed for 15 minutes? Is someone manually clearing all posts now?
July 1st, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Did you know that Poop is funny. All the time.
It is.
I vote Osi.
July 1st, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Also no one is giving Osi enough credit. He’s a slightly chubby egor type guy who not only landed a victoria secret model but actually convinced her to let him crap on her…that is game.
July 1st, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Jeff V, it’s not game when you’re paying $3K per poop.
July 1st, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Osi’s already started the shit talkin’
talkin’ is a link to a page on
this Web site.
July 1st, 2008 at 4:17 pm
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July 1st, 2008 at 9:19 pm
Williams would actually win a fight, but I’m guessing Umenyiora will win just so you guys can print that photo again.
I vote Williams.
July 2nd, 2008 at 10:42 am
I vote Osi ’cause I really really can’t get enough of the poop jokes. For pure entertainment, Mario can’t beat “The Mad Scatter” and “Flushable Wipes”
July 2nd, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Note to all men: you can stop getting Superman logo tattoos now. Damn.
I don’t care what his nickname is, a Superman tattoo is now the mark of the douchebag.
July 13th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Mario would’nt even fight him. He would make Osi his big bootied broad like the ones in Osi’s picture. Mario would sit himon his lap and finger him like a woman.
August 25th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
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