Competitor (seed): Mario Williams (8)

Nickname: Super

Height: 6’7″

Weight: 291

Reach: Lenny Pasquarelli still thinks so.

Sponsor: Hennessey Performance Engineering and Israel Military Industries.

Ring Music: I Luv Your Girl

Birthplace: Richlands, NC. Home to absolutely nobody.

Pedigree: None.

Strength: An explosive combination of speed, power, and Italian craftsmanship.

Weakness: Always trying to go too fast.

Predilection towards violence: Only towards targets, and they’re just begging for it.

Fighting Style: Mario likes to keep his opponent at a distance, lulling him to sleep before attacking with a flurry of clubbing shots.

Competitor (seed): Osi Umenyioria (9)

Nickname: The Mad Scatter

Height: 6’3″

Weight: 261

Reach: That time he thought he was ready for space-docking.

Sponsor: Flushable Wipes

Ring Music: Shit On You

Birthplace: London, England. Current boxers like Joe Calzaghe and David Haye share Osi’s city of birth as do retired champs like Lennox Lewis and Chris Eubank.

Pedigree: Gives him a nice firm bowel movement, unlike the Science Diet crap that gave him the runs all over Selita Ebanks.

Strength: Speed and aggression.

Weakness: Bitches.

Predilection towards violence: His fetishes, while troubling, are mostly harmless.

Fighting Style: Osi is a brawler who will take any opportunity to get up in that ass. He’s obviously not afraid to get a little dirty on the inside, but don’t sleep on his skills.

Sweet Science 16