[Anbar Province, Iraq]

(A CH-47 helicopter sets down on a sunburnt Army outpost. Several figures run through the dusty rotor wash before a security detail greets them. Among the visitors are Roger Goodell, Drew Brees, and Osi Umenyiora)

Sweet motherfucking Christ it’s hot in Iraq! Rogg didn’t say nothin’ ’bout how much our USO trip would suck. It’s hotter than training camp here! I swear the air in this country has gotta be like 80% farts.

Yo dude, how much they payin’ you to slang bullets in this bitch?

Private Jones: About $750 every two weeks, sir.

Osi: Get the fuck out. To live HERE?

Jones: Well, I get hazardous duty pay, and it’s tax free while I’m in a combat zone.

Osi: Bitch I get paid $750 to stay awake in a team meeting. You need a new agent.

Jones: …

Osi: Yo, you seem cool. Can I ask you something?

Jones: Yes, sir!

Osi: I ain’t seen a proper toilet since I got here. D’you just shit wherever you want?

Jones: No sir. Port-o-johns are on the north side of the camp.

Osi: Huh. What about on patrol? You don’t never just squeeze one out on one a’ them babushkas? Boy, I’d pull a Tillman to serve in a free-feces zone.

Jones: No sir, not unless it’s part of the mission.

Osi: Oh.

Jones: …

Osi: …

Jones: So what was winning the Super Bowl like? That must have been awesome!

Osi: Oh hey, I gotta take this call.

/puts cell phone to ear

Hello?

Jones: Mr. Umenyiora, this is Iraq. There’s no wireless service here.

Osi: Yeah, it’s great! We’re having a blast!

/walks away