So Where Do You Go to Take a Dump on Women Around Here?
[Anbar Province, Iraq]
(A CH-47 helicopter sets down on a sunburnt Army outpost. Several figures run through the dusty rotor wash before a security detail greets them. Among the visitors are Roger Goodell, Drew Brees, and Osi Umenyiora)
Sweet motherfucking Christ it’s hot in Iraq! Rogg didn’t say nothin’ ’bout how much our USO trip would suck. It’s hotter than training camp here! I swear the air in this country has gotta be like 80% farts.
Yo dude, how much they payin’ you to slang bullets in this bitch?
Private Jones: About $750 every two weeks, sir.
Osi: Get the fuck out. To live HERE?
Jones: Well, I get hazardous duty pay, and it’s tax free while I’m in a combat zone.
Osi: Bitch I get paid $750 to stay awake in a team meeting. You need a new agent.
Jones: …
Osi: Yo, you seem cool. Can I ask you something?
Jones: Yes, sir!
Osi: I ain’t seen a proper toilet since I got here. D’you just shit wherever you want?
Jones: No sir. Port-o-johns are on the north side of the camp.
Osi: Huh. What about on patrol? You don’t never just squeeze one out on one a’ them babushkas? Boy, I’d pull a Tillman to serve in a free-feces zone.
Jones: No sir, not unless it’s part of the mission.
Osi: Oh.
Jones: …
Osi: …
Jones: So what was winning the Super Bowl like? That must have been awesome!
Osi: Oh hey, I gotta take this call.
/puts cell phone to ear
Hello?
Jones: Mr. Umenyiora, this is Iraq. There’s no wireless service here.
Osi: Yeah, it’s great! We’re having a blast!
/walks away
Tags: captain caveman, holy osi, their USO tour won't even go to Iraq
July 10th, 2008 at 10:17 am
wow CC – you seem to know so much about Iraq – where did you get such detailed information?
July 10th, 2008 at 10:23 am
Osi’s into Motörhead?
July 10th, 2008 at 10:25 am
tillman joke.
not funny.
July 10th, 2008 at 10:28 am
WHY, A USO TOUR WITHOUT BOB HOPE IS HARDLY A USO TOUR AT ALL
/shakes wizened fist
NOW GET OFF MY LAWN
July 10th, 2008 at 10:30 am
Where is Osi’s gang of booty bitches… im disapointed, i didnt get to stare at some fat azz instead of working.
July 10th, 2008 at 10:41 am
tillman joke.
little bit funny.
July 10th, 2008 at 10:42 am
All Captain Caveman posts should start like this:
“[Anbar Province, Iraq]“
July 10th, 2008 at 10:43 am
“Bitch I get paid $750 to stay awake in a team meeting. You need a new agent.”
I can get paid to stay awake in meetings? All this time I’d stay awake in meetings for free. I do need a new agent.
July 10th, 2008 at 10:44 am
Private Jones vs. Private Ufford
WHO YA GOT?
July 10th, 2008 at 10:50 am
I need a new agent as well.
Also, it’s been 4 years since Pat Tillman got killed. I think we can make Tillman Jokes.
July 10th, 2008 at 10:53 am
That’s Captain Ufford, TF. I don’t work for a living.
Hey, Osi made the Tillman joke, not me.
July 10th, 2008 at 11:34 am
Good lord. I didn’t have to read too far into this to know who wrote it. One-trick pony.
July 10th, 2008 at 11:39 am
Maybe Osi should have cooled off with all that ice he’s got around his neck… I’m sure that would have made a good impression in the desert.
July 10th, 2008 at 11:48 am
Hey, Bob, take it easy on Captain Caveman. I like hearing about when he was in the Coast Guard!
July 10th, 2008 at 11:49 am
i have done the cell phone thing many times to avoid doing whatever the fuck i was avoiding.
July 10th, 2008 at 11:51 am
/after coffee
ok. comments withdrawn.
July 10th, 2008 at 11:51 am
where were brees and goddell during this exchange? it’s not like roger to leave a black player unsupervised.
July 10th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
brees was captured by islamic extremists where they tortured him for 12 hours by plucking hairs out of his mole
July 10th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Battered Toyota pickup drives up, out jumps Akbar Riversahl. Robe flies open, revealing suicide bombing vest. Riversahl yells, “You’d better make an entreaty to Allah, whom you’ll soon be meeting!” Detonates bomb on vest. Shrapnel flutters through the air, but all pieces land several feet short of intended targets.
July 10th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Is 582-3111 Osi’s cellie?
July 10th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Good lord. I didn’t have to read too far into this to know who wrote it.
Congratulations, asshole. Guess you can get back to work at the detective factory now.
July 10th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Tdub,
Straight from Peter King himself!
July 10th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
@ Monkey Business Says:
Also, it’s been 4 years since Pat Tillman got killed. I think we can make Tillman Jokes
Really? That’s a damn shame.
/sighs
July 10th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
WTF is up with that giant cross? Is he a vampire slayer in the off season? Or does it just have razor-sharp edges, in case he ever has to cut a bitch?
The Tillman joke wasn’t really a joke. So no harm, no foul.
July 10th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
Ya’ll take it easy on Uff – he was quoted in an article today! Let him blow off some excitement.
July 10th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
That’s really a picture of Ufford, isn’t it?
July 10th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
point of order: honorably discharged combat veterans get to make jokes about honorably interred combat casualties. both the living and the dead would have it no other way. those who haven’t worn the uniform don’t 1) understand, or 2) get to open their fucking pie-holes.
here endeth the lesson.
/no, thanks. i’ll show myself out.
July 10th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
Is anyone else unsure of what to make of the slightly pregnant girl’s picture at the bottom of this Uproxx page?
July 11th, 2008 at 8:15 am
Bitch I get paid $750 to stay awake in a team meeting. You need a new agent.
Hilarious.
Tillman?
jujrok: Aye Aye, Sir. The barracks queen that got him, though, is fair game for all.