Secret Stadia Conduct Codes Revealed
The Chiefs drew the ire of the part of the football world that can still pay attention this time of the year when they announced they were banning fans from standing during games, even though their fat does that for them. The motive is unknown, presumably standing enables fans to properly gauge the fucktasticality of the home team.
Hoping to counteract the ignominy heaped on the Chiefs (more so), an enterprising journo from the KC Star scanned fan conduct codes around the league and found that the Steelers remove fans for “displays of affection not appropriate in a public setting,” which seems downright humanitarian in Pittsburgh.
Naturally, we had to come up with some more.
The Bengals have prohibited criminal defense attorneys in attendance from throwing their business cards in the direction of the sidelines.
Groundskeepers barred from entering Heinz Field.
The Oakland Raiders have banned pikes and garrottes from the Black Hole. Blunt instruments are still acceptable.
Georgia Dome: No dogs.
Viking fans are now banned from making any noise, so as not to distract from the piped-in noise.
The Eagles have ban against any fan behavior deemed “overtly civil”. Also, no batteries smaller than Double-A.
Gillette Stadium:
-Patriot fans must check all hoods and robes at Gate B.
-No daaaahkies
-No YANKEES FAGGOTS
-Hate crimes punishable by three-minute time out.
The Jets have a ban prohibiting attractive women from baring their breasts. Only the homely may do as such.
Panther fans MUST bring their own spittoons.
If you don’t eat at least two servings of poutines at a Bills game, they’ll polite ask you to do it again.
Packers fans under 3 bills must double up in their seats to accommodate the fatties.
Qwest Field:
-No original cheering themes
-No cumming on Maurice Morris’ hair
-No smiling
-No walking around without an iPod
-No sunshine
-No walking around without a messenger bag or mood journal
Dolphins fans are required to quit being old and Jewish.
Chargers fans are required to commit to a Hispanic street gang before halftime.
Ford Field:
-No FIRE MIllen signs
-No FIRE Marinelli signs
-No fire drill for the PAT team
-No fires
-No fire extinguishers
-No fire exits
-No Firestone tires
The men’s bathrooms at Monster Park are for gay sex acts ONLY.
Jaguar fans are officially banned from giving a shit.
The Superdome:
-No sober people
-No shoes, please
-No raping in the upper deck before 10PM
-No waiting for the President to show up
No more Cardinal fans are allowed to write for that fucking New York Magazine.
Broncos fans must bring own barrel.
Rams fans are prohibited from leaving the game early in order to get on the road well in advance of Leonard Little.
Colts fans are banned from wearing any garment that is not considered official apparel of the NFL.
Ticket takers at Texans’ stadium required to ask “You sure you at the right place?”
Tennessee: No. Receivers. Allowed. On. Premises.
Saints fans only admitted if they have a California driver’s license.
M&T Bank Stadium:
-Heads and appendages must be sorted into proper receptacles
-Minimum two crack rocks per hot dog purchased. Three per hot dog stolen.
-Women’s hair at least two feet high
Texas Stadium:
-No Democrats
-No badmouthing oil companies
-No surgically-untouched faces or breasts
-No humility
Los Angeles pro football fans are hereby ordered to exist.
Bills fans are prohibited from crossing the border with any deux deux deuxs.
Tags: ksk group posts
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July 7th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
What? Pountines? Deux duex duexs?
July 7th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Soldier Field: Sober fans need not apply
July 7th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Colts fans are banned from wearing any garment that is not considered official apparel of the NFL.
Sadly all my the garments that I wear to the games are all officially licensed NFL apparel. Except my jeans. Maybe I should by some Zubaz!
/Yes even the boxers are licensed…
July 7th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
Lambeau Field:
- No taunting of fans during feeding time
- All concessions purchased now come with a referral to a heart surgeon and obesity specialist
- Emergency gravy-injection booths must be placed in every section
July 7th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
Georgia Dome:
All 45 minutes of pre-game music must feature rap artists, if it doesn’t – you’re a racist
White people are permitted to wear Jersey’s of only Keith Brooking or Steve Barkowski.
When approaching a black person wearing a #7 jersey, white people are required to look down at the floor and move by a quickly as possible. Barking will be considered racism.
July 7th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
Naturally, gays were banned from the RCA Dome, but the rules for Lucas Oil Stadium are still in negotiations since the sponsor is a major producer of lubricant.
/has a Colts shirt that isn’t officially licensed, but also has officially licensed Colts undies, so it’s a wash
July 7th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Tennessee: No shirts allowed.
(Rule recently broadened to include male participants in the actual game)
July 7th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Recently revoked from Soldier Field: Player’s mothers are not allowed to sneak in 130 proof Jungle Juice concealed in a bag of Sun Chips.
July 7th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
Dolphin Stadium:
Only fans of the Jets, Giants, Patriots, Bills, Bears, Yankees, Mets, Red Sox and Cubs allowed.
Hell – those are the only people who attend anyway.
July 7th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
Arrowhead has forbidden entry to anything/one made/born past 1985. That’s when bbq was perfected, and once the pinnacle has been reached, no need to improve, right? Now sit down or I’ll text tattle on you.
July 7th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
Soldier Field: All entering fans must make a minimum of one comment about how architecturally atrocious the stadium is.
July 7th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
M&T Bank Stadium (Baltimore):
Felon Appreciation Day – 1/2 off admission upon presentation of note signed by the warden. (Note: Must be wearing Ray Lewis jersey. Throwbacks of Jamal Lewis jersey also accepted.)
July 7th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
candlestick (aka monster park to the rest of the world) has the only bathrooms in which gay sex would never take place. worst. stadium. in the US.
July 7th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
Soldier Field, Gillete Stadium, Lambeau Field and Ralph Wilson Stadium: A minimum of 10 fat and drunk fans must be shirtless at all times when the temperature drops to 30 degrees or less. Security may ask you to remove your shirt if this number is not kept constant.
FedEx Field: You must surrender any weapons, paraphenalia, wallet, W-2, pension or second-born child in order to qualify for the PSLs for the nosebleeds. Don’t ask what it costs for a good seat.
Invesco Field: Anyone commenting on owner’s awesome boots is subject to an asswhuppin’! YEE HAW!.
McAfee Coliseum: No dropping off of Javon Walker at the front gate.
Georgia Dome: “Who Let the Dogs Out?” banned forever.
Reliant Stadium: You must bring in 10 people with you for every 1 ticket sold.
July 7th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
Oh man. You forgot the SALIENT rule at Gillette, which is thus: One (1) article of Red Sox clothing per attendee, MINIMUM.
July 7th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
Seattle-no polar fleece? Instant deportation to Oregon. Doesn’t matter where, Oregon’s just an abberation of the West Coast.
July 7th, 2008 at 6:26 pm
Where can I buy officially licensed NFL jeans, shoes, socks, undershirts, etc.? The jersey I have.
And seriously, you couldn’t come up with something better than “All Colts fans must wear officially licensed apparel”?
And nothing for the Redskins? Really?
July 7th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
The Bengals have prohibited criminal defense attorneys in attendance from throwing their business cards in the direction of the sidelines.
I thought that’s how they got the pregame confetti.
No more Cardinal fans are allowed to write for that fucking New York Magazine.
There are more than just the one fan? Really?
July 7th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
@Monkey Business
maybe if you send these guys some money they’ll dedicate entire posts to subjects in accordance to your exclusive interest?
July 7th, 2008 at 7:08 pm
What? No Bucs rules?
July 7th, 2008 at 7:08 pm
Arrowhead has forbidden entry to anything/one made/born past 1985.
No one under the age of 23? Actually, uh, that’d be fine by me. Without the snot-nosed kids, I could let the profanity fly louder than Kramer at the adults-only dentist, and the lack of late teens and early twenties would mean quicker movement at the beer line.
Plus, you don’t really find a fully realized mullet on anyone younger than that. Come on, people, we don’t call it Camarohead for nothing.
July 7th, 2008 at 7:13 pm
Qwest
- One member of each row is required to order garlic fries at some point to make everyone around him/her stop paying attention to the game and look around and exclaim “OMG! I smell garlic fries! on nom nom nom!”
- Locals are not allowed to purchase ponchos during ‘rainy’ games. Only tourists bring their umbrellas and need to stay dry. Must show proof of residence when purchasing items.
- All urinals and toilets have been repainted with Howard Schultz or Clay Bennets faces so all Seattle-ites may piss, shit, or vomit all over each of them.
July 7th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
What? No Bucs rules?
The Gay Mafia like a challenge. That would’ve been child’s play.
July 7th, 2008 at 7:42 pm
I thought the only rule for fans attending Bucs games was that they look at least as gay as Raymond James Stadium?
July 7th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
At Colts games, while wearing your official attire, you must remember that all interceptions are caused by the receiver running the wrong route.
July 7th, 2008 at 8:43 pm
inspired by new technology at airports, men attending the cleveland browns stadium must get puffs of air blown on them by brady quinn, to test for bomb, drug, and anal lube residue.
July 7th, 2008 at 9:16 pm
Lincoln Financial Field: Must hate T.O. for racially fueled reasons
No, not really everyone does but this was all a front to make sure you guys get on this story about Tony Gonzalez
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080707/ap_on_sp_fo_ne/fbn_chiefs_gonzalez_rescue
July 7th, 2008 at 11:09 pm
Bucs — Please confine butt sex to the big gay pirate ship in the middle of the stadium.
July 7th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
Dude, I’d eat two poutines and two on top of those
Also, Qwest Field sounds like a pretty inviting place for Emo Eagles
July 8th, 2008 at 12:45 am
Each of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterbacks may invite only two family members per game at Raymond James Stadium. There’s only 66,000 seats.
July 8th, 2008 at 12:45 am
Don’t get it twisted, I’m a Sea-chickens fan all the way, and there’s no place louder than Qwest field, but every stereotype about Seattle is so true.
July 8th, 2008 at 12:57 am
-”Panther fans MUST bring their own spittoons.”-
Man I was hoping for something better… like maybe:
Panthers fans (or corporate attendees to Bank Of America stadium) are required to be mildly entertained, but not care too much about the outcome of the game. The important thing is to blame ‘Jake’ whenever anything goes wrong and avoid too much traffic by leaving in the third quarter.
Maybe you should take a trip down to Charlotte sometime and learn how to poke better fun at us. We’ve got great fried chicken, beautiful southern belles, and sometimes we’ll even ‘hang a dip’, but it’s executive south here now in bank town.
July 8th, 2008 at 6:24 am
M&T Bank Stadium – The big box of guns by the entrances are for fans who have come without weaponry. Anybody found already in possession of guns and still taking them will be shot, shanked and shot again.
July 8th, 2008 at 8:02 am
@New South NB –
Executive South? So, is that like a slicked back mullet? Cutoff jeans and a jacket?
For the record, I’ve spent a great deal of time in the South, seeing as my father lives in Alabama. The fried chicken is okay, but I’ve had better in Chicago (Harold’s Chicken Shack FTW!), the southern belles are all hiding somewhere, because the only ones I saw weighed like 300 pounds and were missing most of their teeth, and I don’t even know what “hanging a dip” is.
Actually, Chicago is a lot like the south, minus the guns, religion, and overt racism.
July 8th, 2008 at 8:52 am
Jets current and future stadiums
There must be at least 4 drunken fistfights at any point in time during the game, so as to distract the attention of everyone from the shitty game the Jets are playing. Failure to do so will result in having to watch the Jets.
Also, all references to Pennington’s arm strength and any female is cause for immediate removal. It’s old. His arm is weak. He’s on your team. Get over it.
July 8th, 2008 at 9:52 am
Why no love for FEDEX field?
July 8th, 2008 at 10:49 am
Colts fans are prohibited from interfering with the artifical crowd noise pumped in during the games, under penalty of being pistol-whipped by Marvin Harrison.
July 8th, 2008 at 11:09 am
Pittsburgh Steelers fans are required to remove the corpes of black men being dragged from the back of their pickup trucks prior to entering Heinz Field parking lots.
July 8th, 2008 at 11:38 am
Texas Stadium – Fans who do not buy at least one piece of merchandise from the Double-J’s club shops will be shot. Survivors will be shot again.
Yeee Hawwwww he is fuckin’ crazy.
/for the cute southern belles you must go to the college campuses and stop hanging out in front of the meth houses. UVA FTW!
July 8th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
Soldier Field:
No one admitted with cholesterol levels under 300 and/or Cheez Whiz bottle hooked up to an IV.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Actually, we get around the fattie population problem at Lambeau by having bleachers instead of seats. There you only have problems if you have an aisle position, in which case you sit on cement staircase…