Peter King Wants You To Make His Column Even Longer And More Pointless
People! Peter King needs your help! His MMQB column has long been a repository for softball stories, chronicles of his visits to the enema farm, very long journals of his summer vacation (he really did that this week), and, if there’s any room left, maybe a smidgeon of football insight. Just a bit. Not too much. That would be overkill.
But King doesn’t want to stop there! He wants you to help him think up new items for his column, so that they can be spread across even MORE pages on the si.com website!
I Need Your Help
In the mortal words of Mike Greenberg, “We’re back and better than ever.” (At least that’s what Greenie says at the start of his morning ESPN Radio show every day.) And as another season of MMQB dawns, I’m stealing the line and asking for you to help me mean it.
I want to be back and better than ever. I want you to help me find two or three new column staples to add to my weekly lineup of travel notes, stats, quotes, Fine Fifteens, players of the week, factoids that mean something to me, and coffee shots.
Well, we at KSK couldn’t resist such an invitation. Peter, we think you need to add these features RIGHT FUCKING NOW!
Ask My Brother Biff
Who Ass Am I Smoochin’ This Week?
Current GPS Location Of My Daughter
Another Wonderful Thing About Colgate!
Thing I Swallowed Whole
Stop Me Before I Mingle Again!
My Pity Blowjob Of The Week
Things In Brett Favre’s Garbage
Unexpected Thing I Found In My Stool
Another Brilliant Insight From Tiki Barber
Miscellaneous Douchebaggery
Starbucks-Approved Liberal Viewpoint Of The Week
Movie I Saw Recently That You Saw Seven Years Ago
Gratuitous Praise For “House”
What Is Wrong With People Who Aren’t Me?
Another Reason Why I Love Sugarless Gum
Thing I Got To Do That You Are Too Poor To Do
Hysterical Thing Frank Caliendo Did
This Week’s Opinion I Formed After Reading Newsweek
Edgy U2 Song I Like!
Safe Word Of The Day
Thing I Saw That I Couldn’t Believe
Uninformed Baseball Opinion
Yours in the comments. Help Peter King, everyone!
Tags: HE HAS SOURCES, ksks group posts, peter king, such insight
July 14th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
I got one.
Things and Facts About Football.
I know, I know, that’s crazy talk.
July 14th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Things In Brett Favre’s Garbage
Unexpected Things I Found In My Stool
I assume these are paired in a before-and-after combination, right?
July 14th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
Pretty faces, smelly places, Candace Parker’s relationship with Shelden Williams
http://www.collegefastbreak.com/bj-mullens-hype-machine-warm-and-ready/
July 14th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Paper v. Plastic – and other classic timewasters…
July 14th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Words That Rhyme with “Corey”
July 14th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Pleats: I don’t know why they’re there, but they sure are great!
July 14th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
The “Last Time I Saw My Dick Without Using A Mirror” Counter.
July 14th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
What Tony Romo smiled at this week!
July 14th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
I was going to make a circumcision joke about a “long, pointless column” but then I remembered we were talking about Peter King, and from then on I couldn’t think well over the sounds of my own screams.
July 14th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
Easterbrook still thinks his is longer…
July 14th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
shit fat people love to eat.
actually, that’s not bad…..
July 14th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Weekly Reason Why Montclair, NJ Is A Nice Place To Raise A Family, Even Though I Live In The Snobby Section Known As “Upper Montclair”, And I Never Visit The “Lower” Part Of Town Where All The “Black” People Live, And Which Recently Saw Two Horrific Crimes That Garnered National Media Attention, Proving That, Once Again, I’m An Insulated Over The Hill Douchebag And Have No Idea What The Fuck I’m Talking About.
July 14th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
What we had catered at the Football Night in America set. Actually that might be kinda decent read.
July 14th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Delerious Ramblings Caused By A Gravy-Induced Stroke.
July 14th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
Great Moments in Jewish American Football History.
July 14th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Things That I Thought About While Thinking About What Brett Was Thinking About While Reading My Things That I Think I Think.
July 14th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Date of Last Intercourse (With a Human…that was alive)
July 14th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
the fuck is a coffee shot?
July 14th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
No, I didn’t play Norm on “Cheers”. You’re thinking of George Wendt.
July 14th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
“factoids that mean something to me, and cum shots to my face.”
/fixed
July 14th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
A weekly column of reader suggestions of what PK can fit into his rectum without having to dial 911.
That’s after he pulls his own head out first, of course.
July 14th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
favorite emmitt smith “colloquialism” of the day
July 14th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Aggravating/Enjoyable Music Listening Note of the Week
-I liked Norah Jones a lot more before I knew here dad was Ravi Shankar. The Beatles were a perfectly good band before they met that troublemaker. Don’t they worship cows in India? (More thoughts on that later in my other new feature “Cultural Differences That Confuse and/or Scare me”) I guess I really like burgers so I guess he can’t be all THAT bad.
July 14th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
This Week in Tony Romo’s Flaxen Pubic Hair
Things Tom Brady Told Me In the Steam Room: (This Week: Open your throat. Next Week: Put two fingers in my ass.)
July 14th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
“new analysts that should be added to the football night in america cast”
July 14th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
YOU CAN’T WRITE ABOUT JESUS LIKE THIS! YOU’RE GOING TO HELL!
July 14th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
“The Wacky Outrageousness of Family Guy”
Apparently PK just found out about Stewie and crew months ago, showing that he is right up there with Joe Paterno (and his recent discovery of MASH) in terms of cultural relevancy and awareness.
July 14th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Dahkies I have met….and not had to hand over my wallet.
July 14th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
LINNER: A New Meal Between Lunch and Dinner?
July 14th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Who’s sperm is in my flatus?
July 14th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Co-Workers Wives I Would Bone – and yes, the Flaming Redhead’s carpet not only matches the drapes – but it starts around her navel ring.
July 14th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
@Maj – You almost had it, but then you went and used the correct form of “you’re.”
July 14th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Goofus and Gallant
/worked for Highlights, why not SI
July 14th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Valtrex, Xanax, and Plavix along with all the other lifestyle medications I pop from my Brett Favre Pez Dispenser.
July 14th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
In the mortal words of Mike Greenberg, “We’re back and better than ever.” (At least that’s what Greenie says at the start of his morning ESPN Radio show every day.) And as another season of MMQB dawns, I’m stealing the line and asking for you to help me mean it.
Are you fucking serious? The fact that this fuckface gets paid to write makes me want to give myself a lobotomy.
July 14th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
@ Trailer Trash – could you recommend a proper wine to go with said Redhead?
As for PK, here’s my 2-3 ideas:
- How smug are Bob Costas and Keith Olbermann?
- TV shows from this decade that I haven’t seen yet
- Dahkies that have boned my daughters
July 14th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Paul Reiser- The Future of Comedy
July 14th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
Meats of the Week – Week 1: Prosciutto
Leave it to the Italians to make dried ham taste good.
Next week: Turkey
July 14th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Cheeky Football Related Limericks
What I’ve Smelled This Week
Wacky Airplane Humor
What I’m Masturbating To This Week
Oh, crap. That last one’s for bloggers only…
July 14th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Have you seen this show called “Lost”? I can’t wait to find out what’s in that weird hatch!
July 14th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
stalking brett favre’s whoredog wife. that slut never deserved you brett. you’re too good for her!
July 14th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
@ Otto Man: Couldn’t those two just be combined into “Unexpected things I found in Brett Favre’s stool?” Y’know…for brevity’s sake?
July 14th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
hank-it was cheers.
he found out about mash in the lower 90’s, i believe. and the shotgun formation in 2002.
July 14th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Things I talk about guys on tv doing that I can’t do because I’m unathletic. Week 1-touch toes. Week 2-Flip Coin. Week 3-Kick Ball, run 70 yards….
July 14th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
“NFL head coaches that need to stay away from my daughter”
This week: Mike Tomlin
Next week: Lovie Smith
“People I saw on the train this week that are inferior to me”
“Reasons why I must stay at least 100 feet from Tony Romo”
July 14th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
-Sports-related websites with writers better than PK.
-Words overheard in The Wire that have no meaning to PK.
-Tally of times PK cried himself to sleep this year.
July 14th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
- Boogers I think I picked this week
- Aggravating/Enjoyable bowel movement
- Melanomas I’ve known and loved
July 14th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
What’s in my pockets?
That time I dusted all my furniture.
My five favourite legumes and why.
July 14th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
White Quarterbacks Who Just Love To Play The Game
July 14th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
-Ten Things I Think I Found in the Manning Family’s Trash This Week
-Stuff That Costs More Than It Did a Few Years Ago and My Reaction When I Buy Them
-Things That Phil Simms Can Cure with Green Tea
-Which Branch Of Starbucks Gives the Best Handjobs, and Why
July 14th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Words only hipster cognescetti columnists like me know and use:
First, “endgame”
Second, “gravitas”
Third, “extra sausage gravy”
July 14th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
- 10 Football Related Things I Heard This Week from a Woman Who Doesn’t Know Shit About Football, but Obviously Knows Way More than Me.
- Enjoyable/Aggrevating Ways to Make Contact with Another Man Under the Bathroom Stall for Annonymous Gay Sex while Traveling to Every Rest Stop on the NJ Turnpike while Having Total Deniability that You Were Trying to Make Contact with Another Man Under the Bathroom Stall for Annonymous Gay Sex while Traveling to Every Rest Stop on the NJ Turnpike (aka, Me, Bob Costas and the Glory Hole)
July 14th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
- Last week’s food I found lodged in my teeth
- Why are public bathroom stalls so small?
- Songs I sang while traveling along the PA Turnpike
- Weekly conversations with Al Davis
July 14th, 2008 at 5:35 pm
- Weekly conversations with Al Davis
I have to say, I’m stunned that the rambling Larry King-style insanity of Al Davis hasn’t emerged as a regular character here.
I suspect that Flubby’s veto vote on the KSK Security Council is standing in the way.
July 14th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
Wait a minute, weren’t Peter King, Chris Berman and Big Daddy Drew supposed to have a pie-eating contest?
July 14th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
Hair products that are surprisingly tasty.
Interesting shapes I have shaved in my pubic hair.
The wide variety of smoothies made from lard.
July 14th, 2008 at 7:54 pm
I Suck At Fantasy Football, And Other Reasons Why People Should Stop Trusting My Football Acumen
Which Coffee at Starbucks Taste Best Mixed With Favraro’s Semen
July 14th, 2008 at 11:23 pm
things i said to the radio this morning
reasons why they shouldn’t call it “pancake” makeup
ways i would hatefuck len pasquarelli
July 14th, 2008 at 11:44 pm
Kids these days!
July 15th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
My Weekly Rant On Overreacting To Something A Darkie Did This Week While Excusing A White Player For Doing The Exact Same Thing.
oh wait…..that’s already in the column. how about:
Different Odors I Have Noticed On Black People
July 15th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Overrated Black Coaches
July 16th, 2008 at 9:07 am
Other uses for egg nog
August 11th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
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