Peter King Needs A Latte
STARBUCKS
WASHINGTON SHOE BUILDING, SEATTLE.
Peter King: Thanks again for meeting me out here, Matt. This has been a terrific interview so far.
Matt Hasselbeck: I’ve enjoyed it, too, Peter.
Peter King: This is a great Starbucks. I hope this isn’t one of the hundreds they close down.
Matt Hasselbeck: Who knows. But I think you need to take it easy on the coffee.
Peter King: Nonsense, I’ve only had six or seven since we’ve been here.
Matt Hasselbeck: If you say so, Mister Starbucks.
Peter King: Ha! Oh Matt, you always make me laugh. You don’t have to go anytime soon, do you?
Matt Hasselbeck: Well, Peter, this is the only thing I had scheduled today. Maybe after this, I can show you some of the Forty Niners game film I’ve been studying at my place.
Peter King: That–that would be great, Matt.
Matt Hasselbeck: Hey, Peter?
Peter King: Yes, Matt? Yes?
Matt Hasselbeck: Peter, do you have a brother?
Peter King: Do I have a…Aw, shit…
BIFF KING: Howdy doo, fuckshovel. Your lady told me you were at the doctor’s office. Guess you finally decided to get treatment for your pussy allergy.
Peter King: I told her to say that so you would leave me alone.
BIFF KING: Righto, Stevie. You do know how much Super Biff hates the doctor, Stevie. If a man in a white coat is gonna be stickin’ stuff in my ass, it’s gonna be John Travolta.
Matt Hasselbeck: We haven’t met. I’m Matt Hasselbeck, how are you?
BIFF KING: You look like a hairy Raul Julia to me. Man, I loved that guy in Kojak. Good to meet you, Matt. Watch out for this little sissy. He’s a real butthole bucaneer if you know what I’m saying.
Matt Hasselbeck: I know what you’re saying.
BIFF KING: I’m saying he likes to rape male ass.
Matt Hasselbeck: Yeah, I caught that. Thanks.
Peter King: GET OUT OF HERE!
[Barista walks up] Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to step away from Mr. King.
BIFF KING: And I’m gonna have to ask you to pick a gender, homo. We have to make tough decisions in this world. You didn’t see me waffling in front of the district court judge ten years ago. Make a decision, homo boy.
Peter King: Weren’t you in jail for having passports in your name from six different countries?
BIFF KING: No, sir. You underestimate the power of El Segundo. I pled all the way down to child endangerment. And for your information, Stevie, Yugoslavia’s not a country anymore.
Matt Hasselbeck: Hey, where’d you get that stupid feather earring?
BIFF KING: Oh, this? Oh, it’s just something I plucked off your mom’s ass. Right after I shot her out of the sky. I can understand you being unfamiliar with the coverings of animals, seeing as you’re a raging bald homosexual from the former Yugoslavia.
Matt Hasselbeck: You better be careful, buddy.
BIFF KING: Hey, Stevie, that reminds me. You remember that time when you were eight and you tried to iron out the wrinkles in your ballsack with an iron? Oh, man. That’s still my favorite ambulance ride ever.
Peter King: God damn you.
BIFF KING: And we’re walking out of the hospital, and the nurse is like, “Be more careful in the future.” What did she think? He was gonna try to iron his balls again?
Matt Hasselbeck: Peter, I think I’ve gotta leave. I forgot about a meeting with my agent today.
Peter King: Oh, Matt! No!
Matt Hasselbeck: Sorry Peter. I’ll be in touch.
[Matt leaves]
BIFF KING: Wow. Now I know what it feels like when a dog comes over and–
Peter King: Go away! Go the fuck away and don’t ever speak to me ever again! Don’t find me, don’t look me up, DON’T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME EVER! AND FOR PETE’S SAKE, STOP CALLING ME STEVIE!!!!
BIFF KING: For Pete’s sake? Who’s Pete?
Tags: BIFF KING, Matt Hasselbeck, MMP
July 22nd, 2008 at 12:07 pm
The funniest part of this?
Matt Hasselbeck telling someone, ‘You better be careful, buddy.’
July 22nd, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Shoulda had Hasselback’s brother appear with Peter King’s brother… a pair of sad sacked mother comparisons for all brother’s to fume about. He coulda even brought his moronic wife, unless she was too busy crying and argueing with oprah over the n-word.
July 22nd, 2008 at 12:14 pm
You had me at fuckshovel
July 22nd, 2008 at 12:15 pm
consistently my favorite made-up sibling, barely edging out marcus clayton (the illegitimate black brother of john) and samuel “tex” kolber (suzy’s transexual sister).
July 22nd, 2008 at 12:19 pm
i dont think ive had the pleasure of seeing “tex”
July 22nd, 2008 at 12:19 pm
I was hoping to see Matt tear up like his dim-witted sister-in-law Elizabeth. Other than that, well played.
July 22nd, 2008 at 12:20 pm
That might have been the gentlest portrayal of an NFL player I have ever seen… I didn’t come away with any contempt, hatred, or even pity of Matt Hasselbeck. Seems like a cool dude actually next time I see him Im gonna buy that fucker a beer!
July 22nd, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Biff makes Rob Ryan look like a girl scout.
July 22nd, 2008 at 12:50 pm
I’m pretty sure the Butthole Buccaneer was an old WWF wrestler…
July 22nd, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Matt Hasselbeck is awesome. Boston boy, born and raised. That Superbowl ad he did where he talked about getting fan mail only to discover that it was a request for Brett Favre’s autograph? Priceless.
July 22nd, 2008 at 12:53 pm
I’m pretty sure the Butthole Buccaneer was an old WWF wrestler…
Jeff Garcia/Chris Simms/Steve Spurrier was in the WWF?
July 22nd, 2008 at 1:03 pm
That’s great, Punter, but how does he feel about the Chiefs?
July 22nd, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Biff was schooled in wrestling by Captain Lou Albano. His finishing move is the fuckshovel.
July 22nd, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Wait…PK is interviewing Matt Hasselbeck and Mary Beth does not make an appearance?
July 22nd, 2008 at 1:14 pm
You remember that time when you were eight and you tried to iron out the wrinkles in your ballsack with an iron? Oh, man. That’s still my favorite ambulance ride ever.
So THAT’S where that warning label came from.
July 22nd, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Wow, this site is getting gayer every day. Did Ryan Seacrest take over as editor? We gonna start exchanging tips on our favorite butt plugs soon?
July 22nd, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Matt Hasselbeck is awesome. Boston boy, born and raised.
Well fuck him then.
July 22nd, 2008 at 1:43 pm
How does Mary Beth King not make an appearance?
/dick goes limp
July 22nd, 2008 at 1:47 pm
I’ve never seen Kojak - so I’m gonna go check out Wikipedia, learn up on it then come back and laugh at that joke.
harf harf.
July 22nd, 2008 at 2:33 pm
So was Matt going to hit Biff with his playbook?
July 22nd, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Matt Hasselbeck is awesome. Boston boy, born and raised.
that explains the doucheyness.
July 22nd, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Really, I was expecting Mary Beth and Peter to be battling for the affections of Hasselbeck by now….
July 22nd, 2008 at 3:19 pm
FUCK THIS SILLY SHIT, WHERE IS THE BOXING TOURNEY???
July 22nd, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Oh, yeah, that boxing tournament started and then I went on vacation and just assumed it was done by now. What gives? Some imaginary people have money riding on this imaginary tournament.
July 22nd, 2008 at 11:04 pm
“Matt Hasselbeck is awesome. Boston boy, born and raised.”
Ah, so THAT’s why, despite his self-effacing charm and heady on-the-field leadership, I still find myself wishing he’d die of leukemia.
July 22nd, 2008 at 11:53 pm
something about the biff picture makes me wanna vomit.
July 23rd, 2008 at 6:44 am
biff =innovation of the year
triple k long distance fist pound