Batman might have grossed $155 million in its opening weekend compared to Eyetie Spidey’s lesser take of a couple million Internet dollars, but at least the actor who plays Italo Spiderman doesn’t yell at his mom. Actually, given his propensity for hitting women, he probably has done what Christian Bale was suspecting of doing. But at least he didn’t fling the mustache at her.

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Seems Carson Palmer’s loyalty to his alma mater is still a sore spot with some Ohio State fans. If I was going to express my disdain for someone, I doubt I’d parody such a lugubrious tune. It’s kind of hard to get fired up over Neil Young (who, incidentally, was dubbed “The Human Quaalude” by my sister after an excruciatingly dull live acoustic set).

And why is this guy so pissed off anyways? Palmer has already expressed his contrition in the most personal and heartfelt manner possible: a press release on his team’s official website. I bet on his birth certificate it says: “Carson Sincerity Palmer”.

If you call it the NFC Norris, I will bury a pickaxe in your large intestine…

CHICAGO BEARS

Five Fast Facts About The Bears:
-Quarterback Kyle Orton does not pay for alcohol and will only drink from wounded soldiers.
-Quarterback Rex Grossman will only call you back if you’re a “screamer”.
-Running back Kevin Jones’s ankle is made of 100% pure mica.
-Wide receiver Brandon Lloyd once thought Aspercreme was meant to be taken orally.
-Tight end Greg Olsen will never be that good. You Miami nutjobs can quit going on and on about him now.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 8 Wins

Verdict: UNDER

It’s somewhat difficult to win eight games when you have no quarterback, no wideouts, and no running backs. Congratulations, Bears fans: you might have the most excruciating-to-watch offense in NFL. I’d rather watch a Todd Solondz film. “Oooh, look! People from the suburbs are twisted and strange! I’m going to film that little boy cumming on the railing! I’m so taboo!” Get fucked, freakshow. Your movies blow.

DETROIT LIONS

Five Fast Facts About The Lions:
-You know those cyclones in Myanmar? Matt Millen caused that.
-Tim Russert’s heart attack? Also Millen.
-Financial backing for “Beverly Hills Chihuahua”? Millen.
-Did your network go down at work today? Millen.
-FUCK MATT MILLEN

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 6.5 Wins

Verdict: UNDER

Six wins I could see. But six and a HALF? Let’s not go fucking nuts here. Half a win is 100% of a win for this epicenter of NFL shittitude. Also, Roy Williams can eat a bag of piping hot diarrhea. Some third round fantasy pick you were, Pegboy.

GREEN BAY PACKERS

SIX Fast Facts About The Packers:
-These are the two hottest women in Green Bay.
-Cornerback Charles Woodson’s signature Cabernet has a bitter aftertaste that can last seven or eight years. It also has a distinct bouquet of used athletic tape. It gives up on having flavor after roughly six sips.
-Running back Ryan Grant went to Notre Dame. Whoa whoa whoa. A successful pro who went to ND? Fucking A. That’s like Arizona State producing a Rhodes Scholar.
-Linebacker AJ Hawk really hopes he isn’t in the Quinn household when Brady decides to have “the talk”.
-Quarterback Aaron Rodgers murdered Brett Favre’s dad.
-Everyone knows the Packers ride bikes to the practice field during camp. What people don’t know is that the Packers like to ride their bikes without seats. And without pants. BECAUSE THEY’RE SO GAY! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 8 Wins

Verdict: OVER

Oh, no! Brett’s gone! How will Green Bay ever survive with just a solid defensive line, a sound running game, gifted young receivers, an improving head coach, and a potentially decent quarterback? A BLUE PERIOD SHALL DESCEND UPON US ALL!

MINNESOTA VIKINGS

Five Fast Facts About The Vikings:
-Tackle Bryant McKinnie was the person who drafted this bukkake model release form.
-Head Coach Brad Childress is known around town for hosting dinner parties, burning dinner, then serving it anyway and insisting that it’s delicious.
-Cornerback Antoine Winfield is considered the best tackling corner in football. You get to tackle people a lot when you let them catch the ball as often as Winfield does.
-Linebacker Chad Greenway did NOT direct “The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover”
-If you say one mean thing about Adrian Peterson, I will personally come to your house and shave your mom’s ass. You prick.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 8.5 Wins

Verdict: OVER

The Vikings are a few people’s chic Super Bowl pick, which means they’re hopelessly fucked. Thanks to Tarvaris Jackson, they also happen to be the official Butterface Team of 2008. One of the Viking message boards I frequent decided to nickname Jackson “Tar Baby”. Because it sounds like Tarvaris! So clever! So yeah, Minnesotans can also be racist fucks. Goody.

STARBUCKS

WASHINGTON SHOE BUILDING, SEATTLE.

Peter King: Thanks again for meeting me out here, Matt. This has been a terrific interview so far.

Matt Hasselbeck: I’ve enjoyed it, too, Peter.

Peter King: This is a great Starbucks. I hope this isn’t one of the hundreds they close down.

Matt Hasselbeck: Who knows. But I think you need to take it easy on the coffee.

Peter King: Nonsense, I’ve only had six or seven since we’ve been here.

Matt Hasselbeck: If you say so, Mister Starbucks.

Peter King: Ha! Oh Matt, you always make me laugh. You don’t have to go anytime soon, do you?

Matt Hasselbeck: Well, Peter, this is the only thing I had scheduled today. Maybe after this, I can show you some of the Forty Niners game film I’ve been studying at my place.

Peter King: That–that would be great, Matt.

Matt Hasselbeck: Hey, Peter?

Peter King: Yes, Matt? Yes?

Matt Hasselbeck: Peter, do you have a brother?

Peter King: Do I have a…Aw, shit…

Read the rest of this entry »

Another dispatch from the Lifestyles of People With Fuck You Money:

Someone sent the following e-mail to the DC Steeler Nation fan club group on Yahoo:

I happen to have some pictures of the new pool just built at Big Ben’s house in Gibsonia. He’s got a number 7 tiled on the bottom of the pool. There’s a “cave” in the deep end with a waterfall for privacy.
There’s a bar in the shallow end with wrap-around granite bar top, submerged bar stools, and a grill. He spent $1.7 million on the pool.

Not too shabby. Matt Leinart thinks it could use more underage girls though.

I’m off the internet for four days and the Redskins trade for Jason Taylor. How the hell does that happen?

Well apparently all it took was a second rounder in next year’s draft, a sixth rounder in the subsequent draft, and a special song dedicated to Jason by the one and only Zorn Star.

We can dance if we want to
We can leave your friends behind
‘Cause your friends don’t dance and if they don’t dance
Well they’re no friends of mine
I say, we can go where we want to
A place where they will never find
And we can act like we come from out of this world
Leave the real one far behind
And we can dance
Dance!

We can go when we want to
The night is young and so am I
And we can dress real neat from our hats to our feet
And surprise ‘em with the victory cry
Say, we can act if want to
If we don’t nobody will
And you can act real rude and totally removed
And I can act like an imbecile

I say, we can dance, we can dance
Everything out of control
We can dance, we can dance
We’re doing it from wall to wall
We can dance, we can dance
Everybody look at your hands
We can dance, we can dance
Everybody takin’ the cha-a-a-ance

We can dance if we want to
We’ve got all your life and mine (Ed. Note: 2 years)
As long as we abuse it, never gonna lose it
Everything’ll work out right
I say, we can dance if we want to
We can leave your friends behind
‘Cause your friends don’t dance and if they don’t dance
Well they’re no friends of mine

I’m really sorry for doing this.

Dear Mary Beth King,

Hiya. Just wanted to say that we at KSK heard about your new internship via your Dad’s column. In case you’ve stopped reading it — don’t worry, most of us have — here’s what he said:

7. I think in the interest of full disclosure, I want to report that my daughter, Mary Beth King, has taken a PR internship with the Seattle Seahawks for the season. It’s going to sound hollow to say I had nothing to do with it, but I didn’t. She applied without telling me. New family rule: Mary Beth does not share conversations with Matt Hasselbeck or Mike Holmgren with her father.

I don’t think we’ve ever been properly introduced, but it just so happens that I’m one of the more enthusiastic Seahawks fans in this neck of the Inter-woods, so I thought I’d say hello. I’d be happy to hear from you about any and all Seahawks-related news, and I’d eagerly listen to what you have to say about any conversations you have with Mike Holmgren and Matt Hasselbeck. Unlike your father. *cough* Deadbeat! *cough*

Anyway, nice to make your acquaintance. Please feel free to email us any Seahawks news, or press releases, or… you know… photos of yourself.

Kindest regards,

Captain Caveman and the Gay Mafia

All you media fags can eat the crotch out of a rag doll. You thought I was gonna get traded! Get stuffed, Peter King! The agent says I’m staying! AND they’re releasing Kevin Boss!

WOOOOOOOOOOO!

WHAT THE FUCK!?

NOT AGAIN!

If Reggie Bush don’t want that girl of his to have that big ass no more, just slide that shit my way. I’ll raw dog it and bail.

That fagatron with the birthmark better be able to get me the fucking rock. I can swing a mean crutch!

This is a brilliant mash-up of Bert & Ernie with M.O.P.’s “Ante Up.” Because any NFL blog that doesn’t bring you fetus humor, Chris Cooley’s bag of dicks and Sesame Street gangsta rap in the same day, isn’t worth reading.

We at KSK pride ourselves on avoiding Stu Scottian levels of jocksniffery. But when Redskins all-pro H-back and part-time blogger Chris Cooley asked to write a guest post, AND used the phrase “bag of dicks” in said guest post, we weren’t about to turn his frizzy-haired ass down. So here now, in his own words, is the actual Chris Cooley, telling you why training camp is both shitty and useless.

Training camp is about to start and is exciting for every football fan in America. Fuck Town for me. Inside scoop around Redskins Park sounds like no shortage of two-a-days. The numbers of days mentioned by Skins personnel seems to be climbing like an eBay auction in the last minute. At least I can look forward to a month of fun in the sun… …. …. (Borat) … NOT!!

Camp Q and A: Cooley, how much more exciting is it to have the fans attend practice during camp? Real answer, “It really doesn’t matter, I just put on a ass load of sweaty equipment, my body feels like dog shit and now I get to smash my head into 50 other guys for 2 hours. It doesn’t matter if the audience is 5,000 naked women, (link NSFW) practice is practice and it’s shitty.” Well, at least naked women would draw more of the player’s attention to sign autographs when practice ends. “Damn it, I dropped the pen again. My hands are just so slippery, reach down and grab that for me real quick.”

The one cool thing about the first month of camp is living in a dorm room. I love it when I get to leave my 2.8 million dollar house and live in a 400 square foot box, trade in the Mercedes for the bus, and curl up in my twin bed. The TV’s are great too, who isn’t happy when they pick up 10 total channels on a 24 inch box? Yea, I guess now people can say what a ungrateful bastard I am and how much anyone would give to play pro football, but please, whether it’s a high school or NFL training camp, it’s still gonna be as fun as a bag of dicks.

Camp Q and A: Cooley, How do you think the Redskins are gonna be this year? Answer I would like to give: “Well, we’re practicing to lose every game by about 30, so I guess terrible.” No one knows how their team is going to be until more than half way through the season. Last year is a perfect example, even into week 17 no one would have picked New York to win the Super Bowl, but weird shit happens in the NFL. In reality they were 1 or 2 plays from being one of the average teams of the year. The difference from average to great in football is so minimal.

Maybe one day I’ll look back and wish I wouldn’t have taken anything for granted. I’ll stop and think I should have loved every minute of it. Then I’ll look at my fucked up shoulders and knees and take it back.

Really, I love football, but training camp just takes the fun out of the game. It’s just for me; the season couldn’t come any sooner. Today’s football business has become a completely year round job. I have spent the last 5 months preparing for this season, including most of May and June practicing and running plays with the team. Give me three weeks, maybe two preseason games and let me play the Super Bowl champs. I promise I’d be ready.