Oh, Judith Light, I Wanna F–k You So Bad
Look, Judith. I know you’re a busy girl, you’re some big-time actress and all that. You have way more important people to talk to than me, so I’m gonna cut to the chase. I’ll put all my cards on the table. That’s just the kinda guy I am. So here goes, Judith.
I really, really want to fuck you, Judith. I want to fuck you so bad, I can taste it. I wanna hollow you out like an unassembled Twinkie, and then blast you full with a load of my special creamy filling. You like Twinkies, Judith? Think of an eight-inch twinkie that looks just like a cock. That’s what I’ve got with a big red bow on it. Just for you.
You and me, Judith, we HAVE to hook it up right now, or my dong is gonna explode so badly that Homeland Security’s gonna search my asshole for WMDs. We’ve gotta fuck now. I don’t care how we do it. Or when. Or where. That coat check room looks pretty good. There’s a nice little alcove in the kitchen area. Oh, did I mention the alley outside?
Whatever you do, don’t take all your clothes off right away. I hate that shit. I know just the thing to get us started: you can sit on my face while I read your IMDb page to you — get ready to moan when I get to your performance as Zuleika in Joseph: King of Dreams. You just nailed that character, Judith. And now I’m gonna nail you.
Can you feel it, Judith? Can you feel that tension in the air? Holy shit, I can feel my balls curling up like a cobra, ready to strike. And spew venom. If you had a flute and a turban, you could probably charm my cock right outta my pants. And I’d let you. I’m a sucker for Vivaldi, just so you know.
So think about it., Judith. You don’t have to answer right away, but do it soon. I’m gonna fuck you so hard it’s gonna spark another Tony Danza comeback. Have your people call my people, and let’s get this party started.
Tags: I wanna fuck you so bad, I'd lick the cobwebs out of her taint, I'M THE BOSS bitch, jeez punter that's just wrong, MMP
July 9th, 2008 at 8:22 am
While Judith Light was easily the fourth hottest chick on “Who’s the Boss?” this post may have put me off sex for a good while.
On the bright side, it’s nice to finally discover the true author of this classic. (Sorta NSFW.)
July 9th, 2008 at 8:37 am
*backs slowly out of the room, and avoids eye contact*
July 9th, 2008 at 8:39 am
Bring her TV son Jonathan in to tickle your balls while you go at it.
July 9th, 2008 at 8:41 am
Punter’s just trying to make Mona jealous
July 9th, 2008 at 8:41 am
@Otto
Jesus that’s the funniest thing I’ve read in months. It’s also the most disturbing.
July 9th, 2008 at 8:52 am
Somewhere Tony Danza is weeping softly.
Just in case someone wants more
http://www.judithlight.com/
/found by accident, not that I was looking for it
July 9th, 2008 at 8:53 am
Having sex with her made Tony Danza brain dead – not that you’d notice…
July 9th, 2008 at 8:53 am
Doesn’t this post deserve the “jeez punter that’s just wrong” tag?
July 9th, 2008 at 9:06 am
@nevernude, I was thinking Alyssa Milano to work the balls.
there is nothing wrong with wanting to bang Judith light.
July 9th, 2008 at 9:11 am
It’s gonna be one of those days, isn’t it?
July 9th, 2008 at 9:13 am
“I’m gonna fuck you so hard it’s gonna spark another Tony Danza comeback.”
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=tony+danza
there has to be a way to combine the two
July 9th, 2008 at 9:19 am
Dalerio, is that you?
July 9th, 2008 at 9:21 am
JUDITH LIGHT!!!!??? She’s one face lift away from having a goatee! I’ll still take Christie Brinkley anyday!
July 9th, 2008 at 9:26 am
*stands up and applauds*
Bravo sir, bravo! Combining Vivaldi with “you could probably charm my cock right outta my pants” is pure poetry. For future reference, replace Judith Light with Alyssa Milano and you’ll have my letter.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go hurl my bowl of Cocoa Pebbles in disgust.
July 9th, 2008 at 9:26 am
Eight inches, bullshit. Only if you’re measuring up from mid-thigh.
July 9th, 2008 at 9:27 am
Joanna Kerns might be available for a threesome
July 9th, 2008 at 9:27 am
uh…ok…um…right.
Dude WTF?
July 9th, 2008 at 9:32 am
@Otto: Jesus that’s the funniest thing I’ve read in months. It’s also the most disturbing.
Yep. It’s hilarious and creepy at the same time, like the suicide of a clown.
Re-reading it just now, I first thought I should withdraw the “Sorta NSFW” and replace it with a straight-up “NSFW,” but then I realized it’s no dirtier than Punter’s “Guiding Light” fantasy here.
Doesn’t this post deserve the “jeez punter that’s just wrong” tag?
I think that tag has been abbreviated to “MMP.” They’re all wrong.
July 9th, 2008 at 9:33 am
That photo of Judith Light reminds me of a middle-aged Bea Arthur.
July 9th, 2008 at 9:35 am
humpday indeed. that man needs some privacy, some first-class lubricant, and a lot less internet access.
July 9th, 2008 at 9:40 am
nothing like starting off my day with a little erotic fiction. just in time for my 9:45 wank!
July 9th, 2008 at 9:41 am
that was hotter than the letter I wrote to anne ramsey before I realized she was dead.
July 9th, 2008 at 9:50 am
@ EVillJoe
Let’s not go watering down the PUNTE/wrong tag now
Also, PUNTE, you’re going to have to contend with Tony Danza’s breath
July 9th, 2008 at 10:05 am
80’s TV Mom I always wanted to bone: Elyse Keaton (Family Ties)
80’s TV Mom I always aspired to marry: Clair Huxtable (The Cosby Show)
July 9th, 2008 at 10:07 am
“…A brand new life, a brand new life around the bend”.
Better wear a rubber, dude. You don’t want another fruity Jonathan around.
You could make a draft out of fuckable sitcom Moms. My first pick would be Erin Grey from “Silver Spoons”.
July 9th, 2008 at 10:10 am
Dammit, Gino, you stole my pick.
July 9th, 2008 at 10:14 am
80’s/early 90’s tv mom i wanted to bang: Lori Laughlin from Full House.
July 9th, 2008 at 10:14 am
“C’mon Angela!” indeed.
@Gino, Otto:
Wasn’t she technically a sitcom step-mom? No ways those hips slid The Ricker out.
July 9th, 2008 at 10:18 am
That she was, Fallex. Which makes it all the better.
July 9th, 2008 at 10:20 am
@ Upstate Underdog
Quality pick with Lori Laughlin. You should tie Uncle Jesse to a chair and make him watch.
July 9th, 2008 at 10:22 am
@Otto, fallex
Erin Grey was also in “Buck Rogers”. So she’s a hot space step-man.
July 9th, 2008 at 10:24 am
Good God, I meant “hot space step mom.” An egregious typo.
July 9th, 2008 at 10:27 am
@Gino, or make it a 3-way with D.J.
July 9th, 2008 at 10:27 am
so what does everyone else think about when there’s no football?
July 9th, 2008 at 10:27 am
Remember the outfit Erin Grey wore in Buck Rogers? It was like a teal spandex onesie. If I thought anyone under the age of 35 would get the reference, I would totally go as her character for Halloween this year. Right after I crank up that cocaine habit.
July 9th, 2008 at 10:28 am
Fucking fuck. Close italics!
July 9th, 2008 at 10:29 am
Joanna Kerns = Larry Bird after a shave.
July 9th, 2008 at 10:32 am
Goddammit Punter. This is reminiscent of the Andrea Kremer/Tom Brady sex talk.
July 9th, 2008 at 10:35 am
[...] The KSK guys are huge Judith Light fans. Really. [KSK] [...]
July 9th, 2008 at 10:45 am
@Gino, @UU
Since I can’t pick Lori Laughlin, give me Suzanne Somers.
July 9th, 2008 at 10:49 am
Courtney Thorne-Smith from According to Jim.
July 9th, 2008 at 10:51 am
@ Gino, UU, Speedskater: ok, I want in on this draft too. UU took my favorite pick, Speedskater took my second favorite. I’ll go with Katey Segal as Peggy Bundy in Married With Children – if I was Al I would’ve been stuffing that shit like a Thanksgiving turkey instead of hating sex. Bonus points if I get the threesome with Kelly..
July 9th, 2008 at 10:54 am
Mmmmmmm, 80s tv nudity.
http://www.freenudecelebs.dk/nude-celebs-pictures/j/judith-light-nude/judith-light-nude-1.jpg
July 9th, 2008 at 10:59 am
Well, she did play a Hooker on One Life to Live (Karen Wolek). She must have been one hell of a hooker since she won 2 Emmy’s for it. Damn, day time TV recognizing whores – makes me glad I work at home 2 days a week.
July 9th, 2008 at 11:01 am
You know, as fuckable sit-com moms go, Florence “Carol Brady” Henderson wins the Longevity In Fuckability Award. She’s still looking good. She can take off the dentures and break out the Wesson Oil.
July 9th, 2008 at 11:02 am
My mom went to college with Judith Light and they lived in the same dorm for a year. She still says Judith Light would remember her, and it’s been 40 years. So, MMP, if you want me to hook you up, I might be able to arrange it.
July 9th, 2008 at 11:02 am
I remember the mom from Mr. Belvedere being alright…and she had low standards by being married to Bob Uecker.
But I’d still opt for being dropped into the Facts of Life house any day.
On a side note, my dad thinks Judith Light is the hottest chick in the world. My brother and I have been making fun of him for that for years. Every time we’re together and we see some girl on TV, one of us will inevitably say, “Well…she’s no Judith Light.” Hilarious, MMP.
July 9th, 2008 at 11:21 am
If we’re drafting hot 80’s TV Moms I will not let Mrs. Arnold (The Wonder Years) go gentle into that good night.
July 9th, 2008 at 11:23 am
“Well…she’s no Judith Light.”
I will be using that forever more.
July 9th, 2008 at 11:28 am
@Naptown Drew
Great call on the fuckability of Kevin Arnold’s mom. I totally forgot about her. Throw in Winnie Cooper and you’ve got a helluva three-way.
July 9th, 2008 at 11:33 am
Who the fuck is Judith Light?
July 9th, 2008 at 11:36 am
This post is actually real close to how i purposed to my wife, twinkie analogy and everything
July 9th, 2008 at 11:38 am
“I want to fuck you in the worst way!”
“Good, that’s the only way I know how.”
July 9th, 2008 at 11:39 am
Meredith Baxter-Birney, bitches.
July 9th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Elizabeth Montgomery for the motherfucking win.
July 9th, 2008 at 11:44 am
great call Otto, I’ll go old school and pick Mary Tyler Moore.
July 9th, 2008 at 11:48 am
June Cleaver, from behind. She will make little barking noises.
July 9th, 2008 at 11:49 am
June Cleaver – Nice Dress/Pearls to be later pulled out of her ass and the way she looks at her husband and says, “Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night.” and he responds, “Sometimes you have to be to make your point.”
July 9th, 2008 at 11:50 am
@ spongeworthy – shit, I’m typing to slowly….
July 9th, 2008 at 11:52 am
you can sit on my face while I read your IMDb page to you
That’s called the Clint Eastwood.
July 9th, 2008 at 11:53 am
What about Tanya Roberts from That 70’s show? Talk about a great rack.
But if we’re still old school, I go with Lily Monster. Get her out of the Goth make up and she was smokin.
July 9th, 2008 at 11:55 am
@ Otto Man
Fan-fucking-tastic call on Elizabeth “Samantha” Montgomery. Black Magic Woman indeed.
Also, tune into Nick At Nite and check out Donna Reed. You just know that behind her WASP-y suburban ’50s façade, she was a tigress in the sack.
July 9th, 2008 at 11:55 am
@futuremrsrickankiel – Clint must have some amazing staying power.
July 9th, 2008 at 11:55 am
This should fuel your Erin Gray fantasies.
And I’ll take Claire Huxtable too. She was smokin’ back in the day.
July 9th, 2008 at 11:57 am
[...] Bravo, Kissing Suzy Kolber. [...]
July 9th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
[...] Morning Punter from Kissing Suzy Kolber wants to give it to Judith Light (Who’s the Boss) about as much as I want to give it to their [...]
July 9th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
RE “I’m gonna fuck you so hard it’s gonna spark another Tony Danza comeback.”
How does that work, exactly? I’d appreciate it if you’d fuck her not quite hard enough to spark another Danza comeback. I think one is enough (Danza comebacks, that is).
I’m kinda mad there aren’t more hot TV dads. Right off the top of my head, I can’t think of any.
July 9th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
+2; one each for my belly-laughs at work.
Only here could such a post turn into a commenter draft.
July 9th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
What, no Roseanne?
btw Amy Ryan plays a mom on The Wire, right? Right???
July 9th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
I’d appreciate it if you’d fuck her not quite hard enough to spark another Danza comeback.
As would we all. But if Tony Danza did come back, I’d be willing to bet the character would be a loveable Italian guy named Tony, in keeping with his past star turns as Tony DiMeo, Tony Cannetti, Tony Micelli, and Tony Banta.
Hard to believe he played all those characters. What range!
July 9th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
jeez, punter.
that’s just wrong.
July 9th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
If we’re going old-school, Samantha Stevens (Bewitched) has a spell on me.
July 9th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Nevermind, Gino scooped her. Nice pick.
July 9th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
If you had a flute and a turban, you could probably charm my cock right outta my pants.
Awesome.
July 9th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Otto Man Says:
“But if Tony Danza did come back, I’d be willing to bet the character would be a loveable Italian guy named Tony, in keeping with his past star turns as Tony DiMeo, Tony Cannetti, Tony Micelli, and Tony Banta. Hard to believe he played all those characters. What range!”
And he paved the way for other dumb Italian guys on TV: dumb guy on “Friends”, the dumb guy on “Rescue Me” (OK, the OTHER dumb guy on that show), the dumb guy on “King of Queens,” the list goes on. You could say Danza is the godfather of dumb Italian guys on TV. What a role model…
July 9th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
How could anybody forget Shirley (Jones) Partridge? My very first MILF crush!
July 9th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
You’re not wrong, Slash. Not a lot of hot dads from 80s sit-coms. I can’t deny, though, that I had a bit of a crush on Mr. Danza. I like the mouth breathers. Also, Uncle Jesse did eventually become a dad and frankly I’d happily hop on the 80s, 90s or 00s version of John Stamos.
July 9th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
i’ll take sandy duncan any day
July 9th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Also, Uncle Jesse did eventually become a dad and frankly I’d happily hop on the 80s, 90s or 00s version of John Stamos.
i’m glad you clarified that, Smello, because for the first half of that sentence I thought you were going in another direction entirely.
July 9th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
Pam Dawber from early Mork and Mindy. Mork could probably hook me up with some killer alien gel that makes me last hours and hours and I’ve put way too much thought into this so I’m just gonna bust one out in my cubicle and take a nap thanks for listening.
July 9th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Peggy Bundy
July 9th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Otto – Thanks for that. It lead to much giggling.
As for the Dukes of Hazzard (TV version; we’ll pretend the movie never happened)…No Uncle Jesse for me. I was a proud member of the John Schneider fan club in my youth. Wrote him letters and everything. Mr. Wopat didn’t appeal to me back in the day, but I’d happily stalk him today.
July 9th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
Smello, my wife’s first record purchase was that song John Schneider put out. No shame there.
July 9th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Can I combine fine 80s MILF material and Dukes of Hazzard cast members? I mean I don’t know if Daisy Duke was a mom, but I’d have eaten a mile of her shit if she would let me see where it came from.
July 9th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
i’ll take barbara eden (i dream of genie). blonde, built like a brick shit house, takes orders, and calls me master? i’ve arrived.
July 9th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
@ paul – Sandy Duncan and her glass eye would probably get it.
And I remember being OK with the mom from Alf. She let a furry cat-eater run around her house forever so she must be cool.
There’s a joke in there somewhere I’m sure.
July 9th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
And in honor of my brother, I’ll take Patricia Heaton off the board because he’s infatuated with her.
July 9th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
A claim to fame for supposedly carrying on a heterosexual relationship with Tony the Nanny (who was obviously a rigatoni in the closet) is not worthy of young guy penis.
July 9th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
Ohhh, damn I’m going to be ill.
July 9th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Morticia Adams. And I want Thing to finger my taint while I’m at it.
July 9th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Smello Says:
“You’re not wrong, Slash. Not a lot of hot dads from 80s sit-coms. I can’t deny, though, that I had a bit of a crush on Mr. Danza. I like the mouth breathers. Also, Uncle Jesse did eventually become a dad and frankly I’d happily hop on the 80s, 90s or 00s version of John Stamos.”
Danza: Eh, he was OK in “Taxi.” Stamos is hot now, I don’t know about back when he was rocking the mullet.
I just can’t think of any DILFs from TV sitcoms. If there are any, they aren’t anywhere near the motherlode of MILFness that male viewers have to choose from. So unfair.
P.S. – I did just think of one. Cox on “Scrubs” is reasonably hot. Talks too much, though.
July 9th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
@jujrok
Excellent call on Barbara Eden. As far as I know, Jeannie wasn’t a mom, but hell, she’s (still) quite fuckable- and any potential offspring would be awesome.
July 9th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
@ dick_gozinia: i would make her remove the glass eye, and do some dirty, dirty things
/shows self out
July 9th, 2008 at 5:14 pm
/rolls eyes, slight vurp
I cannot wait for the agony of the offseason to be over…
July 9th, 2008 at 10:18 pm
First of all, great call by Otto Man on Elizabeth Montgomery. One of the most beautiful to ever grace the screen.
As a number two, I’ll take Joanna Kerns of Growing Pains. And did you know her sister is Donna de Varona the Olympic medalist – no shit. Hell, I’d do them both.
July 10th, 2008 at 3:44 am
You lose a bet?
July 10th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
If we’re not limited to just 80’s TV moms, I’d have to go with the mom from Friday Night Lights (add a little Lyla Garrity in there for good measure, and we got us a true Dillon evening at home). Fuck. and. yes.
July 18th, 2008 at 10:56 am
Hey don’t include such a respectable person and actress like Judith Light into this disgusting crap. She doesn’t deserve this. And you who says she’s into face lift, you must be talking about yourself. doesn’t mean you have tons of face lifts everyday that other people do it.
So please can you all take a hike.