Look, Judith. I know you’re a busy girl, you’re some big-time actress and all that. You have way more important people to talk to than me, so I’m gonna cut to the chase. I’ll put all my cards on the table. That’s just the kinda guy I am. So here goes, Judith.
I really, really want to fuck you, Judith. I want to fuck you so bad, I can taste it. I wanna hollow you out like an unassembled Twinkie, and then blast you full with a load of my special creamy filling. You like Twinkies, Judith? Think of an eight-inch twinkie that looks just like a cock. That’s what I’ve got with a big red bow on it. Just for you.
You and me, Judith, we HAVE to hook it up right now, or my dong is gonna explode so badly that Homeland Security’s gonna search my asshole for WMDs. We’ve gotta fuck now. I don’t care how we do it. Or when. Or where. That coat check room looks pretty good. There’s a nice little alcove in the kitchen area. Oh, did I mention the alley outside?
Whatever you do, don’t take all your clothes off right away. I hate that shit. I know just the thing to get us started: you can sit on my face while I read your IMDb page to you — get ready to moan when I get to your performance as Zuleika in Joseph: King of Dreams. You just nailed that character, Judith. And now I’m gonna nail you.
Can you feel it, Judith? Can you feel that tension in the air? Holy shit, I can feel my balls curling up like a cobra, ready to strike. And spew venom. If you had a flute and a turban, you could probably charm my cock right outta my pants. And I’d let you. I’m a sucker for Vivaldi, just so you know.
So think about it., Judith. You don’t have to answer right away, but do it soon. I’m gonna fuck you so hard it’s gonna spark another Tony Danza comeback. Have your people call my people, and let’s get this party started.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2011/08/punte-red-green-burst-650-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2011/07/patrick-willis-shakey-150x150.jpg)
Hey don’t include such a respectable person and actress like Judith Light into this disgusting crap. She doesn’t deserve this. And you who says she’s into face lift, you must be talking about yourself. doesn’t mean you have tons of face lifts everyday that other people do it.
So please can you all take a hike.
If we’re not limited to just 80′s TV moms, I’d have to go with the mom from Friday Night Lights (add a little Lyla Garrity in there for good measure, and we got us a true Dillon evening at home). Fuck. and. yes.
You lose a bet?
First of all, great call by Otto Man on Elizabeth Montgomery. One of the most beautiful to ever grace the screen.
As a number two, I’ll take Joanna Kerns of Growing Pains. And did you know her sister is Donna de Varona the Olympic medalist – no shit. Hell, I’d do them both.
/rolls eyes, slight vurp
I cannot wait for the agony of the offseason to be over…
@ dick_gozinia: i would make her remove the glass eye, and do some dirty, dirty things
/shows self out
@jujrok
Excellent call on Barbara Eden. As far as I know, Jeannie wasn’t a mom, but hell, she’s (still) quite fuckable- and any potential offspring would be awesome.
Smello Says:
“You’re not wrong, Slash. Not a lot of hot dads from 80s sit-coms. I can’t deny, though, that I had a bit of a crush on Mr. Danza. I like the mouth breathers. Also, Uncle Jesse did eventually become a dad and frankly I’d happily hop on the 80s, 90s or 00s version of John Stamos.”
Danza: Eh, he was OK in “Taxi.” Stamos is hot now, I don’t know about back when he was rocking the mullet.
I just can’t think of any DILFs from TV sitcoms. If there are any, they aren’t anywhere near the motherlode of MILFness that male viewers have to choose from. So unfair.
P.S. – I did just think of one. Cox on “Scrubs” is reasonably hot. Talks too much, though.
Morticia Adams. And I want Thing to finger my taint while I’m at it.
Ohhh, damn I’m going to be ill.
A claim to fame for supposedly carrying on a heterosexual relationship with Tony the Nanny (who was obviously a rigatoni in the closet) is not worthy of young guy penis.
And in honor of my brother, I’ll take Patricia Heaton off the board because he’s infatuated with her.
@ paul – Sandy Duncan and her glass eye would probably get it.
And I remember being OK with the mom from Alf. She let a furry cat-eater run around her house forever so she must be cool.
There’s a joke in there somewhere I’m sure.
i’ll take barbara eden (i dream of genie). blonde, built like a brick shit house, takes orders, and calls me master? i’ve arrived.
Can I combine fine 80s MILF material and Dukes of Hazzard cast members? I mean I don’t know if Daisy Duke was a mom, but I’d have eaten a mile of her shit if she would let me see where it came from.
Smello, my wife’s first record purchase was that song John Schneider put out. No shame there.
Otto – Thanks for that. It lead to much giggling.
As for the Dukes of Hazzard (TV version; we’ll pretend the movie never happened)…No Uncle Jesse for me. I was a proud member of the John Schneider fan club in my youth. Wrote him letters and everything. Mr. Wopat didn’t appeal to me back in the day, but I’d happily stalk him today.
Peggy Bundy
Pam Dawber from early Mork and Mindy. Mork could probably hook me up with some killer alien gel that makes me last hours and hours and I’ve put way too much thought into this so I’m just gonna bust one out in my cubicle and take a nap thanks for listening.
Also, Uncle Jesse did eventually become a dad and frankly I’d happily hop on the 80s, 90s or 00s version of John Stamos.
i’m glad you clarified that, Smello, because for the first half of that sentence I thought you were going in another direction entirely.
i’ll take sandy duncan any day
You’re not wrong, Slash. Not a lot of hot dads from 80s sit-coms. I can’t deny, though, that I had a bit of a crush on Mr. Danza. I like the mouth breathers. Also, Uncle Jesse did eventually become a dad and frankly I’d happily hop on the 80s, 90s or 00s version of John Stamos.
How could anybody forget Shirley (Jones) Partridge? My very first MILF crush!
Otto Man Says:
“But if Tony Danza did come back, I’d be willing to bet the character would be a loveable Italian guy named Tony, in keeping with his past star turns as Tony DiMeo, Tony Cannetti, Tony Micelli, and Tony Banta. Hard to believe he played all those characters. What range!”
And he paved the way for other dumb Italian guys on TV: dumb guy on “Friends”, the dumb guy on “Rescue Me” (OK, the OTHER dumb guy on that show), the dumb guy on “King of Queens,” the list goes on. You could say Danza is the godfather of dumb Italian guys on TV. What a role model…
If you had a flute and a turban, you could probably charm my cock right outta my pants.
Awesome.
Nevermind, Gino scooped her. Nice pick.
If we’re going old-school, Samantha Stevens (Bewitched) has a spell on me.
jeez, punter.
that’s just wrong.
I’d appreciate it if you’d fuck her not quite hard enough to spark another Danza comeback.
As would we all. But if Tony Danza did come back, I’d be willing to bet the character would be a loveable Italian guy named Tony, in keeping with his past star turns as Tony DiMeo, Tony Cannetti, Tony Micelli, and Tony Banta.
Hard to believe he played all those characters. What range!
What, no Roseanne?
btw Amy Ryan plays a mom on The Wire, right? Right???
+2; one each for my belly-laughs at work.
Only here could such a post turn into a commenter draft.
RE “I’m gonna fuck you so hard it’s gonna spark another Tony Danza comeback.”
How does that work, exactly? I’d appreciate it if you’d fuck her not quite hard enough to spark another Danza comeback. I think one is enough (Danza comebacks, that is).
I’m kinda mad there aren’t more hot TV dads. Right off the top of my head, I can’t think of any.
This should fuel your Erin Gray fantasies.
And I’ll take Claire Huxtable too. She was smokin’ back in the day.
@futuremrsrickankiel – Clint must have some amazing staying power.
@ Otto Man
Fan-fucking-tastic call on Elizabeth “Samantha” Montgomery. Black Magic Woman indeed.
Also, tune into Nick At Nite and check out Donna Reed. You just know that behind her WASP-y suburban ’50s façade, she was a tigress in the sack.
What about Tanya Roberts from That 70′s show? Talk about a great rack.
But if we’re still old school, I go with Lily Monster. Get her out of the Goth make up and she was smokin.
you can sit on my face while I read your IMDb page to you
That’s called the Clint Eastwood.
@ spongeworthy – shit, I’m typing to slowly….
June Cleaver – Nice Dress/Pearls to be later pulled out of her ass and the way she looks at her husband and says, “Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night.” and he responds, “Sometimes you have to be to make your point.”
June Cleaver, from behind. She will make little barking noises.
great call Otto, I’ll go old school and pick Mary Tyler Moore.
Elizabeth Montgomery for the motherfucking win.
Meredith Baxter-Birney, bitches.
“I want to fuck you in the worst way!”
“Good, that’s the only way I know how.”
This post is actually real close to how i purposed to my wife, twinkie analogy and everything
Who the fuck is Judith Light?
@Naptown Drew
Great call on the fuckability of Kevin Arnold’s mom. I totally forgot about her. Throw in Winnie Cooper and you’ve got a helluva three-way.
“Well…she’s no Judith Light.”
I will be using that forever more.
If we’re drafting hot 80′s TV Moms I will not let Mrs. Arnold (The Wonder Years) go gentle into that good night.
I remember the mom from Mr. Belvedere being alright…and she had low standards by being married to Bob Uecker.
But I’d still opt for being dropped into the Facts of Life house any day.
On a side note, my dad thinks Judith Light is the hottest chick in the world. My brother and I have been making fun of him for that for years. Every time we’re together and we see some girl on TV, one of us will inevitably say, “Well…she’s no Judith Light.” Hilarious, MMP.
My mom went to college with Judith Light and they lived in the same dorm for a year. She still says Judith Light would remember her, and it’s been 40 years. So, MMP, if you want me to hook you up, I might be able to arrange it.
You know, as fuckable sit-com moms go, Florence “Carol Brady” Henderson wins the Longevity In Fuckability Award. She’s still looking good. She can take off the dentures and break out the Wesson Oil.
Well, she did play a Hooker on One Life to Live (Karen Wolek). She must have been one hell of a hooker since she won 2 Emmy’s for it. Damn, day time TV recognizing whores – makes me glad I work at home 2 days a week.
Mmmmmmm, 80s tv nudity.
http://www.freenudecelebs.dk/nude-celebs-pictures/j/judith-light-nude/judith-light-nude-1.jpg
@ Gino, UU, Speedskater: ok, I want in on this draft too. UU took my favorite pick, Speedskater took my second favorite. I’ll go with Katey Segal as Peggy Bundy in Married With Children – if I was Al I would’ve been stuffing that shit like a Thanksgiving turkey instead of hating sex. Bonus points if I get the threesome with Kelly..
Courtney Thorne-Smith from According to Jim.
@Gino, @UU
Since I can’t pick Lori Laughlin, give me Suzanne Somers.
Goddammit Punter. This is reminiscent of the Andrea Kremer/Tom Brady sex talk.
Joanna Kerns = Larry Bird after a shave.
Fucking fuck. Close italics!
Remember the outfit Erin Grey wore in Buck Rogers? It was like a teal spandex onesie. If I thought anyone under the age of 35 would get the reference, I would totally go as her character for Halloween this year. Right after I crank up that cocaine habit.
so what does everyone else think about when there’s no football?
@Gino, or make it a 3-way with D.J.
Good God, I meant “hot space step mom.” An egregious typo.
@Otto, fallex
Erin Grey was also in “Buck Rogers”. So she’s a hot space step-man.
@ Upstate Underdog
Quality pick with Lori Laughlin. You should tie Uncle Jesse to a chair and make him watch.
That she was, Fallex. Which makes it all the better.
“C’mon Angela!” indeed.
@Gino, Otto:
Wasn’t she technically a sitcom step-mom? No ways those hips slid The Ricker out.
80′s/early 90′s tv mom i wanted to bang: Lori Laughlin from Full House.
Dammit, Gino, you stole my pick.
“…A brand new life, a brand new life around the bend”.
Better wear a rubber, dude. You don’t want another fruity Jonathan around.
You could make a draft out of fuckable sitcom Moms. My first pick would be Erin Grey from “Silver Spoons”.
80′s TV Mom I always wanted to bone: Elyse Keaton (Family Ties)
80′s TV Mom I always aspired to marry: Clair Huxtable (The Cosby Show)
@ EVillJoe
Let’s not go watering down the PUNTE/wrong tag now
Also, PUNTE, you’re going to have to contend with Tony Danza’s breath
that was hotter than the letter I wrote to anne ramsey before I realized she was dead.
nothing like starting off my day with a little erotic fiction. just in time for my 9:45 wank!