My Sauces Have Told Me That I’m A Full Of Sh-t A–hole
Mike Francesca: Let’s go to the phones right now. This is Vic in Piscataway calling from the car phone. Vic?
Vic: Yeah, I’ve heard a rumor about Brett Favre going to the Bears to replace…
Mike Francesca: (cuts the line) Vic, Vic, Vic, Vic, stop right there. He’s not goin’ to Chicawgo. Okay? Enough. Enough. (sighs) Not going to Chicawgo. Let me put a rest to all this Brett Fahve speculation right now. I hear people telling me, “Oh, he’s going to Chicawgo,” or, “He’s going to Minnesoter.” Folks, he’s not going to any of those places. You’re just making stuff up, Vic. Making stuff up. You don’t have sauces.
I have sauces.
Okay? Listen to me now, because this is how it’s going to go down. Brett Fahve will DEFINITELY going to Caroliner. That is what my sauces are telling me. He’s gonna go to Caroliner. Not Minnesoter. Not Tamper. Caroliner. He’s gonna sign a two-year deal worth $15.678 million. They’re gonna go 9-7, then he’s going to throw for 3,726 yahds, 25 touchdowns, and 17 picks. He’ll also have a mild hip injury in Week 12. Then they’ll lose to the Giants in the first round of the playoffs 23-10. That is EXACTLY WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN.
So please. Don’t just make stuff up. My sauces are airtight on this. Let’s go to Frankie in Queens.
Frankie: What about Favre going to the Jets? You know, Clemens is…
Mike Francesca: (cuts the line) Frankie, Frankie, Frankie… No. Okay? No. He’s not coming here. Mangini doesn’t want him! Doesn’t want him. He likes the kid: Clemens. Mangini’s gonna start the kid, he’s gonna lead them to an 8-8 record. You might see Pennington in there around Week 9 or so. Just a brief cameo. He’ll take exactly 17 snaps and that will be it. Again, that’s how Mangini wants it. Mangini doesn’t want Fahve. What’s he gonna do with Fahve, Frankie? He’s got a young team! What’s he gonna do with Fahve? No reply to that, Frankie? Guess he hung up. Guess he didn’t want to face facts. Let’s go to Calegero in the Bronx. Whaddaya got, C?
Calegero: What about Miam…
Mike Francesca: (cuts the line) C, C, C… Pawcells isn’t interested! NOT interested. Won’t happen. It literally isn’t possible in this world or any sort of alternate universe. I talked to Pawcells just last night. We’re very close. We ate at Rao’s. Very exclusive. Only 15 seats. They save me a table every night, but don’t you try and eat there. Pawcells does NOT want Fahve. Doesn’t want him. YUGE mistake to take him on. He’s gonna stick Henne in there in Week 7. Henne’s gonna struggle, but in Week 15 he’ll throw for 235 yawds and lead a 14-point comeback. That’s Pawcells’ plan. The future will not deviate in any way shape or form from I have just told you.
I wish you people would stop calling me and trying to outthink me. You clearly know nothing about sports. I’ve been in this business for a long time. Long time. Got a lotta sauces. They tell me Dallas will win the Super Bowl, Heath Ledger will take him the first posthumous Oscar since Peter Finch, Seton Hall will win the NCAA tournament this year, the economy will not recover until May 6, 2011, and that Osama bin Laden can be found at 22 Maplewood Drive in Sedona, Arizona.
Also, I’m AN IMPOSSIBLY ARROGANT FUCKHEAD.
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Tags: arrogant pricks, Big Daddy Drew, blowhards, gasbags, god that felt great, mike francesca, sucks parcells cock
July 15th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
That was lovely.
Although I’m fairly certain that Rao’s only has seven tables.
July 15th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
That was pretty good, but the real Francesspool is far more of an arrogant prick. And where’s the Mad Dog while all of this is going on?
July 15th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Strange. My sauces just bitch about my cooking. Every time I feel like just doing some instant noodles, they’re all “oooooh they’ll do horrible things to your colon so they will”
July 15th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
Where’s the Mad Dog? Nice to see the Francesca hate extending all the way down to D.C.
July 15th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
“Son, you’re ego’s writing checks your body can’t cash.” Yup, in Francesa’s case his fucking ego takes over half of Manhattan. That’s almost triple his body size.
July 15th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
I’m shocked he didn’t lecture Calegero on the sadness of wasted potential
July 15th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Didn’t feel like doing Russo. My ire is strictly for Mikey.
July 15th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Sweet Christ, that sounded EXACTLY like the asscock in my head.
And, as a Caroliner fan, please god no. We already experimented with an old guy, and now our starter’s back, with backups who aren’t David Carr.
July 15th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
@Will
Does ‘we already experimented with and old guy’ refer to drafting Weinke?
July 15th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
This is totally off-topic, but shit like the impossibility of getting into Rao’s is the reason I will never move to the festering cesspit of self-satisfied, caste-enforcing, shit-eating humanity that is New York City. Hate on Boston all you please, but at least I can eat dinner anywhere the fuck I want tonight. GUHHHHHHHH.
July 15th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
*correction: will never move BACK to the festering etc. etc.
July 15th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
What do Mike’s sauces say about the red spots on my genitals?
July 15th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
Although I’m fairly certain that Rao’s only has seven tables.
Not according to their website.
http://www.raos.com/raos_restaurant.htm
Of course the Caesars Palace location has 20.
July 15th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
I still like him better than Craig Carton
July 15th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
I didnt know Mike Francesca and my father in law had so much in common…
Adding initials MF to my hit list… grenade duct-taped in the mouth? or broken broom stick in the ass until death from internal bleeding… to be determined later………
July 15th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
Do his sauces know how Lost is going to end?
July 15th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
Yeah, but it’s no Momofuku Ko. Only 12 seats. You can start reserving a seat 6 days earlier starting at 10am, if your clock says 10:00:15 am and you don’t have a reservation yet, stop trying, until the next day.
Fuck Dyke and Shit Log. One thinks he knows everything about sports and the other doesn’t know shit about sports. But I listen on my way home everyday.
July 15th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
@futuremrs.
Faneuil Hall doesn’t count.
July 15th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
@FutureMrs - I got us reservations for Dorsia at eight.
July 15th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
Thank you for confirming what the voices in my head have been telling me about this shitbawx. YUGE was just well…YUGE.
He’s gonna sign a two-yeah deal worth $15.678 million. Theyah gonna go 9-7, then he’s going to chrow for 3,726 yahds, 25 touchdowns, and 17 picks. He’ll also have a mild hip injury in Week 12. Then they’ll lose to da Giants in the first round of the playawffs 23-10. FUHGEDDABOUDDIT.
/FIXED NEW YAWK STYLE
July 15th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
chris-bessmervin- I’m pretty sure she has to return some videotapes.
July 15th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
Feed me a kitten?
July 15th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
This post reminds me I’m overdue for a trip to my barber’s.
July 15th, 2008 at 6:37 pm
I’m with futuremrs. Say what you will about Boston, there are no rich snobs there.
July 15th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
Should it not be “take home the oscah” not ‘oscar’
July 15th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
Murray: How much are the hot dogs?
Bret: Two dollars.
Murray: How many sauces do you get?
Bret: Two, I think.
Murray: You’d expect more for two dollars, wouldn’t you?
July 15th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
Say what you will about Boston, there are no rich snobs there.
No? Funny how Cambridge is fucking CRAWLING with them.
July 15th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
I GOT HER NUMBAH! HOW DO YA LIKE THEM APPLES?
July 15th, 2008 at 8:07 pm
Looks like Mike Francesca and Cindy McCain shop at the same turtleneck-and-blazer stores.
“Ahoy, polloi!”
July 15th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
Man - reading this shit makes me glad I don’t get these fuckers down in Atlanta.
It’s the type of show I would listen to because it makes me angry….LIKE THAT FUCKER COWHERD!!!!
July 15th, 2008 at 9:00 pm
@SonofDad - Hat tip sir. I was afraid my comment would be lost on this boorish crowd. Me thinks BDD was into that whole Yale thing.
July 15th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
Tremendous work. Between this and Chase Utley telling NY to fuck itself, it’s been a good day.
July 16th, 2008 at 12:55 am
Say what you will about Boston, there are no rich snobs there.
There are, however, a shitload of poor assholes.
July 16th, 2008 at 1:44 am
Yale thing? Are you saying Drew was a closet homosexual who did a lot of cocaine. That whole Yale thing?
July 16th, 2008 at 5:54 am
Not quite repetitive enough, needs to be more like this, “My sauces are telling me he’s gonna go to Caroliner. Caroliner is where my sauces say he’s gonna end up. I got him going to Caroliner… He’s gonna end up in Caroliner, that’s what my sauces are saying… My sauces say Caroliner.”
July 16th, 2008 at 10:35 am
We called him Mikey Six-Times.
July 16th, 2008 at 10:59 am
[i]No? Funny how Cambridge is fucking CRAWLING with them.[/i]
Agreed completely.
/forgot the /sarcasm tag
//at least New Yorkers don’t pretend to be down-to-earth
July 16th, 2008 at 11:01 am
I also forgot how to properly format italics.
/not my morning
July 16th, 2008 at 11:05 am
@Robut M. Nixon
Take it easy, Champ. Why don’t you sit this next one out, stop talking for a while.
July 16th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
I don’t know that I can hate a guy more than this douchebag. Actually met him last year, he is even more smug and arrogant in person. I hope this becomes a series.
July 16th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Here’s my best Mad Dog impression … ahem.
AhhAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
I live in Noo Caanan! Rich peepul hate me!!!
July 17th, 2008 at 10:35 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0i0PccT9iGg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0exbjdwzWOM