Maybe I Shouldn’t Have Said That Thing About The Ring Finger
Wade: My oh my. Finally, training camp is here! You know, we had to work awful hard to get ready for this year, but finally we get to run out there and do some real daggum practicin’! It feels great! It’s just so nice to get back into the swing of things. This is what you live for, gosh darnit! Walking out there, smellin’ that fresh cut grass, hearing those shoulder pads poppin’. Yup, I reckon there’s no finer way to spend a summer afternoon.
Well, before we head on out there, maybe I should read the ol’ paper. Get caught up on the news of the day. Now, the boss man may not think reading the paper’s workin’, but I reckon it does any ball coach a bit a good to be up to date on world events. Let’s see what we got here.
“COWBOYS’ COACH: ‘GET YOUR RING FINGER READY’”
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit oh shit oh shit oh shit. That was off the doggone record! Better hide this paper before anyone sees.
(locks paper in desk)
Phew! Now I just have to hope that…
(door flies open)
Jerry: YEEEEEEHAW!!!! YEE! HAW! YEE TO THE HAW! HAW TO THE YEE! YEE HAW, HEE HAW, KICK YOU IN THE GODDAMN JEW JAW!
Wade: Oh, man.
Jerry: BUENOS NACHOS, you big fucking cheesebleeder! Finishes up taking your mid-morning butterscotch bath, lardass?
Wade: I’m getting ready to hit the practice field, sir.
Jerry: I tell you, son. I’m not sure our field has enough drainage to handle the chicken grease pouring out of your skin! DRAINAGE, MY BOY! DRAAAAAINAGE!
Wade: I’ll do just fine, thank you sir.
Jerry: Whatever, Louie Anderson. Now, move away from that desk. I hide all my HUSTLER XXX issues in there, and it’s time for the ol’ Double-J to look at some interracial contraband pussy! MOVE IT! MOVE YOUR FUCKING BLOWHOLE, MOBY!
Wade: Sir, I don’t think there’s anything like that in this desk.
Jerry: Shut up shut up shut up. Move your orbital ass away from MY DESK! That’s my poppity, Tubgut. AND YOU DON’T FUCK WITH A TIXAS MAN’S POPPITY!
Wade: All right, all right. (moves)
Jerry: Let’s see what we got here. There they are! HOO DOGGIE! Look at that schoolgirl getting’ at both ends room from those two black guys. Man, are they black! It’s like shadow fucking! I’ve seen people drill oil, BUT I NEVER SAW OIL DRILL PEOPLE! SHOOT THAT BUBBLIN’ CRUDE, MY MAN!
Wade: Please, sir. This is very lewd material.
Jerry: Look at this one. Looks like he’s about to give the girl a lobotomy with that tree trunk of his. That’ll teach her to pass notes in class!
Wade: Well sir, I think you found what you were looking for. What don’t we just close that drawer right back up…
Jerry: Hold on there, Fattylicious. I see somethin’ else in that desk! Hey, it’s a newspaper! Keep your emergency fish and chips in here, do ya Arthur Treacher?!
Wade: No, I was just…
Jerry: What’s this? “COWBOYS’ COACH: ‘GET YOUR RING FINGER READY’”
Wade: Sir, I swear it was meant to be off the record.
Jerry: YOU STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID BIG FAT ASSHOLE! OFF THE RECORD?! I’D FUCKING STRANGLE YOU RIGHT HERE AND NOW IF I COULD FIND YOUR NECK! GET ME MY FLESHLIGHT! YOU FUCKING MUUMUU-WEARING, TITJIGGLING, JELLO-SNARFING GUNTFLAPPER!
Wade: Sir, it was something said in the middle of casual conversation.
Jerry: Oh, really? Did the reporter take you to Sonic again?! Yes, there’s no truth serum for ol’ Wade that works quite as well as a Sonic Gingerbread Blast! Drunk on fucking liquefied cake icing again, Asstrodome? God dammit, you are stupid. How’s my boy ROMO supposed to concentrate when he’s got his retard coach flapping his big fat beef-lips about winning a ring?!
Wade: It was just a misunderstanding, sir. It was off the record.
Jerry: I DECIDE WHAT’S ON OR OFF OF RECORDS HERE, LARDBUTT! And I’ll tell you one thing that is definitely on the record: You are fatter than the people in the airport terminal. Your big fat ass is gonna jinx us out of a goddamn SUPER BOWL, ONION RINGMASTER!
Wade: (start to cry) I’m sorry, sir.
Jerry: What?
Wade: (crying) I’m sorry, sir. I’m just so sorry. I was really excited for the season, and I was just so happy to be out there, and I didn’t mean it! I just want to go out there and coach! I was really looking forward to this and now I’m just so sad.
Jerry: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Now don’t go crying on me, fatass.
Wade: (crying) I’m sorry, sir. I’m just very sensitive sometimes.
Jerry: Come here. (puts arm around him) Shit, I’m sorry, fatty. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. The Double-J cares about people! I just want you to learn to think before you go opening up that porkstuffer of yers.
Wade: Yes, sir.
Jerry: Like I said, I apologize. You’re doin’ a damn fine job for the DALLAS FUCKING COWBOYS.
Wade: Thank you. That’s all I’ve ever wanted sometimes. Just some encouragement is all.
Jerry: I understand. I also understand we’re gonna have to do something to correct this.
(door flies open)
Pacman: Yo yo. No one say two bitches wit switches be goin’ at it up in dis shit. Pacman ain’t down wid it.
Jerry: Adam, did you bring the prod?
Pacman: Hyeah hyeah. Pacman’ll brand a bitch. Like we always do at Alpha Phi Alpha.
Wade: You’re branding me?
Jerry: Damn right, tubby! You got flesh to burn. SO THE DOUBLE-J’S GONNA BURN IT!
Wade: Wait… you can’t possibly…
(door flies open)
Garrett: Mmmm. Yes. Indeed. I have been told we were going to consecrate the bond of obedience?
Pacman: O hell yes. We gon giv dat bitch a mark. Make her go buc wild.
Wade: YOU CAN’T DO THIS! THIS IS ILLEGAL!
Jerry: Not on my POPPITY, it ain’t! Now drop those drawers, Buttercow! We got ourselves quite a canvas to work with!
Garrett: Indeed. Diego Rivera himself could not ask for a greater swath of blank whiteness. Oh, how this reminds me of my days at the eating club. Where we would EAT. And then DRINK. And then TORTURE.
Wade: Don’t do this.
Jerry: Shut up, cattle ass. You talk shit to the media, you git branded! Brand ‘em, boys!
Pacman: Woot woot. Let’s take dat bitch ta Sizzla.
Wade: NOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Jerry: YEEEE HAWWWW! LOOK AT THAT ASS BURN! BIGGEST BARBECUE IN THE WHOLE DAMN STATE OF TIXAS! MAKE SURE YOU GET THAT MAN-HAM NICE AND CRISP! YEEHAW! WOOHOO! I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, cruel hazing rituals, fat people, last post before my vacation fuckos, wade and jerry
July 24th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Baaaaahhahahahahaha.
“Jerry: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Now don’t go crying on me, fatass.”
For some reason, despite all of the creative names you’ve made up for Jerry to call Wade…the pure simplicity of “fatass” was like adding a crooked smile to the Mona Lisa.
July 24th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
God damn, I love these.
July 24th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
“Drunk on fucking liquefied cake icing again, Asstrodome?”
Funniest thing I’ve read. Ever.
July 24th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
i’ll buy ya a beer at the starboard drew…..
July 24th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Jerry: Let’s see what we got here. There they are! HOO DOGGIE! Look at that schoolgirl getting’ at both ends room from those two black guys. Man, are they black! It’s like shadow fucking! I’ve seen people drill oil, BUT I NEVER SAW OIL DRILL PEOPLE! SHOOT THAT BUBBLIN’ CRUDE, MY MAN!
quite possibly the greatest piece of written racism in the history of the world.
July 24th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
i hear jessica has a thing for pork rinds. looks like ol’ wade could hook her up.
July 24th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
EAT. DRINK. TORTURE.
/name of futuremrsrickankiel’s fantasy football team
July 24th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
Is it just me, or are these getting darker?
July 24th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
@ CC – it’s not just you
July 24th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Darker as in more twisted? Or darker as in more black characters?
July 24th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
@CC
You mean darker in writing tone or skin tone?
July 24th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Dammit, david.
July 24th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
I’ve been checking my KSK feed for what feels like weeks waiting for another episode of the Wade & Jimmy Show. Thank you. And thanks for “guntflapper.”
July 24th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Yeah CC, it’s not just you, I thought to my-self these are getting weirder, but still funny.
July 24th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
“consecrate the bond of obedience” – So am I to assume that garret has all ready taken his?
July 24th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Wade & Jimmy?
July 24th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Garrett scares the living shit out of me.
July 24th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
“bitches wit switches”
Another fantasy football team name?
July 24th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Enjoy your vacation, Drew. It must be exhausting making mildly(?) racist dick jokes all week.
July 24th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
These are definitely getting darker.
They haven’t reached the depths of depravity where Punter lives — you know, a world full of “Se7en”-style S&M fantasies involving fistfuls of amyl nitrate, midget amputees with ball gags and Asian dominatrixes with razor-blade dildos — but we’re getting closer and closer. I think we’ll see Garrett making Wade squeal like a pig before the first exhibition games.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
YEE TO THE HAW
Didn’t know you liked Whitney Houston so much Drew. And Omega Psi Phi is the frat that brands the most. Get your historically black Fraternities correct there buddy.
“That’s my poppity” – Double-J needs to be wearing a seersucker suit, fedora with a handkerchief to wipe the sweat from his brow when he says that.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
I had Jerry rape Wade at the end of the year, and this one is DARKER?
July 24th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
@BDD: Damn it.
I’ll get back to half-assing it at my job now, instead of half-assing my comments.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Is it wrong that a smile just appeared the moment I saw the picture of Wade Phillips on KSK? I hate the Cowboys, but damn if I don’t love me some Wade & Double J
And “MUUMUU-WEARING, TITJIGGLING, JELLO-SNARFING GUNTFLAPPER!” has to be a team name.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
I had Jerry rape Wade at the end of the year, and this one is DARKER?
Oh, right. Thanks to intensive therapy, I’d forgotten about that bit of unpleasantness.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
“DRAINAGE, MY BOY! DRAAAAAINAGE!”
/Foresees future post when after HC Garrett’s ‘Boys still fail to make the Super Bowl and Double J disowns him, Wade comes back to ask for money and gets clobbered to death by a bowling pin shaped Budweiser bottle.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
Otto – Intensive therapy? You mean the freon we huffed in my backyard?
July 24th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
I might have nightmares about this post later… sweet.
/smiles lecherously as Double J passes over one of his Hustler mags
July 24th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
@BDD
Hey, rape is funny. Branding a fat man is just dark.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Chris: It worked, didn’t it?
No, I’m really asking. I don’t remember a thing. Also, I’m not sure my toes should be this blue.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Score on the Diego Rivera reference.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
churchill once observed that the royal navy was principally known for rum, sodomy, & the lash.
at the rate things are going, we’ll soon be able to say the same about double j & his poppity.
they deserve no better.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
“consecrate the bond of obedience”……I expect Marmalard & Neidermier to be attending such “functions”
July 24th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Thank you sir, may I have another.
Pac-man gets to drive the deathmobile!
July 24th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Onion Ringmaster is now in the running for my fantasy team name along with Chief Executive Boner and Sexy Friday Flautas.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
@TF, why limit yourself to only one fantasy football team?
July 24th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Fat, Drunk & Stupid is no way to coach a football team
July 24th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
the Cowboys acquisition of one Adam Jones has already proven dividends.
I thought this wade and jerry shit was dead, then the Rainmaker, nee Pacman comes in
still fucking hilarious
July 24th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
@martinriggs – incidentally Fat Drunk and Stupid is (one of) my fantasy football team’s name.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Amazingly this is only the 2nd time the Double-J has branded Wade.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
Jason Garrett is the best villain since Dick Cheney. Actually, didn’t Dubya brand guys in college? Whatever…the main thing is, thanks and enjoy your vacation BDD. Haiti is lovely this time of year.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Enjoy Disney World Drew. We know how much you love it there.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
I guess Double J has a little Dean Wormer in him (?pun intended)
July 24th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
I had Jerry rape Wade
And here we thought Double J was fucking crazy…
July 24th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
HE’S FROM ARKANSAS GODDAMMIT
/name of mamacita’s fantasy team
July 24th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Drew’s vacation: going to Key West with Brady Quinn and Waylon Smithers.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
GODDAMN JEW JAWS
my fantasy winners. thanx Drew!
July 24th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
‘drop those drawers, BUTTERCOW!’ Thanks Drew, enjoy Thailand you twisted ‘Murrican sex fiend,
July 24th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
garrett’s riddler > ledger’s joker
/dons fanboy batman mask and crosses fingers
July 24th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
For the record, BDD, it strikes me that you would greatly have enjoyed being in an eating club.
July 24th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Isn’t eating club Ivy-speak for fraternity?
July 24th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
@Rocco – yes, but with even more pretentiousness and douchebaggery. Well, at least pretentiousness.
July 24th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Actually, I just Wiki’d eating club, and it sounds awesome.
/Knew I should have gone Ivy League. Stupid Patriot League.
July 24th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
/only slightly jealous I was never invited into a finals club. (really – only slightly).
July 24th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
(laughing hysterically)
You had me at “jello-snarfing guntflapper”.
July 24th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
I’D FUCKING STRANGLE YOU RIGHT HERE AND NOW IF I COULD FIND YOUR NECK!
Heh, funny…
July 24th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
@Gino Tourettsa
I heard it was Provincetown.
July 25th, 2008 at 7:13 am
Is it just me or do I find the addition of Pacman makes Wade & Jerry even better? Almost every line of his I read I end up cracking up at. Personally I think you guys should branch off Pacman and give him his own series, maybe a line of mini-adventures with him, Tank Johnson, and T.O. Wade and Jerry is funny as shit in its’ own right though.
July 25th, 2008 at 10:18 am
I lost it when I read the bubbling crude comment