MAYBE I COULD BE THE NEW ROONEY
Ben Roethlisberger: I OVERSTAND YOU ARE LOOKING FOR NEW OWNER TO OWN THE PITTSBURGH TEAM I PLAY FOR.
Dan Rooney: Actually, Ben, I’m trying to maintain control of the team by convincing my relatives to sell their shares of the franchise to me.
Roethlisberger: OH.
…
…
…
…
…
CAN I BUY?
Rooney: Well, like I said, Ben, I’m trying to keep control of the Steelers in the Rooney family. But as chairman of the team, I’m willing to entertain your offer.
Roethlisberger: I GOTS THIS MUCH.
Dan Rooney: I’m sorry, Benjamin. While that is a lot of money, that’s not quite enough to purchase a controlling interest of the team. The latest Forbes assessment had the Steelers valued at approximately $900 million. This is only a few million dollars. And a used copy of Assassin’s Creed for Xbox.
Roethlisberger: OH.
…
…
…
…
…
BEN NEED MORE?
Rooney: [Sighs] Yes. Ben need more.
Roethlisberger: OKAY. YOU SIGN ME TO BIG CONTRACT THIS YEAR. GIVE BEN LOTS CHEESE.
Rooney: Right.
Roethlisberger: SO I CAN SIGN THE SAME CONTRACT WITH ALL THE OTHER TEAMS AND HAVE CASH IN A FLASH
Rooney: That’s not how it works, Ben.
Roethlisberger: EXPLAIN
Rooney: The purpose of a contract is that you are guaranteeing your services with one team exclusively, while we are agreeing to compensate you for those services at an agreed-upon rate.
Roethlisberger: OH.
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WHAT THAT MEAN?
Rooney: It means you can’t buy the team.
Roethlisberger: AW SNAGGLEPUSS
[Ben leaves office dejected]
Hines Ward: Heeeeerrrrroooooooo Rongrastname. Why such rong face?
Roethlisberger: CAN’T BUY TEAM. CAN’T BE NEW MARIO LEEMOO. NEEDS MORE CASHOLA.
Ward: Awww. That learry too bad. No smirre. You know, Hines Wald was voted numbel one smartest leceivel in all of reague.
Risten, you ret Hines Wald take you money and wirr make it double, supel fast!
Roethlisberger: FOR REALS?
Ward: Hines Wald evel rye to you?
Roethlisberger: GUESS NOT.
Ward: Me just have Lashald Mendenharr rook aftel it foll few days, just be safe. Until I set to make you supel lich.
Roethlisberger: AW THANKS HINES. YOUSDA BEST.
Ward: Nerr plobrem, Rongrastname. Nerrrr plobrem at arr.
Tags: Big Ben, hines wald is stirr me favolite steerel, rongrastname, xmas ape
July 10th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
/dying
July 10th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
/herro. johnny yune approves.
July 10th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Rongrastname… fucking brilliant
July 10th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
Ben Smash and Hines Wald…comedy gold.
July 10th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
Frawress Victoly.
July 10th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
my apologies:
/herro. johnny yune apploves.
[ed.]
July 10th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
I’ve been reading these Hines Ward posts for months, and I just figured out what Rongrastname is.
/dense
July 10th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
“Thank you Ping-Pong”
“My name is Greg?”
July 10th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
/still laughing
July 10th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
@ ryno:
“thank you ping pong”
“my name is craig”
“suuuuure it is”
it’s about fucking time hines and ben got together.
July 10th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
oghins – thank you. I always need a push in the right direction.
July 10th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
“numbel one smartest leceivel”
A phrase like that is why I read this blog… best. stereotypical. asian. related. NFL. phrase. typed. ever.
July 10th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Ben gives money to Ward and suddenly new strings of dry cleaners, convience stores and chineese take outs open across pensylvania… RONGRASTNAMES Corner Store/Dry Cleaners/Take OUT
<- Loves RONGRASTNAME General Z’s Chicken!
July 10th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
“CAN’T BUY TEAM. CAN’T BE NEW MARIO LEEMOO. NEEDS MORE CASHOLA.”
Nailed it.
July 10th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
I have visions of Roethlisberger dumping fistfuls of grubby quarters into a CoinStar machine in an attempt to make up the difference, then spending all the cash he gets on jumbo-sized bags of circus peanuts.
July 10th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
Dumb Big Ben is quickly becoming my favorite character. I always imagine him saying all that stuff in a loud, dumb-sounding semi-robotic voice (the best way I can describe it) and have a really tough time controlling my laughter.
@ The Costanzo: me too :(
July 10th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
Hines Wald evel rye to you?
NEVEL!
July 10th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
SWINDLED!
July 10th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
But, what’s he gonna do wit all ‘at money??? I’m hanging on the edge of my seat.
July 10th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
Also, I’m totally having “Helllooooooo, Nurse” flashbacks to Animaniacs.
July 10th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
Glad to see Hines is working towards the “barance between smirre and no smirre”.
July 10th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
don’t mean to be the asian akeelah here, but shouldn’t it be “smaltest” not smartest?
July 10th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
and douber/doubre…?
/shows self the door
July 10th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
My brother wants to get an #86 Steelers jersey with BLACKIECHAN on the back. I say yes, but there is concern that some of the yinzers in lots outside Heinz Field may not smirre so much.
Any thoughts?
July 10th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
Personally, I’d get one that says “Wald” or a Big Ben jersey with “Rongrastname” on it.
July 10th, 2008 at 7:36 pm
Big Day on KSK!! Osi, Marmalard, Matt Jones (a newcomer), Silky, Big Ben and Hines.
July 10th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
@ Eddie Spaghetti:
There were a few incidents at a middle school in the Denver suburbs in 2005 where a black girl was constantly harrassed by a specific group of white kids. One of their taunts toward her was “Blackie Chan”, so maybe your brother’s idea is not a good one. . .I dunno.
50s-style racism in the 21st Century – imagine that!
July 10th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
rothdfadsfasdberger gives retards a bad name
/will never stop wishing he bled out
July 10th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
God almighty…just fucking phenomenal.
July 10th, 2008 at 9:38 pm
“EXPLAIN.”
For some reason that was the awesomest line of the whole thing.
July 10th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
I love that Ben would say, “FOR REALS.”
July 10th, 2008 at 10:39 pm
I keep waiting for Hines to complain about the Mongorians attacking his Shitty Wall.
July 10th, 2008 at 11:18 pm
Now how the hell does Dan Rooney know what fucking Assassin’s Creed is or what an Xbox is?
Hines Wald is stirr me favolite Steerer as well, and he’s probably my favorite KSKaracter.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:08 am
Looks like Ben might have to make a withdrawal.
July 11th, 2008 at 9:15 am
Genius…pure genius.
I could just see Rooney pressing the red button under his desk for security to come escort Rongrastname out of the building.
July 11th, 2008 at 9:44 am
ya know how i know your’e dumb?
your half korean transposes Ls and Rs.
if he could pronounce both Ls and Rs, i’m pretty sure there wouldnt be a joke in the first place.
you can make his Ls into Rs but not the other way around.
Hey Dummy! Get your racism straight!!!
July 11th, 2008 at 9:47 am
Your rothlisburger is spot on though, of course
July 11th, 2008 at 9:53 am
read the whole thing and then actually registered the “all caps” ben speech, realized he’d been bellowing all those monosyllables and burst out laughing once more.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:20 am
@Porky1 “EXPLAIN” -totally cracked me up.
Harkens back to “Mongo only pawn… in game of life.”
July 11th, 2008 at 11:34 am
You had me at “overstand”. Well done.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Rick, you’re so friggin’ close to getting who–not what–the joke is. Obviously a true Asian would not screw up L’s and R’s.
That photo of Hines rearry srays me.
July 11th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
HARF HARF HARF!
July 11th, 2008 at 7:04 pm
Hines wondel why ownel-man consideled “Rooney”. Seem pelfectry sane to Hines.
July 11th, 2008 at 9:38 pm
Two days ago I was e-mailing someone and meant to type “crying clowns” and automatically typed “clying crowns.” Got halfway through the paragraph and noticed the spell check highlight. Took me another 5 seconds to realize where that brain fart came from. So now my typing is a little bit lacist and I’m not even consciously processing the shit. THAT’S how fucking insidious and brilliant this series is. Cannot fucking wait for the Hines cameo in TROPICAL THUNDER. ‘Cause that day is coming.
July 12th, 2008 at 7:09 pm
From USA Today:
http://www.usatoday.com/sports/football/nfl/packers/2008-07-12-qb-reaction_N.htm
“He has been preparing, but it is, (after all), Brett Favre,” Roethlisberger said, chuckling. “You kind of have to go with what Brett does, because he’s one of the best to ever play. You just feel bad for (Aaron), but you just don’t know.
It’s tough, especially preparing for this offseason to be the starter, to be the man. He still might be. I don’t know what’s going to happen. It’s tough because the quarterback position is so mental.”
There’s a joke there, but it’s the weekend and I’m too lazy to look for it.
August 3rd, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Your Morons who actually think this is funny are the same Morons who take delight in banging you’re Sisters in the Old Poop shoot on a daily basis. I say Morons even though it would be a MAJOR upgrade … Seriously!