Matt Jones Can Do Anything Michael Irvin Can
[Int. Toyota 4Runner parked in a darkened lot]
Matt Jones: [snorts line] YEAAAAAAARRGH! I’m tellin’ you boys, there’s nothing better than knocking back a few rails with your boys from Arkansas. Am I right, or am I right?
[passes the coke]
Jared and Benjamin: Hell yeah!
Matt: Yeah! And this is some good shit too, I can already feel myself becoming a better receiver. Mike Irvin may not admit it, but this shit is the secret to his success.
Jared: It’s also good for numbing your dick!
[silence]
Jared: What? I was just sayin’…
Matt: Yeah, thanks for sharing. [snorts line] Youknow, asmuchasI loveholingup ina darkcar withmyboys, [snorts line] thispartyneedssomefreshsnapper!
Benjamin: Easy Matty boy, you’re starting to talk really fast. Besides, all I haven’t even gotten a rail yet, I’ve only gotten a recessed filter full.
Matt: [hits a joint] My fault Benj, here, help yourself to some of this. [punches Benjamin in the face]
Benjamin: Fuck man! Why the fuck did you hit me?
Matt: Because now I’m a fucking superstar, and you better show the proper respect. [snorts line] Now hand me that goddamn phone, I know just who to call to turn this dickfest into a real party.
Benjamin: Sure thing, Matty.
[dials]
Matt: SILKY, my man! I’muphereinArkansasandIneedsomeofyoursweetcumbuckets!
Silky Garrard: Excuse me? Might I suggest taking some deep breaths, and then you can start by identifying yourself and addressing me as Mr. Garrard.
Matt: [hits joint] It’s me Silky, it’s Matt Jones.
Silky: Who?
Matt: MATT JONES! The one and only, you can’t clone me.
Silky: Hello Matthew. Don’t you think you’d be more comfortable discussing business at my newly renovated offices? All of our furnishings are now 100% suede, scotchguarded of course for sanitary purposes.
Matt: [snorts line] Nowayman, I’m in Arkansas partying with myboys and we need some pussy here, now!
Silky: But Matthew, all of my finest ladies are here waiting for you. I’ve even installed a new entertainment pole made from the brass salvaged off of an 18th century shipwreck. Allow me to send you a picture of what you can expect.
Matt: I don’t give a shit about your fancy whores, I just need somebody to get their cottage cheese ass up to Arkansas for some dirty fuckin’. We’ve got coke and everything, we just need some of that filthy snatch you’ve got! [snorts line]
Silky: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that last part. Did you say something about cocaine?
Matt: You’re goddamnrightSilky! It’s a fuckin’ party!
Silky: I’m afraid I cannot continue with this conversation Matthew, I’ll have to hang up the phone now.
Matt: Can you hear me now? [screams into phone] I SAID IVE GOT A SHITLOAD OF COCAINE HERE AND I NEED SOME WOMEN WHO I CAN PAY FOR SEX!
[Police officer knocks on window]
Matt: What the fuck do you want?
Officer: Put your hands where I can see them and exit the car slowly.
Matt: Don’t you know who I am? I’M THE GREAT WHITE MOTHERFUCKIN’ HYPE! I SCORED FOUR TOUCHDOWNS LAST YEAR! So back down, bitch.
Officer: [reaches for taser]
Tags: Matt Jones, silky garrard, Unsilent Majority
July 10th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
“Are you talking to me on a cellular phone? I don’t know you, who is this? Don’t come here, I’m hanging up the phone, Prank caller! Prank caller!”
July 10th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Punching your homie in the face for no reason is the shit.
July 10th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
“I SAID IVE GOT A SHITLOAD OF COCAINE HERE AND I NEED SOME WOMEN WHO I CAN PAY FOR SEX!”
made this same phone call to my mother in law one night. sadly, her rates were too high.
anyone else see on page 2 today where they did Favre’s texts to the Packers? BDD better get his lawyers on the phone.
July 10th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
It’s also good for numbing your dick!
aint that the sad truth
July 10th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
oh Silky, is there nothing that can rankle your calm demeanor?
July 10th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Ah, Silky Gerrard. We’ll see how silky you are after Dwight Freeney fucks your ass up again.
July 10th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
COCAINE is a helluva drug!
July 10th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
Heard this story on the radio during lunch, and I just knew that a Silky Garrard story was in the works!
Thanks for making my otherwise mundane afternoon.
July 10th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
jimmy smith doesn’t think this is a big deal.
July 10th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Silky Garrard is one cool motha–
Shut Yo Mouth!
But I’m only talkin’ ’bout Silky!
Then I can dig it!
I don’t even think you needed to type the name “Arkansas” in the post after that picture of Matt Jones. The picture screamed that into my eyes.
July 10th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
mmmm cottage cheese
July 10th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
I’M THE GREAT WHITE MOTHERFUCKIN’ HYPE!
Joe Jurevicious, Kevin Curtis and Welkaaahhh all want to talk to Matty about this.
July 10th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Silky Garrard is a gentleman.
July 10th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Yeah, so is this finally the poster boy for WHITE GUYS acting like fuck-ups in the NFL? Do we get to see how far the media takes this before some Bengal starts yelling about “why come none y’all media muthafuckas talkin’ to Matt Jones?”
July 10th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
I kinda think all NFL players – hell, let’s include college players, too – should be tasered once a month, just because. They did something to deserve it, we just don’t know what it is yet.
July 10th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Michael Irvin does it faster, with more skill, better coke, and white women.
Can’t wait to see Matt’s fur coat in court too.
July 10th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Well played, my son. Well played.
And nice photo. Was that taken on the set of “COPS”?
July 10th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Daddy?
July 10th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
“I SAID IVE GOT A SHITLOAD OF COCAINE HERE AND I NEED SOME WOMEN WHO I CAN PAY FOR SEX!”
Louis Zendejas thinks Matt White is an amateur.
July 10th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
SILKY, my man! I’muphereinArkansasandIneedsomeofyoursweetcumbuckets!
I didn’t know Leitch did cocaine. Very disappointing.
July 10th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
I’ve only gotten a recessed filter full.
Somebody nose just a little too much of the terminology…
July 10th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
@ Naptown: freudian slip or decent pun:
“nose a little too much…”?
July 10th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
[...] Matt Jones Can Do Anything Michael Irvin Can [...]
July 10th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
@Day Late
Ask all the girls standing in the line for the bathroom.
July 10th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
[punches Benjamin in the face]
Osi says, “Shit on women, not your friends.”
July 10th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Daddy?
I’ve already said too much.
July 10th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
this is bullshit… Jared and Benjamin would have brought meth. Not coke.
July 10th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
Drug problem? Check.
Arkansas Razorback? Check.
Last name of Jones? You betcha.
Matty, I see goddamn Tixas STARS in your future! YEEEHAAWW I AM FUCKIN’ CRAZY!!!
July 10th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
I’m starting to understand why those assholes are so jittery and excited in those “He went to Jared’s!” ads.
July 10th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
@flubby: thanks for that. zed may be dead, and maybe jones’s career too, but the silkster’s immortal. everbody crazy bout a sharp-dressed man.
July 10th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Who? MAtt Jones. Who? Matt Jones. Who? MAtt Jones.
my buddy’s heart broke last night with this news, not that Matt Jones got busted, but that he wasnt there (one hour away) in fayetville gettting geetered with the great white dyke, MAtt Jones, Who? MAtt Jones.
July 10th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
Over/under on the amount of time before Matt Jones’ life closely resembles this scene from Boogie Nights…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Daoad5mDdqY
…I say 180.5 days.
July 10th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
Thanks for giving me a picture of a hot non-pregnant chick unlike, you know, this chick down here
I
I
I
I
V
July 10th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
porky1 Says:
July 10th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Yeah, so is this finally the poster boy for WHITE GUYS acting like fuck-ups in the NFL?
Actually I thought Mark Chmura had a lock on that title already.
http://www2.jsonline.com/news/wauk/chmura/
July 10th, 2008 at 10:03 pm
Somebody nose just a little too much of the terminology…
I smoke Parliament’s, so what’s your fucking point?
July 10th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
I go to Arkansas; this’ll be Fayetteville’s top story for two weeks.
August 11th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
[...] today Matt Jones appeared in court to face the charges levied against him. The Jacksonville receiver plead not guilty by reason of overwhelming [...]
August 12th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
[...] to think, all this time I thought the mind-frenzying high of a coke binge is the place all receivers went to die. My apologies to Matty Jones and Michael Jerome Irvin [...]
August 25th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
[...] to think, all this time I thought the mind-frenzying hysteria induced by a coke binge was the place all receivers went to [...]